Seek and Go Hide
by AGee
Summary: The story of Doug and Jack - tells the story that leads up to the series finale - how their relationship grows from acquaintances to friends to lovers. Lots of angst and humor.
1. An Unforeseen Connection

**Seek and Go Hide   
part one**   
  
Jack hadn't been back in Capeside for very long - long enough for the strangeness of his return to have faded but not long enough to have really settled in and feel like he had a life. Returning to Capeside had sure seemed like the right thing to do - he would teach at the school he had graduated from not that many years ago and make sure no kid had to deal with the shit he had had to deal while there.   
  
It was all very noble really. So why did it feel like he'd thrown his life away? He missed Jen and Grams and being a part of a community that didn't constantly judge and hate him. Capeside may have mellowed in recent years but it still wasn't easy being out here. For every person who was accepting and kind there was a least one who felt it was their right - no their duty - to tell him that who he was was wrong, that he was going to hell, that he was a freak. And for every one of the vocal homophobes there were probably ten silent one who wished he'd just shut up and keep it to himself.   
  
But here he was and here he'd stay, for at least a year. He had signed a contract with Capeside High after all and he wasn't going to back out on that. No matter how much his new life here sucked.   
  
--------------------   
  
Doug was, as usual, bored. He had thought the promotion from deputy to sheriff would end the boredom. There was more work sure, but he still felt empty inside. Like a giant part of him was missing, or worse, dead. Wasn't he too young to feel like this?   
  
But that kind of thinking wasn't going to get him anywhere! Time to get busy! He had finished all the paperwork at the office and his place was immaculately clean so he'd have to figure out something else to do. Sometimes he wished Capeside had a slightly more active criminal element but no, except for the Potter scandal, the Capeside P.D. thrived on speeding tickets and drunk and disorderly citations and very little else.   
  
So that left a movie, a video rental or a drink somewhere. Doug had seen the new releases and truth be told he just didn't feel like going home. So he figured he'd head on over to the Yacht Club, have a drink, maybe some dinner and who knows maybe he would even run into someone he could have an actual conversation with. That would be nice for a change.   
  
------------------   
  
Jack wasn't surprised that the Yacht Club looked exactly the same as the last time he had been there. Most things in Capeside stood still - they stay what they were - evolution need not interfere. It was both comforting and annoying. Jack sat down at the bar and ordered a beer. He hadn't planned on ending up here but this is where his walk had taken him. Well one beer and then he'd walk home.   
  
Seven beers later, he heard a familiar voice from behind him. "Jack McPhee. Newly returned to Capeside and already reverting to bad habits I see."   
  
Jack turned to see Doug Witter, Pacey's older, cop brother, smiling at him. His bright smile took the edge off the taunting words that had almost succeeded in pissing Jack off further than he already was.   
  
"Well if it isn't Deputy Doug" said Jack trying to be good humored despite his dark mood. He wasn't mad at Doug; in fact it was a relief to see a somewhat familiar and friendly face. Jack had spent the better part of his evening talking to and at one point, out and out arguing with, various _'concerned citizens'_ who wondered how _'appropriate'_ it was for _'someone like him'_ to be teaching the impressionable youth of Capeside.   
  
He had assured them that his credentials were excellent and when that failed to reassure them, he informed them that he had no intentions of teaching "Become a Homosexual Now: 101." But he made sure to stress, that he did intend to teach them about tolerance and understanding and hopefully something about English Literature. It had been a long, frustrating evening and Jack was quite near the end of his rope.   
  
But Doug didn't know that. So Jack tried to put on a happy face for the brother of one of his best friends. He tried to be polite, "Please have a seat. Unless you're here to judge and condemn me, if that's the case, please just leave me the hell alone." So polite didn't stick. He sighed.   
  
"Jack, are you ok?" asked Doug, obviously concerned. He didn't know Jack very well but he had always admired him. How he managed to deal with the entire town knowing about and constantly commenting on his personal business was a mystery to Doug.   
  
Jack shrugged and turned back to his beer. Doug sat down next to him and tried again. "Long night at the Yacht Club?"   
  
"Something like that."   
  
"Look if I'm bothering you Jack, I'll go. But if you want to talk about whatever it is…" Doug's voice trailed off as Jack turned to face him, his eyes searching Doug's face as if to make sure he was serious.   
  
"You're serious?"   
  
"Why wouldn't I be?"   
  
"You don't really know me. We aren't friends. Why would you possibly care about me? Trust me, you don't want to sully your squeaky clean reputation being seen with Capeside's newest resident pervert!" spat Jack, his temper finally getting the best of him when faced with genuine concern.   
  
"You're a pervert now?" asked Doug. "I mean I knew you were gay but when did you become a pervert? And if you don't mind me asking, what kind of pervert are you exactly?   
  
Jack stared at Doug blankly.   
  
"You're not one of those people who has sex with Jello salads are you?" Doug whispered conspiratorially "You can tell me. Or, it's not, please tell me it's not some horrible gingham fetish!" Doug's eyes sparkled. He wasn't sure why he was teasing Jack, who was obviously really upset; it had just seemed like the right thing to do.   
  
Jack stared at Doug a split second longer then burst out laughing. "How did you guess!" Doug laughed too and all the negative energy in the air seemed to evaporate around them. He was glad he had been able to make Jack laugh. Most people thought Doug was a stick in the mud because he took his job seriously and didn't have many friends. The truth was Doug was funny and smart, but he didn't let very many people get close enough to see the real him. They saw the uniform and stopped looking.   
  
"Let me buy you a beer," said Jack, slurring just a little.   
  
"Ok. But only if you let me buy you a cup of coffee," countered Doug.   
  
"After the night I've had, now you're calling me a drunk?" challenged Jack.   
  
"I'm not calling you anything Jack. But I've seen enough to know that the last thing you need right now is another beer."   
  
The two men stared at each other in a small test of wills. Jack found himself thinking that Doug had the most beautiful blue eyes, so kind and deep. He wondered if Doug knew how handsome he was. That thought more than anything convinced him that Doug was right and that he needed to sober up. He looked away just as he started to blush, "You win. Coffee it is."   
  
Doug had seen Jack's confrontational stare turn into an admiring gaze but pretended he didn't noticed. _For Jack's benefit _he told himself. He motioned for the bartender and ordered two cups of coffee for them and a side of fries for himself.   
  
"I haven't eaten yet," he explained to Jack. "So tell me what had you so worked up anyway."   
  
"It's just…this town you know. I don't know if I forgot what it was like or if I just brainwashed myself into thinking that things would be different now that I wasn't some awkward teenager fresh out of the closet. I thought I could just be me - Jack McPhee. But no, I'm still 'that gay football playing gay boy who is totally gay'. Gay gay gay."   
  
"Not to state the obvious," said Doug "but you are gay Jack."   
  
"I know. But that's not all I am! I want people to see that I'm not just that one thing! I'm a teacher, an athlete, a possible borderline alcoholic." Jack laughed a little and continued, "I'm a brother, a friend, a man. I'm a whole person! How would you like it if everyone defined you as a cop and nothing else?"   
  
Doug smiled, a small bitter smile, "They pretty much do."   
  
"Then you know what I mean! Don't you get sick of it? Don't you want them to see you as a whole person, a real person?"   
  
"It's safer if people don't see the whole, real me," said Doug, surprised by his response to Jack's unexpected question.   
  
"Why is that? What are you afraid of?" Jack was about to press the issue further but just then the bartender arrived with their coffee and a huge side of fries.   
  
"Man these smell great. We better get another order because I plan to eat a lot of these." And with that, Jack began to happily chow down.   
  
Doug breathed a sigh of relief. Thank god the fries had distracted Jack from his current line of questioning. Doug motioned for another order of fries and tried not to think about the way his stomach tightened up when Jack so cavalierly asked what he was afraid of.   
  
"These are great. You better have some before I eat them all" said Jack his mouth half full.   
  
"Seriously man, do not eat all my fries!" Doug playfully shoved at Jack's hand and reached for the ketchup.   
  
They spent the rest of the evening talking about sports and movies and cracking jokes. Jack had no idea that Doug was so funny and interesting. He had always taken Pacey's word for it that his older brother was an uptight jerk. Plus Doug was a cop and considering the misspent way Jack finished out his teenage years and started his twenties, he wouldn't have wanted to hang around a cop.   
  
Something Doug said set off a faint bell in the back of Jack's mind and he couldn't help but feel he had had an important question for Doug. But he couldn't remember whatever it was. So he just tried to relax and enjoy the company. He tried also to not think about how good looking and sweet Doug was.   
  
As for Doug, he was also enjoying hanging out with Jack. It was nice being able to kick back and laugh with someone who didn't seem to care that he was Sheriff Witter. People often seemed to be on pins and needles around him as if they were afraid they would say something that would land them in jail. But Jack cheerfully told stories of underage drinking and college pranks and bad judgment. Doug found it very endearing that Jack was willing to tell stories where he looked like a total ass and said so.   
  
"Well, if it's one thing I've learned from all the mistakes I've made, it's that the past is what it is. And there's no point in sugar coating it or hiding from it. I've just got to be honest about it. I mean it made me the lucky bastard I am today right?" laughed Jack feeling better and more solid than he had in a long, long time.   
  
"Right" agreed Doug, smiling and looking at his watch. He had completely lost track of time and it was later then he expected. "Damn. It's late and I'm working tomorrow so I better get going. But this was fun. It's good to see you again Jack."   
  
"You too Doug. We should do it again. If you want. But with less drama and stupidity on my part. Probably." Jack felt suddenly vulnerable, after all Doug wasn't really his friend. Maybe Doug was just being polite spending the evening with the drunken friend of his little brother. He probably just wanted to get out there having done his civic duty and sobered Jack up.   
  
But Doug surprised him again. "That'd be great Jack. You play pool by any chance?"   
  
"I'm not the greatest, but yeah, I shoot some stick."   
  
"Great. We'll do that next time."   
  
Doug stood up and Jack did too, careful not to crowd Doug. "Thanks for babysitting me tonight."   
  
"You didn't need a babysitter Jack, you just needed a friend."   
  
"Yeah. Well thanks for being a friend then."   
  
"Anytime Jack." Suddenly Doug wasn't quite ready to end their evening and say goodbye. "Do you need a ride home? How did you get here?"   
  
"I walked actually…" Jack didn't want to impose on Doug but the thought of the long walk back to his place wasn't appealing.   
  
"Come on, I'll give you a lift and before you argue, it's no trouble."   
  
"Far be it from me to argue with an officer of the law! Lead the way Deputy Doug."   
  
As the two men walked out of the Yacht Club toward Doug's car, Doug said, "Uh Jack, I'm the Sheriff now."   
  
"Seriously?"   
  
"Seriously."   
  
"Good to know." Jack tried to remember all the stupid things he had said that night and wondered if any of them would get him in trouble or come back to haunt him. Well, it was too late to worry about that now.   
  
They rode home in companionable silence, listening to the music on the radio and enjoying the warm breeze that gently blew through the car.   
  


_It's not the final destination  
It's the journey on the way  
And I can feel these times are changing  
And nothing could stand in my way  
  
  
I wanna be free, free to find where I belong  
Free to find my way  
  
  
I know at times I act a little crazy  
And I've made mistakes along the way  
But I can see the silver lining   
It's about to bring the change I have been waiting for  
Hey, Hey  
  
  
I wanna be free, free to find where I belong Free to find my way  
I wanna be free  
  
  
I won't fight this feeling  
It's leading me so far away  
Believe in me my baby  
`Cause everything's gonna be okay  
  
  
Well I don't know where I'm going  
And I don't know where I might be  
But I can feel these times are changing  
And that's alright by me   
  
`Cause I'm free, free to find where I belong  
Free to find my way  
I wanna be free   
  
-Free  
By Marie Wilson   
  
_


	2. Late But Not Too Late

**Seek and Go Hide part two  
**   
Jack hurriedly shoved papers and a few books into his bag. He was supposed to meet Doug in the parking lot 15 minutes ago. He knew Doug hated having to wait around for the often-tardy Jack, but this time it really wasn't his fault. One of his students was having a hard time at home and had needed to talk. And talk and talk. Hopefully Doug would understand.   
Doug and Jack had been hanging out quite a bit since that night at the Yacht Club where they discovered they had a lot in common and enjoyed each other's company. It was all completely platonic of course. They were friends, that was all. And that was great. Jack couldn't really imagine what his life back in Capeside would have been like if he didn't have Doug to pal around with. Pacey was here but he was so busy reopening The Icehouse that Jack was lucky if he saw him once a week.   
  
But he and Doug both had plenty of time on their hands and not many friends to spend it with so it worked out well for both of them. They had seen a bunch of movies and had been doing a lot of sailing. Doug was also trying his hardest to teach Jack to cook something more elaborate than sandwiches. They kept talking about going camping one weekend but so far that hadn't happened. _But maybe next weekend..._ Jack thought hopefully.   
  
Just as he was heading out of the building, Mrs. Patterson, the school secretary, called out "Mr. McPhee. I need a moment of your time please."   
  
"Damn" Jack cursed softly and turned back to see what it was she wanted this time.  
  
---------------------------------   
  
Doug couldn't believe he was late to meet Jack. He was supposed to be at the school over fifteen minutes ago. Maybe Jack's late streak would work in his favor this time, thought Doug as he nodded at Officer Willis. "Well that sounds ok Bill but if you'll excuse me, I'm afraid I'm running late for a meeting."   
  
"Sure thing Sheriff, sorry to have held you up."   
  
"No trouble" replied an obviously distracted Doug, "I'll see you tomorrow and we'll firm up the details then."   
  
As Officer Willis left his office, Doug, glad he had already changed out of his uniform, made sure that all his work was in fact done and everything in its place. He felt rushed and nervous which in turn made him feel silly. _I'm just a punctual person_ he told himself as he headed out of the police station and towards his car. But deep down he knew that wasn't the reason. Doug's work had always come first but since he had been hanging out with Jack …well work seemed less important. _Work was still important,_ Doug thought, _but for the first time in a long time, it wasn't the only important thing. Jack was also important. _   
  
Doug pulled out of the parking and lot and headed for the high school trying not to think about exactly how important Jack had become.   
  
-----------------------------   
  
"Sorry I'm late."   
  
They both said it at the same time. Doug had pulled up to the school just as Jack was exiting the building. They sat in Doug's car laughing - each teasing the other for being late.   
  
"After all the times I've had to wait for you Jack, couldn't you have been waiting for me just this once?"   
  
"Oh no. After declaring yourself 'Captain-On-Time-All-the-Time' you aren't allowed to enjoy the indulgent glory of having people wait around and wonder where you are. Your joy comes from lording your timeliness over those of us who are victims of endless meetings, long lines and slow watches."   
  
"I think I should be able to have both the lording and the indulgent glory," said Doug.   
  
"Sorry dude," smiled Jack. "And say, aren't you going to be late meeting Pacey?"   
  
"He'll never notice. But you're right we should go." And with that Doug put the car in drive and cruised down the street towards The-Currently-Under-Reconstruction-Icehouse.   
  
When they arrived Pacey came out to greet them, "Hey guys! You're late! What's that about?"   
  
"I told you we'd be here at 6:30," Doug lied easily. "It's only 6:25, so we are, in fact, early little brother. Something you've never been"   
  
"Oh. I thought you said you'd be here at 6:00. My bad. Come on; let me give you the tour. Normally I'd charge five bucks per person but for a generous loan co-signer such as yourself, it's free of charge!"   
  
Pacey showed them around, pointing out the new industrial stove that had just arrived that morning as well as the walk-in deep freeze that had been installed yesterday. He was enthusiastic and animated as he described every little thing to Jack and Doug. Doug was glad to see Pacey so committed to his dream; it made him seem almost happy.   
  
Once the tour was over, the three men sat down on the deck to have some iced tea and enjoy the warm evening. Jack was laughing as the two brothers told embarrassing stories about each other, each story more dubious and hilarious than the next. After a bit he excused himself to go to the restroom that, Pacey assured him, was in perfect working order.   
  
"You look happy," said Pacey looking at his brother. Doug seemed more laid back and cheerful than he had in a long, long time.   
  
Immediately defensive Doug responded, "Is that some kinda gay wisecrack?"   
  
"Actually no - but if you want gay wisecracks let's talk about this new haircut of yours - it's fabulous!"   
  
"Oh grow up Pacey!"   
  
"Not yet Dougie, not yet," smiled Pacey, happy as always to get a rise out of Doug.   
  
Jack returned and Doug, he noticed, looked annoyed. "What did I miss?" asked Jack.   
  
Doug answered, "Just the standard Witter brother's banter - you know impertinent insinuations…"   
  
"…And the complete and total denial of reality," interrupted Pacey.   
  
"Funny," sneered Doug, who obviously didn't find it funny.   
  
"I think so," breezed Pacey unaware of how truly ticked off Doug was becoming.   
  
Jack realized he needed to change the subject, fast. "So things here are looking really good. I can't believe how much stuff has gotten done! Right Doug?"   
  
"The paint color looks alright," Doug grudgingly admitted.   
  
"Yeah," agreed Pacey "we're right on target for opening weekend. More or less."   
  
A scruffy looking kid in a Hawaiian shirt approached them carrying a cordless phone, "'Scuse me Boss - the cutlery guy is on the phone and he's freaking out about something. Again." He held the phone out like he was afraid it was going to bite him.   
  
Pacey took the phone and said, "Thanks Gary - I'll be right back guys." He went into the restaurant saying, "Sal, I told you I don't need that many serving spoons!"   
  
"Boss - someone just un-ironically called Pacey boss," marveled Doug.   
  
"Pretty great huh?" nodded Jack.   
  
"More like completely surreal."   
  
"You don't fool me, come on admit it, you're proud of him."   
  
"Maybe a little. It seems like he's really on track this time, more sure, more solid. Pacey has never lacked confidence but sometimes, sometimes it seemed he lacked everything else."   
  
"Like what?" Jack couldn't help but ask.   
  
"Like a plan, like common sense, determination, follow-through, decent shoes. You name it. But this time…" Doug trailed off knowing that despite the fact that Pacey still sometimes acted like a crazy sixteen year old, he really was growing up. And growing up pretty good. Pacey had made a lot of mistakes in his life but he had learned from them. And he kept making new ones. Doug secretly admired that.   
  
"Well, don't worry your secret is safe with me," Jack said.   
  
"Telling secrets are we? Is he telling you what really happens on those once-a-year, boys-in-blue fishing trips? 'Cuz I've always thought it was more than he let on," cracked Pacey returning from his cutlery emergency and ready to needle his brother some more.   
  
But Doug wasn't going to have any more of that, not tonight. Not when he was already feeling edgy and confused. "And would you look at that, it's time for us to go," said Doug quickly.   
  
"It is?" asked Jack. Seeing Doug's look, "Right. It is."   
  
Pacey looked chagrined but said, "Thanks for stopping by guys. It's always nice to get the gay point of view when it comes to décor and wall art."   
  
Jack shrugged. "Pacey, you know I don't know anything about that stuff."   
  
"I meant Doug - surely you've noticed his keen eye for the ascetic."   
  
"Shut it Pacey," snapped Doug.   
  
"Look out for this one Jack; he'll drag you back into the closet if you aren't careful."   
  
"Good night Pacey," said Doug firmly as he turned and walked down the steps and toward his car.   
  
"See you later man," Pacey said as he gave Jack a quick hug goodbye. "You're coming to the opening right?"   
  
"I wouldn't miss it," replied Jack.   
  
Pacey looked at Doug who was sulking in his car. He was about to say something else, when Gary returned with the phone saying disgustedly "Cutlery guy, Boss. Yet again."   
  
Pacey took the phone, smiled at Jack and said "Serving spoons - who knew? Catch you later."   
  
Jack walked toward the car wondering if he could convince Doug to talk about what was really bugging him. He tapped on the driver's window, which Doug rolled down saying, "Let's go. Get in the car. I'll take you home."   
  
"Let's take a walk instead," countered Jack.   
  
"What? Look, I need to get home."   
  
"You do not. Come on, it's a nice night. Let's just walk down to the dock, get some air, stretch our legs…all that good stuff," beseeched Jack.   
  
"Ok, all right, whatever," said Doug getting out of the car. Side by side the two friends walked silently down the street and down to one of Capeside's many docks. Doug wondered why he was so tense and irritable. It had been a nice evening for the most part. He just got so tired of Pacey's snide remarks. And they seemed to stress him out even more when Jack was around. _Why? _   
  
Jack sat down at the edge of the dock and leaned back to watch Doug as he stood and stared out across the water lost in thought. _Doug is probably one of the best looking men I have ever met_ thought Jack and before he could stop himself, he heard himself saying "Beautiful really."   
  
"Huh?" said Doug coming out of his reverie.   
  
"It's a beautiful night," Jack smoothly covered; glad the darkness hid the blush that crept up his cheeks. He better be careful. He had to watch his mouth. And his heart.   
  
Doug sat down next to him with a sigh. Jack was pretty sure he knew what was bugging Doug, still he hesitated before asking, "Why does Pacey give you so much shit anyway?"   
  
Time stood still. Then Doug answered, "Because he thinks it's not true."   
  
Surprised, Jack heard himself ask, "And is it?"   
  
The question hung between them for a long while and Jack cursed his curiosity and his lack of control over it. He didn't know what to say.   
  
"I've been alone for a long time Jack. In high school I dated some but I never felt any sparks with anyone. More and more I was alone. Somewhere along the way I guess I decided love wasn't for me. I'm not the sparkler type I guess. But…" he stopped, surprised by what he was saying. He didn't know what he was going to say next. "But I knew deep down I wasn't just unlucky, I was wrong. I thought I had made my peace with that but lately…" he trailed off knowing this time what he wanted to say but too afraid to say it. "I should go." He got up and started walking back up the dock.   
  
"Doug wait."   
  
Doug stopped but he didn't turn around, "I gotta go Jack. I'm sorry."   
  
Jack stood up and walked toward Doug, "Listen a second. I'm not going to pressure you…about anything. But if you want to talk, I'm here. And if you don't want to talk, that's ok too."   
  
Doug turned around and saw Jack shining in the moonlight. "I'm here," Jack repeated.   
  
Doug nodded and smiled a little. Seeing that smile, Jack closed the small distance between them and wrapped his arms around Doug. Doug froze, every bone in his body turning to lead.   
  
"Relax, it's just a hug," Jack chuckled and didn't let go.   
  
Then Doug softened and leaned into the hug. It was _**just**_ a hug.   
  
A moment later and everything changed. Suddenly it's no longer just a hug but something more. Something tender and fragile and tangible. Jack let go, stepped back and looked at Doug, afraid of what he might see in those beautiful blue eyes. And instead of masking his feelings, Jack looked at Doug openly and honestly, letting his confusion and more importantly, his affection show. When he saw the same feelings reflected in Doug's face, Jack didn't know who was more surprised.   
  
"So you should go?" asked Jack.   
  
"I should," nodded Doug. "Do you need a ride home…?"   
  
"I can walk, it's not far."   
  
"Ok. You sure?"   
  
"Yeah."   
  
"Ok. Good night."   
  
"Night Doug. Drive safe."   
  
And with that, Doug walked away from Jack and back towards his car. Part of him had a million things he wanted to say to Jack and part of him wanted to run away as fast as he could. He didn't think he could find the right words so he listened to the part that wanted to run away. When he got to his car, Doug sat and stared into the dark. In his mind he could hear Jack saying quietly "I'm here." The thought filled him with comfort and something that felt strangely like butterflies.   
  
He smiled, turned on the car and headed for home, the radio echoing his confusion.  
_Any time tomorrow I will lie and say I'm fine  
I'll say yes when I mean no  
And any time tomorrow  
The sun will cease to shine  
There's a shadowman who told me so  
  
Any time tomorrow the rain will play a part  
Of a play I used to know  
Like no other  
Used to know it all by heart  
But a shadowman inside has let it go  
  
Oh no, let go of my hand  
Oh no, not now I'm down, my friend  
You came to me anew  
Or was it me who came to you  
Shadowman, shadowman  
  
Any time tomorrow a part of me will die  
And a new one will be born  
Any time tomorrow  
I'll get sick of asking why  
Sick of all the darkness I have worn  
  
Any time tomorrow  
I will try to do what's right  
Making sense of all I can  
Any time tomorrow I'll pretend to see the light  
I just might  
Shadowman  
  
Oh here's the sun again  
Isn't it appealing to recline  
Get blinded and to go into the light again  
Doesn't it make you sad  
To see so much love denied  
See nothing but a shadowman inside  
  
Oh no, let go of my hand  
Oh no, not now I'm down, my friend  
You came to me anew  
Or was it me who came to you  
Shadowman  
  
Oh, if you're coming down to rescue me  
Now would be perfect  
Please, if you're coming down to rescue me  
Now would be perfect  
  
Oh, if you're coming down to rescue me  
Now would be perfect  
Please, if you're coming down to rescue me  
Now would be perfect  
-Shadowman  
By K's Choice  
  
_


	3. Phone, Food, Fighting

**Seek and Go Hide  
part three**   
  
**Sunday 4:23pm**  
Beep.   
  
"Hey Doug. It's Jack - call me when you get a minute. Seeya!"   
  
**Monday 6:45 pm**  
Beep.   
  
Dude? You there? Call me!   
  
**Tuesday 8:10pm**  
Beep.   
  
"Hi Doug - it's me. Call me back when you get this. Don't worry if it's late. I'll be up."   
  
**Thursday 7:25pm**  
Beep.   
  
"Doug- man where are you? I hope you aren't freaking out about the other night. It was nothing. No. Big. Deal. Call me back."   
  
**Thursday 7:26pm**  
Beep.   
  
"I mean it wasn't nothing - I don't want you to think I trivialize what…listen, just call me back."   
  
**Thursday 7:27pm**  
Beep.   
  
"I mean…it was what it was. And if you want to talk about it - that's cool. But if not - I won't bug you. Whatever. It's cool. Bye."   
  
**Saturday 10:55am**  
Beep.   
  
"So apparently my newest hobby is leaving spastic messages on your machine. And yours is not calling me back. I can get more spastic if that's what it's gonna take. Spare yourself the agony and pick up the phone. I'm in the book. Aren't we going sailing?"   
  
**Sunday 1:08pm**  
Beep.   
  
"Hi. This is Jack, Jack McPhee - you might remember me from last week. I'm the guy who thought we were going sailing yesterday…call, you know, me. Jack McPhee."   
  
**Wednesday 6:26pm**  
Beep.   
  
"Hello. This is Sven Archungclopmen and I'm calling today to offer you a wonderful deal on phone service. As you know, all your local calls are free with your current calling plan but I'm calling today to tell you that you can actually make money just by making a local phone call. For example, if you were to call Jack McPhee today, not only would the call be free but we'd also give you two whole dollars. That's 16 bits free for the taking. So call now. Don't let that two dollars slide through your fingers!"   
  
**Saturday 11:38am**  
Beep.   
  
"So I can't decide whether I'm worried or completely pissed by your refusal to call me back. Tell you what, heads I'm worried. Tails, I'm pissed. (Pause) Tails. That settles it. I am totally pissed off! Call me back! God this is so lame! I'm serious Doug!"   
  
**Saturday 10:35pm**  
Beep.   
  
"You are ok right?"   
  
**Thursday 9:15pm**  
Beep.   
  
"So, despite the tails outcome, I find I'm increasingly worried about you. You should call me. But then you should have done that a couple of weeks ago."   
  
**Sunday 3:32pm**  
Beep.   
  
"Hello - this is your friendly neighborhood stalker calling to give my latest stalking report. You still aren't calling me back and even though Capeside is tiny you mange to avoid me in public places as well. Kudos."   
  
**Tuesday 6:10pm**  
Beep.   
  
"So I stopped by the station, conveniently for you, you were out, but the receptionist assured me that you are not dead or even in some sort of phone-usage limiting body cast. What does this mean for you? It means my concern has dried up and blown away. It means, Sheriff Witter, that you are a jackass."   
  
**Monday 8:38 am**  
Beep.   
  
"Dammit Doug."   
  
**Sunday 2:20pm**  
Beep.   
  
"I can't believe I didn't see you at the Icehouse opening. Pacey said you were there but you must have left the minute I got there. What are we - fifteen? The opening was great - too bad you didn't stick around. Pacey made a great toast to you and Gretchen and your mom. You should have been there."   
  
**Tuesday 7:51pm**  
Beep.   
  
"!!!"   
  
**Sunday 8:49pm**  
Beep.   
  
"Hi this is your friendly neighborhood stalker calling. I just wanted to let you know that I'll no longer be stalking you. It's been great. Really a blast. You're an excellent stalk-ee - very evasive and all. I just, I can't do it any more."   
  
**Monday 5:59pm**  
Beep.   
  
"I can't believe you called me when you knew I'd be at work. That's pretty low Doug. I know you've been working through some stuff. And I respect that you need some time. And I'm glad you're talking to someone I just don't know why you won't talk to me. I thought we were friends man."   
  
**Tuesday 5:37pm**  
Beep.   
  
"Yeah - if we're such good friends how come you only call when you know I won't be here? Explain that. Actually don't. I'm sick of this phone tag. It ends tonight."   
  
-----------------   
  
Jack was skulking outside Doug's building, waiting. It was just after 9:00pm and he'd been waiting for, he looked at his watch, a while. Jack was more than a little apprehensive about this hastily concocted plan, but more than anything, he was fed up. So he told his nerves to shut up and enjoy the cool night air.   
  
Jack had called Pacey a couple of hours earlier and convinced him to call Doug and find out what he was doing tonight. Jack had told Pacey a very elaborate lie as to why he needed Pacey to do this and while he guessed Pacey didn't really believe him, he did what Jack asked. As it turned out, Jack hadn't really needed to involve Pacey at all because Doug was sticking to his usual Tuesday night routine of watching 'Buffy the Vampire Slayer' on DVD and ordering in Chinese food. Old habits died hard.   
  
Finally thought Jack as he saw the delivery guy approach.   
  
"S'cuse me - that order for Doug Witter?" asked Jack, all innocence and smiles.   
  
"Yeah, Mongolian beef, rice, wonton soup, three fortune cookies. Same as always. Why?"   
  
"Tell you what, how 'bout I pay for that food, tip you **very** generously and take it off your hands?"   
  
"Again I gotta ask - why?"   
  
"It's a surprise for my buddy up there. Don't sweat it." Jack did his best to assure the delivery guy that it was no big deal.   
  
"Yeah, thing is, I give it to you, you run off with it, I'm the one my boss is going yell at when the sheriff calls wondering what the hell happened to his food."   
  
Jack opened his wallet and pulled out two twenty-dollar bills. Handing them over he said, "I give you my word, he'll get his food."   
  
Somewhat reluctantly, he took the money but then said, "Or you could poison it or whatever." He looked at Jack, clearly expecting him to hand over some more money.   
  
Sighing, Jack fished the last ten dollars out of his wallet and handed it over as well. _This was expensive Chinese food!_ Satisfied, the delivery guy turned to go. Jack stopped him saying, "Can you ring the buzzer for me?"   
  
"Whatever man." He pressed the buzzer for Doug's place, holding it down longer than necessary. Jack smiled, knowing that that drove Doug crazy. "Happy Dragon. Food's here," said the delivery guy when Doug picked up.   
  
"Come on up" fuzzed Doug's familiar voice over the intercom.   
  
Buzzzzz.   
  
Jack opened the door, gave the delivery guy the thumbs up and went inside. For his part the delivery guy just shrugged and pocketed his cash and walked away. He was pretty sure a tip of $34.05 on a delivery of $15.95 was a record for Capeside.   
  
When Jack got to Doug's door he hesitated suddenly unsure of what he was going to say once the door was opened. Well no turning back. Fortune favors the bold and all that. Jack took a deep breath and knocked on the door.   
  
"Come on in," said a voice from deep inside the apartment.   
  
Jack opened the door and hesitantly stepped inside. He didn't see Doug.   
  
"I'm just putting some stuff in the laundry - could you put the food in the kitchen? There's money on the counter. Thanks. I'll be right there."   
  
Jack didn't say anything but went on into the kitchen, noting that the place was spotless and springtime fresh as usual. If Doug was currently depressed or upset about anything, you'd never know it from his place. He set the food down on the counter and when Doug still didn't appear, he started unpacking the food. _God. It smells good._ Suddenly ravenous, Jack wished he had thought to eat something before he started this little caper. A thought occurred to him and Jack smiled a wicked little smile. _Well I did pay for it._ He opened the soup, poured over half of it out into a bowl that was conveniently out on the counter and started eating.   
  
He stood there, leaning against the counter, eating Doug's soup and waiting for him to finish whatever was taking so long with the laundry.   
  
"Sorry I took so long, I was in the middle of sorting…" Doug's voice trailed off as he saw Jack, impossibly handsome and confident, standing in his kitchen. And eating his soup no less! He stared and tried to compose himself.   
  
"You…is that my soup?"   
  
As for Jack, he also was also somewhat dumbfounded. He hadn't seen Doug for so long. Tonight, Doug was wearing a pair of sweatpants and one of his faded police academy t-shirts. His hair was slightly mussed. _He looks terrific_ thought Jack. No socks. _He even has terrific feet_ Jack mused, surprised by the breathless feeling that washed over him. He held it together and answered, "Yeah. Sorry. I'm starving."   
  
Jack and Doug stared at each other a moment, neither sure what to do or say.   
  
"There's more soup," said Jack, trying to get rid of some of the tension in the room, "It's really good."   
  
"That's why I ordered it."   
  
"So eat already. I'm not stopping you." And with that, Jack crossed to the dining table and sat down. He acted, for all the world, like he was an invited, welcome, and expected guest. But inside, he was praying that Doug wouldn't see how nervous he was or that the only thought running through his head was _"He doesn't want you here."_   
  
Doug, for his part, couldn't believe how relaxed and happy Jack seemed. _He could at least have the decency to look uneasy_, thought Doug as he pulled another bowl down from the cupboard. A_fter all, he was the one who practically broke in here - knowing full well that I didn't want to see him right now. So, if you didn't want to see him, how come you're so glad he's here right now? How come your heart is racing?_ As he dished up his food, Doug tried to come up with safe topics of conversation. Because glad to see him or not, he was definitely sure he didn't want to talk to Jack about That. Not yet.   
  
"You want something to drink?" asked Doug. "I've got coke, pineapple-orange juice, or water."   
  
"I'll have a coke. Thanks."   
  
"No problem." Doug sat his food down on the table and went back into the kitchen and poured the drinks. When he returned, he still hadn't thought of one safe topic of conversation. He sat down next to Jack and started to eat, giving the now lukewarm Mongolian beef his full attention.   
  
"So you're probably wondering why I hijacked your dinner." Jack sat back in his chair and turned his blue gaze toward Doug.   
  
"Not really."   
  
"Really?"   
  
"Well, you're obviously mentally disturbed. Hijacking my dinner is probably the least of it."   
  
"How well you know me." Jack paused, "I missed you, you know."   
  
They sat in silence. Doug continued to eat his dinner. It was not 100% uncomfortable though both men were edgier than they wanted to admit.   
  
Finally Jack said, "So, how was Buffy?"   
  
"Pretty good actually. Willow is having some real problems..."   
  
"Hey, who's not?"   
  
Doug pushed his plate away and folds his hands, "Jack, I…"   
  
"Look Doug," interrupted Jack leaning in toward Doug, "I just want to know if you're ok."   
  
"I am," answered Doug quietly looking down at his hands.   
  
"Really?"   
  
Doug looked at Jack, his eyes soft and vulnerable. So different from the stern, upright, eternally guarded Sheriff Doug Witter the world was used to. Jack told himself to look away but he couldn't.   
  
"Don't I seem ok?" Doug practically whispered. The air between them was full of electricity. Doug's knees felt week and his head was spinning. He wished he hadn't eaten that Mongolian beef so quickly, he was afraid he was going to throw up. He wanted Jack to come closer. He wanted Jack to go away.   
  
"You seem…fragile," Jack whispered back and before he really even knew what he was doing, Jack leaned in to kiss that wonderful, beautiful mouth that was so close, so tantalizing. Jack couldn't remember wanting anything more.   
  
Suddenly, Doug stood up, grabbed the dishes from the table and said, "You better go Jack."   
  
He turned and went into the kitchen uncharacteristically slamming dishes into the sink. He turned on the tap and began washing them.   
  
"Doug. I…why are you so…angry?"   
  
"I guess I don't like being called a sissy!"   
  
"Sissy? I didn't…" Jack angrily reached over and turned off the water and stood in front of Doug. "This is crazy! What's really bugging you? Is it because I was going to kiss you? Or is it because you were going to let me kiss you?"   
  
There is silence as the two men stare at each other.   
  
"I don't like what you are doing to me!" spat Doug before turning and walking into the living room. "You should go," he said again, gesturing to the door.   
  
Jack ignored the request to leave and said, "What I'm doing to you? What am I doing to you?"   
  
There was a pause and Jack realized he was holding his breath. And then, as soon as he remembered to breathe, he realized what Doug was saying. He could hardly contain himself as he said, "I didn't make you gay Doug!"   
  
"But you make me feel, feel like…"   
  
"Like what?" Jack said angrily.   
  
"Like it's possible…like it's ok!"   
  
"It_** is **_ok! "   
  
"No. No it's not, I can't…be like you" said Doug, dropping heavily to the couch.   
  
Jack started pacing around the room. He told himself to calm down. But he didn't listen, instead he said, "What - you can't be happy? Honest? Loved? Alive? What exactly _**can't**_ you be Doug?"   
  
"Oh - like it's so easy right? Like your life is one big gay pride parade?"   
  
"Since when is anything ever easy? Is it easy being alone every night? Is it easy lying to yourself and your family every single day? Is it easy watching something that could be great - be ripped apart by insecurities and self-loathing? Is it easy talking but not really talking about what's going on? If you think all that is easy - then you have no idea what easy is!"   
  
"What do you mean?" asked Doug sounding honestly confused.   
  
Hearing that tone in Doug's voice did something to Jack. Suddenly Jack wasn't angry. All he wanted was to make Doug realize that the potential was real and that it was valuable. That this wasn't some failure on his part. He sat down at the other end of the couch, making sure that there was plenty of space between them. Then he said, "Easy is having someone's hand to hold. It's having someone to share your dreams with. Easy is knowing that no matter what, you're in it together. Easy is not being afraid."   
  
"This isn't easy."   
  
Jack couldn't help but give a short, bitter laugh, "No. No,it's not."   
  
There was another silence as Doug struggled to sort out his feelings, his thoughts, and his words. Finally he asked, "So what are we Jack? You and I? To each other. What are we?"   
  
"We aren't anything Doug. We just are." Jack sighed before continuing, "And we can't be anything until you can be honest with yourself."   
  
"But there is something between us…isn't there?"   
  
"You tell me," Jack countered and then waited for a response. When there wasn't one he said, "Doug…? You. Tell me."   
  
"I don't know. I think there is something…I feel…but I don't understand it - I don't trust it - I don't… I mean I can't just throw everything away on something…"   
  
"On me you mean?" interjected Jack.   
  
Doug wanted so desperately to make Jack understand but Jack kept pushing him. He kept interrupting him. It made it hard to think. It made it hard to say what he meant.   
  
"Look Jack, you know I have responsibilities, people expect me to…"   
  
"Bullshit. That's bullshit! You're just scared."   
  
Jack stood up and stared down at Doug feeling himself get angry all over again. "And you know what? It's pathetic. You are a grown man! Do you really want to live the rest of your life afraid of what you feel? Afraid of what you are? Of what people say for crying out loud? Is it worth it if it means you'll always be alone? You know what? I can't do this. I can't do it. I'm not going to coax you out of the closet and have you end up hating me because you can't handle who you are. You need to deal with yourself Doug. But guess what? **I don't.** So stop being afraid - stop feeling anything- I'm outta here. I'm sorry I intruded on your perfect little world. You're safe and I'm gone."   
  
**SLAM!** The door rattled in the frame from the force of Jack's departure. Doug continued to sit slumped on the couch telling himself that _Jack didn't know what he was talking about_ and that _Jack leaving was for the best_. So why were his eyes filling with tears? Why did he feel like he had managed to ruin everything? After a minute, Doug rubbed his eyes with the back of his hand, clenched his jaw and went into the kitchen to finish the few dishes, well dish, that remained.   
  
The three fortune cookies from his dinner sat on the counter. Out of habit he picked one up and broke it open. It said, _Answer just what you heart prompts you_. From the laundry room, he heard the buzzer of the washer signaling the completion of the spin cycle. _I know how they feel,_ thought Doug, _I've just gone though a spin cycle myself._   
  
Outside, Jack paused in front of the building wishing Doug would follow him but knowing that he wouldn't. _I just wanted to see him again_ thought Jack, wondering how it could have all gone so very wrong. I_ shouldn't have tried to kiss him. I shouldn't have tried to get him to talk to me about it. I shouldn't have tried…_ The fact was -- Doug was hopeless. And Jack was hopeless too, because he kept getting involved with hopeless cases like Doug. _Who was it that said,_ thought Jack, _that 'hope is the denial of reality'?"_ All Jack had left now was the reality of the situation.   
  
Slowly Jack walked to his car, got in and headed home. The song on the radio was proof that the universe loved a good punch line. Punch being the operative word. Jack felt like he'd taken a couple of hard ones to the solar plexus. As the song played, Jack let the tears roll down his face, knowing he had to put all this behind him. Somehow.   
  
_Your sorry eyes, they cut through bone.  
They make it hard to leave you alone.  
Leave you here wearin' your wounds  
Waving your guns at somebody new.  
Baby you're a lost  
Baby you're a lost  
Baby you're a lost cause.  
  
There's too many people you used to know  
They see you coming they see you go.  
They know your secrets and you know theirs  
This town is crazy, but nobody cares.  
  
Baby you're a lost  
Baby you're a lost  
Baby you're a lost cause.  
I'm tired of fighting  
I'm tired of fighting  
Fighting for a lost cause  
  
There's a place where you are going  
You ain't never been before  
No one laughing at your back now  
No one's standing at your door  
Is that what you thought love was for?  
  
Baby you're a lost   
Baby you're a lost  
Baby you're a lost cause  
I'm tired of fighting  
I'm tired of fighting  
Fighting for a lost cause.  
  
-Lost Cause  
by Beck_   
  


end part three

  
  



	4. Making Mistakes, Big Ones

**Seek and Go Hide  
part four**   
  
Pacey and Doug, bundled in their coats and hats, sat on the deck of the Ice House. It was a cold November night and it was very late. Capeside did a very good impression of being utterly deserted. Doug was tense and shivering. Pacey, on the other hand, felt flattened - like he had just had a ton of bricks dropped on him. He struggled to find the right thing to say.   
  
"You know I was kidding right? I mean I know it bugged you but I thought…it just, you know, bugged you…I never meant to…shit Doug. It's just… I didn't mean to hurt you," stammered Pacey.  
  
"I know. Forget it." Doug gave Pacey a smile letting him know that it was all water under the bridge as far as Doug was concerned.   
  
There was a comfortable silence until Pacey suddenly burst out with, "Good thing Dad isn't alive!"  
  
"That's a terrible thing to say but you're right," said Doug. They both laughed, neither really glad the old man was dead but recognizing how much more difficult this would have been for Doug had he been alive. _Would I have been able to do it?_ wondered Doug. He had spent his whole life trying to win and keep his father's approval. And there was no doubt in his mind that John Witter definitely would not approve of his oldest son being 'a queer homo'.   
  
"So."   
  
"So?"   
  
"So…are you gonna start wearing a dress and waxing your legs?"   
  
Doug couldn't help it, he snorted. "Not hardly. I'm still me Pacey."   
  
There was another pause before Doug said, "I am seeing a therapist in Boston - just to help sort some things out."   
  
"That's cool. So, have you told Mom? Or Gretchen? Or anybody else?" asked Pacey.   
  
"Not yet. I will, but not yet. I wanted to tell you first because…" Doug sighed and his voice trailed off.   
  
"Because of Jack right?" Pacey finished for him.   
  
"Jack…" The thought of Jack made Doug's face light up but he played it cool, "Jack's great but there's nothing going on between us."   
  
"Not yet you mean," said Pacey. He hadn't missed the way his brother's face changed when Jack's name came up. He knew that look, or rather, he knew what that look felt like. It was the same look he felt come over him when he let himself think about Joey. Which was almost never.   
  
"I don't know Pacey. I don't think Jack wants…"   
  
"He really likes you Doug…" Pacey interrupted. He thought back to some of Jack's recent weird behavior - it all made a lot more sense in light of this new information. In fact, he could kick himself for not putting two and two together sooner.   
  
"Maybe," said Doug thoughtfully. "Unfortunately there's more to it than that. It's complicated."   
  
"How so?" pushed Pacey. "You like him - he likes you - what's complicated about that?"   
  
"You really need a definition of complicated relationships? I urge to look at your own love life, little brother. You're a living, breathing example of how complications can mess up your life long term."   
  
"But Dougie, we aren't talking about me. Focus please."   
  
"I just don't know if turning my life completely upside down is really the right thing to do."   
  
"Really?" asked Pacey playfully, "Gonna take a page from Cher and 'Turn Back Time' are you? Enlarge the closet and just move in permanently?"   
  
"No. No, I don't think I can do that." Doug took a deep breath, "It's just so… so messy. I hate messy!" More softly he said, "I hate it!"   
  
"Well, you know me;" Pacey said smiling, "I'm a proponent of mess making, a creator of personal chaos, a firm believer in the wrong thing sometimes being the right thing."   
  
"Typical Pacey philosophy," said Doug trying not to resent his little brother's fearlessness. "It's certainly taken you far."   
  
Ignoring the dig, Pacey said sincerely, "You deserve to be happy Doug."   
  
"I do." Doug conceded, knowing it was true. "We all do I guess. Even you little brother."   
  
"Don't go all gay on me Doug - not now!"   
  
"Too late!" joked Doug, making them both laugh.   
  
"So when, exactly, is it going to be ok for me to say 'I told you so'?" teased Pacey.   
  
"Pretty much never - it would be terribly insensitive and cruel after all."   
  
"Yeah, I guess so. But Doug…"   
  
"Yeah?"   
  
"I totally told you so!" hooted Pacey.   
  
"And Pacey Witter's never-ending quest for sensitivity fails yet again!" said Doug shaking his head with mock sadness.   
  
--------------   
  
Later that week, Doug sat in his therapist's tastefully decorated Boston office and tried to explain his contradictory feelings. He was so glad Pacey knew but he also never wanted to tell another person he was gay for as long as he lived. He longed for intimacy but the thought of dating made him want to vomit up everything he had ever eaten in his entire life. He was gay. He was excited. He was terrified. He was so frustrated he wanted to bang his head against the colonial style coffee table that sat between him and Doctor Fiona Olson. She recognized his extreme state of aggravation and said, "Let's put aside the issue of sexual preference for a minute Doug."   
  
"But that's why I'm here," huffed Doug.   
  
"Just humor me a minute," she said. "Can you tell me a little bit about your feelings regarding change in general?"   
  
"I don't hate change," said Doug a little defensively.   
  
"That's an interesting way to start."   
  
"I mean it. I don't hate it, I just…I hate mistakes. I hate that feeling of when you mess up."   
  
"What is that feeling Doug?" she prodded gently.   
  
"What do you mean?"   
  
"Just think about it a minute. When you make a mistake, what specifically is that feeling?"   
  
There was a pause and then Doug answered, "Frustration. Shame. Failure I guess."   
  
She nodded, "So you have to do everything right, all the time? Or else you're a failure."   
  
"Pretty much," Doug agreed. "I either do things right or I don't do them at all."   
  
"So when do you get to try new things? When do you get to experiment? When do you get to play?"   
  
"I don't really… It's not…I'm a perfectionist. That's all. I like doing things the right way."   
  
"Have you always had to be perfect?"   
  
"For as long as I can remember," said Doug chewing worriedly on his lower lip, "My family, well my Dad…but look, I'm not here to talk about that. I'm here to talk about me being gay and why it freaks me out so much."   
  
"Ok," said Dr. Olson changing her tack slightly "Let me ask you this Doug. Do you think there is something wrong with homosexuality as it pertains to other people?"   
  
"What do you mean?"   
  
"Do you think there is something fundamentally wrong or defective with people who are gay? People like your friend Jack?" she clarified for him.   
  
"Of course not, no."   
  
"Do you think homosexuality, in general, is immoral or deviant?"   
  
"No."   
  
"Do you think it's a crime to love someone of the same sex?"   
  
"No."   
  
"Do you think it's repulsive or shameful to be attracted to someone of the same sex?"   
  
"Not really."   
  
"Do you think you deserve to find love and happiness?"   
  
"Yeah…"   
  
"Are you willing to mistakes to find that love and happiness Doug?"   
  
"?" Doug sat there, staring at Dr. Olson but not answering her question.   
  
"You see Doug; I'm starting to think this isn't really about your sexuality at all. You seem to be rather open minded and accepting of homosexuality. Maybe you've known for a long time that you are attracted to men. But you've never acted on it. It wasn't until you considered acting on those feelings that they suddenly became a problem. So it seems to me, that your neurosis stems not from the fact that you are attracted to men but rather from the fact that you don't allow yourself to make mistakes. You are resistant to change because you are reluctant to try anything outside of your comfort zone."   
  
Dr. Olson paused and smiled at Doug before continuing, "Accepting and then acting on your sexuality is going to take you out of your comfort zone in unpredictable ways. You'll be dealing with myriad new options and within each one, there is a potential for failure. From learning how to be physically close to someone to becoming intimate with someone on an emotional level - even the most experienced and well-adjusted human being makes mistakes in these areas. And in many ways, because you've closed yourself off for so long from love, and the intimate contacts that come with love, you'll be starting from square one. You'll be an adolescent. And what do adolescents do better than anyone else? They make mistakes. So you have to decide if starting over at square one and doing all that work is better or worse than not starting at all. And if you decide you are willing to do the work, then you are going to have to give yourself permission to make some mistakes. Even big, appalling, humiliating mistakes. But I can promise you; no one has died from embarrassment, at least not yet."   
  
Doug just sat there looking thoughtful and a bit stunned. What Dr. Olson said made a lot of sense but it was a lot to take in at once.   
  
"I tell you what," said the doctor, "I'll go get you a glass of water and give you a minute to digest all this."   
  
With that she left the office, leaving Doug pondering what to do next. Make mistakes. He didn't really like the sound of that, but it had a certain logic to it. When Dr. Olson returned with his water, she noted that their time was up for the day, "But we'll talk more about this next week. It would be great if between now and then, you allowed yourself a new experience or two. It doesn't have to be anything major. Just do something you wouldn't normally allow yourself to do because you're afraid you can't do it perfectly."   
  
Doug nodded, "I'll give it a try." Doug finished his water quickly; even after all these weeks, he was always a little surprised how thirsty these sessions made him. Doug stood up to go, "Thanks Doc. This was actually pretty helpful."   
  
Doctor Olson smiled and let out a small laugh. She was as glad that the skeptical Sheriff Witter was finally starting to realize that therapy wasn't a waste of his valuable time. "Have a good week Doug."   
  
-------------   
  
Later that afternoon, Doug and Pacey were driving back to Capeside in Pacey's beloved wreck of a car. Pacey had insisted on driving up to Boston with Doug after claiming that he needed to speak to a new supplier for the Ice House who was, conveniently, located in the city. He had convinced Doug that a Witter brother road trip was something neither one of them could afford to miss. So far, the trip had been fun. The two brothers had done a little Christmas shopping and had lunch before splitting up and going to their respective appointments.   
  
"So what she said made a lot of sense but I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to do next," finished Doug. He couldn't believe he was talking to Pacey about all this but his little brother had proven to be a surprisingly good listener and had even kicked in some words of wisdom in his own right. After the years of animosity between them, Doug appreciated the friendship that had slowly grown between them over the last year and he knew Pacey did too.   
  
"Well, luckily you happen to be related to the King of Blunders, Mishaps and General Errors in Judgment. I know exactly what you need to do!" said Pacey with a sly smile. With that said, he made a spectacularly hasty U turn and headed back toward Boston.   
  
"Jesus Pacey! Death on the highway wasn't exactly the new experience I was hoping for!" yelped Doug.   
  
"Relax man. I know what I'm doing!"   
  
"Where are we going?" asked Doug.   
  
"Back to Boston," answered Pacey merrily.   
  
"Why?"   
  
"Because Beantown is a great place to make mistakes! And unlike Capeside, there's plenty of anonymity to go around."   
  
"Yeah, I don't like the sound of this," said Doug who was suddenly squeamish, "Let's just go home."   
  
"No can do. It's time for you to get your gay on Doug!"   
  
"I don't even know what that means you moron!"   
  
"You will by the time this night is over," laughed Pacey.   
  
-----------   
  
The bar Pacey took them to was called The Juju Lounge; it was dark, smoky and a little sordid. It was also packed with a variety of beautiful, and one assumed, available men.   
  
Doug was extremely apprehensive and so, in an effort to calm his nerves, he downed several beers in quick succession. Doug wasn't really a big drinker; consequently, he became tipsy very quickly. As Doug finished beer number three, Pacey scoped out the place and asked, "So what's your type Dougie?"   
  
"I don't have a type yet do I?"   
  
"Sure. You must. What about that guy?" Pacey gestured to a very tall slender blonde who was wearing cropped red t-shirt, silver pants and several hoop earrings.   
  
Without missing a beat, Doug said, "Way too gay."   
  
"That one?" asked Pacey motioning to a Latino man in baggy pants that were about to fall down.   
  
"Belt-adverse. That's a problem," laughed Doug.   
  
"Ok, what about him?" This time Pacey pointed to an older man in a plaid shirt.   
  
"Ugh. He looks like Dad. Your taste in men is terrible! Maybe I'll just go check this place out on my own," laughing a little Doug got up from the table and headed over to the bar. He didn't really want to mix and mingle but he couldn't sit there picking out men with his little brother. It was too weird.   
  
He waited to get the bartender's attention, then ordered yet another beer, this one with a whiskey side car. He was feeling pretty good. Maybe Pacey had been right to drag him here. He looked over at his brother to see that even in a bar primarily full of men, Pacey had found a couple of girls to chat up. And they even looked interested. _Must be fag hags_ thought Doug hazily. He turned back to his beer and took a deep drink.   
  
"Hey there cowboy. Mind if I join you?" asked a smooth voice. Doug looked over and focused on the owner of the voice. He was of medium build with dark brown hair and brown eyes. He wore a green sweater, jeans, and some unfortunate tennis shoes. _Not bad_ thought Doug, _I think. Does that mean he's my type?_   
  
"So, do I pass inspection? Can I sit down?" the man indicated the barstool next to Doug.   
  
"Yeah. Go ahead. I didn't mean to stare. Did I stare?"   
  
"I'm Greg," said the man deliberately ignoring Doug's question.   
  
"Doug. Are you hitting on me? And if so, why? Are you hitting on me?" asked Doug not realizing what an ass he sounded like.   
  
"Not anymore," said Greg as he got up and walked away.   
  
_That didn't go well_ thought Doug drunkenly as he finished his beer and ordered another. _I better do better._   
  
He scanned the dim room searching for he didn't know exactly what. When he saw a tall, slender but well muscled, man with dark hair and full lips he instinctively thought of Jack and smiled. Without thinking he walked across the room and toward the man who bore a passing resemblance to Jack and introduced himself.   
  
"Hi, I'm Doug"   
  
"David," said the man not bothering to look at Doug.   
  
"You remind me of someone," said Doug. "He's beautiful too."   
  
With that, David turned and actually looked at Doug. Pleased by what he saw, David smiled and said, "Really?" David's eyes were shining at Doug and he gave him a seductive look as if daring him to say more.   
  
"Oh yeah," Doug couldn't help it he ran his hand up this stranger's strong arm, thrilling to the touch and amazed by his boldness. _Alcohol is really very helpful_ he thought, _I'm not nervous at all!_   
  
From across the bar, Pacey saw Doug talking to a tall, good-looking man. In fact, he was surprised to see that Doug was practically hanging off the man's arm. _That was fast_ thought Pacey. _Maybe too fast_ he corrected as he saw another man approach Doug and the stranger. This new guy looked decidedly angry. When he saw the angry guy shove his brother, he hurriedly excused himself to the redhead he had been chatting up and headed over toward Doug.   
  
"I don't know what your problem is man but you better step off."   
  
"I have no problem. I was merely having a conversation with David here," said Doug slurring his words a tiny bit. "If there is a problem, perhaps it is you. Maybe you should leave us alone."   
  
"Doug, what's going on?" asked Pacey, doing his best to look tough and formidable. He didn't like the feel of this.   
  
"Pace - Meet the beautiful David!" enthused an obviously drunk Doug. "I do not know who this rude fellow is."   
  
"I'm David's boyfriend," snarled the angry man. David, for his part, just stood back and looked for all the world like he enjoyed nothing more than having men fight over him.   
  
Pacey realized this situation could get ugly fast and in hopes of defusing the situation said, "Look dude, my brother, he's not a drinker and he's pretty drunk right now. So how 'bout we just get outta your way and no harm, no foul."   
  
"I think that's a smart idea," sneered the man, "and if your brother can't hold his liquor or his tongue, maybe he shouldn't be playing with the grown ups."   
  
"Fuck you!"   
  
Pacey couldn't believe it; he was pretty sure he had never heard Doug utter those words before in his life. What has happening here?   
  
"What did you say?" bellowed Mr. Angry Boyfriend.   
  
"You heard me. You think you can mess with me? I may be a little bit drunk but you're a huge jackass."   
  
"Doug, come on, let's just go," urged Pacey.   
  
"Back off Pacey, I can take care of myself!"   
  
"I know you can Doug," said Pacey, "But think, is it really worth it?"   
  
Just then Mr. Angry Boyfriend took a swing at Doug, who neatly dodged the incoming blow. Whirling around, Mr. Angry looked, if anything, angrier and sputtering he came at Doug again.   
  
Again Doug sidestepped the bigger man. Looking at Pacey, Doug said, "You're right, it's not worth it. Besides, he's a total clod." Turning toward Mr. Angry, Doug said haughtily, "You sir, lack finesse."   
  
Pacey was pretty sure that that was the final straw. Mr. Angry may lack finesse but he had motivation and muscles to spare. He reared back and Pacey steeled himself for what was coming next...   
  
Just then a bartender came over to see what all the commotion was about, "Is there a problem here? Billy are you fighting again? Goddammit. I told you last time…"   
  
As the bartender hollered at Billy, Pacey and Doug decided to take their leave of The Juju Lounge. Grabbing their coats, they headed out to the street.   
  
"Jesus, Doug," cried Pacey, "What was that all about? Doug Witter picking a fight in a bar? That's something I never thought I'd see."   
  
"I didn't pick a fight," exclaimed Doug. The brothers were walking briskly down the street towards the car in hopes of staying warm.   
  
"Yeah, you did. And you were hitting on the guy's boyfriend!"   
  
"I was not! Was I? He was cute," said Doug.   
  
"Who are you?"   
  
"Hello. I'm supposed to be trying new things. Plus, do I have to remind you that this was your big idea."   
  
"I didn't know you were going to try everything tonight," said Pacey, laughing a little. "I thought maybe some flirting, a phone number exchange, you know rookie stuff."   
  
"I didn't try everything. I didn't even kiss him!"   
  
"Well the night is still," Pacey looked at his watch, "…relatively young. If you're still up for it that is."   
  
"Where will we go?"   
  
"What about this place?" They were in front of a place called The Cuff Club; it was far seedier than The Juju Lounge but just as packed, if not more so.   
  
"Ok," said Doug and he turned and he walked in the front door, surprising Pacey once again. _He must be drunker than I thought_, thought Pacey as he attempted followed him inside.   
  
Inside the club, the music was so loud that Doug could barely hear himself think. He wandered over toward the dance floor, just to take a look. It was crowded with men and women dancing. He took it all in and soon found that he was hypnotized by the rhythm of the music and the pulsating bodies.   
  
_(Wake me up)  
Wake me up inside  
(I can't wake up)  
Wake me up inside  
(Save me)  
call my name and save me from the dark  
(Wake me up)  
bid my blood to run  
(I can't wake up)  
before I come undone  
(Save me)  
save me from the nothing I've become_   
  
_Wake me up_, thought Doug, _save me from the nothing_…Doug found himself on the dance floor moving, lost amongst the bodies, feeling the heat and the beat and the alcohol envelope him in a safe bubble. _Save me from the nothing I've become._ More than anything Doug wanted to feel what everyone else felt, to know what they knew.   
  
When he felt a pair of strong hands on his waist, Doug was startled. He turned around to face a very pretty boy with green eyes, black hair and a lusty look in his eyes. Doug opened his mouth to say something then realized he'd never be heard above the music, so he shut his mouth. He let himself dance with this mysterious stranger, trying not to think about what he was doing. _I need another beer_ thought Doug as he felt the familiar anxiety rear its head.   
  
The boy had no idea that Doug was struggling with himself to stay in the moment and just live. But when he leaned in and kissed Doug, he felt the jolt that shot through him and smiled.  
  
Doug was so shocked by the kiss that for a moment he just stood stock still in the middle of the dance floor. But the boy didn't let up; he kept kissing Doug, nuzzling his neck and nibbling on his ear. Doug's vulnerable defenses came crashing down and he found himself making out with a total stranger in the middle of a dance floor in a seedy little club in Boston. Doug couldn't believe how turned on he was by this. He was aware that a small part of his brain found the experience very funny and strange but he ignored it. He kept dancing. He kept kissing the boy.   
  
When the boy took his hand and pulled him off the dance floor and out the back door and into the alley, Doug had no desire to resist him. Once outside he said, "What's your name?" The boy, _he had to be at least 21 didn't he? _thought Doug, didn't answer but instead started kissing Doug ferociously again.   
  
When they broke apart, the boy said, "Blaze."   
  
"What?" asked Doug somewhat breathlessly.   
  
"You can call me Blaze. You wanna go somewhere more private? Your place?" He ran his hands up Doug's chest and stared deep into his eyes.   
  
"I'm not from here," said Doug.   
  
Blaze sighed and looked annoyed.   
  
"My car isn't far away," Doug quickly offered wanting more than anything at that moment, to make Blaze happy. "We could go there."   
  
"Ok. Let's go."   
  
As they walked the short distance to the parking garage, Doug tried to strike up a conversation.   
  
"How old are you?"   
  
"Don't worry about it ok? I'm old enough."   
  
Puzzled by Blaze's response he changed the subject. "Do you go to The Cuff Club often?"   
  
"Are you kidding me with this shit?"   
  
"I was just…you know, curious."   
  
"Don't worry I'll satisfy your curiosity when we get to the car ok?"   
  
They walked in silence the rest of the way. When they got to the garage, Doug panicked thinking _Pacey has the keys_! The he remembered he had the spare key on his key ring. _Thank goodness! That would have been so embarrassing!_   
  
"Your car's kinda a piece of shit," observed Blaze.   
  
"Actually it's my brother's car. I have an Explorer but we took his car this time. He used to have a BMW but…" aware that he was starting to ramble, Doug fell silent. He unlocked the passenger door and held it open for Blaze then walked around and got in the driver's side.   
  
As he situated himself, he looked at Blaze more closely. He was very handsome but maybe not as young as he had appeared in the Club. _That's a good thing_ he told himself. He had a strained look around his eyes Doug noted. He reached up and stroked Blaze's face tenderly. Blaze took that as his cue to start kissing Doug again.   
  
_I should have told Pacey I was leaving_ thought Doug. _He won't know what happened to me. I hope he doesn't worry._   
  
"Hey big guy, you want to do this or not? I get the feeling you aren't really here."   
  
"No, I mean I do. Want to. I'm here," Doug assured Blaze.   
  
"Ok, since we're in a car, we're kinda limited by what can happen. But you'll enjoy it no matter."   
  
"Sure…" said Doug becoming a little confused.   
  
"So it's $35 for hand, $55 oral - which you want?"   
  
"What?" The reality of the situation came crashing down on Doug. This boy, this beautiful boy, was soliciting him. There was no spontaneous, magical passion between them; it had all been about money. For a minute Doug thought he was going to be sick. He was sober in an instant.   
  
"What's it gonna be Mister? Hand job or blowjob? I ain't got all night."   
  
"Yeah, I'm afraid there's been a misunderstanding here…" Doug wished the earth would open up and swallow him whole. This would teach him. Or yes, it certainly would.   
  
'You're shitting me right?" Blaze was getting angry. "Don't fuck with me man. You drug me all the way out here!" Then he saw the look on Doug's face and laughed bitterly, "What? Did you think this was some love connection we had going on? Gimme a break. You fuckin' idiot. Look at least give me $20 bucks for my trouble."   
  
"That's not going to happen Blaze."   
  
"Give me one reason why the fuck not?"   
  
"How about because I'm a cop." Doug pulled out his badge betting Blaze wouldn't notice that he was from Capeside and not Boston. He was right.   
  
"Shit man," Blaze hustled to get out of the car, "No hard feelings huh? Honest mistake. Have a good evening officer." Blaze beat a hasty retreat away from Doug and out the parking garage. A minute passed by and Doug just sat there letting the horrified feelings and nausea wash over him. What had he done? What had he almost done? Why? What was wrong with him?   
  
He sagged in the car seat and rested his head on the steering wheel. He willed his heart to keep beating. He reminded his lungs to keep exhaling and inhaling. He clenched and unclenched his fists. He wished for some sort of unexpected, spur-of-the-moment amnesia.   
  
When, after 20 minutes he neither died from the humiliation nor ceased remembering what had just transpired, Doug realized he was going to have to go back to the Club and find Pacey. _That's just perfect,_ thought Doug angrily. _Perfect. Perfect. Perfect._  
  
Doug stomped back to The Cuff Club and stared at the building that not that long ago seemed to hold fun and excitement. The music still beat loudly and people still poured in and out, but to Doug's now jaded eye, it seemed disgusting, shallow, and pathetic. He walked in and looked for Pacey. He saw him by the bar, nursing a beer and looking around as if trying to spot someone in the crush of people. _He's looking for me_ Doug realized. It made him feel a tiny bit better to know somebody cared about him. Even if it was his no-good brother. He pushed his way over to Pacey and signaled that they should leave.   
  
When they both reached the sidewalk, Pacey grinned and said, "Where did you go? I was starting to think you ditched me! Last I saw, you were working it out on the dance floor. So," he arched his eyebrows at Doug, "what happened? Spill it. Did you get lucky?"   
  
Doug started walking back toward the car. "Did I get lucky?" asked Doug bitterly. "In a manner of speaking, I suppose I did."   
  
"You dog! Tell me…"   
  
"I don't want to talk about it Pacey."   
  
"Pretty sure I'm not gonna let you off the hook with that Doug," laughed Pacey as he threw an arm around Doug's neck and pretended to give him a noogie.   
  
Doug quickly disentangled himself from Pacey and shoved his brother away. "Pretty sure you have no choice," spat Doug.   
  
"Doug, what the hell happened? Last I saw you, you were happy and having a good time."   
  
Doug stopped walking and turned and faced Pacey, "That guy you saw me with on the dance floor…?"   
  
"Yeah?"   
  
"We went out to the car…"   
  
"And?"   
  
"And he was a prostitute! He wanted me to pay him for…you know."   
  
"And did you?"   
  
Doug stormed off down the street, practically screaming, "Hell no! HELL NO! Why would you think…?!"   
  
"Calm down Doug," Pacey ran to catch up with Doug and said in his most soothing voice. "A lot of guys have gone to…professionals…for…stuff. It's not the end of the world."   
  
"Pacey! I thought there was something, some spark between us. I didn't know…I'm so stupid. Stupid!"   
  
"Dougie, stop for a second."   
  
Arms crossed and face stony, Doug did as Pacey asked. Pacey could see that Doug was embarrassed and hurting and truthfully Pacey didn't know what he could say that would make him feel even a little bit better. He opened with the obvious, "I'm sorry that happened Doug. Really."   
  
Doug looked at Pacey his eyes filling with tears, "I…it's…why…"   
  
"It sucks Doug, but it's not your fault. These things…well they happen when you put yourself out there. Life is a series of fuck-ups man. At least for most of us."   
  
"I hate this."   
  
'I know but try and look on the bright side. You wanted to have some new experiences and allow yourself to make some mistakes and you did. That's a big deal Doug. You made some real doozies too. You got drunk, hit on a guy with a boyfriend, got in a bar fight, made out on the dance floor with a hot guy who turned around tried to get you to pay for sex. You did all that in one night. One night. It's a pretty impressive array of mistakes. But now you won't have to worry about making any mistakes for the next… several months at least. You met your quota."   
  
"It's not funny Pacey."   
  
"No. It's not," agreed Pacey, nodding solemnly. "Maybe…well, just a tiny bit funny. Come on Doug! You never screw up! I had no idea you had this in you! I honestly thought I had the family market cornered on spectacular mistakes. Seriously, I know you're freaked out, but I'm impressed. You went for it - you just grabbed life by the balls and went for it. It's cool. I mean, I know it didn't turn out great but Damn! You should try and be proud of the fact that you went for it Doug."   
  
"You are such a moron," said Doug but he couldn't help but smile. Pacey was obviously sincere in his admiration and surprisingly, it did make Doug feel a little bit better. "Can we please go home?"   
  
"Absolutely. Destination: Capeside," said Pacey glad he was able to smooth Doug out at least a little bit.   
  
-------------------   
  
It was late when the brothers pulled into town. Doug had fallen asleep for a large part of the drive back and Pacey had to shake him awake when he finally got to Doug's place.   
  
"Dougie? Rise and shine," Pacey chirped. "You're home."   
  
"Wha..? Oh, I feel like hell. My neck…" Doug rolled his head around trying to stretch the kink out of his neck. The movements made him feel queasy, well queasier actually. "My head….urghh."   
  
"Drink a big glass of water and take some aspirin before you go to bed champ," counseled Pacey.   
  
Doug got out of the car gingerly and stretched when he stood up. He looked at his brother, rumpled and bleary from the drive back to Capeside, "Thanks Pacey."   
  
"For what?"   
  
"For what you said. And did. And for driving my sorry butt home."   
  
"Sure thing."   
  
"I'll probably be blaming at least some of this on you tomorrow."   
  
"I wouldn't have it any other way Doug."   
  
"Ok, well good night," Doug turned and headed toward the front door of his building.   
  
"Hey Gaywad," hollered Pacey. "Don't beat yourself up too much ok? There's no sport in it."   
  
"Go home Pacey," replied Doug, smirking despite the pain in his head. The song from earlier in the night ran through his mind. _I may not feel good _Doug thought _but at least I feel something_.   
  
_How can you see into my eyes like open doors  
leading you down into my core  
where I've become so numb without a soul my spirit sleeping somewhere cold   
until you find it there and lead it back home   
  
(Wake me up)  
Wake me up inside  
(I can't wake up)  
Wake me up inside  
(Save me)  
call my name and save me from the dark  
(Wake me up)  
bid my blood to run  
(I can't wake up)  
before I come undone  
(Save me)  
save me from the nothing I've become   
  
Now that I know what I'm without  
you can't just leave me  
breathe into me and make me real  
bring me to life   
  
(Wake me up)  
Wake me up inside  
(I can't wake up)  
Wake me up inside  
(Save me)  
call my name and save me from the dark  
(Wake me up)  
bid my blood to run  
(I can't wake up)  
before I come undone  
(Save me)  
save me from the nothing I've become   
  
Frozen inside without your touch without your love darling only you are the life among the dead   
  
All this time I can't believe I couldn't see  
kept in the dark but you were there in front of me  
I've been sleeping a thousand years it seems  
got to open my eyes to everything  
without a thought without a voice without a soul  
don't let me die here  
there must be something more  
bring me to life   
  
(Wake me up)  
Wake me up inside  
(I can't wake up)  
Wake me up inside  
(Save me)  
call my name and save me from the dark  
(Wake me up)  
bid my blood to run  
(I can't wake up)  
before I come undone  
(Save me)  
save me from the nothing I've become   
  
(Bring me to life)  
I've been living a lie, there's nothing inside  
(Bring me to life)   
  
- Bring Me To Life  
By Evanescence_   
  


end part four

  
  



	5. Wanting The Unwanted and Other Wounds

**Seek and Go Hide  
part five**   
  
It was just past 9:00pm and Jack had just finished spilling his guts about Doug to his best friend. They had been on the phone for over an hour already.   
  
"I don't know Jackers, I thought you were done with the straight boys a long time ago…"   
  
"But he's not straight Jen," said Jack plaintively, "He's just …a late bloomer."   
  
"What does Pacey say?" asked Jen seriously.   
  
"I haven't really talked to Pacey about it. I mean not in so many words. Or with any words."   
  
"Why not?"   
  
"Well for one thing, I don't think it's my place to out Doug to Pacey," said Jack.   
  
"Maybe Doug already told Pacey."   
  
"That's incredibly doubtful."   
  
"You never know. You said he was talking to somebody - maybe it's Pacey. And besides, what happened to the sneaky Jack I used to know? Sneaky Jack would be able to discover what Pacey knew before Pacey even knew what hit him. Sneaky Jack knew how to pump for information. Sneaky Jack had skills," teased Jen.   
  
"I still have skills," pouted Jack.   
  
"Then use them McPhee! What the hell?"   
  
"Yeah, I guess."   
  
Jen sighed, "What else?"   
  
"I haven't felt like this in so long Jen. We have so much in common and we have fun and he's so kind and…" Jack's voice trailed off.   
  
"And he's freakin' hot!" finished Jen. "Plus there's the uniform. I admit he presents a tasty package."   
  
Jack laughed, "And you haven't even seen him recently! I swear he's gotten better looking! I look at him and I just go limp…"   
  
"Jack, I know it's been awhile but going limp? That's actually a bad sign!"   
  
"You know what I mean!" said Jack indignantly.   
  
Jen relented, "Sure. Weak knees, tender heart, buzzing brain, sweaty palms, flushed cheeks. I vaguely recall the rush of desire."   
  
"I know you do. So what do I do?"   
  
"Well Jack, abandoned pregnant women aren't really known for their stellar advice, but I say go for it. Talk to Pacey. Or even better, go talk to Doug. Let him know you understand that he's in a vulnerable place but also let him know that you're interested in pursuing whatever it is between you two. If he feels it too, then you guys can go from there. But Jack…"   
  
"Yeah Jen?"   
  
"He may not want to do that. He may not be able to give you what you need. What you deserve. And if he's not capable of that, then you can't waste your time. Don't just set yourself up for failure. You've been hurt enough. Promise me you'll break this pattern.   
  
"Jen…"   
  
"Ok, then promise me you'll at least try to break this pattern," insisted Jen.   
  
"I'll keep my eyes open."   
  
"It's not your eyes I'm worried about Jack, it's your stupid, fragile, little heart that concerns me."   
  
"Speaking of little hearts, how's the bean sprout?"   
  
"Growing. None of my clothes fit right. Plus, who knew the second trimester would be all about my breasts. They are attention-getters! Oh! And according to the books, the baby now has hair all over its entire body. Which truthfully? Is a little creepy. Ever since I read that, I keep dreaming about an evil monkey living inside me and I constantly crave bananas. I might be insane."   
  
Jack did his best not to laugh because he knew Jen was genuinely concerned. The shock of the pregnancy coupled with her dickhead boyfriend's departure, had left her completely at sea and more than a little moody. Though Grams assured him the moods had to do with her changing hormones and were not necessarily the hallmark of instability. "You're not insane Jen," Jack said soothingly.   
  
"Well you've been warned. And if I give birth to a monkey, you're in charge!"   
  
"Me? Why am I in charge? What do I know about monkeys?"   
  
"It's an unwritten rule - godparents always take charge in case of simian births. You've heard that right? I'm sure I read it in one of my books…"   
  
"Oh no…" laughed Jack. Then, realizing what she had just said, he sputtered, "Wait Jen. Hang on. You want me to be the baby's godparent?"   
  
"Well I figure that's better than you being the baby's 'there-is-no-god-parent'."   
  
"You're hilarious."   
  
"Will you do it Jack?"   
  
"Of course I will. Of course. I'm honored you asked me."   
  
"There's no one else I would even consider Jack." Jen paused thoughtfully then said, "This baby is going to need you almost as much as I do."   
  
"Well, that baby's got me. And so do you. Always. Hey, does this mean I get some input regarding the name? If so, I suggest Mojo if it's a boy and Koko if it's a girl."   
  
"Jack are you prepared to be hung up on?" asked Jen sweetly.   
  
"Yeah," smirked Jack.   
  
"Good." And with that the phone went dead. Jack sat the cordless phone down on the counter and smiled widely. Talking to Jen had cheered him up and given him a renewed sense of hope. _And a godbaby _thought Jack. _I'm going to be a godparent!_ The idea filled him with joy. _I can't wait to spoil that kid!_ The phone rang under his hand. Unsurprised, Jack picked up the receiver knowing it would be Jen.   
  
"I love you Jack."   
  
"I love you too Jen."   
  
"Night."   
  
----------------------------------------   
  
It was late, but Jack figured he take a little walk and see if maybe, just maybe, Pacey was around. He put on his coat and hat and headed toward the Ice House. It was colder than he expected it to be. Winter in Capeside was always so weird; sometimes it was almost balmy but often it snowed. Capeside: Land of Unseasonable Weather and Convoluted Emotions. _It ought to be a bumper sticker _thought Jack as he headed across town.   
  
When he reached the Ice House, it was mostly dark. It was obvious that everyone, patrons and staff, had gone home long ago - everyone except the one man who never seemed to leave. Pacey had become a total workaholic since his return to Capeside. As someone who had been friends with Pacey for so many years, Jack found his utter devotion to the restaurant both impressive and worrisome. It didn't take a genius to see that Pacey was using work as a way to avoid everything else life might have in store for him. But try getting him to talk about it and you were likely to get an earful of denials and recriminations. And if you were really lucky, you might even get a sock in the jaw. Jack grimaced, remembering the night he had pushed Pacey a little too far regarding that very subject.   
  
Jack knocked on the window, peering deep inside. Startled, Pacey looked up from behind the bar and the stack of papers he was apparently digging through. Seeing a dark, Jack-shaped figure, Pacey smiled and got up to let his friend in from the cold.   
  
"Jackie! Whatcha doin?" enthused a pungent Pacey. "Come in! Does it seem colder than usual to you?"   
  
"Hey Pace. Yeah, it's borderline frigid out there. You busy?" Jack followed Pacey back to the bar wondering why he reeked of alcohol. He sniffed, "Are you drinking bourbon?"   
  
"Among other libations. You want one?"   
  
"Not really," answered Jack. Seeing Pacey's face fall, he changed his mind, "Maybe small one."   
  
"Righty-oh. Warm you up old school!" Pacey refilled his own glass and poured Jack a not-small glass of bourbon. He passed it over to his friend saying, "Here's too less regret and more fun! Cheers!"   
  
Jack took a drink, feeling the warmth of the liquor spread though him. He relaxed a little. "Hey guess what? Jen asked me to be the baby's godparent!"   
  
"Jen doesn't believe in God."   
  
"See that?" Jack pointed back towards the kitchen and Pacey's gazed followed. "That's the point you're missing," cracked Jack as he shoved an unseeing and unsuspecting Pacey playfully on the shoulder.   
  
"Oh!" exclaimed Pacey as he toppled over, crashing into the back bar before hitting the floor with a thud. "Congratulations! When'd you get so tough and mean?"   
  
"Shit Pacey, I'm sorry!" Jack hurried around the bar to help his friend up.   
  
"You probably did not notice that I am somewhat intoxicated," said Pacey as he regained his feet. He swayed slightly before walking around and sitting down heavily on a barstool. "How could you know?"   
  
"Actually, I did notice. I just didn't realize it would make you a pushover."   
  
"I've always been a pushover Jack. Ask anyone." Seeing the concerned look in Jack's eyes, Pacey tried to change the subject, "Howza momma-to-be doing anyway?"   
  
"She's fine…you know, considering."   
  
Pacey nodded, "She got a bum deal with that bum."   
  
"Well, if you ask me she's better off without him," responded Jack.   
  
"Maybe in the long run, but I bet it doesn't feel like it to her," Pacey frowned and his eyes drooped a little. "What does 'better off' mean anyway?"   
  
"So Pacey, what's with you? Why are you three sheets to the wind?" asked Jack.   
  
"I'm not three sheets or two or even one sheet to the wind. I am not sheety. I'm merely doing some late night paperwork." As he motioned to the pile of papers, he managed to knock them all off the bar and onto the floor. "My system!" laughed Pacey. "I may be a little," he gestured with his thumb and forefinger, "…a little, just a smidgen sheety." He squinted comically at Jack, "A little bit."   
  
Jack bent down to pick up the papers, smiling and shaking his head. He asked again, "So how come the intox-ithon?"   
  
"I just need to empty out the old brainpan. I feel bad." Pacey sighed and took another drink.   
  
Jack looked up surprised. Getting a straightforward answer out of Pacey almost never happened. Jack set the papers neatly back on the bar and sat down next to his friend. "What do you feel bad about?" asked Jack gently.   
  
"Doug."   
  
To say Jack was surprised was an immense understatement. He waited for Pacey to continue.   
  
"We went to Boston the other night…went to some clubs and I…I encouraged him…well he got into some… It wasn't a big deal but you know Dougie."   
  
Jack had no idea what Pacey was talking about. "Yeah?" he prompted Pacey.   
  
"He's so freaked out but he's trying…and I'm so proud of him 'cuz I never would have thought he'd have the nerve…and he made out with that guy. On the dance floor! Can you believe that Jack! A. He was dancing. B. He was kising. C. A hot guy!"   
  
Seeing Jack's stunned look, Pacey laughed and continued, "I know! It blew me away too! But then the guy wants money and Doug flips his lid. Which, come on, is understandable because how was he supposed to know the dude was a hustler? He just wants to get caught up with the rest of the world, you know, but now this…I dunno. He's messed up good now. And he's my brother… I wanted to help him…and the road to hell is paved with my good intentions… and…and…and shit I shouldn't be telling you this. Doug would actually shoot me dead if he knew I was telling you any of this. Whoa. Soon I'll know what it feels like to be riddled with bullets…that's an odd thought…not comforting at all…" Pacey looked like he was going to be sick.   
  
Jack was quick to reassure him, "It'll be ok Pacey. Doug won't shoot you."   
  
"Yeah, he will. I'm a dead man. So go ahead, tell a dead man Jack," Pacey said wryly, "because if you can't trust a dead man, who can you trust? Tell me, do you really like him?"   
  
"Pacey. It's not that simple."   
  
"Bullshit. You're two peas in a pod of bullshit. Try again."   
  
Jack didn't understand Pacey's peas reference, so he just ignored it. "I…I think Doug is terrific but…man, he's got issues. And when I try to talk to him, he just pushes me away. I don't know how to deal with someone who won't let me in. But then I can't stop thinking about him…"   
  
"Is it a sex thing Jack? Or more than that? What do you want?" pushed Pacey.   
  
Jack stared at Pacey unsure of his answer but not wanting to lie. "I don't know Pacey. I want to find out. I do know I haven't felt like this in a long, long time."   
  
"Well, You need to give him some time Jack. He's gotta come around on his own. He's stubborn. And also, he's going to kill me. You might not want to get involved with a murder. Not that he doesn't have good reason…I mean, yes, I'm drunk but mostly, I'm just stupid."   
  
"Pacey, stop it. He's not going to kill you. Look, you should head home and get some sleep. Sleep this off. You'll feel better tomorrow. I'll lock this place up. Can you get home by yourself?"   
  
Pacey nodded. "Maybe you're right," he handed Jack the restaurant keys and looked around for his coat. "But if not, wear a nice suit to my funeral. And tell Joey…tell her…that being riddled with bullets wasn't so bad compared to …to some other wounds I could name." Putting on his coat, Pacey headed for the door and didn't even look back at Jack.   
  
--------------------------------   
  
Doug had been sitting out on the beach for several hours. He was desperately trying to clear his head and usually the ocean helped him do that. If it was working at all tonight, it was taking an awfully long time. Doug hadn't been sleeping well the past couple of days. He had taken a few days off work, holed up in his apartment, stopped returning phone calls and had even stopped shaving. His mysterious absence had caused a stir both at work and among his family. Everyone was so concerned. They had no idea what was wrong. Except for Pacey. But Pacey knew what was good for him, and so he backed up Doug's story and told anyone who asked that the Sheriff had the flu but would be fine in a couple of days.   
  
Doug had spent most of the first day after the Boston debacle recovering from his hangover. He hadn't felt that dreadful for as long as he could remember. But once the hangover was gone, it left Doug free to dwell on the events of that ridiculous evening. At which point he wished, more than anything, that he still had the wonderfully distracting, introspection-stopping hangover.   
  
_So it's $35 for hand, $55 oral - which you want? What? Did you think this was some love connection we had going on? Gimme a break. You fuckin' idiot. So it's $35 for hand, $55 oral - which you want? What? Did you think this was some love connection we had going on? Gimme a break. You fuckin' idiot. You fuckin' idiot. You fuckin' idiot._ Over and over it played out in his head. It was crazy he knew, to obsess like this. Objectively he told himself that Dr. Olson had been right - that no one died from embarrassment no matter how severe, and that this was all part of the learning process. _But I'm an officer of the law! I should know better! If anyone found out, I could lose my job!_ The thought of losing the one thing that had historically meant the most to him turned his stomach and made his blood run cold. _Is it worth it? Can't I be happy the way I was?_ This thought was quickly followed by a sinking sensation and the knowledge that no, he couldn't go back, couldn't be happy that way and in fact, had never been happy that way.   
  
So there Doug sat, in the cold night air, huddled by the small driftwood fire he had built when the cold had finally soaked though his jacket and into his bones. He felt like he was being pulled apart. He was scared to go forward and refused to go back. So where does that leave me? he thought.   
  
"Aren't open fires on this beach illegal?" asked Jack as he appeared from nowhere and startled the hell out of Doug. Seeing Jack again caused Doug's heart to leap into his throat. Once again, happiness and terror vied for dominance inside Doug's troubled mind. _Not now Jack, please, not now!_ Doug thought frantically.   
  
"So call the cops," Doug snarled and then proceeded to utterly ignore Jack.   
  
Jack stared down at Doug. He looked tired and ragged but _Damn!_ thought Jack, _the facial hair makes him look sexy as hell._ Slowly Jack lowered himself to the sand. He sat close, but not too close to Doug and said, "Right. Well it's a nice night for a fire anyway." He rubbed his hands over the flames and grinned at Doug. When he got no response, he tried again, "So. Whatcha doing?"   
  
"Nothing," grunted Doug. He didn't understand what Jack was doing here. The last time they had seen each other, Jack had made it perfectly clear that he wanted nothing more to do with Doug. Jack wasn't afraid of anything and Doug knew that Jack would never be able to tolerate or comprehend the tight grip of fear that Doug was constantly battling against. Sometimes it seemed like each breath, each thought was struggle. _Jack could never understand that_ thought Doug.   
  
"You know Sheriff; it's uh, physically impossible to do nothing."   
  
"Ok, then Professor Literal, I'm staring."   
  
"Cool," said Jack making a big show of staring out at the water. "Mind if I join you."   
  
"Stare away," answered a reticent Doug.   
  
"Thanks." After a few minutes Jack turned his gaze and stared not at the water or the fire, but directly at Doug. Jack settled in and gave himself over to the pure, unadulterated joy of staring at Doug's handsome face and strong hands and broad shoulders…every bit of him was a delight to Jack's eyes.   
  
Feeling Jack's admiring gaze upon him unsettled Doug. "What are you doing?" he almost barked the question.   
  
"Nothing," teased Jack. He hoped that he could jolly Doug out of his sour mood and get him to open up a little. He smiled playfully at Doug, tilted his head slightly, and was aware that he was flirting - just a little bit.   
  
"Go home Jack," said Doug, slamming that door firmly shut.   
  
"I talked to Pacey."   
  
"Yeah?"   
  
"He told me about Boston…" Jack said unexpectedly. _Shit! Why did I bring this up? Why? My stupid mouth!_ Jack's thoughts raced berating and disparaging his inability to truly think before he spoke. "He what?!" exclaimed Doug.   
  
He started to jump up but Jack stopped him by grabbing his arm and saying, "He didn't mean to - he was a little drunk and it slipped out. He feels terrible about it."   
  
Defeated, Doug sank back into the sand and started shivering. Shivering that had nothing to do with the cold. "That's great. So you know. Wonderful. Really. And just think - five minutes ago I thought private humiliation was the worst of it. And now - lucky me - there's a whole new dimension of deep personal disgrace." Doug ran his hands through his hair and down across his face. He scrubbed angrily at the new growth of stubble there and growled, "I'm going to kill him,"   
  
"Yeah, Pacey is worried about that actually. Don't freak out ok? Your brother wasn't really too forthcoming with details. Really all I know is that you had a bad night at some dance club." Jack thoughtfully vagued up what little he knew, hoping it would settle Doug down a little and possibly save Pacey from the wrath of his brother. _Just don't think about Doug kissing someone who wasn't you_ Jack told himself.   
  
"A bad night? If only that's all it was…"   
  
"You want to tell me about it?"   
  
"Not really," Doug sneered peevishly. Jack just waited because he had a feeling that Doug did want to talk about it. "I made a fool out of myself. Can we just leave it at that?"   
  
"Sure. I guess. But Doug, just so you know, we all have our moments…things we want to take back."   
  
There was a long silence and for a moment Jack couldn't help but think about Ethan. He had wished for years that he could take that moment back and save himself that particular scar. The thought that Doug felt, right now, the way that Jack had felt then, broke Jack's heart a little. The first bumps and bruises were always the worst. And they took the longest to heal.   
  
"You know, I can't help but feel kind of responsible…"   
  
"How can you possibly be responsible for this?"   
  
"I pushed you…I…"   
  
"Look, you said it yourself - you didn't make me gay. And you were right Jack. You didn't make me gay. I've been gay for a long time. But you know what? You did make me want to be ok with being gay. The thing is, I don't have any idea how to be gay! Let alone how to be good or even just ok with it. I don't know how but I have to figure it out."   
  
"You don't have to do it alone." Tentatively Jack reached for Doug and took his hand - it was ice cold.   
  
Pulling his hand back as if it were burning, Doug yelled, "Yeah I do!" Doug took a deep breath and continued in a somewhat calmer tone of voice, "Jack, you woke something up inside me. And I'm grateful for that - it's something that I thought I was… lacking but… But you're not obligated to me. It's not your job to fix me."   
  
"I don't want to fix you Doug; I just want to help you…"   
  
"No." Doug's voice got harder, "I've got to be the one to help me! Don't you see that? I've got to figure this out on my own. I can't expect you to hold my hand and explain the ways of the world to me…"   
  
"What if I want to Doug?" whispered Jack. "What if I want to hold your hand," he reached for Doug again and finished, "and share this experience with you?"   
  
Doug jerked away and stood up. "Get away from me."   
  
Too hurt to be angry just yet, Jack tried again, "Doug…why are you acting like this?" He stood and looked Doug in the eye.   
  
Doug didn't falter. He didn't even blink. "Leave me alone Jack." He stared stony-faced at Jack and told himself that as long as Jack left, he'd be ok. He just had to keep it together until Jack left.   
  
"Doug… we're friends aren't we?" stammered Jack.   
  
"No. We aren't. You said it yourself. We're nothing. Nothing! And I don't want to be your pet project Jack." With that said, Doug turned his back to Jack, squatted down and started throwing sand on the fire.   
  
"Doug please…"   
  
Doug could hear the hurt in Jack's voice and it made the angry, inadequate part of him incredibly happy. He knew he was lashing out, taking out his frustration and hurt on Jack but in that moment, it seemed not only fair, but also so right. He wanted to hurt Jack so much that he never came back. Doug wanted to be alone now and forever.   
  
"Aren't you listening to me? Don't you get it? I don't want it! I don't! And I don't want you around making me feel like a failure! I don't want you!" The rage and bitterness spilled out of Doug in an angry, overwhelming flood.   
  
The silence that followed Doug's outburst was heavy and painful. Jack stared open mouthed at Doug. Doug stared furiously at the fire. There was no way he would back down now. Still, Jack just stood there.   
  
"Aren't you gone yet?" demanded Doug.   
  
Jack responded in a tight, bitter voice, "Fine. Have it your way."   
  
With that Jack turned and trudged away and, like Pacey earlier in the evening, he didn't once look back.   
  
Doug felt sick. He wasn't some dumb kid. He knew he was hurting Jack as a way of punishing himself. But the truth was, the potential that Jack represented was too much for Doug to handle right now. The struggle of wanting something so badly and not wanting to want it at the same time made Doug lash out. He wanted to destroy everything soft and tender and chaotic inside himself until all that was left was calm control. But knowing why he did it didn't make the pain and anger go away. All it did was add regret to the bitter of cocktail of emotions that he seemed to be living on these days.   
  
Doug finished putting out the fire. He stood up, brushed the sand from his pants and pulled his jacket tighter around his body. _I'll never be warm again_ he thought sadly as he looked out at the ocean. The inevitable pull of the tide drove the water high onto the sand then lured it back out again. Push. Pull. In. Out. Give. Take. The ocean didn't mind. And neither did the sand.   
  
_So many people live in my town  
And mind to my business but none of their own  
They're all so happy to hear now that I've done wrong  
I'm surprised they don't come up to thank me.  
  
So if you want moral advice,  
I suggest you just tuck it all away  
I'm in the mood to burn bridges  
Not in the mood to dig ditches  
Don't cross me on either a day...baby  
  
Don't make mistakes or be human  
They savor your every false move  
And the few that they hide - man that'll break  
If ever confronted with truth  
  
So if you want moral advice,  
I suggest you just tuck it all away  
I'm in the mood to burn bridges  
Not in the mood to dig ditches  
Don't cross me on either a day...baby   
  
From the well of their hearts spring a poison  
That mix with suspicion and reckless derision  
Something they read on a church toilet stall  
They think that their lives are much better  
Than mine on the soapbox and ladders stand tall   
  
So if you want moral advice,  
I suggest you just tuck it all away  
I'm in the mood to burn bridges  
Not in the mood to dig ditches  
Don't cross me on neither a day...baby   
  
I see those arrows in front of me.  
I hear you right behind me.  
Don't cross me on neither a day.   
  
-- The Mood to Burn Bridges  
By Neko Case  
_   
  


end part five

  
  



	6. Reaching Out, Reaching In

**Seek and Go Hide  
part six**   
  
The day after he had fought with Doug on the beach, Jack found himself wandering around the streets of Capeside. His mind was a jumble. He was angry. He was embarrassed. He was hurt. And on top of everything, he had left both his hat and his gloves at school. The cold November air had done a good job of making him feel numb. But he wouldn't stop until he could freeze his whirring brain and stop the onslaught of thoughts and recriminations. And so, he kept walking; past the gift shops, the hair salon, the bank, Leery's Fresh Fish - he didn't really see any of it. The town was so familiar it was all but invisible. _Jen was right. I can't do this. I can't hope things might be different someday. I have to live in the now…I gotta break the pattern of choosing people who can't give me 100% or 90% or even 70%…which is a low C. I deserve more than a low C don't I?_ His disturbing meditation was interrupted by the sudden appearance of Pacey.   
  
Pacey bounded up next to Jack and jostled him with his elbow and said, "Say Jack?"   
  
"Hey Pacey," Jack replied glumly as he kept walking.   
  
"When I told you to give Doug some time…" began Pacey, falling into step beside his obviously upset and distracted friend.   
  
"Yeah?" asked Jack, dreading what was coming next.   
  
"Was thirty minutes really the time frame you thought I had in mind?" joked Pacey kindly.   
  
"Talked to Doug did you?" Jack grimaced slightly. He hadn't exactly promised Pacey he wouldn't say anything to Doug but it had been implied. And on top of everything, Jack didn't like feeling like he had betrayed his old friend. Or at the very least, gotten him into hot water with his brother.   
  
"Talked to? No, try was lectured by."   
  
"Sorry man," mumbled Jack.   
  
Without missing a beat or pausing to acknowledge the apology, Pacey smoothly continued, "And as familiar as I am with the 'Doug Witter Lecture Experience' having been on the receiving end of them a number of times, I've never really been subjected to one quite that loud."   
  
"Sorry," Jack repeated.   
  
Pacey grinned, gestured to himself, and said, "But please do note: Not one bullet hole. So, let's call it a win. Wanna go see a movie?"   
  
Jack wasn't sure why he was surprised by Pacey's easygoing acceptance of the situation - it was typical Pacey behavior to be generous and forgiving of his friends after all. But Jack was taken aback and touched all the same. He smiled at Pacey and found he was a little choked up and didn't quite know what to say. He stammered a bit.   
  
Pacey returned the smile easily and teased, "I'm not asking you for a date McPhee - no need to get all worked up here. So, movie?"   
  
"Sure. What have you got in mind?"   
  
"Improbable escapist fantasy-horror with evil villains, clear plans of violent action, and catchphrase-filled dialogue sound good to you?" suggested Pacey.   
  
Jack laughed, "That's my favorite genre - you know that."   
  
"Well let's get a move on then. I hate to miss the previews."   
  
"Do you hurry home to watch commercials too?" inquired Jack; happy to have something to take his mind off the distressing and frustrating situation with Doug.   
  
The boys hustled down the street, toward the theatre, and out of the cold.   
  
----------------------------------   
  
As for Doug, his day wasn't going much better than Jack's. He was in turmoil. He wanted to apologize to Jack for lashing out at him so horribly. _But what can I say? 'You're right. I'm a jackass. Sorry 'bout that.' didn't really seem like it would do the job. _   
  
He had worked the early shift at the station and had to go back again tonight. _That's what I get for agreeing to something without really listening to what's being asked_ thought Doug grumpily. But truthfully, being busy helped keep his mind off things, which is why, between shifts, he had chosen to come over to his Mom's and help out with some chores around the house. After clearing the gutters, taking out the trash and sweeping the driveway, Doug fiddled around inside the house. He was cleaning out one of the many junk drawers in the kitchen when he decided that now was as good a time as any to talk to his Mom.   
  
He walked into the den where she was watching something loud and fractious on the TV. He stood in the doorway and said, "Mom, can I talk to you?"   
  
"Right now Dougie?" Mary asked without looking up from her show.   
  
"Well, yes. Unless you have something else you need to do…do you?" he asked pointedly.   
  
She sighed and muted the television but did not turn it off. "No. I guess not."   
  
Walking over to the worn sofa, Doug sat down and asked, "So can we talk?"   
  
"All right. Shoot," said Mary tearing her eyes from the screen for the first time and looking at her oldest son.   
  
Doug took a deep breath and unexpectedly, didn't know where to start. "Hmmmm, it's just…see…what I mean is…ummm"   
  
"Dougie is something wrong?" asked Mary, her motherly concern finally kicking in.   
  
"No nothing's wrong…"   
  
"Then spill it. You've puttering around this house all day and hardly said two words to me and now you want to "talk" but you aren't talking. Quite frankly it's driving me bananas!" she remarked in exasperation.   
  
"Ok, well. Let's see." Doug paused, searching for the words. He bit his lip and looked at the shag carpet.   
  
"Douglas!" she exclaimed.   
  
Steeling himself, Doug spit it out. "Uhmmm, the thing is Mom, well, I'm gay."   
  
Mary looked at him for a minute and then said, "Hasn't your brother been saying that for years?"   
  
"No Mom. I'm not joking," said Doug trying with all his might not to let the aggravation show in his voice.   
  
"Was Pacey joking? All this time? He's a character your brother." She turned her attention back to the television set.   
  
Doug waited. When she didn't say anything else, he couldn't help but ask, "So you're ok with…with what I just told you?"   
  
"Oh, well, if you're asking me - would I choose that lifestyle for you? Probably not - you're too sensitive! So touchy! But that's not something I get to choose honey. You do." She smiled at him and continued, "Dougie, I'm your mother. I just want you to be happy. Does being gay make you happy?"   
  
Flummoxed by his mother's assertion that he was too sensitive to be gay, he responded, "Well, not exactly. Not yet, but I think it will."   
  
"That's all that matters dear," and with that she un-muted the television and rejoined the screaming match already in progress. "Goodness some people are so tacky! Where do the talk shows find them? Do you want to stay for dinner? I'm making fish sticks, the flaky kind, and I have some leftover jello salad."   
  
No longer a fan of his mother's cooking style of defrost, heat, stir and serve, Doug was suddenly very glad he had to work that night. "Thanks but actually, I've got to get back to work."   
  
"Your father never worked as many late night shifts as you do. Are you working too hard?"   
  
"No Mom. Don't worry about me. If you need to fuss over a workaholic, go see Pacey - he could use it. So you're really not upset?"   
  
"About what?" she asked distractedly.   
  
"Me. Being, you know, gay." Doug couldn't believe she was being so blasé and nonjudgmental about the whole thing.   
  
"Well, no. Go…" she waved her hand dismissively, "be gay. Just use your common sense."   
  
"Right," Doug nodded slightly and squinted at his mother, wondering just whom this pod person was. _Use your common sense? That's her advice?_ He decided not to push his luck. He stood up and said, "Common sense. Got it. And Mom, don't mention it to anyone. I'm not ready for all of Capeside to know my business."   
  
"Doug," said Mary looking up at her son with sudden concern and care in her eyes.   
  
"Yeah?" answered Doug with some trepidation.   
  
"When did you grow a beard?"   
  
Shaking his head, Doug kissed his mother on the head and ignored her question saying, "Love you Mom. Talk to you later."   
  
Doug grabbed his coat and put it on when he got outside. He felt the cold night air rush into his lungs and fill him up. He felt strangely light. He felt like maybe he had done that right.   


_I am a one-way motorway  
I'm the one that drives away  
Then follows you back home  
I am a street light shining  
I'm a wild light blinding bright  
Burning off alone  
  
It's times like these you learn to live again  
It's times like these you give and give again  
It's times like these you learn to love again  
It's times like these time and time again  
  
I am a new day rising  
I'm a brand new sky  
To hang the stars upon tonight  
I am a little divided  
Do I stay or run away  
And leave it all behind?  
  
It's times like these you learn to live again  
It's times like these you give and give again  
It's times like these you learn to love again  
It's times like these time and time again   
  
-- Times Like These  
By Foo Fighters  
  
_

end part 6


	7. Heads Are A Science Apart

**Seek and Go Hide  
part seven**   
  
The phone rang insistently. Jack glanced at the caller ID and saw that it was Greg calling for a third time that night. He decided to let the call go to voicemail. It wasn't that he didn't want to talk to Greg; he just didn't want to talk to him right now. Odds were he just wanted to talk about the new operating system he had installed in one of his computers. How anyone could talk about computers like they were English literature or even football was beyond Jack. When they had started dating three weeks ago, _One week after that last fight with Doug_ Jack reminded himself, he had found the computer talk kind of endearing or so he told himself now. He thought maybe it was a nervous tick - a way to fill the awkward silences. But no, Greg really loved computers. Loved them they way most people loved their friends or their pets and that baffled Jack.   
  
Jack had met Greg one night at Mollye's Market Café; it was the kind of meeting that was full of promise.   
  
------------------------------   
  
Jack sat at his favorite table - the one by the window - and drank his coffee. The newspaper was spread in front of him but he couldn't really seem to focus on it for more than a few moments at a time. He was staring out the window wondering what he should get Jen for Christmas this year when a smooth voice interrupted his reverie.   
  
"Mind if I sit here?"   
  
Jack looked up to see a handsome, albeit somewhat short, blonde man in a navy blue parka smiling down at him. Jack glanced around the nearly empty café and heard himself say, "But there are plenty of empty tables…"   
  
"Where's the fun in that?" asked the stranger casually. "I mean if I'm intruding just say so, but to the untrained eye it looked like you were just staring out the window practicing your forlorn look."   
  
"I wasn't..." Jack began   
  
"So can I sit?" interrupted the man.   
  
"Sure. Why not?" replied Jack as he scrambled to get the newspaper out of the way.   
  
"My name's Greg by the way."   
  
"Jack."   
  
"Nice to meet you. You from here?"   
  
"The short answer is yes," answered Jack.   
  
"And the long answer?"   
  
"Is really boring. You aren't from Capeside I take it. So what brings you to our fair burg?"   
  
"Christmas shopping. My mom collects weird Christmas ornaments and I heard that Capeside had a good selection so I swung on over. I'm originally from Sandwich but I live in Hyannis now so I'm not really far. Nice little town you got here. What's your name again?"   
  
"Jack," he repeated wondering if maybe he was having coffee with a crazy person.   
  
"Jack right. Nice to meet you Jack. I know already said that but I'm supposed to repeat someone's name as soon as I meet them. I've got a memory thing when it comes to names. But ask me anything about Apple computers and I remember it all. Model. Year. Processor Speed. OS. Bugs. Code names. You name it. Some say it's a lack of priorities."   
  
"You work with computers?"   
  
"Yeah. I'm a network administrator and a hobbyist software designer. Also a general geek. What about you? What do you do?" asked Greg.   
  
"I'm a teacher here at Capeside High."   
  
"Really? My mom is a teacher. She teaches feminist poetry at Harvard. And she's a lesbian."   
  
"What? I mean really?" Jack tried to play it cool and failed miserably.   
  
"Yeah, she kind of famous for her lesbian feminist poetry gatherings."   
  
"Is it hard for you having a Mom…like that?"   
  
"Die hard feminist you mean? Naw, it's not too bad - though she's not much fun to take to the movies. She's always yapping about the sexual exploitation of young Hollywood and stuff like that. You get used to it. Or did you mean the lesbian thing?"   
  
"Actually, yeah, the lesbian thing was what I was getting at."   
  
"Well, she's been gay my whole life and then I've been gay almost my whole life so, really it's worked out pretty well," Greg shrugged and laughed a little.   
  
"You're gay?"   
  
"Uhmm, yeah." Greg said, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. "You too right?"   
  
"How did you..?" asked a genuinely puzzled Jack.   
  
"Please. Look at your coat and your bag - both too stylish to be anything but queer. See also: your haircut. Plus I'm pretty intuitive." Greg smiled and leaned in closer to Jack, "So are you seeing anybody?"   
  
"You're really forward," laughed Jack leaning back just a bit.   
  
"How sweet - you noticed! I just go after what interests me. Carpe diem. Life's too short. Grab the bull by the whatever. Eat your greens. Wait that last one isn't right…" Greg shook his head feigning confusion.   
  
"No," said Jack suddenly, "I'm not seeing anyone. Not at the moment."   
  
"Great. Want to go to dinner with me?"   
  
"When? Tonight?"   
  
"Why not? What have you got around here that's tasty, besides the high school teachers that is?"   
  
Jack and Greg did go to dinner that night. Greg was full of energy and could talk at length about most anything. _Though he does talk a lot about computers,_ thought Jack. Over the course of the meal, Greg made his interest in and attraction to Jack very obvious. Jack was flattered by the attention and affection. After all the awkward and uncomfortable time he had spent with Doug, being with Greg was a breath of fresh air.   
  
_So what if Greg doesn't make me tingle the way Doug does? And he's good-looking, maybe not Doug good-looking but Doug was maybe too handsome anyway._ Jack's thoughts quickly ran away from him, _but I never zone out when Doug talks about work. And Doug doesn't slurp his drink like that. And Doug's blue eyes, when he looks at me, I feel it in the tips of my fingers and down my spine…Stop it! Doug doesn't want anything to do with you. Greg does. Greg's a nice guy. He's perfectly nice. And he likes you. Snap out of it! _Jack forced himself to pay attention to what Greg was saying.   
  
"…What they don't seem to understand is that this is a huge jump. It's like when we went from OS 9 to OS X. I mean that was huge! But this is like ten thousand times bigger. And yeah there are problems. The refresh is slower than it should be…" Greg kept up his tirade, gesturing for effect and apparently enjoying himself quite a bit.   
  
_Well I guess I didn't miss anything_ thought Jack as he drank his wine and nodded. He hoped the look on his face conveyed both interest and understanding despite the fact that both were in short supply at the moment.   
  
When they left the restaurant a little while later, Jack was trying to decide his next move. Should he ask Greg over? Did he want Greg to come over? Did Greg want to come over? Stepping outside, Jack was shocked when he saw Doug directly across the street. Doug was putting a ticket on an old green Nova that was parked in front of a fire hydrant. Jack froze in his tracks and stared at Doug.   
  
"So Jack? Now what? Your place?" purred Greg his warm breath tickling Jack's ear.   
  
Seeing Doug turn, aware that Doug was about to see him and Greg standing there, Jack turned and smiled at Greg and said, "Sounds perfect." And then he bent down slightly and kissed Greg hard on his mouth. Greg responded by wrapping his hands around the back of Jack's neck and deepening the kiss. Jack felt his body responding even as his heart froze over. When he broke the kiss, he looked up and sure enough, saw Doug gaping at them from across the street. Jack's frozen heart gave a little shiver but Jack ignored it. Taking Greg's hand he said softly, "Come on…" and in his mind he finished the sentence _before I change my mind._   
  
------------------------   
  
That night, Jack and Greg began their relationship and it had continued, following more or less the same pattern over the next three weeks. They'd go out somewhere, have a pleasant time, go back to one of their places, have sex and then, who ever needed to drive home, did just that. They didn't talk about spending the night. They didn't use words like love. They didn't have big dramatic fights. It was what it was. And as time went by, Jack wasn't sure that it was what he really wanted.   
  
Jen encouraged Jack to take his relationship with Greg to the next level. Even though she hadn't yet met him, Jen was very pro-Greg. Or rather she was very anti-Doug. "Doug played with your emotions Jack. He's a heart-fucker. I have no patience for people who hurt others for sport. And you shouldn't either. You just need to let your guard down, and open yourself up and this thing with Greg will be great," said Jen during one of their regular phone calls.   
  
Jack tried to explain to her that he thought that there was more to it than hurt feelings and emotional walls but Jen just wouldn't hear of it. "Give him a real chance Jackers. For both your sakes."   
  
_Well, she'll meet Greg when we go up there for Christmas next week and then maybe she'll see understand,_ thought Jack.   
  
The whole situation was difficult for Jack because he really did like Greg. He was a good guy. Jack just didn't exactly trust his own motives for getting into this relationship. He knew he kissed Greg that night to hurt Doug. Would he have kissed Greg that night if Doug hadn't been there? Jack honestly didn't know - he might have. Or he might not have. And therein lay the crux of the situation. _Take Doug out of it - how do I feel?_ wondered Jack. He honestly just didn't know. And that didn't seem fair to Greg. Jen's words came back to him: _He's a heart-fucker. I have no patience for people who hurt others for sport._ Jack was afraid that this time the words were meant for him.   
  
-----------------------------   
  
Doug was running. Running fast. Running hard. He could feel the sweat run down his chest, his back, and his legs. He wiped his eyes as his vision blurred but he kept running. Arms and legs pumping, sand flying out from under his feet, Doug pushed himself harder. _A little farther. A little faster_ he told himself. He had a vague feeling that something or someone was behind him but he gave the idea almost no thought. His breathing was becoming ragged and he struggled to keep the pace he had set. _A little farther. A little faster._   
  
Suddenly Jack appeared beside him, running easily. Jack smiled at Doug and Doug felt his heart swell with happiness. He didn't know how Jack had found him here but he was delighted that he had. Doug opened his mouth to say something to Jack and found that he couldn't speak. His breathing was all wrong. He gasped and his gait faltered. Jack just kept smiling and running easily. He pulled ahead of Doug slightly and motioned for him to catch up. Doug tried, but it seemed the harder he tried, the further back he fell. The sand under his feet was so soft and viscous that he couldn't move very well. He stumbled and struggled but continued to fall further and further behind.   
  
Jack kept going. For a minute he turned around and ran backwards. He looked at Doug, still smiling kindly, and then he laughed a little and shook his head. He shrugged and gestured that he had to go. Jack turned back around and ran down the beach and away from Doug. Doug tried to call out but it was impossible - his lungs felt like they were collapsing. Jack got smaller and smaller and then was gone. Doug had never seen someone run that fast. Looking down, he realized he was almost knee deep in sand. He struggled in vain to extricate his legs from the clammy, gluey sand that seemed determined to draw him down into it. It was unbearable being trapped like this. He yanked and wrenched, desperate to free himself. Suddenly, he felt himself lose his balance. The sand came rushing up to his face as he toppled over. Scared, he felt the sticky, gritty, cold sand work its way into his mouth and down his throat. Panic overcame him then.   
  
Gasping and coughing, Doug awoke with a start. Not again. He sat up in his bed and switched on the lamp. He was sweating like crazy and he could still almost feel the sand in his throat. He shivered convulsively. He reached for the glass of water he now routinely kept by his bed and took a deep drink. He felt the claustrophobic waves of panic and fear begin to recede only to be replaced by misplaced adrenalin. He glanced at the clock. 4:37am._ The worst possible time_ thought Doug. _Too early to get up. Too late to go back to sleep. _   
  
Doug scrubbed his hands through his hair, pulled his knees to his chest and tried to shake the dream off. This was not the first time he'd had this dream. In fact this was probably the tenth or eleventh time he'd had it. But familiarity didn't make it any more pleasant. It didn't take a genius to interpret his dream and Doug felt he truly understood what it was his subconscious was trying to tell him. Quite frankly, he wished his subconscious would just shut the hell up and let him get a decent night sleep.   
  
Doug knew there would be no more sleep tonight however. He got up and shuffled into the kitchen. He clumsily filled the coffee pot and turned it on. In the past three weeks, Doug had grown extremely fond of and dependent on his coffee. He yawned and stretched as he watched the coffee maker do its thing. When it was finally finished, Doug poured himself a jumbo cup and headed into the living room. He sat on the couch and stared into space as he drank the still-too-hot-to-drink-really coffee. He felt the heat move through him and felt the caffeine hit his bloodstream and he started to perk up. _Is this dream going to haunt me for the rest of my life? _ Doug wondered a little bitterly. Ever since that night he had seen Jack kissing that guy, Doug had been having the dream every couple of days. The memory of that day still made him kind of queasy…   
  
-----------------------------   
  
Doug was at work and feeling better than he had in a while. He hummed a song under his breath as he did paperwork. He would be going out on patrol in an hour or so and he wanted to get this stuff done.   
  
"Excuse me Sheriff Witter?"   
  
"Yes? What can I do for you Marie?" Doug politely asked the receptionist.   
  
"This came in the mail for you. It looks personal so I didn't open it," said Marie as she laid a brightly colored envelope on his desk.   
  
Glancing at the handwriting on the envelope, Doug smiled and said, "Looks like it's from Gretchen. Thanks."   
  
"Your sister's in Maine now? What in the world is she doing there?" inquired Marie barely hiding her condescension. Gretchen's reputation as a flighty girl who routinely threw away good opportunities for bad ones was well known and well discussed around these parts.   
  
"Last I heard she was happily living her life," said Doug curtly. He wasn't about to add any grist to that particular mill. Marie got the picture and hurriedly went back to her desk. Opening the card, Doug couldn't help but wonder what the occasion was…when the glitter and confetti spilled out on to his desk and lap he thought maybe he knew - _Mom just can't keep her mouth shut…_ thought Doug indignantly.   
  
Sure enough the front of the card had a picture of a cartoon squirrel holding a rainbow flag in one hand and two acorns in the other. In big puffy orange letters it said: I knew you weren't nuts. Opening it, more glitter spilling out, he read the inside: Congratulations on Coming Out! in more puffy orange letters. Doug grimaced slightly at the tacky card and read the message Gretchen had scribbled inside. _Dougie,  
You might find this hard to believe, but there really aren't a lot of tasteful coming out cards on the market even these days - at least not here in Ellsworth. And I know you'll hate this one (a lot) but the squirrel's kinda cute dontcha think? He reminds me of Pacey. I mean look at those nuts! Ha ha ha. So I talked to Mom and she told me the big news - actually what she said was "You knew your brother was gay didn't you? Well guess what? Now he knows it too!" Leave it to our mother huh? Don't worry; I'll keep my "big mouth" shut until you tell me different. Yeah, I know you pretty well brother. And I'm really happy for you. All kidding aside, I know this is probably pretty rough for you so if you want to talk about it, give me a buzz. It's only fair after all, I mean, you coached my sorry ass through several difficult high school boyfriends and you were even pretty decent during the Dawson phase. (What was that anyway?!) I can be a shoulder or an ear or whatever body part you might need. Elbow? Kidney? Pinky toe? You name it; I've got your back. As for me, here's a news flash: Maine is freaking cold in the winter! Also I think I'm only one of 17 people left in the entire state. Which means I'm taking stir-crazy to a whole new level. Things are going well with Peter - if I haven't murdered him in his sleep by now, I think it's safe to say I'm not going to. Well, here's hoping anyway. I better run. Talk to you soon. Tell Pacey I said hello and all that sisterly stuff. Mom too - but put a daughterly spin on it.   
  
Love you,   
Gretch  
  
PS Go ahead and shred this card if it'll make you feel better. Xox_   
  
Doug laughed at the postscript and immediately dropped the card into the shredder near his desk. All in all, the family was taking this better than he was. He figured if his mom had told Gretchen then she had probably told Kerry as well. _Two less people for me to tell_ figured Doug. The thought didn't upset him - in fact he found himself feeling surprisingly chipper.   
  
Looking at his watch he realized he needed to go get the patrol car from Officer Willis and start his rounds. Humming again, Doug put on his jacket, his hat and headed out of his office. Catching speeders would be just the thing to sustain his cheerful mood.   
  
Sure enough, he was still in the same cheerful mood several hours later. He had spent the majority of his patrol time thinking about the situation with Jack and handing out warnings to the lead-footed citizens of Capeside.   
  
Doug had beaten himself up all week over his shabby treatment of Jack that night on the beach. He had wanted to apologize almost as soon as the words left his mouth but he hadn't been able to work up the nerve. With every day that passed, apologizing seemed that much more difficult. The truth was, Doug wanted to do more than apologize to Jack, he wanted to reach out to him and tell Jack how much he meant to him. He wanted to lay all his meager cards out on the table. He wanted to spill his guts.   
  
But wanting something and being able to actually do something about it were two entirely different things. Doug was an expert in that particular dichotomy. And yet today, he unexpectedly felt like he could do it. He felt like he had been tying himself up in knots over something, if not exactly silly, well then blown way out of proportion. He just had to do it. It was like pulling off a band-aid or eating octopus or bungee jumping - the more time you spent hesitating, the less likely it became that you'd be able to do it.   
  
So, he would just do it. He'd talk to Jack. He'd apologize. He'd say all the right things and Jack would understand and smile. Then Jack would look at him the way he had that night so long ago on the dock and Doug would feel the butterflies again. And this time Doug wouldn't stomp on them until they died a pitiful, painful death. This time, he'd do it right. He saw it so clearly in his mind that part of him felt like it had already happened.   
  
Having made the decision, Doug felt himself relax on a deep, almost cellular level. Muscles he didn't even know were tense began to unwind. It was as if his whole body had been holding its breath all week and had finally taken its first deep, cleansing breath. He felt so good, he decided to park the car and do a little foot patrol. He had about an hour and a half left to his shift and he hadn't written a single ticket. That wouldn't do. The joke back at the station was if you didn't write at least one ticket a shift then you were shirking your civic duty and denying the city of Capeside much needed funds. Especially this time of year, some joker would inevitably ask, "Was it a good night for the Christmas bonuses or what Sheriff?"   
  
As he walked down the sidewalk, Doug noticed how pretty everything looked in the cold night air. It was as if everything had developed a certain sparkle. Without exactly realizing it, Doug was seeing Capeside with hopeful eyes and that gave everything an idealistic patina.   
  
"Evening Sheriff," nodded Mrs. Garrison as she stopped to say, "I noticed a car parked in front of a hydrant two blocks up. An old green car - you know one of those ones that explode with no provocation what so ever. Right in front of the hydrant! Has the world gone mad?"   
  
"No madder than usual but thanks for the heads up Mrs. Garrison. I'll go check it out."   
  
"How's your mother dear? Are her corns any better? It's a shame about her feet. She used to have such dainty feet…" her voice trailed off as if lost in the memory of Mary Witter's once delicate feet.   
  
Bemused, Doug replied, "Uhm, yeah, much better -I think. I'll give her your regards."   
  
"Please do. Tell her I'll try and stop by next week if I'm not to busy with the Christmas Craft Fair and Pancake Breakfast - I'm the chairman this year and you would not believe…"   
  
Cutting her off smoothly, Doug said, "That's just wonderful. Well if you'll excuse me, I've got a ticket to write and a tow truck to call."   
  
"That's right!" Mrs. Garrison exclaimed as if she had somehow already forgotten. "You go get 'em! Show them that crime doesn't pay!"   
  
"Not tonight anyway Mrs. Garrison. Good luck with the fair," said Doug as he turned and began walking away, waving cheerfully as he went.   
  
"Thank you dear. Have a good night."   
  
Sure enough three (not two) blocks up, a dilapidated old Chevy Nova was completely blocking the fire hydrant. Taking out his ticket pad, Doug began writing down the necessary information: license plate, make, model, location, etc. It didn't take long; soon the citation was completely filled out. Doug placed it under the windshield wiper and looked up. A movement from across the street caught his eye - two men were kissing intensely on the sidewalk in front of the restaurant. Surprised by their audacity, even a little excited by it, Doug kept watching. _I'm not staring,_ Doug told himself as he stared at the passionate couple.   
  
When the two men pulled apart, Doug realized that one of the men, the taller one, was Jack. _Jack? His Jack?_ He felt his jaw drop and his stomach damn near implode. _This isn't happening. It can't be happening. I had a plan…_   
  
For a brief, interminable moment Doug and Jack stared at each other. _How could you?_ pleaded Doug. _You did this_ Jack's handsome face seemed to say. _Tough luck. _Mentally Doug beseeched, _Don't do this Jack. Let me try…_   
  
But Jack just turned away, took the stranger's hand and walked boldly up the street leaving Doug behind. Still Doug stood there. _Come back!_ He felt all the hope and confidence of earlier in the evening evaporate in an instant. He felt frozen solid. His brain refused to function and his hand shook as he put his pen back in his pocket. _This isn't happening. Too late. Too late. I'm too late. This isn't happening. Too late. _   
  
Doug wasn't sure how he finished his shift that night but somehow he did. By the time he got home, the shock had worn off and was replaced by jealousy and anger. He kept seeing the kiss in his head. _It should have been me. It'll never be me._ He felt completely betrayed and powerless. It wasn't rational but he didn't care - he was beyond reason. Besides, hadn't being rational gotten him into this mess in the first place? He'd been careful and cautious and it had gotten him disqualified from the race before it even stated. _It should have been me. It'll never be me. _Doug tried to stop the shaking that seemed to have taken control of him but it was no use. His body was wracked with tremors but no matter what, he absolutely would not let himself cry. He fell into bed and prayed for sleep. Eventually, it came.   
  
-----------------------------   
  
That night he had had the running dream for the first time. When he woke up, he was in serious, physical pain from the choking and his face was soaked with sweat and the tears that he was determined to hold in while awake. On subsequent dream nights, there was less physical pain but the desperation, panic and frustration never lessened. It was as if his heart couldn't come to grips with the fact that he had missed his chance with Jack and so his mind had to keep replaying the devastating footage over and over in hopes of getting through. Like terrible news on CNN, you thought you couldn't watch it again and yet you did, again and again.   
  
As surely as Jack ran away from Doug in the dream, he broke Doug's heart that night. Jack was gone. Doug was alone. And that was just how it was now.  
  
  
_Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry  
You don't know how lovely you are  
I had to find you  
Tell you I need you  
Tell you I set you apart  
  
Tell me your secrets  
And ask me your questions  
Oh let's go back to the start  
  
Running in circles  
Coming in tales  
Heads are a science apart  
  
Nobody said it was easy  
It's such a shame for us to part  
Nobody said it was easy  
No one ever said it would be this hard  
  
Oh take me back to the start  
  
I was just guessing  
At numbers and figures  
Pulling your puzzles apart  
  
Questions of science  
Science and progress  
Do not speak as loud as my heart  
  
Tell me you love me  
Come back and haunt me  
Oh and I rush to the start  
  
Running in circles  
Chasing tails  
And coming back as we are  
  
Nobody said it was easy  
Oh it's such a shame for us to part  
Nobody said it was easy  
No one ever said it would be so hard  
  
I'm going back to the start  
-- The Scientist  
By Coldplay_   
  
****

end part seven

  
  



	8. Clean Slates and Inspirational Chutney

**Seek and Go Hide  
part eight  
**   
"So are you coming or not?"  
  
Stopping short and looking up from the file he had been flipping through as he walked down the hall, Doug was surprised to find Pacey in his office. With his feet on Doug's desk.  
  
"Feet!"  
  
Feigning confusion, Pacey leaned back in Doug's chair and put his hands behind his head. Grinning from ear to ear, he said, "I'm sorry? I'm not following your logic - what kind of answer is feet?"  
  
Swatting at Pacey's feet with the file folder he had been intently reading only a moment ago, Doug reiterated, "Feet. Get your feet off my desk! Now!"  
  
Relenting, Pacey cheerfully removed his feet from the desk but said; "Don't tell me you never sit in here with your feet up and lord over all the deputies..."  
  
"I think you've confused me with the Mayor and my deputies with the city council."  
  
"Ah, right you are. Well maybe someday huh?"  
  
"You're mighty chipper today. Get out of my chair."  
  
"Well why shouldn't I be?" answered Pacey as he got up and walked around to the other side of the desk. Sitting back down he continued, "The holidays are 80% over, I've got a bunch of new underwear and a rockin' party planned for tomorrow night. Which brings me back to my question: Are you coming or not?"  
  
"It depends. Will you be wearing your new underwear?" joked Doug.  
  
Unphased, Pacey replied, "The odds are good. So you're coming then?  
  
"I don't know Pacey. I'm not really in a party mood..."  
  
"It's a New Year's Eve party Dougie - mood is irrelevant. You weren't in the mood for Christmas either and look how good that turned out. For a Witter family Christmas that is. Flood and fire but no pestilence this year."  
  
"Those kids are crazy."  
  
"You're their Uncle."  
  
"So are you."  
  
"Let's not turn this into a war of words Sheriff Semantics. And nice attempt at the subject change. So you're coming?"  
  
"I don't know." Doug shifted in his seat looking as uncertain and indecisive as Pacey had ever seen him. "I'm completely ambivalent. And I have nothing to wear."  
  
"If you don't care then you should come."  
  
"I didn't say I didn't care. I said I was ambivalent."  
  
"Tomato, potato. You're coming."  
  
"Everyone thinks ambivalent means you don't care but it actually means you are caught between opposing feelings or opinions. It's the opposite of not caring. It's like when people use the word careen but what they really mean is career. Career means to rush at full speed while careen means to tilt or lurch..." Doug rambled good-naturedly in hopes of permanently changing the subject.  
  
"You are making me so sorry that I bought you that vocabulary trivia page-a-day calendar for Christmas," said Pacey shaking his head sadly.  
  
"Don't be - I spend a good part of every day apotheosizing it."  
  
"Well that sounds kinky but whatever floats your boat man."  
  
"It means..."  
  
"I so don't care - I am one hundred percent un-ambivalent. No more fifty-cent words or I'll tell Jack that you're pining for him."  
  
"Ok. Ok. Truce," said Doug hurriedly. Even just the mention of Jack's name flustered him these days. He had spent the last couple of weeks kicking himself and trying to come to grips with the fact that Jack had a boyfriend now. Pacey had been very supportive but he kept bugging Doug to talk to Jack - to tell him how he felt. That just wasn't an option. Whatever had possessed him to think he could open himself and his heart up to Jack had utterly deserted him the night he saw Jack and That Guy kissing on the sidewalk. _That Guy_ thought Doug, _his name is Greg and I know it_. But Doug preferred to think of him as "That Guy". Doug hated the thought of Jack being with Greg but thinking of Jack and That Guy - well that sounded like a sitcom. A sitcom Doug could ignore. A sitcom couldn't touch him. A sitcom didn't hurt - not as much. Jack and That Guy.  
  
"So I'll see you at 8:00pm or so. Sound good?" Pacey's questions interrupted Doug's reverie.  
  
"Pace..."  
  
"Look, I'm not letting you sit at home alone on New Year's Eve. It's part of my new New Year's resolution."  
  
"Which is?" Doug couldn't help but ask.  
  
"To be more like Mother Theresa," quipped Pacey as he piously folded his hands and bowed his head as if in prayer.  
  
"Was she known for dragging people to events they don't want to attend?"  
  
"That and making a really good chutney."   
  
"You're hilarious. Truly, a one man laugh riot," said Doug.  
  
"You think I'm kidding? Wait 'til you try the chutney at the party tomorrow night."  
  
'Will Jack be there?" asked Doug quietly.  
  
"Yes," answered Pacey truthfully. "And so will Greg, sorry I mean That Guy. And Jen. And a lot of other people."  
  
Doug didn't say anything instead he just sighed and stared solemnly at his hands.  
  
"You have to quit avoiding him. Tell him how you feel or don't. It's your call. But quit avoiding him. It's not feasible in a town the size of Capeside. And it's not fair to Jack."  
  
"Not fair to Jack..?" Doug glared up at Pacey unable to believe what he had just heard.  
  
Pacey met Doug's eyes and stared right back at his stubborn brother. "It's not and you know it. Suck it up. You can't hide forever."  
  
"You're right."  
  
"Damn right I'm right. 'Bout time you admitted it," smirked Pacey.  
  
"You're not right about everything!"  
  
"Most things."  
  
"This one thing," countered Doug.  
  
"Several dozen things I think," contradicted Pacey easily.  
  
"Possibly right about three or four things but certainly right about less than seven things."  
  
"Excuse me Sheriff?" interrupted Marie the bantering brothers with a concerned look on her pale face.  
  
"Yes Marie?"  
  
"Officer Willis radioed in and asked me to come get you. Seems he's having some trouble..." her voice trailed off and she chewed worriedly on her lower lip.  
  
"What kind of trouble?" asked a suddenly alarmed Doug.  
  
"Well, he...he can't seem to...seem to locate his...his gun. He thinks maybe the Granger boy stole it or that he left it at the Marina. Possibly. He's not sure." Marie stood there looking as if she feared an explosion.  
  
"You're kidding? No, of course you aren't kidding. Where is he?" Standing up, Doug grabbed his coat and put it on.  
  
"He's over on 3rd and Water."  
  
"Tell him I'll be right there. And call up Tanya Granger and see if she knows where Cliff is right now."  
  
"Right away Sheriff." She hurried back to her desk.  
  
"I've gotta go Pacey. Duty calls," said Doug grimly. "But I'll see you tomorrow at the party," he grudgingly added. "Marie?" Doug hollered, "Did you get Tanya Granger yet?"  
  
"There was no answer," came the reply form down the hall.  
  
"Damn, damn," Doug swore softly as he walked out his office and down the hall. "Keep trying and radio me when you get her," he said as he passed Marie at the front desk. She just nodded and bit her lip some more.  
  
Pacey smiled fondly at his brother. Doug had gone from self-conscious nervous wreck to wholly capable, all-business Sheriff Witter in less than a second.  
  
"You think Cliff Granger pinched it?" asked Pacey as he followed Doug out into the parking lot. "I thought he stuck to minor pranks and spray paint."  
  
"So far he has but he and Bill had a run in the other day..." Doug gritted his teeth. "Hopefully the gun is under the seat in Bill's cruiser like it was last time."  
  
"Well good luck with that. I know you love a game of Hide and Gun Seek. See you tomorrow." With that, Pacey gave Doug a thumbs up and turned and walked back toward the Ice House. He was pleased that he had convinced Doug to come to the party and more than a little surprised it had been relatively easy.  
  
Getting Jack to agree to come had been a piece of cake. Pacey merely mentioned the party one night when Jack and Greg were at the Ice House together. "You'll be here right?" he had asked. Greg loved the idea and so Jack had had no choice but to agree. Later he had given Pacey an earful but Jack was committed and that was all that mattered to Pacey.  
  
Pacey was tired of being caught in the middle between the two men - both of whom pretended but failed to convince him that there was nothing between them. Doug was sure he had missed his chance with Jack. And Jack for his part, was sure Doug didn't want anything to do with him. No matter what happened, at least the impasse between them would be a thing of the past.   
  
  
-----------------------  
  
  
The party was in full swing by the time Jack and Greg arrived. The place was packed and full of laughter and music. Jack scanned the crowd quickly to see who was there. He saw that Pacey was behind the bar telling jokes and serving up his famously strong martinis and pouring glass after glass of champagne.   
  
"I told you we should have gotten here sooner," said Greg in Jack's ear. "Looks like we're missing all the fun." He ran his hand down Jack's back and lingered at his ass.  
  
Stepping away from the grope and ignoring the complaint, Jack continued to scrutinize the room. Pacey had told him to look for a surprise guest and he was curious to find out who it was. Suddenly his eyes lit up and a smile spread across his face, "Hey! There's Jen! Let's go." Jack hurried across the room without waiting for Greg's response.  
  
"Jen. Great. By all means, let's hang out with the bitter pregnant lady. All night long. Pretty please?" groused Greg to no one in particular. He frowned peevishly and instead of following Jack, he headed to the bar.  
  
Jack meanwhile had reached Jen and without hesitation pulled her into a big hug and swung her around saying, "You're here! I'm so glad!"  
  
Laughing, Jen wrapped her arms around Jack's neck and kissed him repeatedly all over his face. "Hi sweetheart! Happy New Year! Now set me down before I throw up!"  
  
"I can't believe you're here! You said you couldn't come! You said you had to work. And a doctor's appointment! You lied to me!"  
  
"Lying is often a integral element when surprising someone. Surprise!" Jen threw her arms up in the air and gave Jack her most dazzling smile.  
  
Unable to resist, Jack scooped Jen up in another hug and said, "But I hate surprises!"  
  
"I know, but you love me!"  
  
"That's true. Lucky for you!"  
  
"Lucky for me," Jen agreed. Extracting herself from Jack's hug, Jen took a step back and looked at him. Tenderly she pushed his hair off his forehead and said, "Look at you. You're all fancy."  
  
Indeed Jack was more dressed up than usual. He wore a pair of extremely well fitting, charcoal gray wool slacks, a black and silver belt, black leather shoes and a red shirt with silky soft sheen. The shirt was open at the neck and showed off his unseasonable tan. Jack had looked good when he left the house earlier that evening but seeing Jen had transformed him from good looking to gorgeous. His happiness radiated off him in waves and now, with his eyes shining and the laughter bubbling out of him, he looked totally fantastic.   
  
"Saint Bart's agreed with you! Or is that bronzer?" exclaimed Jen.  
  
"Forget about me! Look at you! Beautiful as always." Placing his hand softly on her stomach, Jack bent down and whispered, "Hello baby. Hello. Happy New Year! Your Uncle Jack loves you."   
  
"What are you saying to her? Speak up - I can't hear you! No secrets from Mommy!" demanded Jen.  
  
Straightening up, he said, "Shouldn't you be showing more? You're still tiny! Wait! Did you just say her?"  
  
"Did I?" Jen paused coyly, "I did."  
  
"I thought you were going to wait and be surprised?"  
  
"I hate surprises - you know that!" Laughing, Jen relented, "What can I say? I cracked under the pressure. I was shopping and saw this cute little sundress and I just had to know. So I called my doctor and asked. She made me beg a little to make sure I was serious but then she told me - I'm having a girl!"  
  
Once again, Jen found herself enveloped in a hug. She clung tightly to Jack and savored the moment.  
  
"That's terrific! I bet she looks just like you!"  
  
The two friends continued to laugh and catch up. Jack didn't give a thought to Greg until Jen asked if he was here alone.   
  
"Did you dump Greg?" Jen asked hopefully.  
  
"No - he's here somewhere," said Jack turning to look for him. Spotting him at the bar, Jack turned back to Jen and inquired, "Do you think I should dump him?"  
  
"No. No. Far be it from me to..."  
  
Jack interrupted her, "You think he's boring..."  
  
"Well, yeah. But whatever. He's good in the sack right?" shrugged Jen.  
  
"Yeah. Yeah he is..." Jack's voice trailed off.  
  
Overhearing the last part of the conversation, Pacey came striding over, all good humor and bravado. Handing Jack a drink he said, "You're talking about me right? Don't be embarrassed! Go ahead and sing praises of my prowess."  
  
"Pacey, how would I know if you were good in bed?" laughed Jack good-naturedly.  
  
"Oh right!" Pacey nodded conspiratorially and winked broadly, "We've never slept together. Right!" Motioning broadly, Pacey made some crude gestures that belied his words.  
  
"This is how rumors get started," lectured Jack in a mock serious tone.   
  
"Ah, I'm not worried - my reputation with the ladies proceeds me," said Pacey as he wrapped an arm around Jen and gave her an affectionate squeeze.  
  
Snuggling in, Jen said huskily, "Ummm. You smell so good."  
  
Grinning from ear to ear, Pacey boasted, "You see? My charms are legend!"  
  
"Is it chicken?" murmured Jen, inhaling deeply. "I'm starving."  
  
All three of the friends burst out laughing. They kept it up until tears were running down their faces. Every once in awhile, when it seemed they were going to be able to get themselves under control, one of them would burst out with "Legend of the Sexy Chicken" or "Don Juan De Pollo" or some other equally stupid but hilarious remark. None of them had laughed so hard in a long, long time and it felt good.  
  
When Greg came up and asked what was so funny, not one of them could really explain it.  
  
-----------------------  
  
Doug stood nervously in front of the mirror wondering if he should shave. He didn't really want to but it would take him a longer to get ready if he did shave and that meant he could be even later for the party. Glancing at the clock he saw that it was almost 9:00. Pacey had expected him around 8:00 and Doug knew that if he didn't get to the Ice House soon, Pacey would probably come looking for him. Or so Pacey had threatened via the answering machine about twenty minutes ago.   
  
No, he wouldn't shave. He liked the beard - it made him feel protected somehow. _So I'm ready to go,_ thought Doug as he looked at his outfit. He wasn't sure about the shirt - it was a nice blue color that brought out his eyes, or so the salesgirl had said, but it was made of some sort of ultra-suede or something. Whatever it was, it was very soft. Doug had liked the softness in the store but now he wondered if maybe it wasn't a little too gay. _Shirts aren't gay!_ Doug reminded himself as he decisively tucked the soft, blue shirt into the waist of his black pants.   
  
_Time to go!_ Switching off his stereo and grabbing his coat, Doug headed out the door and toward the party. _I should have had a drink before I left..._  
  
--------------  
  
  
Jack stood shivering out on the deck of the Ice House. Inside the party was going full tilt but Jack had needed a minute to catch his breath. He and Greg were having a battle of wills tonight. They weren't fighting - they never fought - rather they kept skirmishing. Saying one thing when they meant another, flinging pointed little barbs at one another and stuff like that. It was exhausting. Jack would rather just get it out in the open but now wasn't really the time.   
  
So here he was. Staring into the cold night. 2006 had not been an easy year and he hoped with all his might that 2007 would be better. It had to be. After all, Jen would be having the baby in about three and a half months and that was bound to be a very good thing. Grams' cancer seemed to be under control. School was going pretty well. Andie's fellowship had been picked up. 2007 looked promising from here. _If only Doug would..._ Jack's thought was interrupted by the approach of a shadowy figure, a figure that turned out to be Doug. Surprised, Jack tried to conceal his astonishment. He hadn't thought Doug would be here tonight.   
  
"Hey Doug," said Jack quietly as Doug stepped onto the porch.  
  
"Jack? Hi. Um, why are you out here? Is something wrong?" Doug did his best to be cool. His heart was racing. Jack looked amazing  
  
"No. Nope. Just getting some air."  
  
"Oh." The two men stared at each other, neither sure what to say or do.  
  
"You can go on in," said Jack. "No need to stay out here with me."  
  
"No. I mean. I'd like to stay here. For a minute. If that's ok."  
  
"Whatever dude." Jack sat down on the steps and looked up at Doug.  
  
"Um, the thing is..." Doug sat down on the step next to Jack, careful not to crowd him. "The thing is...I'm sorry." Just saying the words "I'm sorry" was such a huge relief that Doug felt like he could float away.  
  
Jack didn't say anything so Doug continued, "I'm sorry that I've been such...such an ass. I was really unfair to you. And mean. I know that. Also, you may not have noticed but I've kind of been avoiding you..."  
  
"Oh, I noticed," said Jack.   
  
"Yeah, well I'm sorry about that too. I'm sorry about a lot of things," said Doug thinking specifically about That Guy. There was a long quite moment that stretched on and on.  
  
"I'm glad you're sorry."  
  
"Well, that's something I guess." There was another pause and then Doug said "Well I guess I'll leave you alone..."   
  
"Don't," interrupted Jack.   
  
"Ok."   
  
The two men sat in companionable silence for a few minutes. Then Jack said, "I'm glad you came tonight. I didn't think you would."  
  
Smiling, Doug admitted, "Well, Pacey didn't give me a lot of choice. But I'm glad I came too. You look really great."  
  
Stunned, Jack glanced at Doug and smiled when he saw the look of panic on Doug's face. _He hadn't planned to say that!_ The thought filled Jack with glee but he played it off. "Thanks. It's the tan - I spent a week in Saint Bart's over Christmas. It was nice." Jack made a point to leave out the fact that he had spent the week with Greg. "How was your Christmas?"  
  
"It was no tropical vacation but it was ok. My sister Kerry, her kids are...well they're insane, Ritalin deprived, little monsters. They flooded two bathrooms - twice. And set fire to a canoe. Even Pacey was overwhelmed by the carnage. And they were only here for three days. Three very long days."  
  
"Did they stay with you?" chuckled Jack.   
  
"God no!" blurted out Doug. "They stayed at my Mom's place but I was out there the whole time to play man of the house. For all the good it did."  
  
"Well, it sounds fun."  
  
"Then I'm telling it wrong." Jack and Doug laughed together and felt a glimmer of the easy camaraderie that used to exist so naturally between them. Hearing the door to the Ice House open, Jack turned and saw Jen walking out onto the deck.  
  
"Jack? What are you doing out here?" Stopping short, Jen's tone changed from friendly and curious to guarded and aloof in an instant, "Hello, Sheriff Witter."  
  
"Jen Lindley!" exclaimed Doug as he stood up quickly, guilt written all over his handsome face. "I didn't know you were in town." _Except I did...why did I say that?_ Doug wondered.  
  
Looking back and forth at the two men with a slightly puzzled expression, Jen replied, "It was a little surprise your brother and I cooked up for Jack." With that, Jen dismissed Doug and turned all her attention to Jack. "Jack, are you coming in?" She extended her hand out to Jack. Jen did her best to give Doug the deep freeze, and her best was damn effective. Jen didn't know what Doug and Jack were up to out here, alone, in the dark, on New Year's Eve, but she didn't like it. Doug had done enough damage to Jack. If she had anything to say about it, he wouldn't be doing any more.  
  
"Yeah, we should go in," agreed Jack as he took her hand and stood up. Doug opened the door and held it graciously for them. Jen swept through imperiously; Jack trailed right behind looking a little sheepish. Doug ran a hand nervously through his hair and then followed them inside.  
  
  
-----------------------  
  
By all standard measures, the party was a huge success. There was much laughter and drinking. There was even some dancing. Pacey stood behind the bar and enjoyed the momentary lull. He saw Jack and Jen sitting at one of the small tables, their heads together, completely absorbed in one another and whatever it was they were talking about.  
  
And there was Doug, talking to Dawson's mom and looking like he'd rather be anywhere else. Every so often, Doug would glance over at Jen and Jack and the look on his face would shift from politely interested to wistful. _I should go save him,_ thought Pacey reluctantly.  
  
When he saw the aggressive redhead whose name was...? Yeah, he had already forgotten, and she was making a beeline right for him, Pacey shifted from reluctant to enthusiastic. "Hey Seth! Your turn to man the bar," said Pacey as he dropped the bar rag he had been fiddling with and headed over to Doug and Gale.  
"Gale! I'm so glad you could make it," Pacey greeted Gale with a light kiss on the cheek. Then he turned to his brother and said, "'Bout time you got here."  
  
"I've been here for a while," grumbled Doug.  
  
"Pacey, the place looks great! And the food is excellent. Tell me, should I be worried about the future of Leery's Fresh Fish?"  
  
"I could never compete with you and Bodie, Gale. I know my place. Anyway, I think the town is big enough for the both of us don't you?" asked Pacey in his typical charming manner.  
  
Gale laughed, "Oh you sweet boy! I was just telling Doug about Dawson and how great he's doing out in California. Did you hear that he might be getting his own show? Everyone tells me that it's just unbelievably lucky how well Dawson is doing but I tell them that it's not luck - he's just very, very talented and even Hollywood can't ignore that. Well, you know..."  
  
Pacey gritted his teeth behind his tight-lipped smile and looked at Doug. Doug just cocked an eyebrow at him. _Great. Now we're both trapped here!_  
  
-----------------------  
  
Huddled over the small table, Jack and Jen bantered back and forth while Jen picked at the remains of the chicken and other food on her plate.   
  
"Did you try this chutney? It's amazing!" she asked Jack.  
  
"I think it is part of Pacey's New Year's resolution," replied Jack.  
  
"Better living through chutney?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"He's a clever, clever man," said Jen brightly. She returned to their earlier topic, "So he said he was sorry - big whoop. I thought you didn't care."  
  
"Of course I care. You know I care," said Jack indignantly. "Since when is caring a crime?"  
  
"It's not a crime. It's just not a shrewd move." Jen was deeply concerned about Jack. No one really understood their relationship but Jack meant more to her than just about anyone. She needed to hold him together so that her could hold her together. That way, they would both be safe.   
  
"Shrewd is out." Jack scoffed, "So very out."  
  
"Says who?" asked Jen flippantly.   
  
"The Shaw Report," retorted Jack without missing a beat.  
  
"You're going to take advice from Entertainment Weekly instead of your best friend in the whole wide world?"  
  
"Entertainment Weekly has really been there for me this past year. You don't know. EW understands me," Jack pretended to be choked up and sniffed for comic effect.  
  
"If shrewd is out, then what's in?"  
  
"Well, shrewd is out, sensible is five minutes ago, and so, if I remember right, sincere is in."  
  
"Perfect," said Jen without one ounce of sincerity. "Are you telling me that I'm 'out'? That won't last. I was born to be in. He keeps looking over here you know..." she said gesturing with her head to the other side of the restaurant.  
  
"He does not. Really?" Jack couldn't keep the eagerness out of his voice.  
  
"Oh, sincerely," said Jen with ultra-sarcastic emphasis.  
  
"Where is he?" asked Jack as he turned slowly and he hoped, naturally, in his chair.  
  
"He and Pacey are talking to Gale and those other people over by the window."  
  
Jack took a moment to watch Doug. He was so very handsome. He seemed taller. _Maybe I've just adjusted to Greg,_ Jack realized. Just then, Doug looked over in Jack's direction and Jack felt himself start as if he had been caught doing something naughty. Smiling politely, albeit awkwardly, Jack gave Doug a little wave and tried to play it off. _Just happened to be looking in your direction, not staring or ogling or anything, just an ocular coincidence_...Jack thought somewhat frantically.  
  
But Doug wasn't going to settle for polite glimpses. He signaled desperately with his eyes, _get me outta here. Please?_ His optical SOS flashed briefly and then he turned his attention back to the group.  
  
Jack chuckled and said, "He wasn't looking over here...well he was, but only because he needs rescuing from Gale and the gang."  
  
Jen couldn't help but roll her eyes, "Right Jack, I'm sure that's it."  
  
"You know, all that sarcasm can't be good for the baby," Jack expertly needled his friend.  
  
"You keep this up and her first words are going to be 'Oh puh-lease'. So, we shall we deploy a search and rescue for Pacey and Doug or what?"  
  
"We probably should," said Jack as he reached for Jen's hand.  
  
"Now remember, this is Gale Leery, she can be very tricky, we'll have to stay on our toes. She's immune to subtlety - which may be where Dawson's gets it now that I think of it..." Jen rambled softly as they crossed the room. "Never underestimate her small talk skills. She's like a highly trained sniper. We're in, we're out, or we're dead."  
  
-----------------------  
  
Doug and Pacey were firmly ensnared in Gale's web of chitchat. She had introduced them to her new boyfriend and several other friends had joined them. She had even turned them on themselves - they were their own worst enemy in this chatter battle. Pacey had just finished sharing the details of his chutney recipe and the bold inspiration behind it when Gale set her sights on Doug.  
  
"So Doug, what's this I hear about some crazy man down at Saint John's on Christmas Eve? I heard he was menacing carolers...do tell..." Gale asked, her eyes wide at the thought of holiday danger and intrigue.  
  
"Menacing? Not exactly," said Doug. "On older gentleman, I'd rather not say who, had had a little too much to drink and paid a visit to the church. A group of carolers returned at about the same time and when they got back, they decided to sing one more song - just for the fun of it. They sang "O Holy Night" if I'm not mistaken, and the man became...let's say, emotional. He got a little upset and wanted someone to give him a hug. But since no one knew who he was and because he stank of alcohol, the carolers were...reluctant," Doug chose his words carefully and for humorous effect. The small group was captivated. Which just goes to show how fundamentally boring Capeside really is, thought Doug as he quickly looked over at Jack and Jen. "At that point the man got a little aggressive, and started shouting about Jesus and the lepers and how the carolers could take a page or two out of that book. I arrived on the scene in time to hear him saying 'They call it the Bible for a reason you know!' I interceded and tried to calm the man down. He kept heckling the carolers, calling them uncharitable, wicked, and off-key. I think the 'off-key' remark cut the deepest; the carolers kept badgering the man. Someone asked him why he wanted to ruin Christmas and he started to cry again. I sent everyone inside in an effort to get the situation under control. Once the carolers were gone, the man stopped crying - it turned out he had been faking the tears. I asked him if he was at Saint John's for any particular reason, like had he come down to go to 10:00 mass? That's when he said, 'Afraid not son. I'm pretty sure Christmas Eve mass at Saint John's is BYOB and I'm tapped out."   
  
Everyone burst out laughing. Doug just smiled. He didn't tell them that his equally drunk wife had locked the man out of his house and that he had ended up spending Christmas Eve at the police station. Or that the next morning, the man had had no recollection at all of the night before. Doug let them have the punch line and kept the sad reality to himself.  
  
"Tell us another one," enthused one of the ladies in the group.  
  
"It's not really a joke," said Doug sternly, "It's my job."  
  
"Well you just must laugh and laugh all day long!" cooed the woman.  
  
"Gale! Hi!" Jen gushed and giggled as she slipped into the middle of the coterie and gave Gale a fast hug, "It's so good to see you! I love your hair. I'm sorry to interrupt, but they need Pacey and Doug back in the kitchen - some kind of emergency I think."  
  
"Certainly dear, but before you run off, tell me, how's the pregnancy going?" asked Gale eagerly.  
  
Recognizing a trap when she heard one, Jen took out the big guns and said with a perfectly straight face, "It's going fine but I might have to put the baby up for adoption."  
  
Gale gasped, "Oh, I'm so sorry. Forgive me for asking."  
  
"But only if she turns out to be a Republican. It's too early to tell right now." Jen took a split second to enjoy the scandalized looks on their faces then said, "Ok, we gotta go, I'll talk to you later Gale! Come on guys."  
  
With that, they hustled off toward the kitchen doing everything they could not to explode with laughter. From behind her, Jen heard Gale say, "I'm sure she was just kidding."  
  
  
-----------------------  
  
"That was masterful Jen!" exclaimed Jack as he jumped up to sit on the counter.  
  
"Truly," agreed Pacey as pulled himself up next to Jack, "Your charms are legend."   
  
"Just a little something I learned from G.W. Bush - shock and awe campaigning - it works great in the short term but you pay for it later. And I'm sure I will pay for it. Hopefully with dirty looks and lectures and not with a visit from a social worker! Hey, is there any more of that chutney back here?"  
  
"Doug, could you get it? It's in the walk-in - it's in the big jar on the second shelf. You'll see it. What do you want with it?" Pacey asked Jen. Doug shot Pacey a look but did as he was asked.  
  
"Umm, a spoon?" answered Jen uncertainly.  
  
"Doug could get you some bread or rice or something. You don't have to eat it plain," said Pacey mischievously.   
  
"But I want it plain," explained Jen patiently.  
  
"That's a first!" cracked Jack.  
  
"Was that some kind of crack?" shot Jen.  
  
"Yes. Yes, I believe it was," replied Jack.  
  
"Definitely a crack," concurred Pacey. "Doug? What's the hold up in there?"  
  
Returning from the walk-in, Doug held two large jars. He lifted them up and griped, "There were two big jars on the second shelf."  
  
Hopping down from the counter, Pacey took the two jars from Doug and shook his head. Holding up the first jar he said, "Yes, one jar you'll note is filled with fresh, delicious chutney." Pacey set the first jar down and held up the second one, tilting it back and forth, whatever was inside squooshed unpleasantly, "The other jar is full of recycled lard."  
  
"Yuck!"  
  
"Gross dude!"  
  
"Why do you...? I don't even want to know!"  
  
"You'd be surprised how often it come in handy," said Pacey cuddling the jar. "Oh lardy, no one understands you the way I do."  
  
"Pacey, please - I'm trying to eat here! Quit molesting that jar," said Jen between spoonfuls of jar number one. "It's so good! Is it really your New Year's resolution?"  
  
"Indeed, chutney, kindness, hard work and The Nobel Prize in 2007."  
  
"He's trying to be more like Mother Teresa, if you can believe that," explained Doug with a smile.  
  
"Way to unflinchingly build failure right into your plan Pace," said Jack.  
  
"What do you mean?" asked Pacey guilelessly.   
  
"You don't really think you're going to win the Nobel Prize?"  
  
"Well, I can't win if I don't play," smirked Pacey.  
  
"Yeah," said Jen with her mouth full of chutney, "Quit raining on his parade Jackers. What's your resolution anyway?" When Jack didn't answer instantly Jen said, "Uh-huh. That's what I thought. You have unresolved issues."  
  
"Fine. Pacey has such a good resolution, I'll make it mine too! Here's to twin Nobel Prizes in 2007!" said Jack playfully as he shifted into a more comfortable position and pulled his legs up under him so he could sit cross-legged, Indian style.  
  
"Copycat! Step off my resolution!" cried Pacey forcefully. "And it's bad enough your ass is all over my food prep area but get your shoes the hell off!  
  
Doug whooped with laughter and sarcastically exclaimed, "Feet!" He gave his little brother a mocking look that very clearly said: Not so funny now is it?   
  
Ignoring them both, Jack asked, "And what about you Linley? What's your brilliant New Year's resolution?"  
  
"To give birth and not totally freak out. To be a good mother and to wear my favorite jeans again," Jen answered smugly. "Unlike you Jack, most of us actually do think about these things. Even if they are doomed to fail - in all or in part."  
  
"What about you Doug? What's your resolution?" asked Jack.  
  
"To start moving forward. It's no secret to anyone here that I've been in a rut for... for a while. My goal for 2007 is to get out of my rut and move forward."  
  
"Dougie, Dougie! That's too thoughtful, too realistic. Where's the fun in that? Where's the failure?" asked Pacey.  
  
"Jen's resolution wasn't contingent on failure," stammered Doug.  
  
"Please!" said Jack, "That whole part about not freaking out while giving birth? That's not going to happen. She's going to be a spaz machine."  
  
Jen nodded, "He's right. I'll probably come totally unglued. But I am going to be a good mother! And wear my jeans again!"  
  
"So, you're saying I should build in some failure to ensure the success of my other goals? Like a loss leader? Or a negotiation point?"  
  
"That's one way of saying it. Another way is to say: I expect I'm going to fuck up and I'm ok with that. But it has to be something you actually would want otherwise it doesn't count," clarified Jen. "Like I don't want to freak out when I go into labor, even though the odds are good that I will. Get it?"  
  
"Ok, then my revised resolution is to move forward and to ease up on the coaster thing."  
  
"Excellent!" exclaimed Pacey. "You'll definitely fail at that!"  
  
The four friends hung out in the kitchen cackling and hooting with laughter for 10 more minutes before Pacey had to get back to his bartending. But Doug, Jack and Jen remained in the relative comfort and solitude of the kitchen for another half an hour. So it was over 45 minutes before Jack spared a thought for Greg. Wincing, he said, "I should go find Greg."  
  
Cagily Jen said, "So, Doug? Have you met Greg yet?'  
  
"No. Not yet," answered Doug feeling his heart sink. Fun time was over.  
  
"Well, I think it's time you met him. Don't you Jack?" she asked pointedly.  
  
A little flabbergasted at the thought, Jack responded, "What? Yeah. I mean...If you want to...whatever..."   
  
The look on Doug's face made his opinion pretty clear to Jen but bleakly he said, "No. I'd love to meet...him." _That Guy. That damn Guy,_ thought Doug bitterly.   
  
  
----------------------  
  
  
"Doug, this is Greg. Greg - Doug."  
  
The moment Doug had been dreading, from the minute Pacey had convinced him to come to the party, had finally arrived. Smiling tightly, Doug extended his hand out to "That Guy" who, from now on, could be nothing other than Greg. "Pleased to meet you...Greg," choked out Doug even though he felt more discomfited than pleased.   
  
"And how do you know my Jack?" asked Greg staring attentively as he shook Doug's hand and stepped closer to him. Greg loved invading people's personal space. Especially when they were so good-looking and jumpy.  
  
"I, um...we..." flustered, Doug took a step back from Greg and looked plaintively at Jack.  
  
"Doug is Pacey's brother. We go way back," interjected Jack.   
  
"Ooo, the cop right? The long, strong arm of the law." Greg gave Doug a lascivious look and continued, "I hope you aren't going to have to arrest me Officer."  
  
"Why would I do that?" asked Doug genuinely confused and more uncomfortable than ever.   
  
"Because I'm pretty sure I'm going to be breaking all the sodomy laws when I take Jack home tonight!" cackled Greg loudly as he reached for Jack.  
  
"Greg!" exclaimed Jack mortified by his boyfriend's inopportune and tactless remark. He pulled away from Greg and gaped at him. _Where all this was coming from? Greg had been uncouth and clingy all night but this was just too much!_  
  
"Those laws were completely repealed in this state in 2004 after the U.S. Supreme Court found the Texas sodomy laws unconstitutional in 2003. And they were, in effect, abolished years before that when they became more or less unenforceable after a ruling set down in 2002. All of which I'm sure you know," responded Doug tightly. He didn't know what Jack had told Greg about him, but Doug did know he didn't like being made fun of.  
  
"Don't tell me you're yet another cop that can't take a joke! What is it about law enforcement and humorlessness that makes them go hand in hand? Didn't Rodney King, OJ and Louima teach you anything? You cops gotta ease up."  
  
"Oh, I can take a joke. I guess I just don't find your brand of infantile, jejune humor all that funny. If you'll excuse me..." Doug turned and walked away and headed for the bar. He could definitely use a drink - right now.  
  
Jen, who had been standing silently by during the awkward introduction, looked at Jack. Jack looked like he was going to throw up and her protective instincts kicked in to high gear. "Nice Greg," she spat. "Real nice." Throwing him her dirtiest look she followed after Doug.  
  
"What's her problem?"  
  
"What's her problem!? What's your problem?  
  
"What? I was just kidding around."  
  
Jack shook his head, "People don't usually 'kid' about police brutality with a cop. Besides, you've been acting weird all night."  
  
"You wanna know why?"  
  
"I would love to know why."  
  
"All night I've gotten the feeling that you didn't want me here. Every time I turn around, you've vanished and when I find you, if I find you, you're talking to Jen or Pacey or the cop..."  
  
"They're my friends!" interjected Jack hotly.  
  
"But you know who I never find you talking to? Me. I can be a lot of things Jack, but one thing I can't be is dismissed."  
  
"I haven't dismissed..."  
  
"Then prove it," Greg challenged.  
  
"Prove it how?"  
  
Greg reached for Jack and drew him close. He wrapped his arms around his waist and kissed him fiercely on the mouth. Jack felt foolish and on display but Greg knew what he was doing and all too soon Jack forgot about everyone at the party and kissed him back. When they broke apart both men were breathing hard.  
  
"Ok, you've pissed all over your territory so now will you relax?" Jack asked with just a trace of bitterness.  
  
"Just remember who the big dog is," teased Greg as he playfully ruffled Jack's hair.  
  
"I should have remembered your leash..." replied Jack.  
  
"Promises, promises..." drawled Greg.  
  
-----------------------  
  
Doug reached the bar and plopped down on an empty stool.   
  
"What's up Dougie?" asked Pacey as he wiped down the bar.  
  
"I'd like a drink," answered Doug curtly.  
  
"Can do." Throwing the bar rag over his shoulder, Pacey stood in front of his brother and jovially inquired, "You want something specific or should I just surprise you?"  
  
"Whatever. Nothing stupid or pink."  
  
"Would you consider a Slippery Nipple stupid?" kidded Pacey. When Doug only glared at him, Pacey continued, "Right. No MTV-approved novelty drinks."  
  
"Have I told you what a good time I'm having?"  
  
Pacey grabbed a bottle from the back shelf and pulled out a glass, "No, no you haven't."   
  
"Guess why."  
  
"It's early yet."  
  
"Does that mean it's going to get better or worse?"  
  
"Hey guys. Mind if I join you?" Jen carefully sat on the stool next to Doug and noted his stony expression.  
  
Smiling Pacey said, "Hey hot mama, you need something to drink?"   
  
"Tonic and lime would be great. Also whatever snack food you have squirreled away back there."  
  
"You're still hungry?" Pacey handed Doug his drink. Doug didn't say anything but drank half of it in one swallow. Pacey rummaged around under the bar.  
  
"I'm always hungry. Ooo! Goldfish crackers - perfect. Remember the old jingle? It was so random and hilarious!" Jen started singing, "Here's a jingle for goldfish something for goldfish..."  
  
Pacey joined in, "The wholesome snack that smiles back until you bite their heads off!"   
  
The two friends dissolved into laughter. Doug just sat there, staring at the remainder of his drink.  
  
"What's with him?" asked Pacey when the laughter subsided.  
  
"He just met Greg," said Jen as she happily munched on the snack crackers. She had come over here to make Doug feel better but until she had some idea how to do that, she'd just have a little snack. Moreover she wasn't even sure if she should try to make Doug feel better.   
  
"Oh. That guy..." Pacey rolled his eyes.  
  
"Totally."  
  
"He's so..." Pacey did a silent, mocking impression of Greg.  
  
"Exactly," agreed Jen.  
  
Without looking up, Doug finished his drink and said, "You two can quit talking in code. Say whatever you want. I'm going to the restroom." And with that he got up and walked toward the back of the restaurant.  
  
"Ugh! I hate the term restroom! I mean, he's not going to take a nap back there is he?"  
  
You would prefer what? Urination town? Or maybe, I-Need-A-Little-Me-Time Village?  
  
Pacey, help me out here," said Jen leaning her elbows on the bar and lowering her voice. "Doug's pretty fucked up isn't he?"  
  
"Yeah, he is. But no more so than the rest of us." Seeing Jen's skeptical look he said, "Well maybe a little bit more, but not significantly more. And he's working on it."  
  
"He hurt Jack," Jen said seriously.  
  
"He didn't mean to," replied Pacey just as seriously.  
  
"Does that really matter?"  
  
"I think so. If an animal gets caught in a trap and is suffering, almost dying in that trap, and then someone comes along and tries to help - if they get hurt, it's not because the animal is bad or even wants to hurt them - it's because the animal is desperate to get free. Once Dougie figured out that he wanted to be free, he kinda freaked out."  
  
"I feel for him. I really do. And that astounds me, because the last person I thought I'd have sympathy for is the deluded Deputy Doug."  
  
"He's Sheriff now," said Pacey.  
  
"Whatever."   
  
"Maybe you should talk to him yourself. See if you can get some straight answers out of him - if you'll forgive the pun."  
  
"Maybe I will," said Jen softly. And then, in her more customary tone of voice, she asked, "You got any more goldfish? And that wasn't a pun. It was barely a wisecrack. I expect better from you Witter."  
  
  
----------------------  
  
Walking out on to the deck, Jen smiled ruefully. She thought she had seen Doug sneak out and, sure enough, there he was slumped in one of the dozen or so patio chairs lined up against the restaurant.  
  
"I thought you were going to the bathroom."  
  
"Going to the bathroom was such a success I thought I'd try going home next," retorted Doug.  
  
"Which is why you're sitting out here?"  
  
"No one bats a thousand," said Doug shrugging.  
  
"True. But you can't leave yet; it's only 11:35. Law dictates you can't leave until 12:07... at the earliest," scolded Jen kindly.  
  
"What law is that?"  
  
"It's either the law of common decency or else it's pursuant to the laws of holiday suffering. Either way, you can get in a lot of trouble."  
  
'We wouldn't want that," snapped Doug impatiently.  
  
Sitting down in the chair next to him, Jen fixed her gaze on Doug and said, "Look Doug, Greg's been a jerk tonight but that's not who he really is."  
  
"And who is he really?" asked Doug, unable to meet her frank gaze.  
  
"Mostly? He's a bore. A real yawn. Mental pablum. This dickhead routine he's exhibiting tonight, it actually makes him more interesting."  
  
"That's great," said Doug sarcastically.  
  
Jen sighed, "That's not what I meant."  
  
"What did you mean Jen?" asked Doug bitterly.   
  
Determined, Jen just kept looking at him, it was as if she thought she could get some answers if she stared at him hard enough.   
  
Doug couldn't take it for long. "What?" he practically shouted.   
  
"Do you have feelings - real, honest, intense feelings for Jack?"  
  
"That's none of your business."  
  
"You shouldn't have told him he wasn't worth it."  
  
"I didn't..." Doug cut himself short and stared straight ahead. "Dammit," he swore softly.  
  
"I'm just saying."  
  
They sat in silence for a while listening to the muffled party sounds from inside. Doug shifted uncomfortably in his chair.   
  
"Do you ever get scared Jen?" he asked his voice thick with barely contained emotion.  
  
Jen resisted the urge to make a sarcastic remark about being pregnant, single and broke being the ultimate formula for fear and answered simply, "Yeah, I get scared."  
  
"I'm scared every single day. Every emotion I feel, every issue I dig up, every mistake I make - it fills me with complete and utter fear. Not stress. Not anxiety. Not nervousness. Fear. Gut wrenching, paralyzing fear. Sometimes, I get so scared I don't even know who I am anymore."  
  
Jen didn't say anything; she just reached over and took Doug's hand in her own. She knew that fear.  
  
"And then, I get so tired of being scared that I get angry. No, not just angry. Livid. Furious. I'm furious with myself for being such a coward and I'm furious with every single person around me who doesn't notice that I'm scared and furious..."  
  
"You're not a coward Doug. You may feel like one, but I promise you, you aren't..."  
  
"When will this stop? When will I just be me again? The old me?"  
  
Jen sighed and leaned her head on Doug's shoulder. "Some things change us permanently I guess. The old you is gone." Jen tightened her grip on Doug's hand and said, "But the new you is just ahead. The fear and anger will fade... but right now, right now...you're in the crucible. And the crucible sucks but you won't always be in it."  
  
"How can you be so sure?" questioned Doug, hungry for her assurance.  
  
"I've been there before...and..." she paused, "I'm there right now."  
  
Realizing he wasn't the only one dealing with big, scary problems, Doug said, "Jen? It's going to be ok. Really. I promise." He looked at her - all kindhearted reassurance and tender blue eyes, "It will."   
  
Feeling tears drip down her cheeks, Jen tried to compose herself. This wasn't supposed to be about her but for some reason, Doug's words both touched and calmed her. She kinda believed him. "Yeah, I know," she sniffed a little. "Doug?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"It's going to be ok. I promise too."  
  
Doug smiled and wiped the tears from her cheeks. "Ok. But remember, you promised."  
  
Jen smiled. She was glad her instincts had been wrong about Doug, and she was glad she had taken the time to find that out. Pacey was right, Doug wasn't that much more fucked up than any of them. That was a relief since she was pretty sure Jack was in love with him.  
  
Doug interrupted her chain of thoughts and asked, "So he's really like mental pablum?"  
  
"You have no idea. All he talks about is computers, his mother -the lesbian professor- and sex. And come on, I like sex talk as much as anybody, but blah blah blah blah! People that boring just shouldn't be allowed to talk about sex. It ruins it for the rest of us. Oh!" Startled, Jen sat up straight in her chair.  
  
"Is something wrong?"  
  
Jen grinned, "No. No, it's the baby. Here." She took Doug's hand and placed it on her stomach. Breathlessly she waited. "There! Did you feel it?"  
  
"Wow. Jen, that's amazing! There's a person inside you." Doug smiled in admiration.  
  
"I know. It's a girl. Did you know? I'm having a little girl."  
  
"That's terrific! She'll probably look just like you!"  
  
"That's what Jack said!" laughed Jen incredulously. Before things could get awkward, she said, "Can I tell you a secret? You can't tell anybody. Not even Jack. It'll be the first test of our friendship."  
  
"Tell me. I'm pretty sure I can keep a secret!"  
  
"Yeah, I guess you can," Jen clapped her hands together and radiated excitement. "I know her name. She told me in a dream." She paused for a minute to see if Doug was going to make fun of her or not  
  
"So what is it? You have to tell me now!" Doug nudged Jen lightly with his elbow.   
  
"It's Amy. It means beloved, which she is! Amy," Jen savored the name as she said it. If there was one thing she was sure of, it was Amy.  
  
"Amy. I like it. It's kind of old fashioned..."  
  
Suddenly Pacey burst on to the porch holding several glasses of champagne and said, "What are you two doing out here? It's like 3 minutes to midnight! Come on; get your antisocial butts inside! Here's champagne for you," said Pacey as he handed Doug a glass. "Sparkling apple juice for you," he said to Jen. "And look at that, a glass left over for me and one for the lucky lady I'll be kissing in mere moments!  
  
"And that is whom?" queried Doug.  
  
"I'll tell you at 12:01...or make that 12:04 if she's not married."  
  
"My brother, the romantically amoral optimist!"   
  
Laughing Jen and Doug followed Pacey inside.   
  
----------------------  
  
The party had come to a standstill, everyone waiting breathlessly for midnight, which was about 20 seconds away. Jack stood next to Greg. And Pacey had a pretty redhead hanging off his arm. Doug saw Gale Leery whisper something in her date's ear and there was Mr. And Mrs. Garrison, both of whom looked unexpectedly cheerful considering the late hour. Marie Shank and Bill Willis - _good grief were they dating? _thought Doug. It looked like the whole town was here; ready to ring in the New Year. Everyone had someone it seemed.  
  
The countdown began - 10, 9, 8... Doug told himself that it didn't matter, that 2007 was going to be good no matter what happened or didn't happen tonight. 7, 6, 5...Doug felt a hand slip into his; he looked down and saw Jen smiling up at him. "You aren't going to leave me with no one smooch at midnight are you?" she asked.  
  
4, 3, 2, 1! Happy New Year! Pandemonium broke out - people kissing and cheering and laughing and Doug was one of them. Reaching down, he swept Jen up into his arms and gave her a more than friendly kiss. When he set her back down, all she said was, "Holy crap!"  
  
  
----------------------  
  
An hour and a half later and the majority of the guests had left. The only ones left were Pacey, Jen, Doug, Jack and Greg as well as a group of Pacey's teenaged employees. The kids hung out in the back laughing and from the sounds of it, having an insult contest.  
  
Doug watched them for a minute and wondered if he had ever been that young and carefree. Doug turned his gaze to others who were slow dancing. As he watched Pacey and Jen and Jack and Greg dance, Doug felt a sharp stab of jealousy. Which was crazy because they had been dancing for all of one and a half songs.   
  
They'd been sitting around the bar chatting when "Letting Go" by Sozzi came on the stereo and Jen had insisted that Pacey owed her a dance and pregnant or not, she was cashing in. A minute later, Greg dragged Jack out to join them. Jack had protested, not wanting to leave Doug sitting alone but Doug had assured him it was no big deal.  
  
But now, as the next song, "Cry Ophelia" by Adam Cohen played softly; Doug wished he wasn't always the odd man out. He stared at Jack and Greg - they looked so comfortable and happy together that Doug felt his throat tighten in that familiar suffocating way.  
  
There was a loud burst of laughter from the kids in the back and one of them hollered, "Hey boss! Come prove Corey wrong!"  
  
"I'm not wrong!" insisted Corey.   
  
"You're not wrong," said a pretty brunette sweetly, "You're spectacularly, stunningly wrong. You might actually be redefining the concept of wrong as we know it."   
  
Laughing, Pacey let go of Jen and walked over to the rowdy bunch saying, "Let's keep it to a dull roar kiddies! What's Corey wrong about this time?"  
  
Jen joined Doug at the bar and gesturing to the kids, asked, "That seem familiar to you?"   
  
"Reminds me of you guys - Pacey, Dawson, Joey, Jack, you..." nodded Doug. "Except I think you guys were more obnoxious."  
  
"We were not!" huffed Jen indignantly. Doug just cocked an eyebrow at her and smiled. "What?" she asked, "Didn't you have a gang of loud, insufferable, madcap friends when you were that age?"   
  
"I've never really been the gang type." A comfortable silence fell between them and Doug found himself watching Jack and Greg again.   
  
Jen noticed and said, "Probably shouldn't look at him like that. Not if you don't want to deal with the consequences..."  
  
Doug blanched and replied, "What do you mean? Look at him like what? I wasn't..." He sighed and knew he had been caught.  
  
"It's written all over your face. Unless you are ready to be completely obvious, I'd suggest that you not be so obvious. Not that you don't look adorable all moony and lovelorn."  
  
"Point taken," said Doug stonily as he turned and faced Jen. "Thanks."  
  
"Think nothing of it Sheriff."  
  
Pacey rejoined them and said, "Aren't you guys tired?" Stretching he said, "I'm beat. I told the little rascals to pack it up and now, I'm telling you - pack it up!" He flipped off the stereo and turned off some of the lights.   
  
"So was Corey wrong?" asked Jen yawning a little.  
  
"He's almost always wrong, but he's the me in their little group so I backed his play tonight. Holiday spirit and all," Pacey grinned and watched as the kids headed out the front door. "Night guys!"  
  
"See you tomorrow boss," said Corey pushing his friends out in front of him. "And thanks a lot."  
  
They left and suddenly the restaurant seemed very quiet and empty. Jack and Greg walked over to the bar. "That's it then," said Jack. He looked and Jen and asked, "Where are you staying anyway?"   
  
"Well, I was going to stay with Pacey, but I'd rather stay with you." Jen gave Doug a knowing look and smiled. "No offense Pacey."  
  
"Too tired to take offense," responded Pacey good-naturedly.  
  
"That's ok right?"  
  
"Of course it is!" said Jack. "You don't have to even ask!"  
  
"Great," said Jen digging in her purse. She pulled out her keys and said, "Greg will you go get my bag out of the rental car? It's the Saturn." Without waiting for an answer she threw him the keys and continued, "Thanks. Grab my pillow too please. And Pacey? Come pack me up some of that chutney for the road."  
  
"The long, long road to Jack's? Can't you just come back tomorrow?" groused Pacey.  
  
"Hi, I'm pregnant. You are required to indulge me."  
  
"Ok, fine. You women have got it made," joked Pacey.  
  
As the headed for the kitchen, Jen said, "Want me to detail the downside? Because I can..."  
  
"Fine. I'll go get her bag," grumped Greg. When he was gone, Jack and Doug were alone.   
  
Jack smiled, grateful for the moment Jen had so cunningly engineered. "It was really good to see you tonight Doug. Even though I kind of feel I didn't get to spend much time with you. I didn't get to tell you how much I liked this shirt for example."  
  
"Really?" said Doug looking down at the blue shirt, slightly embarrassed by the compliment.  
  
"Yeah, it looks great on you." Jack ran his hand lightly down Doug's arm. It was just a friendly gesture but it sent shivers racing down Doug's spine.  
  
"Thanks. I..." Doug's voice trailed off.  
  
"What?" asked Jack.  
  
"I'm just really glad we got a chance to talk tonight."  
  
"Me too. Does this mean we can be friends again?" Jack narrowed his eyes and watched Doug closely for his response.  
  
"Friends?" Doug looked confused for a minute but tried to play it off, "Right. Of course. Friends. Yeah."  
  
"Good," said Jack firmly. "Doug?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"I think it's going to be a good year. I want you to know..."  
  
Just then Greg returned with Jen's stuff and said, "Damn it's cold out there! So are we going or what?"  
  
Jen and Pacey heard Greg and returned from the kitchen. Jen held the jar of chutney and looked a little annoyed. She glared at Greg who patently ignored her.  
  
As the others went out into the deck, Pacey stayed behind and turned out the rest of the lights. As he exited the building he devoted so much of his time and energy to he said, "Pretty good start to a new year. Let's take a moment to enjoy our clean slates."  
  
"Umm, Pace? From what I saw you doing with Angela Murphy, I'd say your slate is not exactly clean," teased Doug.  
  
"Angela! That's her name!" exclaimed Pacey in all sincerity.  
"Pacey!" gasped Jen and Jack in unison.   
  
"Isn't she engaged?" asked Jack.  
  
"She was kinda vague about it when I asked her..." said Pacey sheepishly.  
  
The group said their 'goodnights' and final 'happy new years' and went their separate ways. As Doug walked back to his place, he felt good. The evening had had its share of ups and downs but all in all, Doug felt more hopeful than he had in a long time.   
  
-----------------------  
  
Time, where did you go?   
Why did you leave me here alone?  
Wait, don't go so fast  
I'm missing the moments as they pass  
Now I've looked in the mirror   
And the worlds getting clearer  
So wait for me this time   
I'm down I'm down on my knees   
I'm begging for all your sympathy  
But you   
(I'm just an illusion)   
You don't seem to care   
(I wish that I could)  
You humble people everywhere   
(I don't mean to hurt you)  
Now I've looked in the mirror   
And the worlds getting clearer  
I'll take what you give me.   
Please know that I'm learning  
So wait for me this time  
I should've know better  
I shouldn't have wasted those days  
And afternoons and mornings  
I threw them all away  
Now this is my time  
I'm going to make this moment mine.  
(I shouldn't have wasted those days)  
I'll take what you give me.   
Please know that I'm learning  
I've looked in the mirror  
My world's getting clearer  
So wait for me this time  
So wait for me this time  
So wait for me this time  
  
- Time  
By Chantal Kreviazuk  
  



	9. Pancakes and Patience

**Seek and Go Hide  
part nine**   
  
Jack lay in his bed watching the morning light creep slowly across the ceiling. It was early; too early to be awake considering the late hour he had gone to bed the night before. After the party, he and Jen sat up talking into the wee hours of the morning. When he finally went to bed, he was certain he was going to sleep for a good long time. Three hours later and his eyes flew open and his brain insisted it was time for school, time to get up, time to rise, time to shine. He tried to ignore his brain and snuggled back under the covers but his brain wouldn't hear of it and so sleep eluded him.   
  
Giving in, Jack turned his whirring thoughts to Doug. He'd been so happy to finally talk to Doug and get a few things resolved between them. But now in the cold, morning light Jack was pretty sure he was reading too much into Doug's apology. Yes, Doug was sorry he had lashed out at Jack but that didn't really mean much. Possibly it didn't mean anything at all. It wasn't like Doug had said he had feelings for Jack. No he was just sorry he'd been mean. Remorse didn't translate to anything other than remorse. And even if, he maybe had feelings for Jack, Doug hadn't hinted that he might, possibly, just maybe be ready to come out to more than close friends and family. Jack knew that he couldn't be with Doug unless Doug came out of the closet. _I just can't get involved with someone who isn't willing to give it his all and be open about everything. I can't, I can't make that work_, thought Jack with a frown.   
  
Greg stirred in the bed beside him and Jack's frown deepened. He was putting the cart so far in front of the horse it was ridiculous. He didn't even know how he felt, so how could he possibly know how Doug felt. And then there was Greg. Sweet, occasionally funny, undeniably good in bed Greg. Jack turned and watched him sleep. He looked so vulnerable. Jack hated to think that he was being unfair to Greg. Jack had had his share of bad boyfriends in the past. He was used to being the wronged not the wrong. Selfishly, Jack didn't want to be the villain in this relationship. _I'm not a bad guy,_ thought Jack stubbornly. _I can make this work. I think._   
  
Sighing loudly, Jack flopped back onto his back. The sudden movement shook the bed and woke Greg.   
  
"God my head!" groaned Greg as he buried his face into the pillow.   
  
Sitting up and swinging his feet to the floor, Jack said, "I'll get you some aspirin…"   
  
Greg reached across the bed and his arm snaked around Jack's waist, "No, just stay here - keep me warm." He tried feebly to pull Jack back down into the bed.   
  
Resisting, Jack replied, "I should go see if Jen's up..."   
  
"Just 15 minutes, please," Greg looked up at Jack and batted his eyes. "Come on big guy. Don't make me beg…it's too early…"   
  
Jack couldn't help but smile, "All right," he agreed. He lay back down and Greg immediately curled up next to him.   
  
"I'm sorry I was sort of weird last night," said Greg as he idly ran his hand across Jack's chest.   
  
Jack laughed a little and raised an eyebrow. "Sort of weird?" he asked.   
  
"What can I say? The holidays make me insecure." Greg began raining light kissing down on Jack's chest and stomach and said, "Especially when my hunky boyfriend keeps disappearing on me."   
  
"I was mingling Greg," said Jack defensively.   
  
"I know. I know. I'm a crazy boyfriend." The kisses continued up Jack's neck then down again. Greg continued, "Wanna go see a movie tonight? We could see the new Paul Thomas Anderson flick or the latest Bond if you want. My treat."   
  
"You hate Bond movies…" said Jack.   
  
"Yeah, but I kinda like you…" With that Greg turned his attentions even lower.   
  
"I should see what Jen's plans are, hey stop that." Jack smiled down at Greg and tried to take some of the sting out of his words, "Not now ok?" Jack sat up in the bed.   
  
"Jack?" Greg sat up as well and looked at Jack; his face was very serious.   
  
"What?" sighed Jack. He stared straight ahead; he had a feeling he knew what was coming next.   
  
"When do I move up the list? I'm tried of coming in 6th or 7th on your list of priorities," said Greg with a hurt look.   
  
Jack turned and tried to diffuse the situation and said, "Look, we've both kept this light for a reason…"   
  
"Which is?"   
  
There was a lengthy pause and Jack couldn't answer. He and Greg stared at each other for a moment. Jack was the first to look away.   
  
Softly, Greg inquired, "Don't you want more than light?"   
  
"I don't know," responded Jack honestly.   
  
"I think you do. I know I do." Greg laughed ruefully and said, "Come on Jack, we can be more than sex and small talk. I know it."   
  
"I do want more than sex and small talk," confessed Jack. He thought briefly about Doug then shook his head as if to dislodge the thought.   
  
"Then give me a chance ok? Play fair…" Greg gave Jack a playful shove and grinned at him.  
  
Jack felt himself return the grin, "Ok." _If we can take this relationship to the next level, it might all be worth it,_ thought Jack.   
  
"Great! So which is it double oh seven or avant-garde surrealism?" asked Greg merrily.   
  
_Well, I guess we can go to the next level later_, thought Jack. He was surprised to find he was a little relieved. "You can pick. I really should go see if Jen's up." Jack got out of the bed and pulled on a faded sweatshirt.   
  
With just a trace of bitterness, Greg relented, "Ok, ok. But will you get me that aspirin first?"   
  
Jack just nodded and went to get the aspirin.   
  
--------------------------   
  
Doug was humming as he cooked breakfast. Pancakes sizzled in the pan and filled the small kitchen with their warm apple-cinnamony scent. Realizing that he had made far too much batter and so was going to have far too many pancakes, Doug considered what Jack and Jen were doing this morning. _Who doesn't like pancakes?_ thought Doug and before he could talk himself out of it, he took the pan off the burner and picked up the phone. He dialed Jack's phone number from memory.   
  
As the phone rang, Doug felt his heart start to race. _It's just pancakes. A friendly little brunch. No big deal. It's just pancakes._ On the fourth ring, Doug felt his resolve leave him and just as he was about to hang up, he heard a female voice screech "Hello!?"   
  
Doug snatched the phone back to his ear and asked quizzically, "Jen?"   
  
"Hello? Who is it?" Jen's loud, laughing voice made Doug both cringe and smile. "Stop it Jack! Can't you see I'm on the phone? Your phone you'll note. Stop it! Stop! Hell-oh? Is anyone there?"   
  
"Hi Jen, it's Doug. Doug Witter. Sheriff Witter." Doug shook his head and marveled at his ineptitude. _My lameness knows no bounds_, he thought to himself.   
  
"Jack - it's the law! I told you you were doing it wrong! The cops are coming to stop you! Save us!"   
  
Doug could hear the two friends tussle over the phone and couldn't help but chuckle a bit.   
  
"Give me that phone Jen!"   
  
"Or you'll what?" she teased, "You'll whisk me to death?"   
  
"Give it to me," insisted a laughing Jack. "I know your weaknesses Lindley!"   
  
Suddenly there was an even louder burst of laughter and the sound of the phone being dropped. Doug wondered what exactly was going on over there. Whatever it was, it sounded like fun. After a minute or so, Jack gained control of the phone and breathlessly said, "Hello? Doug?"   
  
"He's murdering eggs!" hollered Jen from the background still laughing. "And you're a cheater, Jack McPhee!"   
  
"Hi Jack. I hear you're a cheater," said Doug jovially.   
  
"Oh no, some people are just sore losers."   
  
"And the egg murdering accusation?"   
  
"Blown way out of proportion. I was trying to make omelets but, well, it's not going smoothly and…"   
  
"Not going smoothly?" Jen squealed from across the room. "There are eggs on the ceiling and in my hair! It's carnage Doug! Total carnage!"   
  
"On the ceiling?" asked Doug smiling. Jack really wasn't much of a cook.   
  
"It was a fluke. Really. What's up with you?"   
  
"Actually, I was just calling to see if you guys wanted to come over and have some pancakes…"   
  
Taken aback a bit, Jack stammered, "Wow. Uhm, yeah. That's really nice but Jen's here and…"  
  
"I gathered as much," interrupted Doug cheerfully, "The invitation is all inclusive."   
  
Feeling awkward, Jack heard himself hurriedly saying, "And so is Greg and well, there are eggs all over the place and while my omelets are kind of a disaster, they make ok scrambled eggs so we should probably just eat them otherwise, it's just a waste you know?"   
  
"Greg's there…" said a quietly stunned Doug. Staring at the bowl of pancake batter, Doug felt very stupid.   
  
"Yeah," sighed Jack.   
  
Telling himself to hold it together, Doug too nonchalantly replied, "Greg's there. Of course he is. He's your boyfriend after all. Tell him hello for me. I'm sorry to have bothered you. I'll see you around…"   
  
"Doug, listen…" interrupted Jack   
  
"I gotta run Jack," said Doug tersely. All he wanted was to be off the phone, he couldn't keep the bitterness out of his voice as he said, "Have a great day." And with that he hung up.   
  
Turning back to the stove, he brusquely turned off the burner. Grabbing the large bowl of fragrant batter, he walked over to the sink and began pouring it down the disposal. Turning on the water, he washed out the bowl, the skillet and the sundry other dishes he had so cheerfully dirtied only minutes ago. He knew it was ludicrous to feel so rejected over a last minute invitation to pancakes.   
  
But it was more than the pancakes. He had thought he and Jack had made some headway last night. Obviously, he had read too much into it. Jack had said "friends" and apparently that's what he really meant. Jack was dating someone. And it was serious enough that Greg had spent the night, New Years Eve night, at Jack's place. Doug knew Jack took relationships seriously so Jack must care about him.   
  
Doug told himself that he had been deluding himself about Jack for too long. If there had been something between them, Doug had blown it. _It's not going to work._ Frowning, Doug resolved to put his feelings for Jack behind him. It felt completely impossible but he knew it was necessary. He was going to have to find a way to do it.   
  
The phone startled Doug out of his reverie. Quickly he picked it up, figuring that it had to be work. He couldn't have been more surprised when he heard Jen's voice on the line.   
  
"Doug? Look I only have a minute. Jack's scraping the egg off the ceiling," Jen's voice was an intense whisper in Doug's ear. "He doesn't know I'm calling ok - I'm not even sure I should be calling but…it's not going to work you should know that…"   
  
"Don't worry, Jen. I've figured it out. I'll leave him alone," grumbled Doug indignantly.   
  
"Not you two you dummy. Greg and Jack. Jack thinks he's gotta give it the old college try but it won't matter ok? It's doomed. You've just gotta wait it out."   
  
"I can't believe you are calling me and telling me…"   
  
"Just shut up Doug. I know it sucks to be told to hang in there, it's unfair and emotional torture and usually, I'm 100% against it. Life is too short to pine. But the thing is, he wants you. He doesn't want to want you, but he does. And one of these days, he'll wake up and he'll think he's blown it and I want him to be wrong. So don't give up. Look, I gotta go. He just left the kitchen..."   
  
"Jen?" said Doug.   
  
"What?" she asked quickly. Doug could almost see her eyes darting around as she tried to figure out where Jack was exactly.   
  
"Thanks."   
  
"So you'll do it? You'll be patient? You'll wait?"   
  
"I think he's worth it," said Doug sincerely.   
  
"You're right. He is. Bye," with that Jen hung up and Doug was left stunned once again. Only this time, he relished the feeling. He just had to be patient. He was good at that.   
  
_Hey where have you been hiding?  
In a land far away  
Oh I can't stay away  
But you're wrapped in the arms of another.  
  
All my life I've been searching for someone,  
Someone who's true  
Oh someone just like you.  
But I'm lost looking in the haze  
I can't make it past this stage  
While you're wrapped in the arms of another, another.  
  
Oh it tears me up inside  
And I know in my heart  
That you were meant for me  
And if we're meant to be then it will be  
If we're meant to be then it will be  
  
Hey where have you been hiding?  
You're so beautiful and free  
Oh why can't our love be  
I guess it's cause you're still  
Wrapped in the arms of another  
  
Oh it tears me up inside  
cause i know in my heart  
That you were meant for me  
And if we're meant to be then it will be  
If we're meant to be then it will be  
  
-- Wrapped In The Arms Of Another  
by Susan Tedeschi  
  
_ ****

end part 9


	10. A Moment In the Eye of Canis Major

**Seek and Go Hide  
part 10  
  
** It was quiet and Capeside High was nearly deserted. Jack sat at his desk grading the pop quiz he hadn't wanted to give that day. Unfortunately, the first day back from Christmas break had proven too exciting for his students and when they refused to settle down, Jack had threatened a pop quiz. The threat didn't faze them and they continued cutting up, passing notes, and acting like a bunch of hyper teenagers. Jack couldn't let them call his bluff and so, the pop quiz no one wanted, least of Jack, hit them hard.   
  
It was fairly apparent to Jack that no one had done his or her reading over break. The quiz he was currently grading was hilariously wrong.  
  
Q. What type of poem is The Iliad?   
A. Action Adventure rated pg-13 for violence and excessive wordiness  
  
Q. Her face launched a thousand ships. Who was she?  
A. Condoleeza Rice  
  
Q. What is the cause of the quarrel between Agamemnon and Achilles?   
A. They were fighting over whose name is the most often misspelled  
  
Jack laughed and flipped the paper over to see whose paper he was grading. C_orey Morris, I should have known_, smiled Jack to himself. Corey was the class clown as well as the class underachiever. Jack flipped the paper back over and continued marking red x's down the page. Out of the 12 questions, Corey didn't get one right. _I better start thinking up some extracurricular work for him to do_, thought Jack kindly. He didn't want his students to fail after all but he did want them to pay attention and take school seriously.  
  
"Excuse me, Mr. McPhee. Do you have a minute?" a quiet, unsure voice interrupted Jack's train of thought and startled him.   
  
"What! Miss Perkins, what are you doing here?" Jack tried to keep the surprise out of his voice and failed.   
  
"I'm sorry," Olivia Perkins looked like she was going to faint or be sick to her stomach. Possibly both. "I didn't mean to bug you. I can talk to you later." She turned and disappeared down the dark hallway.   
  
"Olivia! Wait!" Jack stood up and followed her out into the hall. He found her leaning against a locker, fumbling for her asthma inhaler. "Olivia? Are you ok?"   
  
She nodded as she looked up at him and inhaled deeply. "I'm ok. Just stress." She took another blast of medicine from the inhaler and smiled embarrassed. "Really."   
  
"Well, why don't we go back to the classroom and you can tell me what's got you so stressed out? Was it today's quiz? Because you did better than most…"   
  
"It's not that…but I did ok? I didn't exactly read the whole thing…"   
  
"Well, it wasn't your best work, but you did ok," gently Jack steered his student back to the classroom. "So what's up?"   
  
"I…I don't know if I should be talking to you about this…or anyone…" Olivia stammered.   
  
"Have a seat," said Jack gesturing to a chair next to his desk. "Why don't we start with what you're doing at school at," he looked at his watch, "7:17 - the first day back from Christmas vacation?"   
  
"Oh, I had a Scholar's Bowl meeting and then I was helping Mrs. Doughty organize the Spanish language lab. It was a terrible mess." Olivia looked at her hands.   
  
"It's nice of you to help Mrs. Doughty. I'm sure she appreciates it."   
  
"I like Spanish." Olivia chewed on her lower lip and sighed deeply. Whatever was worrying her, Jack knew it had to be pretty serious. Olivia was somewhat shy with her peers but she was never afraid to speak her mind to her teachers. Jack waited, not wanting to push.   
  
"Mr. McPhee, if someone knows something about someone else, someone who is the first someone's friend, and is afraid that that someone might do something stupid should the first someone tell someone else? Even if it means betraying someone who someone likes?" The words came out in a rush and when she was finished, Olivia looked up at Jack with her big, gray, imploring eyes.   
  
"I think you need to tell me who these some ones are and what the something stupid is," insisted Jack. "I promise we'll work it out, ok?"   
  
Olivia sighed again, "Well…it's, well…you know Cliff Granger? He's a friend of mine. He's a good guy but...but…lately…you know what, never mind…"   
  
"Is he hurting you Olivia?" asked Jack as he considered Cliff's sharp temper.   
  
"What? No! I told you, he's my friend!"   
  
"Then what? I know it's hard, but I need you to tell me. For Cliff's sake."   
  
"Well he's…he's been bragging…it's probably just talk but…he's been bragging that he's…got a gun. And that people better leave him alone or..." Olivia's voice trailed off to a whisper, "Or he's gonna use it."   
  
Jack felt his stomach tighten. Cliff was a troublemaker, that was not news; but this was more than disrupting assemblies, mouthing off to teachers, or playing cruel pranks, this was serious.   
  
"Do you think he's planning to bring this gun to school?" asked Jack grimly.   
  
"What? I don't know. I mean…I don't even know if he really has a gun. When I asked him about what I heard, he said not to worry about it, that people have big mouths and that I should stay out of it."   
  
"Ok, then can you tell me who Cliff has the most trouble with? Who he might want to hurt?"   
  
"No! I mean…he wouldn't hurt anybody else I don't think. He might hurt himself though," she looked straight at Jack, her eyes wide and intense, "He's not very happy. Please, help him. I don't know what else to do."   
  
"Ok, Olivia. I hear you. And thank you for telling me. You absolutely did the right thing. Promise me that if you hear anything else, anything at all, you'll come see me. Promise?"   
  
"Yeah, ok." She stood up to go, "He's not gonna get expelled or anything is he?"   
  
"No. We'll take care of it." Looking out the window, Jack asked, "It's late. Do you need a ride home?"   
  
Olivia shook her head, "I've got my bike, it's ok."   
  
"It's pretty dark out there Olivia."   
  
"I've got a headlight, no big. Besides it's only like 12 feet to my house. And this is Capeside."   
  
Olivia headed out the classroom door and Jack called after her, "Be careful anyway."   
  
"Yeah, I will." Olivia turned back one last time and said, "Thanks Mr. McPhee. I knew you would know what to do and wouldn't freak out."   
  
And with that she was gone, leaving Jack to sit and wonder what exactly he was going to do about this.   
  
------------------------------------   
  
Doug sat at his desk trying to get caught up with some of the paperwork that seemed to have multiplied over night. He looked at his watch and wonder where exactly the day had gone.   
  
He heard a ruckus out front and got up to investigate. He found Officer Willis snarling and handcuffing Cliff Granger to an office chair.   
  
"You think you're pretty funny don't you Cliff? Well, we caught you red-handed this time so you might as well wipe that smirk off your face."   
  
"I know I'm funny. I also know I'm smart. You didn't catch me doing a damn thing. Unless jogging is a crime now in the totalitarian, tyrannical oligarchy of Capeside. Let me make my phone call you ass monkey." Cliff sat and stared defiantly at Bill Willis then added, "Sir."   
  
"What's going on here?" interrupted Doug, trying not to laugh at the 'ass monkey sir' remark.   
  
"I'll tell you what's going on Sheriff," hollered Cliff as he stood up and yanked his handcuffed hand against the chair. "What's going on is I'm being harassed by Officer Ass Monkey there for no good reason!"   
  
"You shut your yap!" snapped Officer Willis as he pushed the boy back down into the chair. "The Sheriff doesn't want any of your lip."   
  
"Bill, why don't you head back to my office and you can tell me what's going on here," said Doug diplomatically. "I'll join you in just a minute."   
  
Bill threw up his hands but did as Doug requested. Doug could hear him grumbling as he left.   
  
"Now, Cliff, let's get these cuffs off and you've got 2 minutes to tell me your side of things," Doug unlocked the handcuffs as he spoke.   
  
"I was out jogging and whammo! You're police dog there, jumped me," insisted Cliff.   
  
"You aren't exactly dressed for jogging Cliff," said Doug noting Cliff's attire of blue jeans, cowboy boots and winter coat.   
  
"Well, I didn't plan to be jogging but…" his voice trailed off.   
  
"But?" questioned Doug.   
  
"Well, I left the house because my Mom was driving insane. Man, she never stops harping on me! Seriously, if she keeps it up I'm gonna need to be institutionalized. Anyway, I was just walking but then…well I was walking faster and faster and next thing I know, I'm running. I like running. It helps clear my head. Next thing I know, he's tackling me and screaming in my ear how he's got me now! Then he's in my face about my rights and shoving me in the squad car and laughing at me. I swear. I didn't do anything."   
  
Doug looked at Cliff and just cocked an eyebrow at him. He didn't say anything.   
  
Sighing, Cliff amended, "Well I kinda tripped him coming into the station. But that's all. I didn't slash any tires or whatever it is he thinks I did!"   
  
"Alright, you sit tight here and I'll be back in a minute." Doug headed back to his office but turned back to Cliff and reiterated, "I mean it, just sit there, don't mess with anything, and don't get any smart ideas ok?"   
  
"Sure thing Sheriff. Whatever you say."   
  
Walking back to his office, Doug stretched a little and wished he had eaten earlier when he had had the chance.   
  
Doug opened his office door and Bill Willis jumped up out of the chair he had been sitting in and huffed, "Did he tell you I found this on him?" He waved a substantial pocketknife in front of Doug and continued, "Little punk liar! I know he's behind these tire slashing Sheriff. I know it! And tonight I caught him!"   
  
"Bill, calm down a minute," said Doug firmly. "Start at the beginning. What happened?" Doug sat down behind his desk and settled in for Bill's explanation.   
  
"Well, I was patrolling over on Cedar because there were two tire slashing incidents over there last week and one the week before so I figured whoever it is, well they like the area. And who do I see running across Cedar from 9th? Our friend, Cliff Granger. And he's running like Satan himself is at his heels. So I circled around and got out of the car and intercepted him. I asked him what he was doing and he says 'jogging'! Give me a break! He was running full tilt trying to get away from something. I think that something was crime! He's our tire slasher, I'd bet money on it."   
  
"Maybe, but do we have any actual proof? Because unusual or not, there's no crime in running down the streets of Capeside."   
  
"Are you kidding me?" sputtered Bill, "Did you not see the knife I took from him?"   
  
"Lots of boys carry pocketknives Bill, you know that. Doesn't make them guilty of any crime. Have there been any reports of tires being slashed tonight?" asked Doug.   
  
"Not as yet," answered Bill losing steam.   
  
"Well, if there are any reports, we'll bring Cliff in for questioning. But as of now, we've got nothing to hold him on."   
  
"Sheriff…?"   
  
"Bill, I know you and Cliff have an adversarial relationship that goes way back to that time he and his buddies egged your house…"   
  
Bill interjected, "And my car. And my mailbox. And my boat! And my dogs!"   
  
"But that was over six years ago Bill. He was ten years old. I need you to back off this boy for a while. I know you think he's no good but as long as you keep riding him, he's going to do everything he can to prove you right. So back off and that's an order. If he is the tire slasher, we'll catch him soon enough. Got me?"   
  
"Yeah," answered Bill sullenly. He stood up to go.   
  
"Great, now why don't you head back to your car and finish patrol. I have a feeling it's going to be a long night."   
  
"I heard that," agreed Bill. "I still think he's guilty."   
  
"He may be. Look, I know Cliff's no saint and I'm not saying you're definitely wrong, I'm saying we go by the book. We find the evidence, get the facts right, we uphold the law. We do our jobs."   
  
"Right Sheriff. You're right. I'm sorry I jumped the gun so to speak."   
  
Doug nodded and said; "I'll see you later."   
  
Bill left Doug's office and headed back out front. Doug ran his hand through his hair and considered the situation. From out front he heard:   
  
"Dumb punk!"   
  
"Impotent nazi!"   
  
Sighing, he got up and headed for the front office.   
  
------------------------------------   
  
An hour later and Cliff had been sent home with the understanding that he was to quit goading Office Willis and stay out of his way. Doug assured Cliff that, if he could manage to do these two things, his life would run a lot smoother.   
  
He was finishing up paperwork when he heard the front buzzer. Getting up, Doug wondered who could be stopping by the police station at 8:30pm on a Tuesday night. Folks who needed assistance usually just called, they didn't stop by in person. Surprised, he saw Jack standing on the front stoop. Doug felt a wave of embarrassment wash over him. He hadn't seen or spoken to Jack since that awkward phone call yesterday morning.   
  
Gritting his teeth and smiling, Doug opened the door the door. "Jack! How's 2007 treating you so far?" he asked in a jovial and, he hoped, non-flustered manner.   
  
"Hey Doug. So far, so good I guess. You got a minute?" replied Jack trying not to notice how great Doug looked in his uniform. He was afraid to make eye contact for fear that his admiring gaze would give him away.   
  
As for Doug, he wasn't doing much better. He couldn't help but appreciate how handsome Jack was all windblown and flushed from the cold. Turning away quickly, he said "Sure, come on back to my office. Want some coffee?"   
  
When they both were settled, Jack with a cup of hot coffee, the two men took a minute and just looked at each other. Finally, Doug broke the silence, "So Jack?"   
  
"Doug?"   
  
"Hey, you came to see me," Doug smiled and forced himself to relax in his chair. Just being in the same room as Jack improved his mood.   
  
"Right. So I did," agreed Jack tearing his eyes from Doug's broad shoulders to his strong, beautiful hands. _Stop it Jack!_ He found himself staring at an award plaque on the wall. "Is that new?"   
  
"No," answered Doug a little confused by Jack's unusual behavior. _Why won't he look at me? Is he mad? Is something wrong? _Doug forced himself to ignore the insecure thoughts that filled his mind. "So, is this personal or police business?"   
  
"Uhmm, both actually." Jack forced himself to meet Doug's frank gaze and smiled. "First I wanted to thank you for the invitation to brunch yesterday. I wish I could have taken you up on it…"   
  
"It was just pancakes," interrupted Doug. "I'm sorry I was kind of a jerk on the phone. It was just pancakes. No big deal."   
  
"You weren't a jerk," responded Jack kindly. He felt something inside him soften and grow warm. _He is so sweet!_ Jack told himself.   
  
"I just thought it would be fun, I wanted to see you again." Realizing what he just said, he quickly continued, "And Jen of course. How is she? Back in New York?"   
  
"Yep. She left his morning. She's home safe and sound with Grams."   
  
"How is Mrs. Ryan doing?" asked Doug solicitously.   
  
"Pretty good. Or so they tell me. I don't know. I think she's doing well but cancer can be so sneaky. Sometimes I just feel so far away and out of the loop."   
  
Doug chuckled a little and said, "Jen doesn't strike me as the type to keep things from you Jack."   
  
"Not usually. But still…I guess sometimes I just feel there's something going on neither of them is telling me." Jack shook his head as if to dislodge the negative thoughts, "It's probably just guilt. I should visit more. But this is not why I'm here."   
  
"And why are you here?"   
  
Jack decided that direct and to the point was the best way to go. "Did Officer Willis ever find his gun?" he asked.   
  
"What do you know about that?" Doug was taken aback by the question. He'd done his best to keep the missing police gun under wraps.   
  
"Pacey mentioned it a while back. Did you find it?"   
  
"As a matter of fact, yes we did. It was on top of Bill's refrigerator in his garage. Why? What's this about?   
  
"I had a rather disturbing visit from one of my students today. She told me that Cliff Granger has been boasting about having a gun and threatening to use it. She thinks he's going to hurt himself but I'm afraid he might have it in for some other students. Anyway, I remembered Pacey saying that Bill, Officer Willis, was saying Cliff stole his gun. I figured if that was true, then you ought to know. I'll be talking to the school counselor tomorrow about how to proceed but…man I'm glad he doesn't have that gun." Jack sighed with relief.   
  
Doug's face grew stormy, "Jack, this is serious."   
  
"I'm very aware of that fact Doug. Please note my lack of laughter."   
  
"Just because he doesn't have Bill's gun doesn't mean he hasn't gotten a hold of some other gun…"   
  
"Where would a sixteen year old get a gun in Capeside?" asked Jack incredulously.   
  
"There are ways. Listen, will you let me talk to Cliff before you do anything?"   
  
"Sure, if you think it'll help. I don't really know what to do anyway. Tanya Granger's not really known for her parental involvement…"   
  
"True. I think he and I have a good rapport though. I might be able to help him out." Seeing Jack's quizzical look, Doug explained, "He was in here tonight. Bill tackled him over on 9th thinking he was the tire slasher and drug him in."   
  
"You think he did it?"   
  
"I really don't know, but we certainly had no evidence that said he was guilty. After I sent Bill back on patrol, Cliff and I talked for a while. I think it went pretty well."   
  
"Well, you're pretty easy to talk to," said Jack.   
  
"Not many people would say that Jack."   
  
"You might be surprised Doug."   
  
Doug responded skeptically, "Really?"   
  
"Really." Jack was certain.   
  
The two men looked at each other for a long moment. The air was full of the things they couldn't bring themselves to say out loud. Jack finally broke the spell saying, "I should let you get back to work."   
  
"Actually, I'm just about done here. Are you hungry by any chance? I haven't had dinner and was planning on swinging by the Icehouse and grabbing a bite. I'd enjoy the company if you've got the time."   
  
"I've got the time," said Jack nodding. He was very pleased by the invitation.   
  
"Great! Let me just…" Doug shuffled some papers on his desk into three separate piles, jotted down a quick note and finished, "…all done. Let's go."   
  
Jack stood up and said, "Cool. I'm starving. Any idea what the specials are?"   
  
Doug grabbed his coat and put it on. "I think there's a stuffed halibut something or other tonight. And a red pepper and crab ravioli."   
  
"Crab with a 'c' or with a 'k'?" asked Jack as they headed for the front door. Doug flipped off most of the lights as they went.   
  
"Pacey doesn't use krab with a 'k' in anything. Does he? Please tell me his snooty chef sensibilities wouldn't allow it…"   
  
"Whatever lets you sleep at night Doug. But if I were you, I'd stay away from the krab dip from now on."   
  
"Oh…yuck." They stepped outside, "Geez, it's cold enough."   
  
"Ah, January - what are you gonna do?" Jack shrugged good-naturedly and pulled a hat out of his coat pocket and put it on. "But look how clear it is. You can see a million stars. Wow."   
  
Doug looked at Jack. "Wow is right," he quickly snapped his gaze from Jack up into the night sky. Sure enough, a million tiny lights sparkled down on them. Instinctively his eyes searched out the big and little dippers. Next he found Orion, then Gemini and Canis Major.   
  
"What are you looking at?"   
  
"Canis Major," answered Doug glancing over at Jack.   
  
"Where?" asked an interested Jack.   
  
"See Orion?" Jack just nodded and Doug continued, "Follow the line of Orion's belt this way. See that really bright star? That's Sirius, the Dog Star. It marks the nose of Canis Major. And there's his front legs and his back…" Doug stopped pointing and looked at an obviously baffled Jack.   
  
"Yeah. Sorry you lost me…" grinned Jack.   
  
"Come here," without thinking Doug pulled the younger man close in front of him trying to match up their lines of sight. "There's Orion right?"   
  
Jack almost jumped from the effect of being so close to Doug but he nodded and said, "The three stars in a line right?"   
  
"Right. Now look this way," Doug gestured with his left hand and turned Jack slightly with his right. "See that really bright star? Right there?"   
  
"Uhmm, yeah. Got it." The feeling of Doug's arms almost around him was distracting the hell out of Jack. In a good way. _Too good a way._   
  
"That's Sirius, which is the nose. And there are the front legs. See it now?" Doug's voice was soft and very near Jack's ear.   
  
"I think so."   
  
"If you're not sure then you probably aren't seeing it."   
  
"No, I see it. I do." Quickly before Doug could pull away, Jack spun around and faced him, "Thanks for showing me…"   
  
With Jack facing him, Doug suddenly became aware of how close together they were standing. His breath caught in his throat and he took a small step back. He was both anxious and disappointed to leave his close proximity to Jack. "No problem."   
  
Jack noticed Doug's withdrawal but he didn't press the issue. "You're shivering," Jack noticed.   
  
"Yeah, well, it's cold out here," rationalized Doug smoothly. "I believe someone once said 'Ah, January - what are you gonna do?'"   
  
"Well then, let's go. The best way to beat the cold is to go somewhere warm."   
  
As the two men resumed their walk to the Icehouse, Doug teased Jack, "That's deep Jack. Mighty deep. Why that's almost fortune cookie deep."   
  
Jack laughed, "It's not meant to be deep, it's meant to be true."   
  
"No more cookie wisdom, it's making me hungry for Happy Dragon and they're probably closed by now!" kidded Doug.   
  
"It is easy to want that which you cannot have," intoned Jack mockingly. "We want what comes hard or comes not at all."   
  
Jack and Doug continued bantering back and forth and the short walk to The Icehouse was soon over.   
  
------------------------------------   
  
_Desperate for changing  
Starving for truth  
I'm closer to where I started  
Chasing after you  
  
I'm falling even more in love with you  
Letting go of all I've held onto  
I'm standing here until you make me move  
I'm hanging by a moment here with you  
  
Forgetting all I'm lacking  
Completely and complete  
I'll take your invitation  
You take all of me  
  
Now... I'm falling even more in love with you  
Letting go of all I've held onto  
I'm standing here until you make me move  
I'm hanging by a moment here with you  
  
I'm living for the only thing i know  
I'm running and not quite sure where to go  
I don't know what I'm diving into  
Just hanging by a moment here with you  
  
There's nothing left to lose  
Nothing left to find  
There is nothing in the world that can change my mind  
There is nothing else  
There is nothing else…  
  
Desperate for changing  
Starving for truth  
Closer where I started  
Chasing after you  
  
I'm falling even more in love with you  
Letting go of all I've held onto  
I'm standing here until you make me move  
I'm hanging by a moment here with you  
  
I'm living for the only thing I know  
I'm running and not quite sure where to go  
I don't know what I'm diving into  
Just hanging by a moment here with you  
  
Just hanging by a moment  
Hanging by a moment..  
Hanging by a moment...  
Hanging by a moment here with you..  
  
Hanging By a Moment  
-- By Lifehouse  
  
_ ****

end part 10.


	11. Harbor Hope

**Seek and Go Hide  
part eleven**  
  
"Lastly the PTA would like to thank the school board, Principal Peskin, Sheriff Witter and Jack McPhee, and all the student volunteers for all their hard work in recent weeks setting up Capeside High's new violence prevention and outreach program – Safe Harbor. This is project, conceived by Mr.McPhee, provides students dealing with violence or the threat of violence, both at school and at home, with new resources and tools for getting help. They've all worked some incredibly long hours making this program happen and they've done it in record time. Their commitment to student safety and well-being has been admirable and inspiring. Let's give them a round of applause." 

The audience dutifully complied and clapped politely. Jack smiled from his seat out front and nodded his head acknowledging the crowds support. He glanced over at Doug, who sat on the other side of a radiant Principal Peskin. Jack caught Doug's eye and Doug shrugged almost imperceptivity. Jack knew they were both thinking the same thing – the concerned parents and good citizens of Capeside had no idea how necessary this program really was. Since its official inception February first, Safe Harbor had dealt with issues ranging from bullying to attempted date rape to child abuse. 

Jack had been shocked by how many problems were lurking just beneath the surface of the seemingly well-adjusted and happy student population._ Just goes to show, you never really know what's going on with people,_ thought Jack. 

Finally the meeting was over. It had felt interminable and Jack was famished! Standing up, Jack spoke briefly with a few parents who wanted to offer their congratulations and support. Jack found that one-on-one their support proved more enthusiastic than their tepid applause had indicated. 

Once the crowd had thinned and Jack had extracted himself from the evening's last overly-hearty handshake, he looked around for Doug. They had made tentative plans to grab a bite after the meeting and Jack was more than ready to go eat. He spotted Doug over by the door talking to a brazenly flirtatious Angela Murphy. _What's she doing?_ Jack wondered as he crossed the room.

-----------

Angela reached out and stroked Doug's arm coyly, "So strong **and** so sensitive! Sheriff Witter you are an inspiration! How come I never see you around?" She batted her eyes at him and Doug had to bite his tongue in order not to snicker.

"I'm pretty busy with work and all. Say Angela how's your fiancée?" asked Doug inching away from her. 

Tossing her red hair indignantly, Angela pouted slightly then smiled and said, "Brian and I broke up. I could never marry someone who didn't trust me!"

"Well I'm sure Pacey will be delighted to hear that," lied Doug knowing Pacey didn't really care one way or another if Angela got married.

"Pacey!" spat Angela contemptuously. "Pacey!" Rolling her eyes she said, "Who do you think spilled the beans about New Years Eve to Brian?" Leaning in, she seductively pressed her breasts against Doug and whispered, "You'd never betray a girl like that would you…Doug?" 

"Uhm no, no I wouldn't. But I'm sure Pacey didn't mean to…betray you." _Or did he?_ Doug wondered as he pulled away once again from the clingy girl. _If so, I might not blame him._ But he defended his brother saying, "It must have been an accident."

"So he claims. Your brother's an idiot."

"Well, I'm not historically the person to argue that…"

"But you're no idiot are you Doug? You know what a woman wants don't you? What she needs?"

"Uhmm," Doug didn't quite know what to say. 

"Why don't we get out of here?" Angel purred as she laced her fingers through Doug's and clamped down on his hand.

"So, Doug you ready to get out of here?" Jack's abrupt, oh-so-welcome arrival made Doug want to dance with joy. "I'm sorry. Am I interrupting something?" Jack looked at Doug playfully and waggled his eyebrows at him.

"Oh, no, not at all. Jack you know Angela Murphy right? Pacey's friend." Doug put a lot of emphasis on the last sentence as he extracted his hand from her death grip. 

"Right. Hi. Nice to see you." 

Angela's mouth said, "Hi" but her eyes said, "Whatever." She turned her attention back to Doug and said, "So, Doug, how about it?"

"I'm sorry Angela, Jack and I have a Safe Harbor meeting now."

"At 9:30pm on a Thursday?" she asked incredulously.

"That's how we've gotten so much done so quickly," replied Doug.

"It's a lot of working keeping the children safe," chimed in Jack. "We're very dedicated."

"Obviously," said the tight-lipped red head. Undaunted, she asked, "Well, how about later then? After your meeting?"

Doug knew he needed to squash this here and now otherwise the tenacious woman would keep hounding him until he lost his mind. He looked Angela square in the eye and firmly he said "No. You have a good night." Doug turned and walked out the door leaving Jack to deal with a very shocked, very offended Angela Murphy.

She stood there, staring after Doug, looking annoyed and all but sputtering. Jack didn't know what to say. And frankly, he didn't know if he could say anything without laughing. "Bye," was all he could manage before he turned and left as well.

Out in the parking lot, he found Doug leaning up against his police cruiser waiting for Jack.

"So that was fun," laughed a bemused Jack as he elbowed Doug.

"Fun? For who?" asked Doug disdainfully.

"Oh, for me! Totally fun. Totally. Good times." Jack's eyes danced and sparkled as he teased Doug. 

"Ha Ha."

"So, you and Angela Murphy. What **would** that be like?" Jack put his hand on his chin and assumed an expression of faux thoughtfulness as if intently considering the possibility.

"Shut it Jack. Are you ready to eat or what?" 

Jack let the subject drop and said, "Pizza?"

"Sounds good to me. Let's go."

---------------------------

An hour or so later the two men sat in a booth at Nat's Pizza Parlor. They were laughing and picking at the remains of a large pizza.

"So I asked the girl at the counter how the scones were today and she says 'Do you like a currants? Well more importantly, do you like a cardboard-y aftertaste?' and when I said 'Not really' she said 'Then I'd pass. Have a muffin."

"That was nice of her," said Doug as he picked mushrooms off the last remaining piece of pizza.

Jack nodded in agreement, "I thought so."

The very slight tone of sarcasm in Jack's answer made Doug ask, "How was the muffin?"

"Had a cardboard-y aftertaste."

"Huh. She must not have tried the muffin." Doug shrugged and smiled, "You wanna get another round?" he was having such a nice time that he didn't really want the meal to end.

"You can't really say another round when referring to ice tea – it only works if you're talking about alcoholic drinks. And actually…" Jack looked at his watch and frowned slightly.

Doug saw this and hurriedly said, "It is getting late – do you need to go or call Greg? Will he be worried?" Pacey had informed Doug that Jack had been getting a lot of heat from Greg for not being around much for the last several weeks. Doug could give a crap about Greg but he didn't want Jack to have to deal with more static on his account. 

"No, that's not it. Our relationship isn't like that. I was just thinking I have to work tomorrow. I'm guessing you don't huh?"

"Nope. Big day off." _So big,_ thought Doug to himself, _that I'll probably go see a movie and hang out with my mother for a while. Thrilling. _

Jack interrupted Doug's reverie when he said, "And…we broke up yesterday."

"You and Greg broke…Oh, wow. Uhm, I'm sorry...? Wait yesterday? You broke up on Valentine's Day? That's harsh." 

Jack shrugged, "Well, it turns out that with a little effort, I can be a real jerk." 

There was a pause, "So you broke up with him?" asked Doug trying to keep the excitement out of his voice.

"Yeah," Jack took a drink of ice tea before continuing. Doug just sat there telling himself to remain cool. "I kept waiting for him to break up with me but he just wouldn't do it – which was kind of unexpected to tell you the truth." Jack laughed self-deprecatingly. 

Doug leaned forward on the table and stared intently at Jack. "How come?" he asked. 

"What can I say? I'm a good catch?"

"No...I mean, right, but how come you broke up with him?"

Jack smiled at Doug's inadvertent compliment and replied, "Our relationship was…well, let's just say it wasn't what I wanted." 

"Oh. And what do you want?" Doug's eyes bugged out a little when he realized what he had just asked. _Could I be more obvious? And desperate? And sad?_ Doug berated himself.

"Whoa, this conversation has taken a sharp turn for the heavy!" laughed Jack as he pushed his long empty plate out of his way. 

Immediately chagrinned, Doug retreated and said, "Sorry, it's none of my business." 

"No, no, it's not that. It's just…I'm surprised you're interested." Jack looked at Doug seriously.

Doug looked right back at him and said, "Well, I am." Doug felt himself start to blush but he refused to look away.

"Oh."

"'Scuse me fellas, we were hoping to close up a little early tonight – my kid's got the flu – and well, if you wouldn't mind wrapping it up, I'd sure appreciate it," their waitress gestured to the otherwise empty restaurant and smiled apologetically. 

"Sure"

"Of course."

Both men hastily scrambled for their wallets and Doug said, "Sorry to have held you up Mindy. Guess we didn't realize…"

"No trouble Sheriff and I'm sorry to be kicking you out like this. If the munchkin wasn't sick, you know I'd let you hang out here all night. It helps me study being here when it's all quiet."

"You still taking classes at the community college?" asked Doug as he handed her the money.

"Yeah. I'll get out of this hellhole one day." She laughed and starting making change for them.

"Careful Mindy or I'll tell your Dad you called his place a hellhole!" joked Doug in return.

"Hey I said it with affection!" She handed Doug the change. "Besides I'm pretty sure he already knows how I feel about this place. Here you go.""

"You keep it."

"It's too much!" She tried to hand the money back.

"Just my way of saying 'sorry we slowed you down'. Go on," Doug insisted. Mindy sighed exasperatedly and rolled her eyes. But she smiled and put the money in her pocket.

Jack watched this exchanged with pleasure. Doug had such an easygoing way about him lately. It was good to see. He stood up and put on his coat. "Pizza was great Mindy. As usual."

"Thanks Mr. McPhee." She followed them to the front door and unlocked it for them. "Have a good night. Please come see us again here at Hellhole Pizza." She winked at Doug and gave him a little shove out the door. "Night Sheriff."

Outside, Doug pulled his coat more tightly around him. He felt cold and vulnerable. He looked at Jack and said, "So?"

"So, I should get home."

Doug smiled to hide his disappointment and nodded, "Right. Work tomorrow." 

"Yeah." Jack looked down and shuffled his feet, "But we'll talk soon ok?"

"Sure thing. Night then." 

Doug headed for the cruiser but Jack called after him, "Doug?" He sounded uncertain.

Eagerly, Doug turned around and said, "Yeah?" His breath caught in his throat as he wondered what Jack would say now.

"Can I get a ride? It's freaking freezing tonight."

---------------------------

Later that night as he tried to fall asleep Jack thought about his break up with Greg. He'd gone over to Greg's place for a romantic Valentine's Day dinner – which Greg had insisted upon. When Jack got there, he found Greg had ordered in Mexican food. Styrofoam containers and all. It didn't seem very romantic to Jack and he had said so…

"I thought you liked Mexican food!" huffed an offended Greg.

"I didn't say I didn't like it, I said it wasn't very romantic. It looks like you just ordered something from the place down the street because you couldn't be bothered to do anything else. Or am I missing something?"

Greg just set his jaw and repeated, "I thought you liked Mexican."

Jack sighed and said "Whatever, let's just eat before it gets cold." He took a bite and amended his statement, "Colder."

So dinner hadn't gone very well. And after dinner things got worse. Greg tidied up the remains of dinner and Jack went into the living room and flopped down on the couch. He noticed a pile of stuff on the coffee table and began flipping through it. One of the photos surprised the hell out of him.

When Greg came in, Jack held up the photo and asked mildly, "Hey, what's this?"

"I was going through some old photos and found those – that's an ex-boyfriend of mine from a long long time ago. His name is Toby." Greg took the photo from Jack and looked at it closely. He grinned, "Actually, I bet you would have liked him. He was great." 

"Yeah, I bet," replied Jack a little baffled and truthfully, a lot creep-ed out by the coincidence. It made him more determined to end this charade and end it tonight. "Listen we need to talk…"

Greg sat down next to Jack, "About what sweetie?" He began to nuzzle Jack's neck. "You smell good."

Jack didn't move. "About us," he said curtly.

Greg stopped nuzzling and sat back. All he said was "Oh."

Jack felt his resolve weakening but he knew he had to do this. He steeled himself and said, "I just don't think it's working. I know we've both been trying to…make it work. But it's just not."  
  
Greg looked sad. "You think we're still just chitchat and sex." He said it like a statement not a question.

"Truthfully? Yeah I do." Jack stood up and walked over to the easy chair. He needed some distance if he was going to go through with this. "And I think we both deserve more than this…" he said as he sat back down.

Greg's eyes welled with tears. He looked at Jack angrily and said, "You don't fool me you know…"

Genuinely confused Jack responded, "Fool you? What do you mean?"

"The cop. This is about the cop. You spend all your free time with him." Greg struggled to keep his emotions under control but his voice cracked when he said, "I'm not stupid you know!" 

"Honestly, this isn't about Doug. It's about you and me and the fact that emotionally we don't really connect," Jack said firmly knowing it was true.

Greg quickly got up and moved over to where Jack sat. He knelt on the floor next to the chair and said plaintively, "Is that what you think? 'Cause, I don't know, I feel pretty emotional about you Jack. I feel this." Greg gestured between them. He placed his hand on his heart and moved it to Jack's heart. He repeated the motion and said "I feel this. I feel you Jack!"

Jack took Greg's hand in his and said, "No you don't. Not really."

Greg yanked his hand away, "Don't! Don't tell me how I feel!" Tears ran down his angry face.

Very aware of his own dry eyes and dispassionate manner Jack gritted his teeth and said, "Well then I don't. I don't feel it. I'm sorry Greg."

"Liar!" Greg reached for Jack and forcefully tried to kiss him as if he could prove Jack wrong.

Jack pushed him roughly away and stood up. "Stop it! Stop it! You can't make this into love or passion or even lust!" Jack brusquely put on his coat and found his keys. He continued, "You can't force something to be something it's not and I'm tired of trying!" Jack looked at Greg bitterly. Greg sat on the floor and stared up at him, his mouth agape. Jack's voice softened, "Goodbye Greg. I'm sorry I wasted your time."

Jack walked over to the front door and opened it. From behind him, he heard Greg say "Jack? Jack? Don't. Don't go. Jack?" Jack ignored the desperate pleas and walked out.

"Good luck with your crush on the closeted cliché!" shouted Greg indignantly.

Jack closed the door decisively behind him. By the time he got to his car, he found that he was nearly overwhelmed by the feelings of relief that washed over him. _I should have done this a long time ago._

Lying in his bed, Jack rolled over on to his back and sighed loudly. He knew that by trying to do the right thing by Greg he had made the situation worse. He also knew that he had been hiding behind the relationship. It was a welcome distraction for a while and it kept unwanted questions at bay. Jack had honestly convinced himself that Doug didn't have any romantic interest in Jack. They were friends. Yes, there was chemistry between them but that was all – it wasn't anything Doug wanted to act on. But Doug had made it pretty clear tonight that that might not be the case.

The thought sent chills racing down Jack's spine and tied his stomach in knots. Was simply a matter of trusting his heart and reaching out? He wondered if it could really be that easy. And if it was, then why was he so worried?

---------------------------

**end part 11**  



	12. The Chemisty and The Chance You Need

Doug walked down the recently deserted hallway. Capeside High was quiet but the echo of the busy day and loud students still hung in the air. Doug smiled thinking back to the days when he had been a student here. He'd been a good student of course, John Witter would have accepted no less, and he was well liked; but he had always felt very much on his own. He ran track and field, studied hard, and kept to himself. All in all, high school had been a solitary but not unpleasant experience for Doug. 

His recent return to Capeside High, as a leader of the Safe Harbor program had been surprisingly rewarding; at least so far. He enjoyed getting to know the students, putting faces to names and learning to tell the difference between teenage fact and teenage fiction. Doug didn't mention it to anyone, but he felt he was learning just as much, if not more, than he was teaching.

Speaking of teaching...Doug couldn't help but wonder if Jack was still around somewhere. He hadn't spoken to him since the awkward car ride last Thursday - the night Jack told him that he and Greg had broken up - the night Doug made an obvious, desperate fool out of himself over the news. Why can't I be just a little bit smooth? Doug wondered. The short car ride to Jack's place had been almost comically tense. Neither man knew just what to say. At one point Doug commented how much he liked the song on the radio only to realize a split second later that it was an old Britney Spears song he despised. Jack just looked at him like he was crazy but didn't argue or make a joke about it. They both just sat there uncomfortably as the lyrics filled the car:

_...I'm not a girl/ Not yet a woman/ All I need is time/ A moment that is mine/ While I'm in between/ I'm not a girl/ But if you look at me closely/ You will see it my eyes/ This girl will always find/ Her way/ I'm not a girl..._

When they got to Jack's, Doug put the car in park but didn't turn it off. "So..." began Jack.

"So?" interrupted Doug nervously.

"So, I'll call you. We'll talk more. About..."

"Right. Ok." Doug nodded, "Sounds great."

"Did I tell you? I'm going to New York this weekend. Tomorrow, right after school?" Jack looked embarrassed, as if he had been caught doing something wrong.

Doug continued to nod. He wondered if he could stop nodding. "To see Jen - yeah you mentioned it. Tell her hi for me."

Jack smiled, "I will. Yeah. So, we'll talk when I get back?"

"Sure thing," Doug hoped he didn't sound as anxious as he felt. "When you get back or you know, whenever."

"Great."

"Great"

Jack looked at Doug intently as if he were debating something in his head. It was only a few seconds but it felt like a lifetime to Doug. Finally Jack opened the car door and turned to go. Doug felt bubbles of disappointment well up inside him. He wanted so desperately to say the right thing. He opened his mouth and said, "Don't get mugged Jack. In the city..."

Once again Jack just looked at him like he was totally crazy but all he said was, "I'll do my best." Jack walked up to his house, waved goodbye and disappeared inside.

Doug put the car in reverse and mentally scolded himself for being so incredibly lame. On the radio, Britney continued to mewl, "_All I need is time/A moment that is mine/ While I'm in between/ I'm not a girl/ Not yet a woman._"

Doug couldn't help it, he laughed: at himself, the song, the world, everything that seemed to conspire to make him feel comfortable with being uncomfortable. 

The sharp sound of shattering glass brought Doug back to the here and now. He paused and listened carefully. The sound came again and Doug realized it came from the chemistry lab he had just passed. Shaking his head, he opened the chem. lab door and saw Cliff Granger standing back by the supply shelves. He was obviously holding something behind his back. Several broken test tubes and beakers lay on the floor at his feet.

"Hey Sheriff. I thought that was you I saw walk by," said Cliff uneasily. 

"Startled you did I?" asked Doug. He crossed his arms and leveled his most serious 'You're busted' look at Cliff.

"I'm just helping Mrs. Mulligan clean up the lab..."

"Looks to me like you're making the mess here Cliff."

"Uh, just a little accident," Cliff looked frantically around the room as he tried to come up with a plausible excuse to cover up this latest transgression. He couldn't come up with anything.

Doug pressed his advantage, "You're a sophomore aren't you Cliff?"

"Yes. Sir. Yessir."

"Chemistry's a junior/senior level class isn't it?"

"Well..." Cliff stared at the floor intently and prayed for it to open up and swallow him.

"What's that you've got behind your back son?"

Cliff shifted uneasily and bit his lip, "I...uhmm, it's no big deal..."

"Tell you what, I'll be the judge of that," said Doug sternly. "You put whatever it is on the table here and then go get a broom and start sweeping up that glass."

Quickly, Cliff considered his options - do what the Sheriff said or learn to teleport like right this minute. He sighed and set the jar on the table and went to get the broom from the back of the classroom. As he swept, he kept his attention focused on the glass shards and the floor.

Doug walked across the room and picked up the jar. It was labeled saltpeter. Doug sighed and said, "You don't mind if I look in your bag do you Cliff?" Doug didn't wait for an answer, "Of course you don't. Why would you? You have nothing to hide right?" He picked up the backpack and unzipped it. Sure enough, underneath what could only be Cliff's gym clothes by the smell of things, Doug found a five-pound bag of sugar.

"Let me guess, somebody got the Anarchist's Cookbook for Christmas?"

Cliff looked up surprised, "How did you...?"

"Saltpeter and sugar is the classic smoke bomb recipe. I guess I should be glad you didn't start with pipe bombs..."

"I don't want to hurt anybody! Smoke bombs are just...hilarious and cool and a good way to maybe get out of a Spanish test...or something. Theoretically. I mean, I can't fail that test." Cliff dumped the glass he had swept up into the trashcan and sat down heavily on one of the stools. He looked miserable and totally despondent. 

"Cliff, this sad sack bull isn't going to work on me ok?" Doug sat across from Cliff and eyed him levelly. 

Cliff tried to maintain his woe-is-me posture but it was obvious that the Sheriff wasn't buying it. Grinning sheepishly, he straightened up and said, "Shit Sheriff. I **am** totally going to fail that test. La grande flunko." 

"Ever consider studying?" asked Doug. He had to struggle to keep the sarcasm out of his voice. "And I think it would be 'El flunko grande'." Cliff couldn't seem to stop himself; he rolled his eyes and sighed again. Doug continued, "From what I hear your buddy Olivia Perkins is pretty bueño en español. Ask her to help you out."

"Why would she help me?"

"That girl is a good friend to you Granger. I hope you are at least smart enough to realize that. She thinks you're good people and she believes in you - that's a rare gift. Trust me, you aren't going to get unlimited chances with a girl like Olivia."

Cliff looked ashamed but played it tough, "Whatever. Can I go?"

Doug relented, "Go on, get out of here but listen up - if I hear of one smoke bomb, one stink bomb, anything like that Cliff...you and I are going to have another conversation and it's not going to be nearly as pleasant as this one. This is your last get out of jail free card. Got it?" Doug was absolutely serious and utterly intimidating. 

"Got it." Cliff nodded his head nervously and tried to smile, "I got it. It's gotten. Totally gotten."

Doug leveled his gazed at Cliff and in his most severe tone said, "It had better be. Now get out of here."

As Cliff hurried out of the classroom, Doug smiled. He put the saltpeter away and left a note for Mrs. Mulligan explaining the situation and urging her to lock up some of the more prank-worthy chemicals.

---------

Outside, Cliff marveled at his good fortune. He'd gotten caught yes, but for once, he hadn't gotten into any trouble. A near miss with no punishment, it made a guy feel downright cheerful. Looking around he saw Olivia over at the bike racks fussing with her bike lock. Jauntily he walked over and said, "Perkins, hey, what's up with that wack hat you're sportin'?"

Startled, Olivia looked up and said, "Who says 'wack' these days Cliff? What are you fifty years old?" She self-consciously touched the pink and yellow hat and continued in a small voice, "Besides my Grammy made it for me." Olivia blushed a little bit as she stood up.

"Your **Grammy**?" Cliff's voice dripped with sarcasm and laughter. "Oh, your **Grammy** made it!"

"It's her name!"

"Is that's what it says on her birth certificate? And here I thought Cliff was bad!"

"It's what we call her! It's short for Grandmother. Which you know! And also, shut up!" Olivia yanked her bike from the rack and wondered why she always let Cliff's teasing get to her in the first place. She glared at him. He was a total pain. And she was a total sucker for liking him so much.

Cliff laughed and took a second to admire Olivia's pretty, annoyed-with-him face and long red hair. The pink and yellow knit hat did look really silly and he fought the urge to yank it down over her eyes. 

"Settle down there little miss Huffy McTouchypants! I was just saying hello." He elbowed her jovially. 

"Funny, hello from you sounds a lot like an insult! I'd work on that if you ever expect to get a job let alone keep one!"

Cliff pretended to be offended, "You malign my employment potential? Who's being insulting now? What would Grammy say?"

"Probably something like 'Why don't you punch that half-wit Cliff Granger in the mouth more often?' Yeah, that sounds like her." Olivia tried to keep her voice tough and menacing but it was impossible with Cliff smiling at her like that and he knew it.

"Half-wit huh? My stock seems to be going up! Last week I was a three-eighths wit," teased Cliff. He had known Olivia forever and as far as he was concerned one of the best parts of their friendship was that they both thought he was funny. Not too many people really got Cliff. He was glad that Olivia was one of the few who did. Smart, sweet, tougher-than-she-looked Olivia. "So, what are you doing?"

"I'm going home. Why?"

Leaning back on the nearly empty bike rack, Cliff stretched, put his hands behind his head and said, "Ah, home. Land of muffins, apple cider and the indomitable Alberto Fuzzykins. How's the mouse killer anyway?"

A little perplexed, Olivia squinted at him and asked, "What's up with you? Why are you asking about my cat? Have you been hit on the head?"

"No, no. No new head damage to speak of."

"Are you," she paused and looked him square in the face, "are you drunk?" She sniffed disapprovingly, her nose searching for telltale remains of beer or more likely, Schnapps he had stolen from his mother. She didn't smell anything unusual. 

"No!" Taken aback Cliff repeated, "No. Seriously no. I'm just killing time until you aren't mad at me," confessed Cliff cheerfully. "So how's the family? Read any good books lately? Nice day? How 'bout those Red Sox?"

Olivia rolled her eyes and said, "I'm not mad at you Cliff."

"Really?"

"Really."

"Really, really?"

"Really, really." Olivia confirmed. This was one of those things the two of them had done since the third grade - why settle for one answer when you could get two? "So what do you want?"

"Well, now that you ask, maybe I could use a little help studying for the Spanish test..."

Olivia couldn't help it, she was shocked, "You? Want to study? For a test? Are you sure you haven't been hit on the head Cliff?"

"I know, I know. But hey I can flip a new leaf once in awhile can't I?"

"I guess," answered Olivia but she continued to eyeball him, "It's just weird is all."

"Tell me about it. But you'll help me? Even though it's probably a hopeless task?"

"Un trabajo muy desesperado," laughed Olivia.

"Huh?"

"A very hopeless task," translated Olivia helpfully. But she relented, "Come on." She started walking toward home and motioned for Cliff to follow.

Relieved, he stood there for a second and watched his friend push her vintage three-speed bike away from the school. He wished he was more like her - she was so cool in a totally dorky way that was all her own. 

"Getting cold feet Cliff?" called Olivia over her shoulder but she kept walking.

Smirking, Cliff ran to catch up saying, "There will be muffins at your house won't there? Otherwise I might not bother..." As he caught up, he gave into an earlier impulse and yanked Olivia's hat down over her eyes and ears. She screeched and he laughed and felt better than he had in weeks.

---------

Jack sat at his desk grading papers. He had gotten exactly none of them graded while in New York City visiting Jen and Grams and so he was trying to get caught up. The trip had been enjoyable but Jen had seemed preoccupied about something. Twice Jack and caught Jen and Grams huddled together whispering furtively. Whatever it was, Jack hadn't been able to pry it out of either one of them. They claimed it was girl talk, female plumbing issues and nothing for him to worry about. Jack wanted to believe them but he didn't - not completely. 

"Hey Jack. You busy?" a soft voice interrupted his train of thought. He smiled and looked up to see the very welcome sight of Doug standing in the doorway of his classroom. Doug looked remarkably handsome and imposing in his uniform. As usual. He also looked a little bit nervous. Also as usual.

"Hey! Hi! I am yeah. But on come in...if you've got a minute."

Doug walked in and sat down. He noticed Jack's rumpled hair, the chewed up pen he held and the piles of papers on his desk and said, "Can't you just give everybody a C and call it a day?" His eyes twinkled at Jack.

Jack's smile deepened and he felt himself unwind a little. "Hardly seems fair, but it's tempting."

"How was the trip?"

"Good. Great. We went to a great new Italian place around the corner from Jen's apartment. Of course we went there five times in the two days I was there so if I don't see another lasagna for awhile that'd be great." Jack was aware he was starting to ramble. He wondered if Doug had thought about him half as often as he had thought about Doug in the past three days. Jack knew that they were on the edge of something big and real, and that was as scary as it was intriguing. Jack had come to terms with the fact that he wanted Doug - very much - and that Doug was interested as well. But desire wasn't the whole issue. Far from it. He knew both of them were very fragile albeit in very different ways. There seemed to be a lot of ways for things to go wrong and plenty of ways for them both to get hurt.

"How is Jen?" 

Doug's question brought Jack out of his reverie, "She's great but, anxious you know? And a little petrified. Suffering the occasional freak out." He smiled as he remembered her dithering about what to with the nursery:

_"Pink? Or is it too girly? Or is it sexist for me to think pink is girly? It is! I mean, what's wrong with girly anyway? It's not an insult. She's a girl! What about yellow? Wait, I hate yellow - it's too vehemently cheerful. Too in-your-face happy. No yellow! Cross yellow off the list! Or does that mean I'm dooming my little girl to a lifetime of depression and melancholy? Uncross yellow. Peach? Green? Not green. Aqua? White? Is white too stark? Or is it modern and hip? What about pink? Do you think pink is too girly Jack? Can we go get lasagna?"_

Her inability to decide meant they got nothing at all done. And technically that's why he had made the trip. But he had been more than happy to leave the painting and such for another weekend. 

"When's the baby due?" asked Doug.

"The doctor says April 5th - give or take."

Doug's eyes widened, "Wow, that's soon. It's like six weeks right? No wonder she's freaking out. I'd be freaking out too."

"You? The calm, the capable Sheriff Witter? I seriously doubt it," scoffed Jack. 

"You're right - what's so hard about being a parent? It's probably a snap figuring it all out. Mine were picture perfect after all. Yours too right? And Jen's - she thinks her parents were textbook terrific I bet. And being a single parent - even easier - no one to hash things out with, no one to argue with, and no one to get in your way. Piece of cake."

Doug's droll sense of humor made Jack laugh, "Yeah, yeah, point proven. I guess none of us grew up with the best parental role models."

"And yet, we all turned out great," said Doug.

"Well, we turned out anyway. That's something," replied Jack. For a moment he let himself get lost in the ocean of Doug's blue eyes just to see what it felt like.

For his part, Doug held Jack's ardent gaze, but all too quickly he felt his throat tighten and the blood rush to his face. Abashed, he stood up and said, "Ok, well I should let you get back to work." Doug's heart was beating like crazy and it made him feel lightheaded and giddy but he played it cool.

Jack did too, "Yeah, I really want to try and get this done tonight." He shuffled the piles of papers in front of him.

Doug nodded sympathetically, "Good luck." He hesitated and found himself fighting the urge to touch Jack. He wanted to push back his hair or just lay a hand on his shoulder or something. Instead he forced himself to walk towards the classroom door. His feet seemed very unwilling. 

Jack watched him go and knew he couldn't leave it at that. "Hey Doug?"

Doug turned around and eagerly said, "Yeah Jack?"

For a minute Jack felt his confidence falter but he swallowed his uncertainty and casually asked, "You wanna go see a movie Saturday night? Or get dinner? With me?"

Doug felt his face open up in a huge grin but he compelled himself to respond with a relaxed, "Sure, that sounds fun."

Jack delighted in Doug's beaming smile and said, "Great, I'll call you later and we'll figure it out."

"Sure. Great. Ok, I'll see you later." Doug didn't move - he kept smiling at Jack.

Jack smiled back, "See ya."

"Don't work too hard," advised Doug sagely. He remained standing in the door of the classroom, his stubborn feet resolute. 

"Don't worry, I won't. I'm not all that type A really."

"Ok. Well, bye."

"Bye."

With that Doug's stubborn feet let go and started moving. As he walked down the dark hall, Doug did a playful little skip. From the classroom, he heard Jack's voice call after him, "I'll call you!"

Without thinking about it, Doug heard himself holler back, "You better!" The words reverberated off the empty walls but Doug didn't care; he merely laughed and headed out the door.

---------

_There's a place I dream about  
Where the sun never goes out  
And the sky is deep and blue.  
Won't you take me there with you._

Ohhh, we can begin again.  
Shed our skin, let the sun shine in.  
At the edge of the ocean  
We can start over again.

shaa nah nah nah nah nah nah  
sha nah nah  
sha nah nah  
shaa nah nah nah nah nah nah  
sha nah nah  
sha nah nah

There's a world I've always known  
Somewhere far away from home  
When I close my eyes I see  
All the space and mystery

Ohhh, we can begin again  
Shed our skin, let the sun shine in  
At the edge of the ocean  
We can start over again

sha nah nah nah nah nah nah  
sha nah nah  
sha nah nah  
sha nah nah nah nah nah nah  
sha nah nah  
sha nah nah

Oohhh, we can begin again  
Shed our skin, let the sun shine in  
At the edge of the ocean  
We can start over again

At the edge of the ocean  
we can start over again

sha nah nah nah nah nah nah  
sha nah nah  
sha nah nah  
sha nah nah nah nah nah nah  
sha nah nah  
sha nah nah

Edge of the Ocean  
by Ivy

**Author's note: I want to thank everyone *again* for their patience and dedication. And I want to apologize for the long delay between updates. I'm always doing that aren't I? Well, I just want you to know that I really do try to get the updates done as fast as I can. Sometimes it just seems the fates are working against me. I've got some good stuff coming up and I'm excited to write it so hopefully things will go smoothly and the updates will come quickly. Please hang in there! I really do appreciate it! You guys are a great audience.**

---------


	13. Reality and A Sucker Punch

****

Seek and Go Hide  
Part thirteen

Doug sat at his desk and cheerfully contemplated the stacks of completed paperwork. He'd been steadfastly working at it all morning but finally, it was all done and he was all caught up. _I've earned my lunch break today,_ thought Doug with a smile. 

His intercom buzzed and Marie said, "Sheriff, Jack McPhee on line two for you."

"Thanks Marie," said Doug as he picked up the phone. "Hey Jack. What's up?"

"Not much, I've got a minute before my next class so I thought I'd call." Jack continued, "About Saturday."

"Right. What did you have in mind?" asked a pleased Doug.

"Well, we could grab dinner. Or we could go see a movie. Or we could go crazy," Jack paused dramatically, "and do both - dinner and a movie. What do you think?"

Doug found himself nervously nodding into the phone, "Sounds good to me." 

"Which?" asked Jack warmly.

"All of it."

"Cool. How about I pick you up at 7:30?"

"Ok. Hey Jack..." 

"Yeah?"

"Is it..?" Doug heard a bell go off in the background, "Never mind. Go teach your class."

"Yeah, time and The Odyssey wait for no man. See ya!"

"Bye." Doug hung up the phone and wondered about the tight, sick feeling in his stomach. If he didn't know better, he would have thought he didn't want to go. _Of course I want to go. I just need some lunch. It's late,_ thought Doug.

Standing up, he stretched for a minute. Doug told himself that sitting at a desk for five hours straight would make anybody stiff and sore and that he wasn't getting old. He also mentally made a note to go to the gym tonight after work. From out front he heard laughter and decided to see what was going on.

As he walked down the hall, Doug became aware of the topic of conversation between Marie and Officers Willis and Hamilton. Slowly he came to a stop and he felt all the air leave his body. He didn't want to eavesdrop but suddenly he didn't have a choice.

The three of them were laughing over what had just been said. "Good one Bill!" exclaimed Carl Hamilton. Marie was wiping tears of laughter from her eyes.

"Here's another one! Ok, ok, what do a fag and an ambulance have in common?" Bill didn't wait for anyone to answer, "They both get loaded from the rear and go whoo-whoo!" As he said "whoo-whoo" in a high voice, Bill flapped his hands, batted his eyes, and shook his hips from side to side. Everyone cracked up.

Doug just stood there. These were good people and they didn't mean any harm but that fact didn't make Doug feel any better. He cleared his throat loudly and said, "What's going on here?"

All three looked startled but Bill recovered quickly. "We're just having a little fun Sheriff."

"So I gathered. But telling offensive jokes? Making fun of people? I expect better from you Bill," Doug's anger and disappointment were obvious.

"I wasn't making fun of anybody..." insisted Bill.

"No, you were making fun of an entire group of people. Explain how's that better. More importantly, what got you started telling gay jokes just now?" Doug crossed his arms and stared at Bill.

Bill didn't say anything. Neither did Carl or Marie.

"I'll bet it was because Jack McPhee called huh? He's a friend of mine, which you know. And more importantly, he's a respected member of this community. He deserves your respect, not your bigoted ill-mannered contempt."

Finally Carl spoke up, "We didn't mean no disrespect Sheriff. It was just a joke..."

"I know that Carl, but the thing is, jokes like that...well. We don't tell racial or ethnic jokes here do we? No, we don't, because that fosters an environment where skin color matters more than who the person is. Same goes for homophobia, and I don't want to hear it."

Marie, Carl and Bill all had the decency to look embarrassed. They silently nodded their agreement. Then Marie spoke quietly, "One of my cousins has a theory that the more time you spend with homosexuals the more likely you are to become gay. Do you think that's so?"

"It's not contagious Marie," answered Doug patiently.

"But it makes sense if you think about it," said Bill pensively. "How many kids left Capeside and became gay once they hit the big city? There's Claire Daily she moved to New York, Jim Murano went to Chicago..."

Carl chimed in, "Louis Emerson - he went to San Francisco - he had no chance. That town's full of them queers and they're always recruiting."

Confronted with so much ignorance Doug didn't know what to say, "You ever think maybe these kids were gay when they left Capeside?" was the best he could do.

"Nah, they were raised right."

"He's right Sheriff, they do all come from good families," agreed Marie forthrightly. "So if my cousin's theory is true, well then shouldn't you be careful how much time you spend with Mr. McPhee? I mean the students never spend enough time with him one on one so they're safe. Probably."

Her sincerity was breaking Doug's heart. He sighed and heard himself say, "Hanging out with Jack is not going to make me gay."

"Well, you better watch your back," snickered Carl. Seeing Doug's tense face he immediately apologized, "Sorry." Carl couldn't manage to keep all the sarcasm out of his voice.

"What exactly do you have against gay people Carl?"

"I haven't got anything against them. I just don't trust them is all. They're, you know, sneaky, kind of abnormal and weak, like effeminate. And come on who wants to kiss a guy? It's not natural!" Carl guffawed in an attempt to lighten the mood. 

"Funny I heard your wife saying something along those lines the other day," snapped Doug. The others laughed thinking he was joining in on their fun. Doug didn't know what to do. Somehow their genuine ignorance was more disturbing than the cruel, mean spirited jokes. He felt the knots in his stomach tighten. He wished more than anything that he hadn't walked in on this conversation. _Sneaky. Abnormal. Weak._ Each word felt like a punch in the solar plexus. All he wanted right now was to get out of the station and away from these people. People he liked; people he thought he knew. "I'm going to get lunch. I'll be back in an hour."

As he left the station house, Doug heard them murmuring among themselves. Right before the door closed, he heard Carl say, "So, one more: what do you call a queer dinosaur? A Megasorass." The muffled laughter seemed to follow him down the steps and out on to the sidewalk.

-----

Pacey stood behind the bar at the Ice House chatting amiably with the late-lunchers. He glanced at the clock and wondered where Doug was. He had spoken to his brother the night before and Doug had said he'd be by for lunch. And here it was, almost 2:30 and Doug hadn't turned up yet. It was very unlike his typically reliable big brother.

-----

Instead of heading over to the Ice House per his earlier plans, Doug found himself making a beeline for the gym. Once there, he changed into the extra workout clothes he kept in his locker. A few folks tried to make small talk but quickly discovered that Sheriff Witter was in no mood for chitchat. 

Angry as he was, Doug still took a few minutes to warm up. As soon as he was done, he focused on the red punching bag hanging in the corner of the weight room. He started out slowly but before long he was beating the crap out of the bag and breathing hard. Pop! Wham! Whoomp! Jabs, hooks, and uppercuts flew fast and furious for about ten minutes until Doug just about fell over from the sustained effort. Doug stopped and took a long drink from his water bottle. He bent over at the waist and tried to catch his breath. He felt spent and now that it was all over, he really wished he had his bag gloves on. His hands instantly hurt like hell and he knew the pain was going to get worse before it went away.

Doug wiped the sweat dripping from his face and got down on the floor to do some crunches. Drained as he was, he still wasn't ready to quit. After 50 fast crunches, Doug allowed himself a moment to lie on the floor and stare at the ceiling. All too soon the words came back to him _Sneaky. Abnormal. Weak._ Only instead of hearing Carl saying it, he heard his father, John Witter deliver the slurs. _Sneaky. Abnormal. Weak. Faggot. Queer._ Doug forced himself to get up. He headed for the pool and hoped that doing a few laps might finish him off and banish the hateful words from his mind.

-----

Later that night, Doug sat on his couch watching TV and icing his hands. The rest of his day had been uneventful and he felt like he had sleepwalked through it. Both Bill and Marie had apologized again and said they hadn't meant anything by their comments. Carl was out on patrol so Doug was spared having to witness another halfhearted apology from him. That, at least, was good.

Doug glanced up at the clock and was surprised to see it was already 10:30pm. Where had the night gone? Sighing, he got up and went into the kitchen. He threw the blue gel ice packs back in the freezer and practiced flexing his hands. Ouch. He was startled out of his thoughts when the phone rang.

"Hello?" he answered none too cheerfully and tried to hold the phone between his shoulder and ear.

"Dougie! You're a little late for lunch bro." Pacey's happy, loud voice filled Doug's ears and made his head ring.

"Pacey, quit shouting! And don't call me bro, little bro."

Doug heard a semi-muffled Pacey shout, "Corey, turn down the music wouldya?" Then in a more normal voice, "Sorry Doug, didn't realize it was so loud. So what's going on?"

"Nothing," answered Doug tersely.

"Fun, fun," enthused a sarcastic Pacey. "I thought you were coming by for lunch today?"

"Well, I didn't you moron," snapped Doug. He didn't know why he was being so short with Pacey other than old habits died hard. Lashing out at Pacey had practically been a sport for Doug for a good number of years.

"Well, I know that you ass," Pacey barked back. He calmed himself down and said, "Jesus Dougie, what's wrong with you?"

"Nothing."

"Obviously that's not true. Look I'm just closing up - why don't you come over? We can talk."

"I don't want to talk."

"Well then, come over and have a drink. And before you say you don't want a drink, let me tell you - from the sound of things, you need one."

There was a pause while Doug thought about it. Finally he answered, "Fine. I'll be there in a few minutes."

"Oh goodie! I can't wait!" said Pacey sardonically. He laughed when he realized he was talking to a dial tone.

----------

"So you have a date!" exclaimed Pacey. "That's great." He saw Doug whip around to see if anybody was listening. "Cool your jets Doug. The only people here are two very self-involved teenagers, you and I. And trust me, they don't care what we are talking about. Here, I'll show you." Pacey walked to the other end of the bar and called out, "Corey!" When he got no response, he called louder, "Hey Corey?" Still there was no response so Pacey bellowed, "Corey Morris - front and center!"

From the back of the restaurant came the sound of laughter and hustling feet. "Sorry boss, I guess I didn't hear you."

"I guess not," agreed Pacey as he gave Doug an I-told-you-so look. "Did you scrub out the kitchen trash cans yet?"

"Urg," Corey made a grossed-out face and said, "do I have to do that tonight?"

"No. I just asked you about it because I love having this conversation with you." Seeing Corey's baffled look Pacey clarified, "Yes, you have to do it tonight. Hop to."

Doug laughed into his scotch and Corey shuffled away and opined, "Fine. I'll be out back. In the freezing cold." Corey looked back woefully at Pacey. If he was looking for mercy, there was none forthcoming. But he wasn't the type of guy to just shut up and so he continued his grousing, "Performing slave labor. In a dark parking lot. Late, Late at night. And I forgot my gloves..." He disappeared into the kitchen.

"You said 'hop to'! Just like Dad," Doug chuckled. "Hop to!"

"So about this date of yours," said Pacey smoothly changing the subject. 

"It's not a date," responded Doug dully. "We're just having dinner and seeing a movie."

"Dougie, "Pacey smiled kindly at his older brother, "I know it's been awhile for you, but that's customarily what people do on a date. Especially a first date. Dinner and/or a movie and/or bowling and/or oral sex. Those are the traditions. And they are good."

"Then apparently you and I had a date when we went and saw Starsky & Hutch 2 and had dinner at Hattie's Crab Shack over in Newport last weekend."

"Dougie! Do not go there! Don't ever go there!" exclaimed a horrified Pacey but his eyes were twinkling with mirth.

"Jack and I...we're just...hanging out. It's no big deal. It's not a date." Doug didn't know who he was trying to convince - Pacey or himself. 

"It's not huh?"

Doug drank the rest of the scotch in his glass and sighed, "I don't think so." He gingerly made a fist and winced but he wouldn't look at Pacey.

"Oh, ok." Pacey had noticed Doug's swollen hands and dejected attitude from the moment he had walked into the Ice House. Pacey was dying to know who had been on the other end of Doug's fists but clearly Doug wasn't going to talk about it tonight. Pacey figured it was better not to press the issue. Maybe he'd have a talk with Jack and see what he had to say. 

-----

The next night, Pacey went over to Jack's place. The two friends played video games and ate far too much pizza. Just like the old days.

Pacey and Jack were in the middle of a fierce battle in Halo 3 at when Jack nonchalantly asked, "Did Doug tell you he and I are going out on our first date?"

Pacey was concentrating on the screen and answered without thinking, "He said it wasn't a date."

Jack looked away from the TV and stared at Pacey, "He did?" The confusion was evident in his voice but Pacey was too involved in the game to pay attention.

"He wasn't sure. Look out for that...dude you're so splattered!" Pacey looked up from the game and it finally dawned on him that Jack was upset by what he had said. "Jack?"

"Well if Doug doesn't think it's a date then I guess it's not." Jack put down his joystick and walked into the kitchen. He grabbed two beers and came back and sat heavily on the sofa. "It's not a date," he bitterly repeated. "Fine."

Pacey paused the game and took the second beer from Jack, "But it was?" he asked.

Jack answered with a brusque, "No." 

Pacey wasn't going to let it go that easily. "But it was?" he reiterated.

"I don't know," was all Jack could say.

-----

When he got home Pacey felt obligated to call Doug and let him know what had been said. _He's going to be pissed,_ thought Pacey even as he dialed Doug's number. _Why do I get involved in these things? It's always a bad idea._

Doug picked up on the fourth ring, "Pacey, it's after midnight." Doug's voice sounded husky with sleep, "A lot after midnight."

Pacey figured he better get right to the point and blurted out, "Jack thought it was a date." Pacey could hear Doug sit up in bed.

"He did? Wait, thought - past tense?" 

"Well, I told him you didn't think it was..." Pacey winced waiting for Doug's reply.

"What?"

Pacey rushed to get the rest of it out before he lost his nerve, "And he said if you didn't think so then it wasn't..."

All Doug said was, "Oh."

"But it was. A date." Pacey felt it was important that he make that clear.

"So what is it now?" wondered Doug.

"I have no idea," was all Pacey could say.

-----

_

_

Save me from the dark of night  
I'm drifting like a satellite  
Miles from understanding  
Where this love will lead  
Heaven let your light fall down on me

Now I'm over-thinking  
Love can't be this hard  
We seem to be spinning worlds apart

Sometimes truth is hard to touch  
We give too little, expect too much  
Promises forever hiding in our eyes  
Worlds of chances passing by

Now I'm over-thinking  
Love can't be this hard  
We seem to be drifting worlds apart

You could wait forever  
Lord I can't do that  
Spend a lifetime looking back

Now I'm over-thinking  
Love can't be this hard  
We seem to be spinning worlds apart

You could wait forever  
Lord I can't do that  
Spend a lifetime looking back

Now I'm over-thinking  
Ooh, yeah yeah yeah  
Love can't be this hard  
Yeah yeah yeah...  
We seem to be spinning worlds apart

-- Worlds Apart  
by Jude Cole


	14. Next Time, Next Time

**Seek and Go Hide  
part fourteen**

Jack stood staring at the buzzer. This didn't make sense. Once again he pressed the button; this time he held it down for a few seconds. Once again there was no response. Puzzled, he shoved his hands in his coat pockets and turned to look at the street. The rain that had been falling all day had finally let up but it was still bitterly cold. Jack stomped his feet to keep warm and looked up and down the street. He glanced at his watch - 7:49pm. He'd been late, yes, but not terribly so. A car drove by and Jack watched it expectantly but it didn't stop. He looked back at the buzzer, then at the street, and then at his watch again. He crossed his arms and bit his lip and stared up at the sky. After a minute he shook his head and pulled out his cell phone. First he called Doug's home number and as expected, got the machine. He didn't bother to leave a message. Next he called Doug's cell phone. It immediately went to voicemail, which meant the phone was turned off. Again Jack hung up without leaving a message. He had gotten a voicemail from Doug the day before that confirmed their plans so Jack was sure Doug wasn't standing him up. Pretty sure anyway.

As he stood shivering in front of Doug's building, Jack thought back to the "date/not a date" confusion earlier in the week. He'd been upset by Pacey's announcement but after some thought Jack realized he didn't really care what he or anyone called it. What mattered was that he and Doug were going to spend time together. Alone. No Greg, no Pacey, no work talk. To Jack that sounded like a date, but if Doug was freaked out by the term date, so be it, it wasn't a date. What was important was that it was happening. 

Only now it wasn't. He looked at his watch again - 8:06pm. _Am I going to stand here freezing my ass off all night? _wondered Jack. He figured he should leave, go home and wait for Doug to call and explain. But still he stood there. Softly the rain began to fall once more.

Jack became mesmerized by the quiet, the rain, the streetlights. Occasionally a car would coast by and Jack would anxiously watch it. But they never stopped. Minutes ticked by. What at first looked like a large cat but turned out to be a raccoon scampered across the street and into a bush. _I'm the only one who doesn't have sense enough to come in out of the rain,_ thought Jack with a wry smile.

Eventually a car turned down the street and headed toward Jack. He squinted in the glare of the headlights and was surprised when, instead of driving by, the car pulled up to the curb and parked. Jack, hidden for the moment by shadow and darkness, watched Doug climb out of the car. Even at this distance, Jack could tell he was weary and soaking wet. Jack stepped out into the light and said lightly, "Enjoying the indulgent glory of making me wait around?"

"Jack?" Doug thought he was too tired to be surprised and yet the sight of Jack standing in front of him took him aback.

Up close, Jack could see that on top of everything else, Doug was splattered with mud and had a bandage on his left hand. "What in the world happened to you?"

"I'm sorry. I'm late. I should have called. It's Saturday. I'm so sorry..." Doug looked and sounded so worn out and befuddled that Jack's heart immediately went out to him.

"Don't worry about that! What happened?"

"An old storm drain collapsed under Route 6 at the edge of town. It created a sinkhole. It was pretty bad. A car got pulled down. I was the first one at the scene...a family..." Doug's eyes glazed over at the memory.

"Jesus! Was everyone ok?"

"Yeah, just minor injuries but it was intense. I had to smash out a window to pull an eight-month-old baby out of the back seat. That's how I did this..." Doug held up his bandaged hand.

"Wow," was all Jack could say.

"Yeah. You know what? I'm beat. I'm not really up to going out but..."

"Right. Sure, I'll get out of your way..."

"No, what I was going to say is - if you can hang out while I take a shower and get cleaned up we could go grab a bite over at the Ice House. If you want..."

"I'd like that."

"Great." Doug smiled warmly at Jack and joked, "So you wanna wait down here then?"

"Uhm, no. I've had enough of your front stoop tonight."

"Well, come on then," said Doug. He unlocked the door and walked inside gesturing for Jack to follow.

Once they got upstairs, Doug told Jack to make himself comfortable and headed immediately for the shower. Humming softly to himself, Jack poked around the kitchen and decided to make some coffee. He figured Doug could probably use a cup or two and it would be just the thing to warm himself up after his forty-five minutes of standing in the rain. 

He found the coffee beans and threw some in the grinder. As soon as the machine stopped whirring, he heard Doug call out, "Jack? Hey Jack?"

"Yeah Doug? I'm just making some coffee..." Jack walked over to the bathroom door so he wouldn't have to shout. The door was just barely open and steamed poured out.

"That sounds great. Hey, could you grab me the shampoo in the linen closet? It should be on the third shelf, next to the washcloths and behind the fabric softener."

"Sure thing, hang on," Jack opened the closet door and sure enough, there was the shampoo right where Doug said it would be. "Here you go," he said to the crack in the bathroom door. 

Doug's strong, wet arm reached out and took the bottle from Jack. "Thanks a lot," said Doug as he quickly shut the door. Jack smiled at Doug's modesty and for a brief moment allowed himself to contemplate the image of Doug in the shower. Rippling muscles, damp hair, smooth skin - it was a little too much for Jack so he forced himself to return to the kitchen and the coffee. 

Soon the water was boiling. Jack let it cool a bit, poured it into the press pot and let it steep. As he sat at the kitchen table flipping though the paper, he remembered he hadn't shut the linen closet and so went to do that. Jack knew that snooping wasn't really all that cool, but he couldn't help it. He took a look around. It was pretty typical stuff - towels, extra toilet paper, laundry stuff, blankets, a few mystery boxes. But there, on the bottom shelf, was something rather unexpected. Jack pulled it out and took it into the living room. He set it on the couch and went back to the kitchen to finish up the coffee.

When Doug came out he was wearing khakis and a faded blue t-shirt. His hair was damp and he looked considerably less exhausted than he had twenty minutes ago. Jack handed him a cup of coffee, which Doug gratefully accepted. "Hmmm, thanks. This is just what I needed." He smiled at Jack, "Hope I didn't take too long." He inhaled the steam and took a drink, "Good coffee."

Jack noticed the fresh bandage on Doug's hand as well as a number of butterfly bandages that ran up the inside of his left arm. "So, you wanna tell me what happened?"

"Ah, there's not much to tell," maintained Doug as he sat down at the kitchen table. When he saw Jack's half stunned, half annoyed face he laughed, "Ok, ok, maybe there's a little to tell."

"I'm all ears," said Jack as he sat down. He sipped his coffee and waited. 

"Well, I was out on patrol and it was getting close to quitting time and I got a call that said a car was stuck out on Route 6 and needed assistance;" 

_ "911. What is your emergency?"  
"Our car's stuck in the road."_

"I figured ditch or something. I didn't expect to find a car jackknifed in the middle of the road. It was in a sinkhole. And it was getting larger by the second. The car...well it was sliding deeper and deeper down. The driver appeared to be unconscious and there were two kids in the car. The older kid had been the one to call 911. She's only six. Her name is Peggy." 

_"What's your name?"  
"Peggy."  
"Peggy do you know where you are?"  
"We're going home from Grandma's. She made spice cake!"  
"Where's your dad sweetie?"  
"He's here but he's sleeping."  
"Alright, you sit tight. We've locked in on your gps phone signal so someone will be out there real soon. You stay in the car ok? And stay on the phone with me."  
"Ok. How come do ya think the radio stopped working?"_

"As soon as I got there, I called for back up and an ambulance. I wanted to get down to the car but knew I had to set out some flares to make sure no one else drove into this mess. Fortunately that road was pretty deserted. Thank god it wasn't Regatta season or the traffic would have been a nightmare! I hastily set the flares and climbed down to the car...the hole was probably close to twelve feet deep at that point and it was still...sinking. The pavement kept collapsing as the hole widened. I got the seven year old out of the car; she wasn't scared at all. Her father, he'd banged his head on the steering wheel I guess and was groggy and disoriented, but he came around."

_ "Sir? Sir are you all right?"  
"Wha? What happened?"  
"There's been an accident sir. I need to get you out of the car."  
"My kids... are they ok?"  
"They're fine. Look Peggy's right here."  
"Daddy the car's in a big hole!"  
Sir, I need you to take your daughter and get up to the road. Can you do that?"  
"The baby...?"  
"I'll take care of the baby, don't worry. Just get your daughter out of this hole. It's not stable."_

"The baby was in the backseat, in a car seat, a rear facing car seat, which is right but made it hard to get to, and then the back doors wouldn't open, and the car was dead so I couldn't get the windows down. The baby was screaming by that point...which is much better than an unconscious baby but the screaming...it creates a sense of urgency you know? I broke the window out with a hunk of cement. But I wasn't paying enough attention and gouged my palm pretty good. And then as I was pulling the baby out, I cut the inside of my arm up on a piece of jagged glass. Luckily the ambulance had arrived and was working on the Dad by that point. Peggy and the baby weren't hurt. It was a miracle Jack, I looked back and the hole which had maybe been twelve feet across and maybe eight feet deep when I got there, well it had to be like thirty-five feet across and fifteen or sixteen feet deep. It was crazy. It just swallowed that car. And the road. The ambulance guys looked at my arm and patched me up. But I still had to organize roadblocks and detours. I called the County and Water Management, the mayor...it's such a mess."

_ "Nasty cut Sheriff. Lucky you didn't hit the basilic vein. You ought to come to the hospital and have it looked at though. A few stitches might be in order."  
"I'll be fine."  
"That's your call sir. Could you sign this then?"_

"I hung around for a while but there wasn't much for me to do after that. I talked to one of the water management guys and his guess was an old storm drain had collapsed. But they'll be investigating it for the next couple of days to be sure. I can't even guess how long it's going to take them to fix the road."

"Well, I guess that's a pretty good reason for being late to meet me," said Jack good-naturedly. He had listened to the story with a mixture of admiration and apprehension. He had interjected a few 'uh-huhs' and 'reallys' but mostly he had just listened. Even in a quiet town like Capeside, it was obvious Doug still had a pretty dangerous job. The thought of Doug getting hurt or possibly killed filled Jack with a sick slow dread. 

"I am sorry Jack," repeated Doug earnestly. "There was so much going on and I didn't even think..."

"Don't apologize Doug!" Jack shook his head and smiled, "It's your job. And it can get intense. You can't know when something like this is going to happen. Believe me, I get that. So don't worry about it. I'm just glad you're ok. It couldn't have been safe scrambling around inside an volatile sinkhole."

"I wouldn't recommend it as a hobby that's for sure," said Doug as he thought back to the unsettling feeling of having the ground deteriorate beneath him with every step he took. 

"So hero, you ready to go get something to eat?" asked Jack as he stood up and took the coffee cups into the kitchen. He rinsed them out and set them in the sink.

"Absolutely," answered Doug with a grin. "Let me just go finish getting dressed." He went back to his bedroom and pulled on a black sweater and some socks. Looking in the mirror, he chuckled at his somewhat scruffy appearance. He ran a comb through his hair and tucked in the t-shirt so it didn't hang out from under the sweater and grabbed a belt. He was just buckling it as he entered the living room where he found Jack sitting on the sofa.

"Hey Doug, what's this?" asked Jack as he gestured to the object next to him.

"That Jack, is commonly called a guitar."

"Is it yours?"

"No, I rent out storage in my linen closet for unused musical instruments. Haven't you seen my ads in the Penny Saver? Of course it's mine. Doing a little snooping were you?"

"Not snooping, merely observant. I saw it when I got the shampoo for you. You play?"

"No!" exclaimed Doug embarrassed. "Well, I mean, I play for me. It's just a hobby. I find it relaxing. But I don't harbor any American Idol dreams if that's what you mean. I...it's a hobby is all."

"I'd love to hear you play something," said Jack enamored by the idea. Doug was always surprising him.

"Well, that's not going to happen. I'm not good and I don't play for other people," insisted Doug indignantly. He grabbed the guitar and took it back to the closet. 

"Come on Doug," cajoled Jack.

"No way Jack."

"Some other time? Maybe?" wheedled Jack persuasively. 

"Unlikely," asserted Doug. He returned to the living room, "Aren't you hungry? Can't we go eat?" Doug really wanted to change the topic. He felt incredibly self-conscious and silly. 

Jack laughed, "All right, all right. Let's go."

----------

When they arrived at the Ice House, they found that it was quite crowded. The hostess recognized Doug right away and told him it would be just a minute before a table was ready. While they were waiting, Bill Willis and Marie Shank came in. The four exchanged hellos and when the hostess apologetically told Bill it would probably be twenty-five minutes before she could find him a table, Doug said, "You're welcome to join Jack and I if you like."

The suggestion surprised Jack. He knew Doug liked Bill and Marie but he didn't think that they were particularly close. _Maybe it's just professional courtesy_, mulled Jack.

"Oh, we wouldn't want to intrude Sheriff," insisted Bill as he waved off the suggestion. Jack smiled to himself; he wanted to be alone with Doug so Bill's refusal was welcome news. 

He frowned ever so slightly when he heard Doug say, "No intrusion Bill. Jack and I, we're just grabbing a bite to eat. You have met Jack McPhee before haven't you Bill?"

"Oh, sure. At the Safe Harbor kick-off. How's it going Mr. McPhee?" Bill looked uncomfortable but did his best to sound sociable and pleasant. 

"Call me Jack, I think the only people who call me Mr. McPhee are students and telemarketers." 

The group laughed at the small joke and Bill responded, "Uhh, ok. Jack. Good to see you again."

"So you'll join us then?" asked Doug. "Marie? What do you say?" Jack was growing increasingly annoyed with Doug for insisting that these people join them for dinner when they, or at least Bill, obviously didn't want to do that. 

Marie looked imploringly at Bill, "Hon, I don't want to wait that long. It's already so late to be eating."

"It's 9:35," stated Bill obtusely. 

Marie gave Bill an unmistakable look but all she said was, "Bill..."

The hostess returned and said, "Your table's ready guys."

Bill smiled a tight smile, the very picture of a man backed into a corner he'd tried to avoid. "We'd love to join you Sheriff. Thank you."

"Great," said Doug happily. He turned and followed the hostess to their table. _Great,_ thought an irritated Jack as he brought up the rear of the group. Now it's definitely not a date. The grumpy thought made Jack realize that maybe that's what Doug had wanted all along. 

Once they were all seated, it dawned on Doug that maybe Jack wasn't thrilled with this situation. He had been persistent because he thought if Bill and Marie got to know Jack, maybe then they'd realize that gay people weren't anything to be afraid of. Maybe they'd see that a gay person was just a person, the same as them. He tried to catch Jack's eye to see how he felt but Jack was intently chatting with Marie. 

"So, how long have the two of you been dating?"

"Us? Goodness..." Marie paused for a moment and smiled at Bill, "Seven months and we're practically an old married couple! Of course we used to date back in high school, but that was ages ago and we're both totally different people now!"

"Not totally different," interrupted Bill, "You've still got the greenest eyes and prettiest smile I ever saw. And I still throw the best curve ball in Capeside." 

Marie blushed and picked up her menu, "Well, I'm starving and apparently the lack of food has gone right to Bill's head so let's order shall we?"

"You ever seen a lady so bad at takin' a compliment?" laughed Bill. "One of these days I'm just gonna quit trying."

"Doug can't take a compliment either," said Jack with a fond grin. He saw the color immediately drain from Doug's face. Bill and Marie's exchanged puzzled looks. Jack continued smoothly, "Earlier, I was complimenting him on his quick thinking regarding the sinkhole situation. Not to mention the courage it must have taken to climb down into it to rescue that family."

"I was just doing my job Jack. No need for compliments," protested Doug as he busied himself with the menu.

"What sinkhole situation? Don't tell me I missed something big on my day off? Just my luck!" Bill could hardly contain himself. Doug was grateful for the change in conversation and went on to describe in detail the events of earlier that evening. 

Dinner was pleasant enough. Pacey crawled out of the hectic kitchen long enough to say hello. He brought out four pieces of mocha cheesecake on the house, which were greeted with groans and protestations of being too full but ultimately were cheerfully and speedily eaten. As he headed back to the kitchen, Pacey shot Jack a look that quite clearly said, "What the hell are you doing with Bill and Marie?" Jack tried to ignore him but it was difficult since he was wondering the same thing. This was certainly not how he had imagined this evening would go. 

----------

After they had said their good byes to Bill and Marie, Doug and Jack headed back to Doug's place. At first they walked in companionable silence but then Doug asked, "Jack, is this...was this a date?"

Jack snorted, "With Bill and Marie there? Uh, no it was not a date."

"But before, before that, did you think it was it a date then?" Doug looked at Jack with wide-eyed uncertainty. 

"Why don't you tell me what you thought Doug?" Jack heard the hardness in his voice and regretted it but he was frustrated. 

"I think...we were, we were just hanging out? Like friends do. Because we're friends. Right?"

Doug didn't know what he wanted Jack to say, but he didn't expect him to say, "Right. Buddy. Right pal."

"You're the one who said we were friends Jack. You said it." Doug's voice sounded anxious and a little frazzled. 

"When?"

"New Year's Eve."

Jacked sighed, "You don't think some things have changed since then?"

"No. Yes. I mean, yes some things are different but...I don't know. Are the right things different? I mean...look, I'm bad at this."

"You don't have to tell me that."

"I just...did you want this to be a date?"

"Yes, but..." Jack's voice trailed off. 

"But?" repeated Doug.

"But obviously you didn't."

"Well..."

"But I did yes. Which is why I asked you out. On a date."

"Oh," Doug fixed his eyes on Jack; he refused to let himself look away and said, "Maybe next time?" Doug felt nervous and excited and stupid. 

Jack felt his heart skip a beat, "Next time?" It came out more sarcastic then he expected.

"There has to be a next time," Doug's eyes were soft and beseeching. A sudden gust of wind ruffled his hair. He realized he was holding his breath but he didn't take his eyes off Jack.

"All right. Maybe next time," relented Jack. Doug smiled and just like that, Jack knew it was going to be ok. Better than ok.

----------

__

You can always get it right next time, next time  
You can always get it right next time  
You can always get it right next time, next time  
You can always get it right next time

You can count on me to mess it up  
You can count on me to let you down again  
And in time you'll see that I'm your only friend

You can always get it right next time, next time  
You can always get it right next time  
You can always get it right next time, next time  
You can always get it right next time

Comfort in community obliterated  
Given opportunity I hesitated  
Even my humility's humiliated

You can always get it right next time, next time  
You can always get it right next time  
You can always get it right next time, next time  
You can always get it right next time

Next time, next time

When you die they make a list of every love you never kissed  
Of each regret and each mistake  
Every choice you'll fail to make  
Oh well...  
Oh well...  
Oh well...

It's a shame I have to wait until the ending  
Everything I've yet to break is surely bending  
Every vow I ever take is just pretending  
That this mess I make is worth defending

You can always get it right next time, next time  
You can always get it right next time  
You can always get it right next time, next time  
You can always get it right next time

-- Next Time  
by The Barenaked Ladies

**end part fourteen**   
  



	15. Matter of Choice, Matter of Chance

****

Seek and Go Hide  
part fifteen

Jack sat on his couch, papers spread on the coffee table, the floor and the space next to him. He was grading the extra credit reports his sophomore English class had recently turned in; he had asked them to do a modern take on one of the classic stories they had studied recently. His favorites so far had been Olivia Perkins retelling of The Odyssey as a Doctor Phil episode and Corey Morris' take on The Iliad as a multiplayer shoot 'em up video game. The paper he was reading right now compared and contrasted the political makeup of The Iliad with the political divisions of the Axis nations vs. Allies in World War II. It didn't quite fit the assignment but Jack had to admit that Stacie Stein had made some interesting parallels. 

The ringing phone startled him out of his reverie. He picked it up, "Hello?"

"Jack, I need some help. Meet me at Cedar and 11th in twenty minutes. Bring a crowbar if you've got one." And with that Pacey hung up not even waiting for Jack's reply.

_What in the world is he up to now?_ wondered Jack even as he began to shuffle papers into piles that would hopefully make sense later. He stood up and considered the whereabouts of a crowbar. 

---------------

Olivia lay sprawled on her bed reading 'Our Town' by Thornton Wilder. She was feeling very swept up and wistful as she read:

_    "We all know that something is eternal. And it ain't houses and it ain't names, and it ain't earth, and it ain't even the stars . . . everybody knows in their bones that something is eternal, and that something has to do with human beings. All the greatest people ever lived have been telling us that for five thousand years and yet you'd be surprised how people are always losing hold of it. There's something way down deep that's eternal about every human being."
_

It struck her as completely beautiful and so sad. _That's how you know it's true_, she thought to herself. It seemed the truest things, the most real things, were tinged with a certain sadness. Her cell phone rang from inside her backpack and she scrambled to answer it before it went to voicemail. 

"Hello?"

"What up Olivia?"

"Hey Cliff," answered Olivia happily as she plopped back down on her bed. She found that she was suddenly buzzing with energy and delight; she loved it when Cliff called her! "I'm just reading. What are you doing?"

"Nothing much. Playing video games, eating chips."

"Sounds glamorous," teased Olivia.

"Well it's no hiding in my room, reading a book and chewing on my hair but it passes the time," shot back Cliff good-naturedly. 

"Very funny Cliff. How'd your algebra test go?" Olivia deftly changed the subject.

"A squared plus B squared equals C squared!" pronounced Cliff triumphantly.

"That's geometry not algebra."

"Uhmmm...Then I didn't do as well as I thought," laughed Cliff. "Hang on a second." Olivia heard the phone hit the table followed by a muffled "Die you...dammit! Oh, Oh! I so killed you you punk-ass bitch! That's right! Take it! Take it!" After a few seconds, Cliff picked up the phone and said, "Sorry about that. It's a tricky part of the game..."

"So I guessed. Hang on a second." There was a pause; Cliff could hear Olivia humming in the background. After a minute she spoke again, "Sorry about that. This nail polish can be so very tricky."

Her sarcasm wasn't lost on Cliff who said, "There, I hit pause. Happy now?"

"Exceedingly so. After all, I live for your undivided attention."

"It's not like you to be so honest about your emotional neediness!" joked Cliff.

"I was kidding!" insisted Olivia slightly embarrassed. "I am not emotionally needy!"

Cliff decided to let her off the hook and changed the subject. "Hey Liv, did you hear about your Dr. Phil paper yet? Did you get an A?"

"Is that why you called? No, not yet. It's only been three days! It takes Mr. McPhee a while to get extra credit stuff back to us. Believe me, I'll tell you. And for the record it's weird that you're more into my grades than your own."

"Yeah, well my Dr. Phil idea was brilliant you have to admit!"

"It was ok," Olivia grinned at the dismissive tone in her voice. She knew he wouldn't buy it for a minute.

"Ok? You used it!"

"Ok, ok, it was better than ok. It was decent."

"Thank you for your begrudging props. They mean so much." The two friends laughed and then laughed at their laughter. Cliff told Olivia a joke and she needled him about a fight he had nearly gotten into at school. They talked about everything and nothing much at all.

"Cliff how many times do I have to tell you to take out the goddamn garbage? What are you doing? And why is the ice cream sitting on the counter melting all over the shitting place?" Olivia heard Cliff's mom, Tanya, enter the room and scream at Cliff. She sounded furious.

"Mom, I'm On The PHONE!" yelled Cliff. Olivia cringed and waited to see what would happen.

"Oh! You're on the PHONE! Well excuse me! I had no idea! Hang the fuck up!" Tanya's voice got louder and angrier.

"No!"

There was sound of a tussle and the phone hit the floor or the table, Olivia wasn't sure. She didn't know if she should hang up or what. She grimaced as the fight continued to escalate.

"What the fuck is your problem?"

"My problem? My problem is I got an ungrateful kid who can't even do the simplest thing right! I'm sick of your shit Cliff! Harry says I let you run wild and he's right! I should have listened to him a long time ago! Well, it stops now you got me?"

"Harry? Is that what this is about? He dump you again Mom? Well, guess what? It ain't my fault he's a total dick..."

There came a sharp sound that Olivia figured had to be a slap. She felt tears well up in her eyes and wished she could do something.

"You watch your fuckin' mouth!"

"...And it ain't my fault you got shitty taste in boyfriends!"

"Get out of here! Get! Out! You're an ungrateful bastard just like your father!"

"Fine! I will!"

A door slammed. There was a moment of silence, and then the phone was picked up. Tanya Granger's slurry voice came over the line, "Hello? Is anybody there?" Olivia held her breath and didn't say anything. Finally Tanya hung up the phone and Olivia was left to wonder where Cliff had gone.

---------------

Jack saw Pacey's car parked near the corner of 11th and Cedar and he headed towards it. He smiled at Pacey who motioned for him to get in the car.

"You found a crowbar? That's great," said Pacey as Jack settled into the passenger seat.

"Technically it's a pry bar not a crowbar," corrected Jack. "So you wanna tell me what we're doing?"

"We're stealing a car."

"What? No we aren't..."

"Well technically it's not stealing, really we're returning a car to its rightful owner."

"Pacey..." Jack didn't know why he was surprised, but he was. Pacey had been on good behavior for so long that Jack had almost forgotten what he was capable of. "We are not 'not technically' stealing a car."

Pacey grinned, "I have the keys," he said holding up a set of keys.

"What? Who?" Jack rubbed his forehead and grimaced, "Start at the beginning dude."

"You know Elena Winfield?"

"Your latest married girlfriend? Yes, I know who she is."

"Her soon to be ex-husband is a real jerk Jack. He found out she's planning on leaving Capeside as soon as the divorce was final and he wants to stop her. He basically kidnapped her car."

"And she can't go to the police because..?"

"There's no actual proof he took it."

"And she has to have the car because..?"

"Well, it's hers first off. Second it's a 1969 Firebird her Dad gave her when she graduated from high school. It's her baby."

"And you said you help because..?"

"Because she's a good person Jack." Pacey gave Jack a fierce look and continued, "Look man, I know you don't approve of my affinity for the married ladies but you gotta believe me, their marriage was over long before I entered the picture. Besides, Elena and I, we're more friends than anything. I just want to help her make a clean break of things."

Jack sighed, "Pacey it's none of my business who you date, I just hate seeing you constantly sabotaging yourself. Seems like the only women you get involve with are the ones you can't ever have. I feel like maybe you've given up on true love..."

"Jack..." now it was Pacey's turn to sigh. The two friends looked at each other, so much unspoken history lay between them. Most of it went by the name of Joey Potter. Jack knew Pacey had never really gotten over her and Pacey knew Jack knew. But they almost never talked about it. And now wasn't really the time. 

Jack relented and said, "So what's the plan?"

A huge smile spread across Pacey's face and he clapped Jack on the shoulder, "I knew I could count on you buddy! Ok, I managed to figure out that the car is in a storage unit down on South Main. All we have to go is go down there, avoid two security cameras and one guard, find the right unit and break in. Then we drive away. It's not like he can report it missing since he stole it in the first place."

"As simple as that?"

"Hopefully."

"Ok, then, let's get this over with."

---------------

The storage lot was dark and quiet. The main cinder block building lay in front of them with the smaller freestanding units to the southwest. The two friends had just scaled the back fence and landed inside its perimeter with a soft thud. Pacey gestured for Jack to stay behind him and pointed up at a security camera. For a second Jack's blood froze but he quickly realized the camera was pointed towards the main drive and not at them.

"Ok, all we gotta do is find the right unit," whispered Pacey earnestly.

"Ok, and how do we do that?" whispered Jack sarcastically. There had to be several dozen units large enough to house a car and he didn't relish the idea of having to break into each one.

"All the big units have small windows in the back - we'll just look inside. Easy." Pacey headed towards the nearest unit. He made sure to stay close to the fence and out of the cameras line of sight. Jack followed.

They reached the first one and Pacey said, "Give me a boost." When he saw Jack's skeptical, semi-annoyed look he continued, "We'll take turns, ok you big baby? Now come on!"

Dutifully Jack laced his fingers together and bent over so Pacey could step into his hands. He grunted as he lifted Pacey up and said, "Dude how did you talk me into this?"

Pacey peered in the window but all he could see were boxes. He hoped this wasn't going to be typical of the whole search but he didn't say anything to Jack. "Not here. Put me down."

Jack let go and said, "Would have been too easy if it were in the first place we looked I guess."

As the boys crept from unit to unit they chatted softly.

"You hear Gail Leery got engaged?" asked Pacey

"No," replied Jack a little surprised. "When did that happen?"

"Pretty recently I guess. I just found out today."

"It's the same guy she was dating at New Year's right? What's the dude's name anyway?"

"You know, I have no idea. I tend to refer to him as Not Mitch."

"I wonder how Dawson will take it."

Pacey shrugged, "No telling - good or bad though - he'll make it all about him if he can."

"Pacey!" Jack laughed quietly and shook his head. Pacey boosted him up and Jack peered into another window, "Weird, this one's entirely empty except for a riding lawnmower parked in the middle. What's that about?" 

"Got me," Pacey shrugged and shifted the conversation back. "You talked to him lately?" 

"Dawson?"

"No, the Lawnmower Man. Yes, Dawson."

"It's a been awhile. He's crazy busy. You heard his show got picked up right? He's gotta reshoot the pilot but it's tentatively set to premier in September. He's psyched."

"Dawson has his own TV show. It's kinda surreal dontcha think? I mean I can hardly remember him ever even watching TV. Doogie Houser, The Wonder Years and Fraggle Rock...I think that's it. What's it about anyway?"

"You haven't heard?" grunted Jack his he lifted Pacey up again. "You need to lay off the cheeseburgers man."

"I let my subscription to The Dawson Leery Newsletter lapse I'm sorry to say." Pacey shone the flashlight into the dim space. This one looked almost 100% filled with newspapers. "And the search continues." Back on solid ground he said, "So, you gonna tell me or do I have to wait and read about it in Entertainment Weekly?"

"Dude, it about us. High School. All the drama. I'm guessing a heavy dose of the Dawson/Joey/Pacey triangle. It's called The Creek."

Pacey just stared at Jack for a second then he burst out, "Seriously? That's awesome!" He laughed and Jack motioned for him to keep it down. They walked toward the next storage unit.

"You aren't worried?"

"Why should I be? I stand by every dumb thing I ever did. Are you worried?"

"Actually, I hadn't really thought about it...do you think I should be?"

"Nah...I mean you're as out as you can be right?" Pacey boosted Jack up and kept talking, "I bet it'll be my favorite show ever. It'll be like 90210 meets The Real World and Freak and Geeks."

From overhead he heard Jack say, "I think this is it!"

Without thinking Pacey let go of Jack's foot and stood up straight. Jack hit the ground with a solid urmph. "My bad," Pacey apologized as he pulled Jack to his feet. "Lift me up so I can check it out."

Jack rolled his eyes but did as Pacey asked. "I think I know what a 1969 Firebird looks like Pace. And how many of them can there be in this place?"

"Right you are Jack my boy. Nice work. Ok, let's do some crime. You want breaking or entering?"

"I'll take breaking." Jack held up the pry bar and grinned, "You've still got the keys right?" 

Pacey made a show of patting his pockets and looking frantic before pulling them out, "Right here. Let's do it!"

The guys snuck around to the front of the small building. Jack used the pry bar to bust the cheap padlock off and carefully lifted the garage-type door, trying hard not to make any more noise then necessary. When he saw the car in the dim light, he gave a small gasp. It really was a beautiful car. He could understand why Elena would hate to leave it behind.

Pacey walked in and unlocked the car. He got in and put it in neutral then got out and started pushing. Slowly the car eased out of the storage unit and on to the main drive. Luckily they wouldn't have to pass any of the cameras on the way out but they were going to have to get past the guardhouse.

Jack pulled the door back down and pocketed the broken lock. He tossed the pry bar into the car then he helped Pacey push. After a few hundred feet or so, Pacey whispered, "Go make sure the guard is sleeping or distracted or something Jack."

"And what am I supposed to do if he's not?" hissed Jack in reply

"I don't know. Use your feminine wiles?"

"Fuck you Pacey."

"Use them on the guard Jack, don't waste them on me."

"Ha ha," said Jack acerbically. 

"Just go look."

"You go."

Pacey cocked an eyebrow at Jack and asked, "You want to get caught pushing the stolen vehicle?"

"I'll go look."

Jack tiptoed up to the guardhouse. _Guard shack was more like it_, thought Jack nervously. He peered into the window and sure enough, the kid was asleep in front of a small black and white TV. He signaled the 'All Clear' to Pacey and watched as the car slowly but silently slid past the guard and out into the street. Jack hurried to catch up and once they'd pushed the car about a block away, Pacey started the engine and they drove away into the night.

---------------

Cliff sat at the bus stop about half a mile from his house. His pocketknife lay open in his lap and his right hand had some blood on it. He didn't remember cutting himself; absentmindedly he wiped the blood on his jeans and tried to steady his breathing. His head hurt so much. There was a small cut on his swollen cheek. His jaw was clenched so tight he half expected his teeth to turn into sawdust right now. His mother's irrational behavior had thrown him into a spiraling rage and it seemed like whenever he stopped to think about the situation, everything only made him madder. His breathing was shallow and labored and his heart beat very fast. 

On his way out of the house Cliff had grabbed his jacket and tennis shoes but he hadn't put them on until he was well away from the house. His socks were damp and his feet clammy. Shame, panic and anger vied for dominance in his whirling brain. Anger had won; as soon as he put on his jacket he had found his pocketknife. The weight of it was a comfort in his hand and almost without thinking he began lashing out. Slashing tires, keying cars with the corkscrew - the physical effort took his mind off the churning emotions that threatened to overwhelm him and leave him crying and whimpering in the middle of the street. He's be damned if he was going to let that happen.

His mother had promised she wouldn't hit him ever again. She promised no one would. _And like a total sucker I believed her!_ Cliff pounded his right fist repeatedly against his thigh. _I'm so sick of this! She can't do this to me! Not after... _Cliff forced his mind to shut off. He knew if he started thinking about the past that he would never be able to get his shit together. _Harry. This is Harry's fault. He hates me and wants me outta the picture._ It all suddenly seemed so clear. Harry had to pay. 

Standing up, Cliff looked at the dark quiet houses around him. He felt so isolated, so impossibly cut off from the rest of the normal world. He couldn't believe that less than an hour ago he had been playing video games and laughing with Olivia. It felt like a million years ago. _Why does everything turn to shit?_ wondered Cliff bitterly. He thought about Olivia and how freaked out and worried she probably was right now. He thought about going over to her place but he was still too angry and he knew her parents wouldn't like it if he showed up there so late. Instead he turned toward Main Street. There was a plate glass window he intended to smash into a million pieces. _See how Harry likes that!_ thought Cliff with a bitter scowl.

---------------

Pacey dropped Jack off at home on his way to return the car to Elena. Once inside his place, the lateness of the hour hit Jack like a ton of bricks. The remaining un-graded papers sat in piles on the coffee table and the sight of them made Jack feel guilty. He poured himself a glass of milk and checked his voicemail. There were two messages...

  
    _Jackie? It's a school night - where are you? Listen we need to figure out baby housing issues. Can you come up this weekend because guess what, I'm this close - please note I'm making a gesture with my fingers illustrating how close I am - roughly three quarters of an inch - to totally cracking up. And I love Grams but she's all 'Jennifer, be patient. Relax dear. And Jennifer, have a little faith.' I have no faith Jack! I do have a bloated body and a person inside of me which in case I haven't stressed it enough - Not Relaxing! I tried to put the crib together but...well frankly I'm not a practical engineer and what's an Allen wrench anyway? And this is your job...technically it's a husband's job but I'm fresh out of those so, lucky you right? Anyway, call me. Come see me this weekend. I think I have a color picked out for the nursery unless...honestly, do you think pink is too girly? Also, it's 2007 - why no video phones? I'm sure my pleading would be more effective if you could actually see how huge and pathetic I am. Damn Sprint or Verizon or whoever's in charge of these things! Ok, love you! Call me!_

Jack laughed; Jen's melodramatic messages were becoming more frequent and more hilarious as her due date got nearer. And there were still about six weeks to go. She was going to be mighty upset when she found out he couldn't make it up there this weekend but hopefully she'd understand. The next message started...

    _Jack. Evening, how's it going? It's Doug. Which you probably know. Anyway, I was just wondering if maybe tomorrow could be next time? Our next date... or our first date. Whatever. Are you busy? Call me when you get this. My number is 555-3709. Night then._

Jack looked at the clock and was somewhat relieved it was too late to call either of them back. He was beat and the only conversation he wanted to have right now was with his pillow. But he smiled to think that he and Doug were going to have their next time so soon. _A Thursday night date...I wonder what he has in mind?_ thought Jack as he rinsed out his glass, shut off the lights and headed for bed.

---------------

_I am colorblind  
Coffee black and egg white  
Pull me out from inside  
I am ready   
I am ready   
I am ready   
I am taffy stuck and tongue tied  
Studder, shook and uptight  
Pull me out from inside  
I am ready   
I am ready   
I am ready   
I am fine  
I am covered in skin  
No one gets to come in  
Pull me out from inside  
I am folded and unfolded and unfolding  
I am colorblind  
Coffee black and egg white  
Pull me out from inside  
I am ready   
I am ready   
I am ready   
I am fine   
I am fine   
I am fine   
  
-- Colorblind  
by The Counting Crows  
  
_

**Author's note: Part 15?! I never thought this story would be so long! The initial plan was for a 6 part story but it seems the more I think about it, the more there is to tell. And so it keeps getting longer and longer. Thanks to all the readers and reviewers for sticking with it - you guys really do keep me motivated. Next update should be in the next few days.**


	16. Finding Out What's You

**Seek and Go Hide  
part sixteen**

The next day dawned unseasonably warm and sunny. Whistling, Jack put the top down on his convertible, double-checked to make sure he had everything he needed for the day and headed for school. As soon as he was under way, he pulled out his cell phone and dialed Doug's number. Doug picked up on the second ring.

"Doug hey! Morning! Have you seen this beautiful day?"

"Jack? Hi! Where are you?"

"I'm on my way to school, Fuller Point Road to be exact."

"Jack, you know, cell phones aren't really conducive to good driving..." Doug mock scolded Jack, "...and from what I know of your record, you don't need any additional distractions while driving." 

"You're right. I shouldn't have called. In fact, I should probably just hang up..."

"No, no" laughed Doug, "Just tell me, are you using a headset?"

"Absolutely," lied Jack easily. "So, you've looked into my record huh?"

"Wow, you make that sound really dirty."

"It's a skill. Hey, sorry I didn't call you back last night, I got in late."

"No problem, I actually sacked out early. Too many early shifts these days. Where were you anyway?"

"You wouldn't believe me if I told you..." Jack grimaced momentarily to think what Doug's reaction would have been to what he and Pacey had done if they'd gotten caught. Luckily, implausibly, they had gotten away with it. 

Sensing something was up, Doug asked, "You didn't do anything illegal did you?"

"No! Well, nothing that will hold up in court," joked Jack feeling a little guilty. Being on the wrong side of the law was losing its devil-may-care appeal. What had seemed funny and harmless last night now seemed foolish and dodgy. _Well, that it,_ thought Jack with a grin,_ that's the last car I ever steal. Even if it's not technically stealing._ He laughed and prayed Doug wouldn't press the issue. He certainly didn't want to lie to Doug but there was no way he could tell him the truth.

Fortunately Doug acquiesced, "I'm gonna drop this topic now."

"That's probably for the best," agreed Jack. "So your message said something about plans tonight?"

"Are you busy?"

"Well, I should grade papers but I see no reason not to leave my students in suspense for a few more days. What do you have in mind?"

"I remembered that you mentioned wanting to see 'Escape The Timescape' and tonight's the last night it's playing at the Rialto and so I thought maybe we could go see it. If you want to. It's not really the most original idea I know..."

"It sounds good to me. You know it's gotten terrible reviews right?"

"If you don't want to see it..." Doug backtracked afraid he was pushing the issue.

"Oh, I **totally** want to see it! I just don't want you to have any false expectations...about it being a good movie, I mean."

"Noted. So what time? There's a 5:45 show and one at 8:20."

"8:20 works for me if it's not too late for you."

"Exactly how old do you think I am Jack!"

"I didn't say anything!" Jack faked a sneeze and said, "Geezer!"

"What?! What was that?"

"That? That was a sneeze," replied Jack innocently.

"Oh? Really?" Doug tried to keep his tone serious and steady as he said, "Then let me say gesundheit." He then faked his own sneeze saying, "Unpleasant."

"Dude! Tell me you did not just sneeze the word 'unpleasant' at me?"

"What?"

"You sneeze insults at people - short, snappy insults. Unpleasant? Please."

"Ok, how about this," Doug sneezed again and said, "Obnoxious!"

"Doug, really, you should probably just stop before you hurt yourself. So I'll meet you at the theatre around 8:00? Does that work?"

"Sure." Doug nodded his head and tried to think of something else to say. He didn't want to hang up just yet. Talking to Jack like this made him feel so carefree. It was such a foreign feeling he wanted to savor it for as long as he could. 

"So how's your day been so far?" asked Jack cheerfully. 

"Busy. Someone smashed some windows over at Harry's Hardware store last night. Made a big mess and I've got the paperwork to prove it."

"Any idea who did it?"

"No witnesses regrettably. But I've got a hunch or two to follow up on." Doug paused as if considering something, "You don't know anything about it do you Jack?"

"I really don't Doug. I'd tell you if I did." Jack tried not to take offense and reminded himself that even if he wasn't a vandal he wasn't exactly an innocent when it came to late night hijinks. 

"Ok, well, I had to ask. I guess I better get back to work. I'll see you tonight right?"

"You bet. Have a good day."

"You too." Doug grinned and added, "And Jack? Drive safely." 

----------------------

Cliff woke to the sound of birds. He groaned and rolled over thinking he was in his bed at home. He wasn't. He fell off the bench with a thud and swore under his breath. The little league dugout was still fairly dark since it faced west but it was obviously morning. He looked at his watch and was surprised to see it was already 8:10. School started in thirty-five minutes. He considered not going but he had no money and no place else to go. School was the only option. Besides he wanted to see Olivia and apologize for exposing her to his home life like that. He stretched and ran his hands through his hair. It occurred to him that if he got to school right away he could sneak into the locker room and have a shower before classes started. That sounded perfect...or as close to perfect as anything was going to get today.

----------------------

Cliff had taken his shower and cleaned up as best he could but he still looked pretty scruffy. And he smelled like the sickly sweet bathroom hand soap. He hoped no one would notice. He walked over to the bike racks to wait for Olivia. 

----------------------

When Olivia got to school she was relieved to see Cliff loitering around the bike racks and scowling at people when they got too close. She hadn't been sure if he would show up today or not. Her heart broke to see him looking so battered and tired. She wondered where he slept last night. If he had slept last night. 

She pushed her bike over and tried to be casual. "Oh, hey Cliff. Nice day huh?" She couldn't believe her own stupidity. _Why not just say how fun it is getting kicked out of the house? How terrific it is to have a mother who smacks you around? I'm so stupid!_ Olivia berated herself over her choice of words.

Cliff smiled. Really smiled. He could see she was uncomfortable but it was exactly what he needed to hear. "I think this is probably my favorite day ever." He elbowed her gently until she smiled too.

"Here," she said presenting him with a well-worn brown paper grocery bag.

"What's this?"

She shrugged; she knew enough not to make a big deal about it, "Just some stuff."

He opened the bag and looked inside. He saw a pair of socks, a new toothbrush, a comb, a pack of Big Red gum, a yellow t-shirt and a blue sweatshirt. He looked at Olivia his eyes filling briefly with tears; all he could say was, "Thanks."

She reached up and tenderly touched the small cut under his blackened left eye. She frowned and said softly, "You're ok right?" She held his gaze determined to know the truth no matter what he said.

Her gentle touch sent shivers racing down Cliff's spine, but what really got him was the love in her eyes. No one looked at him like that. No one ever had. "I'm ok. I'm better now." He bent down and kissed her softly on her forehead. 

Olivia smiled. She didn't know who was more surprised when she heard herself say, "Cliff? Your aim is a little off." Then she was standing on tiptoe and leaning into him. Her lips found his and the world fell away. Her first kiss was as magical as anything in the movies. She didn't care that she was wearing her ugliest jeans. She didn't care that he smelled like cheap pink soap. She didn't care that they were at school. She didn't care that friends and classmates were all around them. At least she didn't until they started to clap, hoot and holler. As she and Cliff slowly separated, she felt her face turn red. PDA wasn't really her style. 

Cliff wrapped an arm around her and drew her to him in a protective embrace. To the crowd he said, "Okay folks, show's over. Nothing to see here. No wait! Wait! We're fascinating and totally hot. I can see why you don't want to miss this! Come on, crowd around, crowd around! Don't be shy, crowd around! You don't want to miss a minute of our private lives!"

Olivia laughed and shoved Cliff in the ribs. She turned and picked up her backpack and started rummaging through it. Cliff watched as the students turned away and went about their business. Tauntingly, he called after them, "Wait! Come back! I want to tell you about this dream I had! Don't you want to know everything about me?" Once everyone had scattered, he turned his attention back to Olivia and said, "That's awesome. I had no idea reverse psychology worked so well on mobs. It makes sense I guess when you figure people are basically pigheaded sheep. What are you looking for?"

"It wasn't really a mob," from the bottom of her bag Olivia produced a squashed and greasy looking bag. "Want some semi-flattened breakfast?"

"If that bag contains breakfast burritos you will officially be the most amazing girl in the world."

"Sorry they're like, so mashed up. Do I get a tiara or something?" she asked as she pulled them out and handed him one. 

He unwrapped it immediately and took a huge bite. "Soon enough," he said through a mouth full of egg and sausage. He smiled at her, "Tasty!" 

"Let's go sit down and eat like civilized people. The bell's going to ring in like 3 minutes." She walked over to a bench as she unwrapped her own food. 

Cliff followed close behind, "How do you do it?" 

"Do what?"

"Make bossy so sexy?"

She rolled her eyes and said, "Shut up." 

"Yes m'am."

----------------------

Doug looked up at the clock and was surprised to see that it was already lunchtime. The morning had flown by. He had plowed through a lot of work thanks to his very single-minded focus. He had had to force himself not to think about Jack because if he did, he started getting nervous and spacey and twitchy. None of these emotions sat well with him - especially at work! So he made a point to stay extra busy and he meant to stick to the plan even if it killed him.

_Might as well head over to the school,_ he thought to himself, _see if I can find anything out about that incident at Harry's place._ But first, he had to make a phone call.

----------------------

Olivia sat cross-legged on the bench next to Cliff as he attempted to quickly fill out the Spanish worksheet he had due next period. She knew she shouldn't just tell him the answers but she hated to see him struggle.

"Number eight is "Lucia crea que esta película es aburrida."

"Huh?"

"Lucia thinks that the movie is boring."

"Lucia's lucky she doesn't have to do this worksheet."

"Here just write this down for number nine: ¡Óigame! ¿Quien ese chico? Put the accent over the o. And for ten write: Es un amigo mio. Venido te lo presento." 

"What's it mean?" asked Cliff as he hastily scribbled it down.

Olivia countered with a dry smile, "You really want to know?" 

"Uh, no?"

"I didn't think so. Don't worry it's right."

Cliff snickered, "Trust me I'm not worried about it being right. I know it's right, Smarty." And with that he leaned over and kissed her again. "Thanks. Some more." His forehead rested lightly against hers.

"You're not just kissing me because I'm doing your homework and you're grateful are you?" asked Olivia softly. 

"No, I'm kissing you because you're the most amazing girl in the world." He kissed her again.

She smiled a lopsided smile and quipped, "The breakfast burrito really wasn't that good."

"Oh yes, it really was."

As the kissing intensified, Cliff moved closer to her and in doing so, knocked all his books and papers to the ground. Neither of them noticed. But Doug did.

"Ahem. Mr. Granger, I think your homework is blowing away." 

The two kids flew apart and Cliff scrambled to pick up his stuff. "Thanks Sheriff. Detaining homework, now that's what I call going above and beyond the call of duty."

Doug eyed Cliff levelly but didn't say anything. He noticed the black eye and thought back to what Tanya Granger had said on the phone. He had a feeling he hadn't gotten the whole story.

Cliff squirmed a little, "Nice day huh? Doesn't feel like March in Massachusetts at all. Practically balmy. If I didn't know better..."

Doug cut him off, "Cliff, we need to talk..." He glanced at Olivia and finished, "...Alone."

She took the hint and interjected, "You know I'm going to go get a soda so, you two...uh, whatever..." She smiled and scurried off with her fingers crossed. _Please don't let him get into any more trouble!_

"What's a nice girl like that doing with you Cliff?" Doug's small smile took the edge off his words.

"Hey, you were the one to point out what a good friend she was..."

"I hope you remember that." Doug held Cliff's gaze until Cliff gave a small nod and looked at his feet. "What happened to your eye?"

"I ran into a door."

"A door huh? Cliff, if you need help, I'll help you. But you've got to be straight with me."

"Can you arrest a door Sheriff?" asked Cliff his voice full of contempt and derision.

"When you're ready to talk without the wall of smart mouth sarcasm, I hope you'll come find me. Until then...I guess all I can do is tell you to watch out for those doors." Doug sighed; sometimes his job could be so frustrating. "So, I talked to your Mom..."

"Great. She sober?"

"She told me you didn't come home last night. Said you were angry. Said she didn't know what you might do. Seemed to think you might be in the mood to smash some windows. And what do you know? Some windows got smashed last night. Care to tell me where you were between 10:00 and 4:00?"

"Well, I **_was_** home until she went crazy and kicked me out. For no reason."

"So where were you?"

"When?"

Doug remained clam but couldn't refrain from gritting his teeth. He repeated, "Between 10 and 4."

"I was...here. In Capeside. Great state of Massachusetts."

"Look Cliff, maybe you think that because I personally happen to like you, you can jerk me around or get away with something. Newsflash bucko, that's not happening. You wanna give me a straight answer or do I have to get severe with you?"

"Bucko?"

"Last chance Cliff..."

"Look, Sheriff...I can't tell you where I was...because...because I wasn't really...it's just..." Cliff shuffled his feet and looked despondently at the dirt. He had no idea how he was going to get out of this. Luckily, Olivia hadn't gone far.

"He was at my house last night Sheriff Witter. He doesn't want to say because he wasn't supposed to be there and if my folks knew I'd be grounded for like six months but he was there. He got there a little after 10:15, after the fight with his mom and he left at 6:30 before my parents woke up. So whatever you think he did, he didn't do it. He was with me ok?"

"That's a very enlightening story Miss Perkins." Doug turned to Cliff and said, "If it's true. Is it true Cliff? Or could your friend be lying to cover for you?"

"I'm not lying!" Olivia sounded indignant and insulted by the allegation. 

"She's telling the truth Sheriff." Cliff reached over and took Olivia's hand; he held it tight as they faced down Doug. 

Olivia looked so grim and determined that Doug found it impossible to believe she was telling anything other than the truth. Doug sighed, "Ok then. The search for the vandal continues. Cliff, I recommend you talk to your mother. And if you hear anything - either of you - I'd appreciate a heads up. And Cliff, I meant what I said. Afternoon kids."

Doug walked away feeling frustrated. If it hadn't been Cliff doing the damage then he had no idea who else it could be. As Sheriff, that was an exasperating position to be in.

Olivia and Cliff silently watched Doug walk away. Once he was out of sight, Olivia whispered, "Did you do it?"

Cliff looked down at her sweet, strained face. He couldn't believe she had lied for him. She didn't lie ever. She was the most honest, forthright person he knew. He couldn't bear to disappoint her, not now, not when things were starting to be so good between them. "No. No I didn't."

"Really?"

"Really."

"Really really?"

"Really really."

She smiled then; a wide beautiful smile and he wished more than anything he were telling the truth. He swore to himself that she would never find out what he had done. Not if he could help it. He wanted to bask in the warmth of that smile for the rest of his life.

"So where **_did_** you stay last night?" she asked pressing the advantage the Sheriff's visit had given her.

"At the ball field - in the visitor's dugout."

"Cozy. Look, I can probably get you a sleeping bag and some other stuff...unless? Are you going home tonight?" Olivia looked at him hopefully but she was pretty sure what he was going to say.

"I don't think so."

She nodded, "Then I'll get you my sleeping bag, a pillow, and a flashlight. What else?"

"Your Gameboy?" 

She laughed at his audaciousness, "You ever heard the phrase 'beggars can't be choosers'?"

"You ever heard the phrase 'give 'til it hurts'?" he shot back cheerfully. The bell for next period rang and the two friends bickered and laughed as they headed back to class.

----------------------

Doug stood in front of the mirror and fussed with his hair. He couldn't believe how nervous he was; the anxiety made him feel like the world's oldest sixteen year old. He didn't know what he was doing. He didn't know why he was doing something that made him feel so sick to his stomach. He didn't know what to expect. He didn't know what he wanted to happen or not happen. He didn't know who he was supposed to be.

He was so used to being Sheriff Witter that he sometimes forgot what it meant to be Doug. To feel like Doug. Which was one of the many things that attracted him to Jack - Jack let him be himself. No more than that, Jack made Doug be himself. Made Doug want to be himself. Jack saw through Sheriff Witter and saw the man inside. It was a revelation to a man who had hidden for so long. It made him feel very vulnerable which in turn, made him feel both astonishingly alive and increasingly uneasy. 

He told himself that the nervousness was natural; especially when you considered that his last date had been four years ago. And had been with a woman. And had gone rather badly. But this was different. Very different. Which was good. And bad. But mostly good.

Shaking off the doubts that threatened to overwhelm him, Doug put on his coat and headed out the door to meet Jack.

----------------------

When Jack got to the theatre he wasn't surprised to see Doug waiting for him out front. _Damn he's so prompt!_ Jack looked at his watch, he didn't think he was late but the truth was, he wasn't exactly on time. 

"Been waiting long?" he asked with a sheepish smile.

"Not really. But the movie starts soon." 

Jack couldn't help but notice that Doug looked rather stressed out and there was a weird tension in the air. But Doug seemed determined to put on a happy face. Maybe he just had a tough day at work, thought Jack. "Well, let's get in there then."

Doug nodded, "I hate to miss the previews."

"So you and Pacey do have a few things in common," cracked Jack.

"Very few," answered Doug stonily but he smiled. He met Jack's warm gaze and that's all it took. He felt himself start to relax a tiny bit. He wanted to be here after all, even if he was scared. It wasn't like spending time with Jack was hard. But it had never been labeled a date before and that fact alone was what made Doug so jumpy. _Which is silly_, he told himself.

There was an awkward moment when they got to the ticket window, but Jack handled it saying, "I'll get this one and you can owe me." Doug nodded and tried not to notice the suspicious look the cashier cast their way. 

Doug heard himself say, "Thanks buddy!" And then he vigorously slapped Jack on the back in that hearty jock-guy way usually reserved for distant-but-proud fathers and emotionally stunted frat brothers. "You the man!" Jack shot him a look that very clearly said '_What-the-hell?!_' but he didn't actually comment on it. Doug tightened his jaw and told himself to get a grip. They walked into the lobby.

"How 'bout I get the popcorn and you go find some seats?" suggested Jack. He had a feeling Doug needed a minute to collect himself.

Doug looked around the nearly empty lobby, "I don't think finding seats will be a problem..."

"Thought you didn't want to miss the previews? I bet they'll be starting any second now," said Jack quickly glancing at his watch.

"Good point. Ok, I'll go get seats. You sure you don't mind?"

Jack shook his head, "Not at all."

Doug headed for the theatre and Jack walked over to the concession stand. He ordered a large popcorn, two drinks and some junior mints. The kid behind the counter was remarkably apathetic and slow. He had trouble locating the candy and had to change the CO2 tank on the soda machine. By the time he finally finished the transaction the movie had started. Jack hurried into the dark theatre.

He waited for a minute so his eyes could adjust and scanned the room for Doug.

"Psst, Jack," whispered Doug from the very back row, "Over here. Geez, I was starting to think you left..."

Jack walked over and sat down. He handed Doug one of the sodas and said softly, "Yeah, they've got a real genius manning the snack bar. So you couldn't find anything closer?" He gestured to the nearly empty theatre. There were maybe ten other people there.

Doug looked mildly offended, "I like the back. You can see what everybody is up to."

"You're supposed to be watching the movie not the audience," teased Jack quietly. He took off his coat and settled himself into his seat. He leaned slightly toward Doug and enjoyed the feel of Doug's strong arm against his. 

"You're supposed to be watching the move, not hassling me about seat choice," shot back Doug genially. He felt the warmth of Jack sitting next to him and he grinned into the dark. They turned their attention back to the movie. 

After a minute Jack gave up. He learned closer to Doug and whispered into his ear, "Ok, I'm lost. What did I miss?"

The feel of Jack's breath in his ear sent shivers racing down Doug's spine. He closed his eyes and sighed softly, enjoying the sensation. Realizing he needed to answer Jack's question he turned and whispered back, "Bill Paxton's a scientist who created a time machine...that guy there stole it and sent the scientist and his team back into the timescape...which is sort of like a dangerous limbo I think. Now The Rock is trying to figure out a way to get them back..."

Jack could have listened to Doug whisper in his ear forever. The soft husky voice felt like a caress. He had to force himself to pay attention to what was being said. "Why?"

"Oh, he's Bill Paxton's brother..."

"Really believable casting huh?"

"You were the one who wanted to see this movie..."

Jack turned and looked at Doug. Their eyes met and for a moment time stopped. They were so close and Jack had to fight the urge to close the small distance between them. He wanted to kiss Doug so much that he felt like his heart was going to explode. He also knew that it had to be up to Doug to make that first move. 

Suddenly Doug made a grab for the popcorn. The unexpected movement startled Jack and caused him to spill the bucket first on himself and then on Doug. He made a desperate grab to snag the bucket before it hit the floor and just managed to catch it. There was maybe a quarter of the bucket left. Jack looked down at his popcorn filled lap and then over at Doug who was equally festooned and completely taken aback. "Sorry! Sorry! Damn!" gasped Jack utterly mortified.

Doug chuckled softly, "Good thing you didn't get extra butter!" He began brushing the kernels off his lap and onto the floor. Jack followed suit and tried to swallow his embarrassment. Once they were both popcorn free, they tried to pay attention to the movie.

Jack couldn't concentrate. He shifted uncomfortably in his seat and tried to ignore all the crunching under his feet. 

Doug wanted to reassure Jack that what happened was no big deal but he didn't really know what to say. Before he could talk himself out of it, he reached over and took Jack's hand in his. Jack looked surprised but pleased as their fingers slowly entwined. Doug was shocked by how wonderful the simple gesture felt. The warmth and strength of their hands seemed perfectly matched. He felt Jack's thumb rub gently against his. The small movement sent tingles running through him. The connection was more real and tender than anything Doug had ever felt before. He felt something inside him wake up, some frozen piece of his heart began to thaw; he never wanted it to end.

He smiled at Jack and whispered, "I like this movie."

Jack gave his hand a small squeeze and grinned back at him, "Me too." 

----------------------

_This isn't what I like to call flattery,   
But I know that I believe that I've found what's true,   
That I've found what's you.   
Truthfully I   
I'm finding finally.   
Truthfully you   
You helped me find at last.   
Truthfully we   
Are finding out what's true.   
And Truthfully I am finding out what's you.   
Surprise, cause I was flying the plane.   
Surprise, cause now I'm smiling again.   
Surprise, cause you showed up with your parachute.   
Surprise, I'm kind of happy you showed up.   
Truthfully I   
I'm finding finally.   
Truthfully you   
You helped me find at last.   
Truthfully we   
Are finding out what's true.   
And Truthfully I am finding out what's you.   
Truthfully, I really can't explain, I'm floating, I'm smiling again.   
Truthfully, I can't ignore you, cause I've been waiting for you.   
Truthfully, I'm not desperate, I haven't changed my mind since we first met,   
But the last thing that I want to do is to tell you that I'm right for you.   
Truthfully I   
I'm finding finally.   
Truthfully you   
You helped me find at last.  
Truthfully we   
Are finding out what's true.   
And Truthfully I am finding out what's you.   
I'm finding finally.   
Truthfully, I'm finding out what's you.  
I'm smiling again.   
Truthfully  
  
-- Truthfully  
by Lisa Loeb_

****

Author's note: I apologize for any misspellings or weird turns of phrase or typos but I really want to get this chapter up today. I should wait and do another edit but I'm anxious to see what you all think.


	17. Should Have Known

****

Seek and Go Hide  
part seventeen

As the 'Escape The Timescape' credits rolled, Jack turned to Doug and said, "Well that was terrible but I loved it!"

"It had a certain chaotic charm," agreed Doug with a smile. He and Jack had spent the movie whispering and making jokes about the corny dialogue, convenient plot points and hilarious special effects. They were lucky there weren't very many people in the theatre otherwise someone might have complained. 

"Any movie that has The Rock bellowing 'Shut up Timex. After this lickin' you won't be tickin'!' is a winner in my book," laughed Jack. He stood up, stretched a little, and put on his coat. The crunch of popcorn under his feet re-ignited his earlier embarrassment but he tried to play it off, "You want to go get some coffee? Or maybe some popcorn you can actually eat rather than wear?"

Doug glanced at his watch and was relieved to see that it wasn't really very late. "Coffee, sure, why not?"

As the walked out into the lobby, Doug noticed that the cashier and concessionaire kept a close eye on him and Jack. Hoping to diffuse their apparent suspicions, he stared back at them, smiled a tight smile and said, "Evening."

The cashier didn't miss a beat and replied, "Have a good night and thanks for coming to The Rialto. Please come again." As soon as she finished speaking to Doug, she turned to her co-worker and whispered something in his ear. Whatever she said caused him to burst out laughing.

Doug felt himself flush and a new set of knots formed in the pit of his stomach. He made a point to put a little more distance between he and Jack. Jack hadn't noticed anything unusual and was still carrying on about the movie, how awesome The Rock was, how it was too bad he kept doing these silly movies. Doug tried to pay attention.

They stepped outside; it had gotten considerably colder. Doug zipped up his jacket and Jack pulled a hat out of his pocket and put it on. The street was quiet. 10:30 on a Thursday night and Capeside was nearly deserted. 

"I had a feeling it was going to get cold again," he said referring to his hat. "I've been feeling like I've been fighting off a cold the past few days so better safe than sorry." 

"You mean better bundled and warm than infectious and phlegmy."

"Well that's a more precise, if less appealing, way of saying it," said Jack with a smile. He reached over to take Doug's hand. Doug reacted as if he had been burned.

"No Jack!" He wrenched his hand away and took a step away from Jack.

Confused, Jack stopped and said, "What?"

Doug looked around nervously, turning his head this way and that, to see if anyone had been watching. The street looked empty but you never knew. "Not here," he hissed angrily.

Jack furrowed his brow, "What do you mean not here?"

"Not where people can see us!" insisted Doug vehemently.

"What?!" This time Jack's voice was angry. He felt like Doug had just punched him in the face. 

Doug just stared at him; his blue eyes a mass of bewilderment, resentment and terror. Jack felt his breath leave his body. He shook his head slowly, "No. No. No! Dammit. Doug...I thought...I thought you were ready for this...ready for me." The hurt and vulnerability in his voice made Jack wince. The last thing he wanted to do now was fall apart.

"I...I am. Ready. For you...but not...not the whole world..." Doug felt his throat tighten and a lump of tears dissolved with a bitter taste.

"No! _**I'm**_ a part of the world and so are you! If you're not ready for the world...then you're not ready! Dammit!" Jack paced in a small circle. He clenched and unclenched his fists. He couldn't believe he didn't see this coming. His anger was threatening to erupt and he didn't know if he was mad at Doug or himself. _Why do I put myself in these situations?_ thought Jack angrily. He glared at Doug.

"Can we not have this conversation here?" snapped Doug. He desperately wanted to put an end to this scene right away. Before anyone saw them, before anyone heard. 

"We can have this conversation here or we can just not have it at all!" shot back Jack but he kept his voice down. 

Exasperated, Doug barked, "Why are you being so stubborn!"

Jack felt something inside of him snap, "Why are you being such a coward?!"

Coward. The word hung between them for what felt like an eternity. Finally, when he couldn't take the knife-like sight of Jack scowling at him with such wounded disappointment, fury and disgust, Doug turned and, without a word, walked away. 

Jack stared after him but didn't move. For a moment he felt terrible, but resolutely he turned his heart to stone. Jack told himself he was right. Doug had misled him. Doug had gotten his hopes up. Doug had made a fool of him. And he'd be damned before he went chasing after him now.

--------------------------

Doug walked into his silent apartment. He didn't bother turning on any lights. He took off his coat, kicked off his shoes and headed for the bedroom. He hadn't known he could feel both so fantastic and so wretched in the span of just a few hours. Coward. Coward. The word reverberated throughout every cell in his ice-cold body. Coward. Jack was right. He was a coward. Who was it who said 'A coward is incapable of love; it is the prerogative of the brave'? Whoever it was, they were right. Jack was right. He was a coward. He didn't deserve...he couldn't...he'd never be able to... Doug fell onto his bed and curled into a fetal position. He vaguely felt tears roll down his cheeks. He didn't cry; he didn't move. All he wanted was to sleep, to escape this horrible feeling, to escape being a coward. 

--------------------------

_

Love me when nobody else can see  
Touch my soul, then treat me like I am a stranger  
This is not the way I want to feel  
Should have known a love this strong  
Would bring some danger  
  
But if it's all in my head  
I'll find a way to make it end  
It's magic and it's tragic  
  
Slingshots whisper my teardrops an answer  
What am I to you?  
Slingshots you forgot my kisses don't miss this  
What am I to you?  
  
Shame, how you got me  
Ripping words off my lips to keep from asking  
I fall when you call  
Press my ear against the phone to hear your lips move  
  
I guess it's all in my head  
And in time I'll make amends  
It's magic but it's so tragic  
I want you so bad  
What's wrong with me baby?  
I want you so bad  
What's wrong with you baby?  
  
Love me when nobody else can see  
Touch my soul then treat me like a stranger  
This is not the way I like to feel  
I should have known a love this strong  
Would bring some danger  
  
Slingshots whisper my teardrops an answer  
What am I to you  
Slingshots you forgot my kisses don't miss this  
What am I to you  
  
--Slingshots  
by Morley   


_

--------------------------

**_Author's note: Well - it's not what you wanted huh? All I can say is that the course of true love never did run smooth. I'm trying to adhere to the timeline set by the last episode so things are going to be rough for Jack and Doug for a while yet. But I think it'll be worth it. I hope you think so too! Thanks to everyone for your kind words and encouragement. I'm *shocked* this chapter is going up so fast -- it's short so that helps. But it's also because of you! Anyway, despite the pain, I promise that good stuff is just ahead. I've said it before, but Amy's birth really is just around the corner._**


	18. It's That Time!

**Seek and Go Hide  
part eighteen **  
  
The next week passed with both Jack and Doug doing their best to out-ignore the other. Pacey bore the brunt of the fight despite the fact that neither man would actually talk about whatever had happened.   
  
_Not that it takes a genius_, thought Pacey, _even I can guess what probably happened._ He figured Doug had gotten uptight and freaked out which made Jack feel insulted and caused him to lash out. It was the only thing that made sense considering how the two moped around town looking both pissed off and guilty. Of course if he asked them what was up, they both insisted they were totally fine and he was making something out of nothing.   
  
_Poor Dougie, he's so cut off from normal human emotions...he's like a robot trying to understand our strange unknown human ways...well it's no wonder he's a mess. And Jack, Jack's so determined not to be caught unaware and hurt again that he'd become master of the preemptive strike. And damn he could be so mean!_ Pacey's thoughts went in circles. He knew them both so well but he had no idea how to help either one of them. _Maybe it's just a bad idea..._   
  
Pacey's cell phone rang and he quickly answered it happy to have a reason to stop thinking about his ridiculous older brother and his stubborn best friend.   
  
"Ahoy hoy," answered Pacey cheerfully using one of his favorite Mr. Burn's expressions.   
  
"Pacey, what are you doing?" Jack's stressed out voice reverberated loudly in Pacey's ear.   
  
"Watching the Simpsons, coloring my hair, practicing Tai Chi and ending the conflict in the Middle East ...no wait, scratch that, I'm just watching the Simpsons." Pacey yawned and scratched his chest absentmindedly; he figured his quiet night at home was just about to come to an end. He was right.   
  
"Listen, my car died and I had to have it towed. I need you to come pick me up."   
  
"Pick you up? Where are you?"   
  
"Daleman."   
  
"What in the world are you doing out there?"   
  
"Look can you come get me or not?" snapped Jack.   
  
"Ok, simmer down there princess! I'll come get you. Care to tell me where exactly you are or should I just guess?"   
  
"I'm at Franz Daleman Auto. It's on Strander Boulevard and Northeast 9th. Across from the IHOP. Is that enough info for you or should I ask what the GPS coordinates are?"   
  
"I think I can find it. But Jack?"   
  
"What?"   
  
"Ice the bitchitude before I get there or you're riding in the trunk."   
  
"Just come get me," said Jack stonily. Then he hung up.   
  
Pacey hung up his phone and sighed. Jack was so much fun when he was like this! Pacey grabbed his keys and headed out the door.   
  
--------   
  
Jack paced around the mechanic's parking lot waiting for Pacey. The car breaking down hadn't been the first or only thing to go wrong this week but it promised to be the most inconvenient. _How am I going to get to work tomorrow?_ Angrily, Jack kicked at the pavement; it seemed the worse his mood was the more things went wrong. Just this morning he had broken a glass into a million shards after he spilled the contents, orange juice, all over the kitchen. The juice had gotten everywhere - on his shoes, in the toaster, all down the side of the refrigerator, on the floor. He hadn't really had time to clean it up before he left for school and the thought of the sticky mess, not to mention the glass pieces awaiting him at home, infuriated him even further. In the back of his mind Jack knew that his foul mood and anger had more to do with hurt and disappointment over the situation with Doug than with the broken down car or shattered glass or anything else that had gone wrong this week. But the hurt was still so fresh and raw that he refused to really think about it. Instead he just kept fuming and pacing around the parking lot wishing that the anger would erase those other feelings.   
  
--------   
  
At the same time, Jen was wrapped snuggly in a blanket and laying on the couch in her apartment. She was so tired lately and she couldn't get comfortable. Suddenly she felt a sharp intense pain. She closed her eyes, held her breath and waited for it to abate. When it finally did, she told herself it was no big deal and went back to reading her book. Idly she patted her stomach and said, "Settle down sweetie. Be nice to Mommy."   
  
--------   
  
The next day, Friday, Jack was still in a foul mood. His car was having major issues, expensive transmission-type issues and it was going to take until at least Saturday to be fixed. He had arranged for one of his co-workers to swing by and pick him up so they could carpool. But of course, in his hurry to leave the house he had forgotten a few things. It wasn't until he got to school that he realized he'd left his cell phone, his lunch and most of the graded quizzes his students had turned in on Tuesday at home. Jack was definitely felt like he just couldn't win this week. So when Ms. Doughty and Mrs. Mulligan suggested happy hour at the Big Ace Saloon he was only too happy to agree.   
  
Mrs. Mulligan dropped him off at home around 8:30pm and Jack was more or less drunk. Shoulda had lunch, he thought as he scrounged around in the still sticky kitchen for something to eat. There wasn't much to choose from, he had to settle for some beef jerky and a frozen waffle. While he waited for the waffle to pop out of the toaster he saw his cell phone on the counter. It was next to his lunch and on top of the pile of papers he had forgotten. Happily he dug into the sack lunch. As he munched on the chips he noticed that the phone display said he had some messages.   
  
The first one was from the mechanic. 

> _Mr. McPhee, Lyle Armatrading here from Franz Daleman Auto. Got some bad news 'bout your car I'm 'fraid. Gotta order some parts that we won't get in for a few days...I'm thinking better not plan on the car being ready until Monday or Tuesday. Give me a call back 555-6674. _

Jack swore under his breath at the inconvenience but he didn't have long to think about it. The next message was from Grams. 

> _Jack dear, Jennifer's gone into labor, apparently it started last night but she ignored it thinking it couldn't possibly be the baby. Well, we're off to the hospital now. Call me when you get a moment. We know you're in school dear so don't worry. The baby won't be here any time soon. Of course, I can't tell Jennifer that, she's already hollering for an epidural._

Her voice was calm with just a hint of laughter in it. The next message was also from Grams, this time her calm manner seemed a little forced. _  
_

> _ Hello Jack dear. Now everything's fine but I do wish you'd call. Jennifer's been asking for you. The doctors say we've got a long haul ahead of us. Please call Jack._

The fourth and final message was from Jen. Jack listened to it as he raced around the room frantically looking for his shoes, his wallet, his keys....his keys...the car...shit! 

> _Jack! Where are you? I can't believe that I am here and you are not! I DEMAND that you and Grams act out scenes from Moulin Rouge for me! Why are you not here yet? You better be on your way mister! Owwwwwwwwww! Ohhhhhh! Dammit Jack! I need you here so get your ass here prontoooooOOOOOOOhhhhh! Grams get the doctor - there has got to be some sort of pharmaceutical reprieve for this!_

Jack was just about to run out the door with Jen hollering in his ear, when he smelled smoke. Swearing he dashed into the kitchen to find the toaster belching smoke and even a tiny flame or two. He dropped the cell phone on the counter and quickly unplugged the toaster. Frantically he looked around the kitchen wondered what the best course of action was. He rummaged through a drawer and grabbed a pair of barbeque tongs. Gingerly he fished out the blackened, still smoking waffle out and threw it in the sink. He ran some water in the sink and tried to fan the smoke away. Satisfied that the fire was out, Jack sprinted out the front door and toward town.   
  
His plan, such that it was, was to run over to the Ice House, borrow Pacey's car and haul ass to NYC. If Pacey wasn't there...well Jack refused to consider that prospect. In his head he tried to compute how long it would take to get there. _If I can go 70 miles an hour the whole way there it'll take...still nearly four hours. 85 means just over 3 hours...I think...ok, then I'll go 90...that's cool. It's fast but it's cool._   
  
When he got to the Ice House, the place was packed. Jack ran in and almost plowed down the hostess but he didn't bother to stop. He headed for the bar knowing that that was where Pacey was most Friday nights unless one of the chefs called in sick.   
  
But Pacey wasn't there, Seth was. "What's up Mr. McPhee? You look..." Seth searched for the right polite word. The truth was, Jack looked distressed and almost hysterical - he was sweaty, his hair was a mess and his eyes had a wide look of pie-eyed panic. Seth had been bartending long enough to recognize that look but he was still too polite to comment on it.   
  
Luckily Jack wasn't listening, "Where's Pacey?" he barked loudly enough for a few patron to turn around to see what was going on.   
  
"Mr. Witter took the night off."   
  
"Pacey never takes Fridays off!" snapped Jack as he glared around the room half expecting to see Pacey somewhere in the back thinking this was funny.   
  
"Well," said Seth calmly and with a kind smile, "he had a date with Miss Elena. She's leaving for Phoenix tomorrow I hear. Can I get you a glass of water?"   
  
"Do you know where he was going? Where he went?" Jack felt like crying - if he couldn't find Pacey what was he going to do? The memory of Jen's voice came back to him, Jack! I need you here...   
  
"No sir, 'fraid I don't..."   
  
"Well that's just great! Super! Terrific!" hollered a frustrated Jack. Seth looked startled and wondered what he was supposed to do.   
  
"What's the problem here?" A calm, stern voice caused Jack to spin around. It was Doug. Jack didn't know whether to hug him or punch him in the nose.   
  
Seeing Jack's disheveled appearance and distraught face caused Doug's heart to leap into his throat, "What's wrong Jack? What is it?" His care and concern were written all over his face. Jack barely noticed.   
  
"It's Jen. Can I borrow your car?"   
  
--------   
  


_ Lightning crashes, a new mother cries_  
_ Her placenta falls to the floor_  
_ The angel opens her eyes_  
_ The confusion sets in_  
_ Before the doctor can even close the door_  
  
_ Lightning crashes, an old mother dies_  
_ Her intentions fall to the floor_  
_ The angel closes her eyes_  
_ The confusion that was hers_  
_ Belongs now, to the baby down the hall_  
  
_ Oh now feel it comin' back again_  
_ Like a rollin' thunder chasing the wind_  
_ Forces pullin' from the center of the earth again_  
_ I can feel it._  
  
_ Lightning crashes, a new mother cries_  
_ This moment she's been waiting for_  
_ The angel opens her eyes_  
_ Pale blue colored iris, presents the circle_  
_ And puts the glory out to hide, hide_  
  
_ Lightning Crashes_  
_by Live  
  
_

**Well, if anyone is still reading, I thank you for your patience and promise that chapter 19 will be up sometime this week. Also, there shouldn't be any more ridiculously (stupid) long delays between updates so don't give up on me! **  


_  
_


	19. The Miles Fly By

**Seek and Go Hide  
part nineteen **  
  
"Jen? What's wrong with Jen?" Doug's heart leapt into his throat even as he steered Jack out of the restaurant and away from the all-too-curious patrons of The Ice House.   
  
"What do you think?" snapped a frustrated Jack. "She's having the baby! Can I have your car or not?"   
  
"The baby? But it's too early..."   
  
"I KNOW! Jesus Doug! Are you going to help me or are we going to keep playing Twenty Pointless Questions here?"   
  
Doug told himself not to take Jack's anger personally but it was hard. He sighed, "I'll help you Jack."   
  
"Great, give me your car keys." Jack snapped his fingers and held his hand out obviously expecting Doug to just pass them over with no further questions.   
  
"You've been drinking." It wasn't a question.   
  
"I'm fine." Jack snapped his fingers again, "Keys."   
  
"No. And quit snapping your fingers at me like that!" replied Doug somewhat peevishly.   
  
"What?! Doug, come on! I've got to get to New York - now!"   
  
"I get that Jack. But there is no way I'm letting you drive in this condition. Not in my car, not in any car."   
  
"What condition?" spat Jack.   
  
"Intoxicated and frantic," answered Doug calmly.   
  
"Oh for fuck's sake! I'm fine! Look, I can walk a straight line, I can touch my nose..."   
  
"No Jack." Doug's voice was firm. The two men stared at each other. Doug watched Jack's anger fade and his face begin crumple.   
  
"Doug, come on. It's Jen. She needs me." Jack looked imploringly at Doug; he was desperate to make him understand.   
  
"I'll drive you."   
  
"No, I can't ask you to..." Jack shook his head quickly and repeatedly.   
  
"You didn't ask..."   
  
"No, Doug..."   
  
"Look Jack, as far as I can tell, you have two options, you can let me drive or you can wait for Pacey to get back from his date and have him drive you. Either way, you aren't driving. So I guess it's just a matter of how soon do you want to leave?"   
  
Jack gave up, "Fine. Fine. You win! Can we just go?"   
  
"Sure, my car's right over here."  
  
----------   
  
On the way out of town, Doug made a quick stop at his place - much to Jack's renewed annoyance.   
  
"It'll take one minute Jack. Just wait here."   
  
Jack sat in the car and tried to calm down but it just wasn't possible. Every few seconds some new complication occurred to him - so many things could go wrong! So many things weren't done! He kept hearing Jen screaming in his ear, wondering where he was, why he had abandoned her. Jack rocked back and forth nervously in the passenger seat and bit his lip worriedly.   
  
Doug reappeared and threw a black duffle bag into the back seat. He handed Jack a bottle of Gatorade and said, "Here, drink this. We'll get coffee on the road somewhere."   
  
"We don't have time to stop anywhere," argued Jack even as he wrenched opened the bottle. He took a long drink. Doug rolled his eyes slightly at the statement but chose not to fight about it just then.   
  
He fastened his seatbelt, put the car in drive and then they were off.   
  
It was deadly silent in the car for a while, each man lost in his own thoughts. When they finally pulled onto Route 25 West, Jack let out a long frustrated sigh. "Seriously Doug, you have got to drive faster ok? If ever there was a time to take advantage of the fact that you are an officer of the law, it's now. Step on it."   
  
"Jack, I'm already going faster than the speed limit..."   
  
Once again Jack exploded, "Don't you get it? She's having the baby! She's **been** having the baby since **last night**! I have to get there - she's all alone!"   
  
"Alone? Isn't Mrs. Ryan with her?" asked a genuinely puzzled Doug.   
  
"Well, yes."   
  
"And her Mom?"   
  
"Maybe. Probably..." admitted Jack reluctantly.   
  
Doug continued to push, "And the doctors and the nurses..."   
  
"Alright, yes. But **I'm** not there and **I** don't know what's going on and they don't know why I'm not there and..."   
  
"Didn't you call?"   
  
The simple question floored Jack. He couldn't believe he had forgotten to call! He didn't say anything.   
  
"Why don't you call?" asked Doug trying not to laugh.   
  
"Right. I'll call. Of course." Jack reached into his jacket pocket and then remembered setting the phone down on the kitchen counter. "I forgot my phone," he said somewhat sheepishly. He banged his head lightly on the dashboard and whispered, "Damn, damn, damn."   
  
Without saying anything, Doug pulled out his phone and passed it over to Jack. Jack took it without a word but flashed Doug the briefest of smiles. He flipped the phone open and stared blankly at the keypad. After a minute Doug offered, "Just dial the number then hit the green button..."   
  
"I know how to use a phone!" barked Jack.   
  
"Well you could have fooled me!" retorted Doug sharply.   
  
"I don't believe this! I don't. I don't believe it! I. Do. Not. **Believe.** This."   
  
"What?" asked Doug rapidly becoming as exasperated as Jack.   
  
"This! This whole situation!"   
  
"Well, you better believe it, because it's happening buddy." When Jack didn't respond, Doug continued, "I thought you were going to make a call?"   
  
"Jen doesn't have a cell right now and Grams got a new phone a couple of weeks ago..."   
  
"So?"   
  
"So I don't know the new number yet. It's in my phone but... FUCK!" Jack tore at his hair and kicked furiously at the car floor.   
  
Doug placed a warm hand on Jack's shoulder and said, "Settle down, do you know what hospital they are at?"   
  
"Yes," replied a suddenly still Jack. "St. Luke's-Roosevelt Hospital."   
  
"Then call information, get the number for the hospital. Call the hospital; have them transfer you to Obstetrics. I'm sure someone there can either find Mrs. Ryan or at least tell you what's going on."   
  
"Right. Right, good idea."   
  
When Jack finally got a hold of Grams, he could have wept with relief. He explained the situation quickly; assuring her he was on his way and would be there soon. She told him about Jen - that she was fine, was in fact sleeping at the moment, and that the baby was also fine. Except for the fact that Jen was a couple of weeks early, everything was going very smoothly. The doctors didn't seem too worried and they guessed that the baby would be there sometime in the late morning. Grams told Jack how to find them once he got into the city. She assured him that Jen and the baby were doing just fine and urged him to relax. When Jack hung up, he exhaled loudly.   
  
"Feel better?" asked Doug.   
  
"Yes. Sort of..." Jack rubbed his tired eyes, "Not really. No..."   
  
"Now what?"   
  
"It's just...there's so much stuff that isn't done. Stuff I promised Jen we'd do... that I'd do." The level of anxiety in Jack's voice began to increase.   
  
"Like what?"   
  
"Like the entire nursery. Paint, furniture...the crib isn't even put together. We were gonna baby-proof the apartment. Buy diapers, a baby monitor, a mobile...other stuff."   
  
"Relax Jack, it'll get done. Besides, I don't think any baby has ever decided to move out because the family didn't have a mobile ready to twirl the minute she came home from the hospital." Doug smiled, trying to make Jack laugh a little. It didn't work.   
  
"But it was my responsibility Doug! Mine! And I just kept putting it off and putting it off like it didn't matter. Like I had all the time in the world. I've been too distracted by..." Jack looked at Doug and his voice trailed off.   
  
"By me."   
  
There was a pause. "Yeah. I mean it's not your fault but...yeah, you got me a little...sidetracked."   
  
"Sidetracked?" asked Doug archly. "I sidetracked you? Well, I guess that's fair seeing as you totally blindsided me...My deepest apologies."   
  
"Doug? Look, I didn't mean..."   
  
"You know what Jack? We've got a long drive ahead of us. Why don't you take a nap or something?" The dismissive tone in Doug's voice cut through Jack like a knife.   
  
"I just can't be with someone who can't be totally open about who they are..." he said firmly but he hoped kindly.   
  
"So you've said," replied Doug curtly. "Repeatedly in fact. Maybe you should get a bumper sticker - 'I'd Rather Be Out' or 'I Heart Being Out'. Or maybe 'I'm So Out I'm In!'"   
  
"Very funny. If you'd just..." began Jack.   
  
"What? Be less of a coward?" Doug glared at Jack; the memory of that exchange sent fresh ripples of shame and hurt through him. "You know, I really don't want to talk about this Jack. Not now, not ever actually. And since I'm doing you a favor here, I'm going to ask you to respect my wishes and just shut up." Doug's knuckles had turned white from griping the steering wheel so tightly. He didn't look at Jack at all but stared straight ahead and increased the pressure on the accelerator; the car surged forward.   
  
Jack realized it was pointless to try and talk about this now. He sighed, leaned his head back against the seat, and closed his eyes. The miles flew by and neither man said anything.  
  
----------   
  


_Show me where you found your faith and_  
_ Does it help you sleep at night_  
_ I am not that complicated_  
_ I just need some time_  
_ Because it doesn't feel right_  
_ And I'm mostly very tired_  
_ Life is easy when you fake it_  
_ Right until you realize_  
_ Your happiness is unrelated_  
_ To anything you have inside_  
_ And it doesn't feel right_  
_ And I'm mostly very tired_  
_ Every chance I get to distract myself_  
_ I won't try to convince myself_  
_ That there's anything for real or_  
_ That we're sure of what we feel_  
_ Quiet time is underrated_  
_ I still can't stand to be alone_  
_ That might be why I'm so unstable_  
_ Barely able to hold on_  
_ And I just don't feel right_  
_ And I'm mostly very tired_  
_ --Tired_  
_ - By K's Choice_  


**  
  
Author's note: I just cannot tell you how much I appreciate everyone who is patiently sticking with Seek And Go Hide! Your comments mean so much to me! I promise that chapter 20 will be up sometime before 6/26. Yea, a schedule!  
**


	20. Baby Mine

**Seek and Go Hide  
part twenty**  
  
"Jack, wake up." Doug shook Jack gently by the shoulder, "We're just about to the city and I need you to tell me where to go."  
  
Jack was surprised to find that he had actually fallen asleep. He cleared his throat, looked around and tried to get his bearings. "Uhm, right. Let's see...we need to get on the West Side Highway and then take the 96th Street exit and go east to Amsterdam...I think that's right. I'll know when we get closer." Jack was grateful he had gone with Jen to a few of her doctor appointments otherwise he would have had no idea where to go.   
  
Doug didn't say anything else; he just kept driving. Jack noticed the tight set of Doug's jaw and frowned slightly. He hadn't meant to make Doug so angry, not when he was doing him such a huge favor. _But the fact is, he needs to deal with it,_ thought Jack defensively._ How can he not understand that being afraid and keeping secrets is a million times harder than just accepting it and getting on with life?_   
  
Jack tried to break the tension in the car and asked, "What time is it anyway?" He stretched as best he could in the passenger seat. He felt the slight rumblings of a hangover in his head and stomach but tried to ignore it.   
  
"It's just past 1 a.m."   
  
"Wow, you are making good time," said Jack appreciatively. When Doug still didn't respond, he continued, "You must be exhausted."   
  
'I'm fine."   
  
"You want me to drive?"   
  
"I really don't."   
  
Jack nodded and gave up the small talk. He considered calling Gram and Jen again to let them know where he was, but he didn't want to ask Doug for the phone again. So he stared out the window and tried to think about something other than Jen or Doug. _I need to remember to call Joey when I get to the hospital and let her know what's going on. Pacey too._ He wondered if he should call Dawson out in California. _Might as well even though I'll probably just get his voicemail._   
  
-------------------   
  
When they got to the hospital is was twenty to two in the morning. Doug dropped Jack off at the front entrance and went to look for parking. Jack found his way up to the birthing center and stopped at the front desk, "What room is Jen Lindley in please?"   
  
"I'm sorry sir, regular visiting hours are 11a.m. to 8:00 p.m., please come back then." answered the busy nurse without even looking up at him.   
  
Jack didn't even have time to think, he just opened his mouth and said, "But I'm the father!"   
  
The nurse looked up sharply, "Didn't you say Jennifer Lindley?"   
  
"Yes..."   
  
"I'm sorry but it was my understanding," she grabbed a file and flipped through it rapidly, "that there was no involvement from the father in the Lindley case. Yes, it says right here - single mother, grandmother as support." The nurse shot Jack a dirty look, "And yet you claim to be the father?"   
  
Jack swallowed hard, "Yeah, well what can I say? I've been a shit dad so far but I want to change Nurse..." he looked at her badge, "...Clayton. I mean I've still got rights don't I?"   
  
Nurse Clayton pursed her lips but smiled a tight, mean, little smile and said, "Of course you do. Ms. Lindley is in room 7713. Down the hall, to the left, past the atrium. Don't upset her."   
  
"Thank you." Jack walked down the hall and wondered what would happen if they found out he wasn't the father - would he be banned from the hospital? As soon as he turned the corner and was out of sight of the formidable Nurse Clayton, Jack picked up his pace and sprinted down the hall and toward Jen.   
  
-------------------   
  
Doug was having a hell of time finding parking. It seemed most of the hospital-affiliated parking lots were either full or closed until 5:30a.m. He was dead tired but he kept up the slow, methodical search knowing that eventually he'd find something.   
  
-------------------   
  
When he got to Jen's room, Jack paused and took a deep breath. He tried to fix his hair and clothes but he knew he looked like a walking disaster. _Maybe it'll make Jen feel better seeing me like this. After all, she's not going to be picture perfect herself!_ thought Jack with a smile. He slowly and quietly pushed open the door, not wanting to wake her if she was asleep. The first thing he saw was Grams, asleep in a chair, with a blanket over her knees and her worn Bible in her lap. Jack opened the door further and was surprised to see Jen not only awake but looking luminously beautiful if a little pale. She was reading a magazine in the soft glow of the bedside lamp.   
  
"Hey, pretty lady..." whispered Jack as he stepped into the room.   
  
Jen smiled her wide, perfect smile and sat up further in the bed but whispered, "Do I know you?" She cocked an eyebrow at him and pretended to be puzzled.   
  
"I'm sorry it took me so long to get here. You wouldn't believe..." Jack continued to speak softly in hopes of not disturbing Grams.   
  
"Shut up and come give me a hug."   
  
Jack was all too happy to comply. "I'm so glad you're finally here," whispered Jen in his ear.   
  
"Me too. Me too," whispered Jack back. He sat down on the edge of the bed careful not to squash Jen but she gestured for him to lie down next to her. He kicked off his shoes and did just that. He wrapped an arm around Jen and she snuggled in close. "So, I thought you were having a baby here but you look far too glamorous for that! I expected to find you all red and sweaty and angry..." teased Jack.   
  
"Yeah, well, that part comes later and besides, I was waiting for someone."   
  
Jack kissed the top of her head and felt himself relax. No matter what, he was here and that's all that mattered. "So how ya been?"   
  
-------------------   
  
When Doug finally found parking and got back to the hospital, it was nearly a quarter to three. He stared at the directory in the hospital lobby and tried to make sense of it. The words and numbers swam in front of his tired eyes. Eventually he figured out where he needed to go and headed up to the birthing center on the seventh floor.   
  
Luckily for Doug there had been a shift change at 2:00 a.m. and the formidable Nurse Clayton was gone for the night. "Jen Lindley's room please?"   
  
"And you are?" asked the young nurse now working the front desk.   
  
"Sheriff Doug Witter," he answered out of force of habit.   
  
The nurse looked alarmed, "Are you here to arrest Ms. Lindley for something Sheriff?"   
  
Doug was so tired that the question didn't really make sense. "No..." he shook his head slowly.   
  
"Oh, good. Well unless you're the father, you'll have to come back during visiting hours. That's 11a.m."  
  
"I am the father," said Doug quickly. He hoped he looked like he was telling the truth. "And I'm really, really late." "Oh, well, then ok. Let me check..." The nurse pulled something up on the computer and said, "She's in room 7713, down the hall, to the left, past the atrium." She smiled warmly at Doug and he did his best to grin back but it came out looking kind of guilty and forced.  
  
"Thanks," he walked quickly down the hall.  
  
"Congratulations!" called the nurse after him.   
  
When he got to the room, he stopped outside the partially open door. Jen was having a contraction. Jack and Grams each held one of her hands, which she gripped tightly. Grams smoothed her hair back and Jack encouraged her to do the special Lamaze breathing. Jen groaned and kept her eyes tightly closed. Doug heard a nurse say, "Still only 5 centimeters dilated."  
  
Doug saw Jen's eyes fly open and heard her holler, "How is that even possible?!"  
  
Doug smiled his first genuine smile in several hours and decided to go see if he could find an open gift shop or pharmacy and give the three of them a little more time alone together. He figured in a hospital this big, there had to be at least one.   
  
When he returned twenty minutes later he had nice bouquet of sweetpeas and lilacs as well as a large Mylar balloon that said 'Happy Birthday Sunshine!' The door was closed so he knocked softly. Grams opened the door, "Douglas Witter! How nice to see you! Come in, come in."   
  
Doug stepped into the room and suddenly felt very shy and out of place. But Jen, looking a little tired and flushed, welcomed him with a warm smile, "Doug! Hi! Are those for me?" She reached eagerly for the flowers. Doug happily handed them over and watched delightedly as Jen buried her face in them and inhaled deeply. He tied the balloon to the foot of the bed. "Oh, they smell so good! Thank you! You shouldn't have but I'm glad you did!" She sniffed them again reveling in the fresh, sweet scent.   
  
"I'm glad you like them Jen. How are you doing?" Doug did his best to ignore Jack even though he sat right next to Jen.   
  
"Fine. And then terrible. And then fine again. Apparently that's how this labor thing goes."   
  
"So I hear," chuckled Doug. "You hang in there ok?"   
  
"How'd you get in here Doug?" asked Jack grumpily. He hated the way Doug wouldn't even look at him.   
  
"Jack! Don't be rude!" gasped Jen.   
  
Doug looked sheepish and said "Actually, I told the lady at the front desk I was the baby's father. I hope that's ok? I didn't really know what else to do and it just sort of came out..."   
  
"Ok? That's hilarious! They believed you? Awesome!" laughed Jen.   
  
"Well, at first they thought I was here to arrest you..."   
  
"Oh my god! Even better! How funny would that be? Me leaking amniotic fluid as you lead me away in handcuffs?" Jen's laughter filled the room; Doug and Grams joined in.   
  
But Grams couldn't resist saying, "Jennifer please! Don't be so crude!"   
  
"See Grams, I told you it could be worse - I could be having the baby in the pokey."   
  
The smile faded from Grams face briefly, "Jennifer..." She composed herself and said, "Don't be silly dear," with a smile. But something had changed between the two women and neither Doug nor Jack was sure just what.   
  
"Well, I probably shouldn't stay since I don't want to get anyone in trouble. But I wanted to check in..."   
  
"See you later then," said Jack irritably.   
  
"What are you going to do Doug?" asked Jen as she shot Jack the evil eye. _What's his problem anyway? _she wondered.   
  
Doug continued to flat out ignore Jack and focused on Jen, "I figured I'd check into a hotel, take a shower, get a little sleep if I can and then come back for regular visiting hours - if that's ok?"   
  
"Of course it's ok! Only there's no reason to go to a hotel - you can crash over at my place. It's not far from here. But be warned it's a bit of a mess." Jen made a face when she realized what an understatement 'a bit of a mess' really was but she kept smiling.   
  
"Thanks but I don't want to impose..."   
  
"You aren't imposing Doug. Really. Just stay out of the bedroom - there was some female-type baby labor business going on in there. Other than that, make yourself at home. I insist. Grams give him the keys would you please?"   
  
Grams rummaged through her bag, scribbled the address on a scrap of paper and handed a set of keys to Doug, "It's on the third floor." She smiled kindly at Doug, "Do get some sleep Douglas, you look exhausted."   
  
"Thanks Mrs. Ryan." Doug glanced briefly at Jack who feigned interest in the monitor Jen was hooked up to. Jack didn't say anything. "Ok then, well I'll see you all later."   
  
Doug left quickly but not so quickly that he didn't hear Jen say, "Ok Jackers, spill it! What's going on between you two?" He momentarily considered staying and listening to Jack's answer but he was too afraid of what he might hear. So he kept walking.   
  
-------------------   
  
When Doug got to Jen's place he was too tired to do anything other than drop his bag in the middle of the living room, fall on the couch and go to sleep. He'd been up for twenty-three hours straight; _I'm too old for this,_ thought Doug right before he conked out.   
  
-------------------   
  
Later, at the hospital Jen was having yet another contraction. "You called him a **COWARD**?! Gahhhh! Jack! How could you? Oh! Oh! Ahhhhhhhhh! Coward? How **STUPID** are you? **Owwwwwwwww ohhhhhhh!** Idiot!" She tried to catch her breath, "That was the WORST possible thing for you to sayy**yyyyyyYY**!" Jen screamed loud and long. Tears coursed down her face but she couldn't stop lecturing Jack. "Did you apologize? Gahhh ahh ahh. Did you tell him you didn't mean it? No, of course you didn't **OHHHH!** Stupid! Ah! Ah! Stubborn! Ah! Ah! Don't you remember ohhhhhhh...at all ahhh ah ah... remember at all how scary it was for you? **Owwwww!**" Jen loose another blood curdling scream, "Is my **DOCTOR** ever going to join us?"   
  
-------------------   
  
Doug woke to the sound of the phone ringing insistently in his ear. Groggily, he got up and looked for the phone; when he finally located it, he answered it and yawned, "Hello? Uhm, Lindley residence..."   
  
"Doug?" Jack's voice blared through the receiver, "You awake? Jen had the baby!"   
  
"What? Wait, what time is it?" asked Doug wondering exactly how long he had slept.   
  
"It's almost 9. You should see her Doug -- she's amazing. She's healthy and beautiful and really, really pink! She's like a little seashell."   
  
"I can't believe she had the baby already! It seems fast! Is Jen ok?"   
  
"She's great. Tired but great, actually I don't know when I've ever seen her so happy. But yeah, once the active labor and the pushing started it went really fast. Jen disagrees with that of course but Grams, the doctors and I all thought it went really fast. Her eyes are so blue Doug - they say that will change but I don't think so - I can't wait for you to see her!" Jack's happy voice reverberated in Doug's ear. The feeling was infectious and Doug found himself smiling and getting caught up in it all.   
  
"I'll be there at 11 - that's when visiting hours start. Do you need me to bring anything? Some food or...something...whatever...do you need anything?"   
  
"No, no I'm good but thanks. Ok, I gotta go - I gotta call Jen's mom at her hotel and I want to call Andie..."   
  
"Ok, Jack. I'll see you in a few hours. Give Jen a kiss for me...and thanks for calling."   
  
"Sure thing Doug."   
  
Doug hung up the phone but the smile remained on his face. He looked around Jen's apartment and shook his head. It was quite a mess with baby stuff and books and cds everywhere. He shuffled into the kitchen; the sink was full of dirty dishes and the refrigerator contained yogurt, oranges, pre-natal vitamins, a half-eaten box of mini donuts and not much else. He helped himself to an orange and continued his inspection. When he got to the room he was pretty sure was supposed to be the nursery he burst out laughing. Suddenly he knew what he had to do.   
  
First, he needed to call Pacey. Then he'd take a shower. After that? Well, after that there was plenty of work to be done.   
  
-------------------   
  
Pacey hung up the phone and laughed but he didn't dawdle. He needed to get dressed and head over to the restaurant. He had to grab the deposit from last night, run to the bank, find someone to cover for him for the next day or so and pick up some supplies. Then he had more errands to run thanks to Doug's very specific list. On top of that, he really wanted to hit the road by 10:30, 10:45 at the latest. So no, there was zero time to dawdle. There was however, plenty of time to call Jen and voice his approval on a job well done. He pulled on his jeans and dialed the number Doug had given him. He was buttoning his shirt when she answered, "Hey hot mama! I hear you've been busy..."   
  
-------------------   
  
Jack sat in the hall outside Jen's room. She was talking to her doctor and had asked for some privacy. Whatever they were talking about, it seemed to be taking a long time and Jack was getting antsy. Grams had gone home to get some sleep. Jen's mother, Helen, and Doug and would be here as soon as visiting hours started. Finally the doctor came out.   
  
Jack stood up quickly, "Is everything ok Dr. Brustman?"   
  
"Just fine Jack. You can go back on in..." answered Dr. Brustman. She gave him a curious look and smiled faintly, "Congratulations, I hear you're the godfather. You ready for that?"   
  
"Yeah..."   
  
The doctor's pager went off and she excused herself saying, "I'm sorry, I have to go. I'll see you later."   
  
"Sure thing doc," Jack crossed the hall and opened the door to Jen's room. He stood in the doorway and enjoyed the pretty site before him. Jen sat in her bed with the tiny, pink baby in her lap. She was laughing and whispering to the baby, counting her fingers, smoothing the slight blonde fuzz on the small head. To Jack she looked radiant, ethereal and so happy.   
  
Jen looked up and smiled at Jack, "Are you coming in or do you have some place better to be McPhee?"   
  
Jack chuckled, "I can't think of any place better than this Jen." He walked across the room and sat on the edge of the bed. Gently he kissed the baby on the top of her head.   
  
"Jack do you remember that day we left Capeside for New York...right after Grams got sick?"   
  
"Of course I do. Why?"   
  
"Do you remember how I kept saying that everything seemed to be shrinking and I couldn't touch it, couldn't have it any more and I didn't understand why I felt that way? You told me that that was goodbye." Jack nodded but didn't say anything. "This, this feeling it's like the exact opposite of that - it's like the best hello in the world, like my world just expanded into this new wonderful direction." A tear slipped down Jen's cheek but it was a happy tear, "I didn't know...I just didn't know that my heart could feel this big...this open. I'm so happy Jack. So happy. I wouldn't trade this for the world."   
  
-------------------   
  


_Baby mine, don't you cry_  
_ Baby mine, dry your eyes_  
_ Rest your head close to my heart_  
_ Never to part, baby of mine_  
_ Little one when you play_  
_ Don't you mind what you say_  
_ Let those eyes sparkle and shine_  
_ Never a tear, baby of mine_  
_ If they knew sweet little you_  
_ They'd end up loving you too_  
_ All those same people who scold you_  
_ What they'd give just for_  
_ The right to hold you_  
_ From your head to your toes_  
_ You're not much, goodness knows_  
_ But you're so precious to me_  
_ Cute as can be, baby of mine_  
_ --Baby Mine_  
_ -By N.Washington/F.Churchill_   


  
**Author's note: Surprise! I thought this chapter might get done fast but I didn't want to promise in case something came up. I hope you like it - I really enjoyed writing it. Chapter 21 should be up sometime next weekend - seriously. I got stuff to do this week :) Thanks for reading and reviewing!**  
  



	21. Things To Believe In

**Seek and Go Hide   
part twenty-one**  
  
Doug arrived at the hospital at promptly 11:00. When he got to Jen's room, Jack and Grams were already there. Or rather, Grams was already there and Jack was still there. Jack hadn't gone more then twenty feet from Jen's side since he got to the hospital last night and honestly, it showed.  
  
Doug couldn't help but grin at Jack's bedraggled appearance. He cleared his throat and said, "Morning. You guys ready for visitors?"  
  
"Doug! Come on in!" answered Jen cheerfully. "Come meet Miss Amy Evelyn Lindley. Although she's terrible at remembering names. I hope you won't it personally."  
  
"I'll try not to," chuckled Doug. He walked over to the bed and stared down at the sleeping baby in Jen's arms. Gently, he shook her tiny hand and said, "Nice to meet you Amy." At the sound of his deep, quiet voice Amy opened her eyes, blinked a few times and then went back to sleep. "Oh Jen, she's just beautiful," said Doug, his voice full of amazement.  
  
He looked at Jen, who smiled again and said, "I know. Thanks. And thanks for getting Jack to the hospital last night. I don't know what I would have done if he hadn't.... I owe you for that. I owe you a lot."  
  
"Just doing my civic duty," replied Doug too casually. He glanced quickly at Jack who didn't seem to be paying attention to them.  
  
"Civic duty?" Jen raised an eyebrow and looked at him quizzically, "Is that all it was?"  
  
Doug blushed a little and muttered, "Something like that." Doug cleared his throat again and said, "Speaking of public services, Jack I brought you this." Jack looked up from the magazine he had been cavalierly flipping though and saw that Doug held out his black duffle bag. "I figured you could use it." Doug tossed the bag to Jack, who caught it easily.  
  
"Thanks. What is it?" Jack didn't wait for an answer; he unzipped the bag and was delighted to find a change of clothes, some basic toiletries and best of all, a baseball hat to cover the disaster that was his hair. "Oh dude, thanks! You have no idea how much I need this."  
  
"Actually Jack, we do. You're pretty funky," laughed Jen. She gestured to the bathroom and said, "What are you waiting for? Get in there!"  
  
Jack looked a little hurt. "I'm not that bad!" He turned to Grams for some reassurance but instead she gave a small smile and nodded her head just the tiniest bit as if to say he was indeed quite disgusting. "Fine! I'm gross. If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go delouse myself!" Jack huffed away good- naturedly into the bathroom.  
  
"I hope there was deodorant in that bag," exclaimed Jen loud enough for Jack to hear.  
  
"And a toothbrush!" chimed in Grams with a smile.  
  
"I'm not listening to you!" called Jack from the bathroom. Just then Amy woke up and started to cry and everyone's attention went back to the newest member of the family.  
  
Later, after Jack had gotten cleaned up and Jen's mother arrived, Doug made his move to leave. He insisted that since he was in the city anyway he really should see some friends and run some errands. Jack figured that Doug just wanted to get away from him, but he didn't know what to say to change his mind. Or if he should even try to change his mind. Nevertheless, Jack walked out with Doug, "So are you planning on staying at Jen's tonight or do you need to get back to Capeside or...?" Jack hoped his question sounded like polite curiosity and not like needy clinginess. Even though things were rather weird and strained between them, Jack was surprised to realize that he didn't want Doug to leave just yet.  
  
"No, I've got everything covered in Capeside for the next couple of days. Unless...do you want me to go?" Doug's insecurity got the best of him and he felt his stomach tighten and his heart sink.  
  
"No, no, I just didn't know... if you had to go..." Jack answered quickly.  
  
"I don't." Doug stared uncertainly at Jack and tried to figure out what exactly was going on between them. The push and pull of the last few days was both frustrating and stimulating.  
  
Jack met Doug's direct gaze but just nodded and said, "Good. So I'll see you later then?"  
  
"Sure," answered Doug. They continued their conversation, neither really saying what they were thinking.  
  
"Where are you going again?"  
  
"I told you, to see some friends."  
  
"I didn't know you had friends in New York City."  
  
"You don't know everything about me Jack." It came out sharper than Doug intended and both men flinched inside.  
  
"I guess not. Well, have fun."  
  
"I will," assured Doug with a grin. "Oh, Jack, will you call me as soon as they know for sure when Jen's going to go home? I want to make sure I clean up my mess before she gets back."  
  
"Sure thing," replied Jack even though he suspected that Doug was physically incapable of leaving a mess anywhere.  
  
"Thanks."  
  
"No, thank you Doug. Really, thanks a lot." Quickly, before he had a chance to talk himself out of it, Jack reached over and hugged Doug. For a moment the older man resisted the embrace but the joy and comfort in the contact was impossible to deny. He relaxed into Jack's arms and gave an involuntary, heartfelt sigh of contentment. As for Jack, being able to cling however briefly to the warm solidity of Doug felt like coming home. He curled his fingers around the base of Doug's neck and inhaled the clean, spicy scent that was so uniquely Doug.  
  
When they parted, the two men looked wistfully at each other, each wanting to say something else but neither daring to for fear of shattering the moment.  
  
"Ok then, I'll talk to you later tonight," said Doug taking another step back from Jack.  
  
"Right. See ya."  
  
"Bye." Doug's feet were reluctant to move, but he forced himself to go. When he looked back, Jack still stood there watching him walk away.  
  
-----------------------

After Doug left the hospital, he did not, in fact, go see any friends. "Visiting friends" had only been an excuse to get him out of the hospital so he could get busy on his project. The first thing he had to do was run some errands.  
  
Said errands ended up taking him longer than he had expected. By the time he got back to Jen's place, it was almost 3:00. There was a message from Jack letting him know that Jen and the baby were going to be able to come home tomorrow around noon. Doug smiled, that was actually pretty good timing although it meant he needed to hustle now. He quickly got to work sorting out the disaster in the living room and soon made short order of the mess in the kitchen. By 4:30, he was childproofing the outlets and cupboards. He glanced up at the clock and frowned; he couldn't help but wonder where Pacey was. If he didn't get here soon, it would throw Doug's whole plan off track! Doug located his cell phone and dialed his brother's number. After three rings Pacey picked up.  
  
"Yeah Dougie, what's up?" Pacey sounded a bit winded and distracted but Doug didn't seem to notice.  
  
"Pacey, where are you? You were supposed to be here by now."  
  
"I'll be there soon Doug..."  
  
"Soon? How soon? There's stuff I can't do until you get here..."  
  
"Soon."  
  
"That's not an especially helpful answer Pacey. I'm looking for a timeframe here."  
  
"Ok Doug how's this? How soon is now?"  
  
"What? Is that a riddle? There's no time for jokes Pacey – there's too much to do!"  
  
"No, listen to me. How soon is now?"  
  
As soon as the word "now" left Pacey's mouth, the doorbell rang. Doug opened it to find his smart-alecky brother standing there overloaded with bags of groceries, supplies, two cans of paint, and a purple stuffed bunny; his cell phone was wedged between his ear and shoulder. Doug smiled and said, "Great! Did you get everything?" He took the paint cans from Pacey and gestured for him to come in.  
  
"Yes, I got everything from your very specific and lengthy list oh anal- retentive one. And then some." Pacey dropped everything in the middle of the living room and rubbed his sore shoulder. "The rest of it's still in the car and I'm not exactly what you'd call legally parked."  
  
The two brothers dashed downstairs to Pacey's double-parked car, which was very effectively blocking the alley. They unloaded the rest of the stuff and then Pacey went to find parking. Doug tried to sort everything into project appropriate piles so that when Pacey got back they could get right to work.  
  
Twenty minutes later, he was giving Pacey the rundown. The small room that was to be Amy's nursery was empty except for a pile of crib parts, a few boxes and a dresser. It had grubby white walls and a wood floor.  
  
"Only in New York City would this be considered a bedroom," said Pacey as he looked around. "There's not even a window for crying out loud. What is it? Ten by eight?"  
  
"Try ten by six and three quarters. But it has a closet so I guess that's what makes it officially a bedroom and not just a nook or whatever."  
  
"What do you want me to do first?" Pacey rubbed his hands together, ready to get to work.  
  
"Well, I thought I'd tape everything out and you can assemble the crib. If you think you can handle that..." Doug teased. "Then we can both paint."  
  
"I think if I can build a boat I should be able to put together a simple crib," Pacey shot back good-naturedly.  
  
"And remind me again -- when was the last time you built a boat?" asked Doug with a laugh.  
  
There was much laughter and spirited bickering between the two brothers as they got down to work. While they did so, they also planned the next day's celebratory brunch menu; Doug insisted Pacey make lasagna while Pacey was adamant that creamed onions must also be served.  
  
"Gah. Why creamed onions?" asked Doug with a shudder.  
  
"Gotta trust me on this one Doug," smiled Pacey thinking back to that long ago Thanksgiving and several since then.  
  
"No one will eat them," persisted Doug.  
  
"Oh, you'd be surprised," said Pacey. "Besides, they'll go great with eggs and hash browns."  
  
"Ok, ok – you're the chef. You do what you want."  
  
"Don't I always?" cracked Pacey with a grin." Who's going to be at this brunch anyway?"  
  
"Uhmm, you, me, Jen, Jack, Mrs. Ryan, Jen's mom, and maybe a couple of Jen's friends from work. I need to check with Mrs. Ryan on that. I wonder if I should call her?"  
  
"What about Joey?" asked Pacey feeling his heart skip a beat. "Has anybody called her?"  
  
"Oh, that's right she's in the city too now isn't she? I forgot. I don't think anyone has called her. Jack didn't mention her. Why don't you take care of that little brother?" Doug waggled his eyebrows comically at Pacey.  
  
"Uh, sure. I'll call her. I'll call her later." Pacey tried to play it cool but he felt his face redden slightly. He didn't really need Doug getting up in his grill about Joey. He preferred it when everyone just pretended Pacey wasn't still head over-heels for his high school sweetheart. And that included Pacey, so he hurriedly changed the subject. He looked at the partially assembled crib in front of him and said, "I don't know, this crib might be getting the best of me. Or possibly it's not a crib at all. You want to give it a shot?"  
  
Doug looked down at the tangle of parts and tools and shook his head, "Not really. I'm done taping, why don't we paint now and then while it dries we can take another crack at that."  
  
"Sounds good to me," agreed Pacey happy to be relieved of crib duty if only temporarily.  
  
It didn't take long to paint the tiny room. Soon enough they were setting up fans to speed the drying process and, once again, tackling the crib. Between the two of them they made what looked like progress, but as soon as they sat the thing up on all four legs it collapsed in a noisy heap.  
  
"That can't be good" deadpanned Pacey.  
  
"Dammit," swore Doug. "What's wrong with us? It can't really be this hard!"  
  
There was a knock at the door and Pacey got up to answer it saying, "A welcome reprieve is at hand!" He opened the door to find a tiny but fierce looking woman standing there. She had to be at least forty and wore a faded Led Zeppelin t-shirt underneath a pair of red overalls, no shoes, and old- fashioned cat-eye glasses; she looked annoyed and surprised and walked right past Pacey and into the apartment.  
  
"What's all the frickin' noise in here? And where's Jen? And who are you? And what are you doing here? Does Jen know you're here? Are you mute?" She stuck her head in the nursery, "That's a nice color combo."  
  
Finally she took a breath and Doug said, "Sorry about the noise. I'm Doug, this is my brother Pacey. We're friends of Jen's. She had the baby last night and is coming home tomorrow. We're just trying to get some stuff ready as a surprise. You think she'll like the color?"  
  
The woman hadn't stopped nosing around the apartment since she had entered but she nodded at Doug's final question. "Yeah, I think so. She's been dithering about it for so long it's probably better someone else made the decision for her. But it's nice. Yeah." She pulled some striped fabric out of one of the many bags and said, "What's this for?"  
  
Pacey answered this time, "That's for the curtains I think." Pacey looked at Doug who nodded. "What's your name neighbor lady? Or should I just keep calling you neighbor lady?"  
  
"Call me whatever you want kiddo. But my name's Sophia Davenport and yeah, I live next door. The little pom-poms are cute but there's no window in there. You know that right?" She dropped the curtains back in the bag. "You having trouble with the crib? Want me to do it? I'm pretty handy if I do say so. Which I do."  
  
"Go for it," answered Pacey. "You want something to drink while you're at it?"  
  
"Beer'd be good if you got one. Pacey was it? What kinda name is that exactly?" said Sophia as she sat down on the floor and got to work. "Yeah, this is a tricky one, probably made in Turkey or Myanmar or some such."  
  
Doug smiled as Sophia quickly sorted the pieces into different piles. She seemed to know what she was doing and he was happy for the break. She took the beer Pacey handed her and kept talking a mile a minute; she never waited for anyone to respond. "So how do you know Jen? She's a good egg that one. I like her a lot and I haven't got much use for most people. Most people, they're just ridiculous or mean. But Jen, yeah she's a good one. Now see, that's just plain evil, this part here? It's gotta go in like this. So it seems backwards. Totally counterintuitive. No wonder you guys couldn't figure it out. Assbackwards is what. So she had the baby? Early huh? But no problems if she's coming home tomorrow so that's good. Hope that baby isn't a crier."  
  
-------------------------------  
  
At the hospital, Jen and Grams listened silently while her doctor explained about the realities of left ventricular hypertrophy, the risk of decreased ventricular systolic function and pulmonary congestion. She also explained the steps Jen would have to take to treat and avoid aggravating her condition. Overall the doctor seemed optimistic.  
  
"We've been monitoring this closely as you know and the test results look pretty good all things considered. Your labor didn't exacerbate the condition the way it could have. You'll have to take medication of course..."  
  
"For how long?" interrupted Jen.  
  
"Indefinitely. Probably for the rest of your life. If things get worse, we'll have to think about surgery but I honestly don't think it'll come to that. You're young and otherwise healthy. The best thing for you to do is think positive..."  
  
"The power of positive thinking huh? I'm in big trouble." Jen tried to laugh but there was sadness in her voice that was impossible to ignore.  
  
"Jennifer," scolded Grams gently.  
  
"But Amy? She's ok?" asked Jen very seriously.  
  
"She's perfectly fine. As I explained, this isn't a genetic condition and you didn't do anything to cause it. It's just one of those unfortunate things that sometimes happen. Frankly I'm surprised it wasn't discovered before your pregnancy but if you never had symptoms no one would think to look for it. But your daughter's heart is perfectly healthy – no need to worry about that. If you have any other questions, just let me know. We're going to keep you in good working order Jen, I promise. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got rounds to finish. Have a good night. I'll see you and Amy in a week." Dr. Brustman smiled her remarkably reassuring smile and both Jen and Gram's felt better. For a minute or two.  
  
After the doctor left, Jen tried to lighten the mood and said, "One of those unfortunate things. Seems fitting enough for a tombstone. Not too florid or extravagant..."  
  
"Jennifer Lindley! I will not tolerate this kind of cynical talk. That doctor just told you that everything will be fine as long as we are smart and careful! You need to change your attitude and change it right now! Amy is counting on you. I'm counting on you!" Grams looked angry as she hastily brushed a tear from her eye but she didn't back down.  
  
"Geez, give a girl ten seconds to mourn the cruelties of fate would you Grams? And for the record, I'm not planning on going anywhere ok? As of right now, I'm going to become the world champion of positive thinking. Look out Deepak Chopra."  
  
"Well, you better," smiled Grams. "Now, have you changed your mind about telling anyone? Jack? Your mother?"  
  
"No. I don't want anyone to know. It'll be easier for me, if only you and I know. I know that's unfair to you, but no one else can do anything except worry and I just don't need that right now. What I need is for everyone to be happy and one hundred percent worry-free. Good vibes only."  
  
"Alright dear. It's your decision." Grams looked resigned to the situation, even if she disagreed with Jen's choice. She glanced at her watch, "When do we expect Jack back?"  
  
"Pretty soon, he said he was going to go get us some smoothies and the new issue of Entertainment Weekly. I hear Jude Law's on the cover! You don't need to wait for him to get back though, go ahead and go. I know you must be tired."  
  
"Yes, well perhaps I will go. But I'll see you bright an early tomorrow dear."  
  
"Don't worry, I'll be here."  
  
-------------------------  
  
Sophia got the crib put together but even she was a little surprised by what a pain it was, "Don't feel bad you couldn't hack it boys. This here's a real bitch of a crib. But it's sturdy and cute enough I guess. Still, I don't know why so many industrial designers work so hard to make shit near impossible. So, thanks for the beer, I gotta get back to my place. You need anything, let me know, I'm up most all night. Tell Jen hello for me and that I'm ready to go out dancing as soon as she is."  
  
Sophia was almost out the door when she finally took a breath. Doug jumped at the chance to get a word in edgewise, "We're having some folks over for a welcome home/birthday brunch tomorrow at 11:30. I'd love it if you could come."  
  
"Sounds swell. Yeah, I'll be here. You need me to bring anything? Warning though – I can't cook a lick. Everything I touch burns right up. I'm like the queen of the charcoal briquette. Flame on!"  
  
"We got it covered," answered Pacey with a laugh. "Just bring your sassy self and maybe a chair or two," he said looking around the apartment and mentally calculating the number of guests versus the number of chairs.  
  
"Can do kiddo. Can do! See you in the a.m." And with that she was gone.  
  
For a moment it was strangely still and quiet in the apartment. Then Doug chuckled and said, "Wow, she can really yammer. I'm exhausted from just listening to her!"  
  
"Seriously. She makes Audrey seem quiet and uncommunicative and I didn't think anyone could do that! Let's move that furniture and then I'll start some coffee. It's gonna be a longish night if I'm not mistaken."  
  
"Sounds like a plan," agreed Doug.  
  
They got the crib and the rest of the furniture in the room just as there was another knock at the front door.  
  
"Who could that be?" wondered Doug as he straightened the new rug.  
  
"One way to find out," answered Pacey. He walked to the front door, opened it and found Grams standing there. He immediately swept her up in a hug, "It's Grams! Or should I say Great Grams! How are you?"  
  
"Pacey Witter, what in the world are you doing here?" laughed Grams happily.  
  
"Just a little surprise Doug and I have been cooking up for Jen and Amy. Come look!" He took her hand and led her into the nursery. "We're not done yet of course..."  
  
"Oh my! Hello Douglas. Look at this! You dear boys. It's lovely. But how did you..?"  
  
"Captain Type-A there planned it all out. I'm merely the fetch and carry boy."  
  
Doug looked embarrassed, "Jack happened to mention some things he and Jen hadn't gotten around to doing so I just figured..." Doug shrugged and smiled.  
  
"Well, that's so very kind of you dear. I see someone's been doing some cleaning up as well. This place was rather a jumble the last time I was here. That's why I stopped by. I wanted to set it to rights as best as I could before they came home."  
  
"Oh, it didn't take long to straighten up, but I haven't done anything in Jen's bedroom. I didn't know if that was crossing a line or not."  
  
"Well you children leave that to me. Honestly I'm just delighted to get out of cleaning the kitchen! Speaking of which, what's going on in there? Something smells good..."  
  
"That's my big part of the operation," answered Pacey proudly, "Also known as brunch!"  
  
"We're having a birthday brunch tomorrow when Jen gets home. It'll be you and Jen and Jack, Jen's mom, Pacey and me, the next door neighbor..."  
  
"Met Sophia did you?" interjected Grams with a smile.  
  
"Is there anyone else we should invite?"  
  
"Oh, well there's Walter and Darlene from the gallery...they would love to come I'm sure. I'll call them right now. Goodness, it's going to be quite a party!"  
  
The three of them worked hard for the next couple of hours. Grams straightened up the bedroom and did some laundry. Doug hung some artwork in Amy's room and loaded the dresser and closet with all the toys, clothes and various other baby supplies Jen had accumulated over the last several months. He even added a few special touches of his own. When he was finally done the tiny room looked homey, sweet and more than ready for the new arrival. Pacey was busy in the kitchen chopping and cooking and cooking and chopping.  
  
Grams left around 10:30 after promising not to tell Jen or Jack about the surprise. Once she was gone, Doug turned his attention to Pacey and the kitchen. He was stunned by what he saw. There were three pies and a couple dozen muffins cooling on the table. Pacey was putting a ready-to-go lasagna into the refrigerator and the counter was covered with Tupperware containers full of prepped food.  
  
"Three pies?" asked a baffled Doug. "Why three pies?"  
  
"Multiples pies are good luck. I'm sure I read that somewhere. It's all about birth and bounty and bliss. I still have two more to make. You want to cut up these peaches for me while I roll out the dough?"  
  
"Five kinds of pie? Is that a bit much?"  
  
"Who doesn't like pie? I've got coconut cream, key lime, and cherry. Soon there will also be peach and apple."  
  
"That's a lot of pie Pacey! What else are you cooking? Or are we just having pie?"  
  
"Well, the blueberry muffins are made. The lasagna just needs to be baked. Ditto for the creamed onions. Tomorrow I'll whip up some banana nut pancakes, some scrambled eggs, hash browns, sausage and bacon. We've got bagels, cream cheese and lox. There's yogurt, fruit, granola. Orange juice, cranberry juice, champagne, ginger ale, coffee...I was gonna make a frittata but I'm kinda running out of steam here."  
  
"I think we'll manage without the frittata. Did you leave any food at the Ice House?"  
  
"They'll manage. What are you doing to that peach? You need to slice it like this." Pacey snatched the knife away from Doug and demonstrated the proper technique.  
  
"Ok, Emeril, I got it, I got it!" said Doug with faux exasperation as he took the knife back.  
  
Pacey elbowed Doug in the ribs, "Emeril? That's the best you can do? Pretty lame Dougie."  
  
"What can I say? It's late, I'm tired, and you're a moron."  
  
"That's more like it!"  
  
The two brothers laughed and kept working side by side as the hours ticked by.

----------------  
  
At the hospital, everything was quiet and still. Jack dozed in a chair, the Entertainment Weekly on the floor beside him. Jen sat in bed breastfeeding Amy. A single tear rolled down her cheek as she stared at her beautiful daughter; it splashed gently on Amy's little hand and was gone. Jen took a deep breath and whispered, "That's the last tear sweetie. I promise nothing but happy times from now on." Amy gave a small, satisfied sigh and fell asleep.  
  
-----------------  
  
_I've been lately thinking  
About my life's time  
All the things I've done  
And want to do  
And I can't help believing  
In my own mind  
I know I'm gonna hate to see the end...  
  
I've seen a lot of sunshine  
Slept out in the rain  
I spent a million nights all on my own  
I've known my own displeasures  
Had myself some friends  
I spent a million days inside my room...  
I have to say it now  
  
Its been a good life all in all  
It's really fine  
To have a chance to hang around   
Lie there watching fire   
Watch it burn the evening entire   
With my best friend, two silly twins   
And the maiden clowns...  
  
Talk of poems and prayers and promises  
And things that I want to believe in  
How sweet it is to love someone  
How right it is to care  
How long its been since yesterday  
And what about tomorrow  
And what about our dreams  
And all the memories we share...  
  
-- Poems, Prayers and Promises   
Cover by Rachel Haden_

Download this song for free (legally!) at:  
www . badmanrecordingco . com / downloads / default.aspx   
( Remove extra spaces to make url work. Scroll to the bottom of the page)

****

**Author's note: Well, I'm a little late - hope you aren't mad. :) Thanks to everyone for all your kind words and encouragement! You really do keep me motivated! Up next -- brunch! And don't worry, Pacey won't forget to call Joey!**

****


	22. Welcome Home

** Seek and Go Hide  
part twenty-two**  
  
Doug stood outside the hospital; the bright sun made him squint his eyes. Suddenly Jack was there next to him laughing, "'Bout time you got here!"  
  
"Am I late?" Doug looked at his watch but it wasn't there. _Time, I've lost track of it haven't I? I'm taking too long._ Doug's thoughts were puzzled. When he looked up again, Jack was across the street. "Where are you going?" called Doug.  
  
Jack didn't answer directly. He merely smiled and called out, "Come on Doug! Let's get going!"  
  
"I'm sorry I'm late," called Doug as he tried to cross the street. The traffic was heavy and he wasn't an experienced jaywalker. He jumped back up on the curb as a taxi sped by. "Hold up, Jack. I'm coming."  
  
Jack didn't appear to be waiting. He was walking swiftly up the street but he kept up a steady stream of encouragement for Doug, "This way. Come on! Cross now! Come on Doug! Let's go!"  
  
Doug was getting frustrated and couldn't understand why Jack didn't just stop and wait. Or better yet, come back over to Doug's side of the street. He knew they had somewhere to be and he had made them late but still, he wanted Jack to slow down for just a minute. Then Doug realized he couldn't see Jack anymore. Without thinking or hesitating, he dashed across the street. He broke out into a run, desperate to catch up with Jack. He didn't have the least idea of where he was supposed to go; Jack had the directions and address. The people around Doug were a blur. The crowded street no longer seemed like an obstacle. After a few moments Doug stopped and looked around. There had to be a better answer than running around willy-nilly trying to play catch up. He needed to think.  
  
Suddenly Jack jumped out in front of him, "Boo! You didn't think I left you did you? Dude, come on, I wouldn't really do that! But it's good to know you've still got some hustle left in you." Jack laughed and looked so happy and handsome that it didn't even occur to Doug to be upset. He was just happy he hadn't lost him.  
  
Doug exhaled sharply and chuckled, "Good to know. So how much farther do we have to go anyway?"  
  
"Well that depends..."  
  
"On what?"  
  
"On you."  
  
"On Me?"  
  
"Yeah. You're the one who has to get us there."  
  
"But you know where we're going. You've been there. I haven't..."  
  
Jack shrugged, "It's up to you man. You wanna go or not?"  
  
"Yes, it's just..." Doug looked around the unfamiliar street, "I'm lost."  
  
"No you're not," said Jack quietly. "You're right where you want to be." Jack took Doug's hands in his and whispered softly in his ear, "You're not lost. You're here. You're wonderful."  
  
Doug couldn't help it; he glanced around to see if people were watching them. Jack's husky voice continued the hypnotic murmuring, "They don't care about you Doug but I do. You're not lost. You're beautiful and strong. When I see you...when I hear your voice...you're here but I can't have you... can't really touch you. But I want to Doug. More than anything. More than everything..."  
  
The sweet, passionate words had the desired effect on Doug. He forgot about being lost. Forgot about being scared. Forgot about everything. Except Jack. He bent down slowly, his eyes locked on Jack's. He was shaking but he didn't let that stop him. His lips brushed softly against Jack's. Doug felt every nerve in his body come alive at the sensation. Again, more firmly this time, he kissed Jack. The sweet, wet, kiss got deeper and more intense until Doug thought the sheer pleasure of the moment was going to overtake him. He pressed his body against Jack's, their fingers intertwined, the blood sang in his ears. The moment seemed to last forever but all too soon the men parted. Both were breathing heavily. Jack let go of one of Doug's hands, and gently stroked his face. He touched his cheek and ran his fingers lightly over his lips and said, "Hey Sheriff Lazy McSleepypants, rise and shine! It's almost 8!"  
  
Doug's eyes flew open to see Pacey, clad only in his boxers and an apron, standing over him and poking him with a wooden spoon. He felt the tingly sensation of the dream collapse in the blink of an eye. "Oh little brother you are so lucky I don't believe in early morning violence! Couldn't you have let me sleep a little bit longer?" He snatched the spoon away from Pacey and threw it across the room, "Quit poking me!"  
  
"What's your problem?" laughed Pacey, "I've been up for almost an hour!"  
  
Doug sat up on the couch and said, "So I smell. Is something burning?"  
  
"Shit! The sausage!" Pacey ran toward the kitchen, giving Doug a clear view of his nearly naked state.  
  
"For gods sake Pacey, put on some clothes! Cooking in your underwear can't be sanitary!"  
  
"I washed my hands!" protested Pacey cheerfully. "Can you go to the store and buy some more sausage? This batch was defective." Pacey proved his point by bringing the smoking pan into the living room and showing Doug the blackened remains.  
  
Doug coughed and said, "Right, faulty sausage, certainly not the chef's failing. I'll make you a deal -- I'll go to the store if you'll put some pants on. I'm not spending this morning watching your ass hang out of your shorts."  
  
"One has to wonder, why you're so focused on my ass Dougie." Pacey laughed, turned around and playfully shook his butt at Doug, "I mean, I know it's a fine specimen worthy of much attention and admiration, but you're my brother dude! Is there something creepy you need to tell me?"  
  
"Shut up Pacey! You know what I mean!" Doug laughed and headed for the bathroom, "I'm going to take a shower, when I come out you better be dressed!"  
  
"Or else what?" teased Pacey as he scraped the ruined sausage into the trash.  
  
"Or else you'll see," hollered Doug from the bathroom.  
  
"Ooo, you're so vague and scary!" replied Pacey. He heard the shower come on and Doug didn't answer. "Last word – Pacey Witter." Pacey did a few deep bows to an imaginary audience then went and looked for his clothes.  
  
----   
  
The morning passed quickly in a rush of preparations and laughter. Doug returned from the store with the requested sausage and enough flowers to fill every vase in the small apartment. Pacey didn't know what had come over his brother but he liked it. Doug seemed remarkably relaxed and carefree.  
  
By 11:30am all the brunch guests had arrived. Helen, Sophia, Walter, Darlene had all ooo-ed and aww-ed over the nursery and were now comfortably chatting and drinking mimosas and coffee. Jen, Amy, Jack and Grams were due to arrive in about half an hour. Doug was starting to feel nervous. _What if Jen hates the nursery? What if Jack resents me for just taking over everything that needed to get done around the house? What if we don't have enough chairs?_  
  
Suddenly Doug remembered something, "Hey Pacey? Did you ever call Joey? Is she coming?"  
  
Pacey felt all the blood drain from his face. He couldn't believe he had forgotten to call Joey. He'd procrastinated to the point of total negligence! Silently cursing his brain fade, he tried to play it cool. "Thanks for the reminder Doug, guess I better call her."  
  
Pacey grabbed the phone and stepped out in the hall where it was quieter. He quickly dialed her home phone number – a number he knew by heart despite the fact that they seldom if ever spoke these days.  
  
The phone rang twice and then the machine picked up. Joey's cheerful voice echoed in his ear and made his heart skip a beat. "Hi there! I'm sad to say that Joey and Chris' answering machine is broken. This is their refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets. When they see it they'll call you back. Probably."  
  
After the beep, Pacey left his message. "Hey Potter, it's your old pal Pacey. Look I just wanted to let you know that Jen had the baby and we're havin' a little welcome home brunch shindig for her today at her place. It's already started so you should get here as soon as you can. Sorry about the late notice... you should ah...blame Jack for that. Not me. Ok, hope we see you soon."  
  
Pacey hung up the phone and wondered if he would in fact see Joey today. And if he did, would he be able to have casual chitchat with her without demanding to know who Chris was and why they shared a refrigerator. He sighed, put on a happy face, and returned to the party.  
  
----  
  
Joey felt her heart skip a beat when she heard Pacey's voice on the answering machine but promptly told herself it was due to the news that Jen had given birth. She had been screening her phone calls because she was trying to get some extra work done before Monday morning's big meeting. But that didn't seem too important all of a sudden. _Jen had her baby! Pacey's in town! There's a party and I'm basically already late!_ Joey's thoughts were a jumble as she rushed to change her clothes and get ready to go.  
  
----  
  
Jen was overwhelmed by the surprise awaiting her when she got home. Amy was quickly passed over to Grams waiting arms while Jen laughed and hugged and thanked everyone. "Jack! Did you know about this?" She tried to take in everything around her. The apartment was sparkling clean and filled with food and flowers and presents.  
  
"I had no idea Jen! I know you hate surprises!" insisted Jack happily. He looked over at Doug and shook his head a tiny bit. He felt his smile widen. Doug just shrugged and looked embarrassed.  
  
"I hate surprises!" agreed Jen though her look of joyful radiance betrayed her words.  
  
"Well, prepare to get your hate on," laughed Pacey, "because there's more!"  
  
"More! How could there be..?"  
  
Pacey said, "Close your eyes." When Jen didn't do so, he clapped his hand over her eyes and said, "No fair peaking! Just a few steps this way." He guided her smoothly over to the nursery, "A little more, back up, go forward, to the left, no back up, no forward..."  
  
"Pacey!" Jen elbowed him in the stomach, "You are rapidly turning my jubilant hate of surprises into hateful hate of you!" Jen's hands were on her hips and she tried to turn her head and get away from Pacey's hands. But he held her tight.  
  
"Settle down there little momma! Ok, right here, take a step, whoa, stop, right there. Perfect. We're here." He uncovered her eyes just as Doug pushed open the pocket doors.  
  
Jen gasped when she saw the room in front of her. The walls had been painted a lovely shade of lavender and the trim was a beautiful shade of raspberry red. A false window had been hung on one of the shorter walls. It was decked out in a cheerful striped curtain that had the cutest red pom- pom trim. The "view" consisted of large photo of the creek that ran behind Gram's old house in Capeside – it was the view from Jen's old bedroom.  
  
The crib had been assembled and filled with a red quilt, a purple stuffed bunny and several small pillows. Above it hung a delicate butterfly mobile that moved with the slightest breeze.  
  
There was a pink changing table all set up and ready to go. A small rocker sat in the corner. The floor was covered in a red, lavender, pink and yellow flowered rug. A shabby chic pink crystal lamp hung from the ceiling. The walls were covered in framed pictures from classic children's stories. Jen saw the Pokey Little Puppy, Alice in Wonderland, Dorothy and the Tin Man from The Wizard of Oz, Sam I Am, and even The Stinky Cheese Man.  
  
Jen's eyes were filled with tears, "How...when...Pacey? You didn't do all this..."  
  
"Hey! I helped!"  
  
Jen turned to Jack, "Jack did you..?"  
  
Jack shook his head, "Don't look at me..."  
  
Jen's eyes fell on Doug and instantly she knew, "Doug! Of course you did this!" She hugged the self-conscious man who had been more or less silent since she had arrived, "Thank you. Thank you! It's absolutely perfect."  
  
Doug voice caught in his throat as he said, "I'm so glad you like it."  
  
"Like it? I love it! The colors are perfect!" Jen let go of Doug and turned to Jack and said, "See I told you pink wasn't too girly!"  
  
Jack rolled his eyes good-naturedly and was about to say something when Pacey interjected jovially, "And I repeat, I helped! Quite a bit."  
  
Jen hugged Pacey, "Yes of course! Thank you too Pacey! By the way, what smells so good?"  
  
"That my dear is brunch! And yes, there are creamed onions!"  
  
Jen smiled, leave it to Pacey. He really did remember almost everything. "Then what are we waiting for? Let's eat!"  
  
----  
  
The party was in full swing. Everyone was laughing and eating and toasting baby Amy, who, for her part, slept through it all. A little before 2 o'clock there was a knock at the front door. Jen got up to open it and found Joey standing there a huge smile on her face.  
  
"Jen! Congratulations! How are you?" Joey impulsively hugged her old friend relieved to see that Jen still looked like Jen. "You look fabulous! I'm sorry I'm late..." Joey handed Jen a colorful gift bag and continued, "I didn't know until this morning..."  
  
"Shut up! I don't care if you're late! I'm just glad you're here!" Jen pulled Joey into the living room and said, "Look everyone it's Capeside's own Joey Potter! And she brought me presents!"  
  
Everyone greeted Joey merrily and Jen made the necessary quick introductions. Once that was done and Joey was settled with a heaping plate of food, Jen opened her present and chatted cheerfully with her old friends. "Oh! What a cute little hat," exclaimed Jen as she unwrapped part of Joey's gift. "Dear god, I'm turning into one of those squeally women. Motherhood really changes a person. Ooo! Look at this!" Jen held up a hooded yellow ducky bath towel for all to see.  
  
Pacey wasted no time and immediately began to tease Joey, "Nice of you to join us Potter. Thanks for making room in your busy, busy schedule."  
  
"As you well know Witter, no one bothered to call me until this morning otherwise I would have gotten here sooner – at least soon enough to stop you from inflicting creamed onions on us!"  
  
Jen had pulled a thin, square wrapped gift out of the bag Joey had given her and said, "Let me guess...a cd?"  
  
"Ah, but what cd Carnak?" joked Jack as he shoveled yet another mouthful of banana-walnut pancakes in his mouth.  
  
"One way to find out," laughed Jen as she ripped the paper off. "Joan Jett: The Definitive Anthology. Well, I definitively don't already have it."  
  
"It's a well known fact that babies love The Blackhearts," said Joey with mock solemnity.  
  
"Babies and drunk bikers," chimed in Pacey helpfully.  
  
"And," continued Joey totally ignoring Pacey, "Joan Jett is very empowering."  
  
"Well, I'm all for that! Thanks Jo! Now eat up before your eggs get cold!"  
  
"Don't have to tell me twice! Where'd all this food come from anyway?"  
  
"Pacey raided the Ice House and then cooked his fingers to the bone," answered Jack.  
  
"Cooked his fingers? To the bone? That's gross Jack!" Jen screwed up her face and stuck her tongue out.  
  
"It's just an expression," asserted Jack with a grin.  
  
"Well it's a disgusting expression and some of us are trying to eat our weight in pie here!" Jen noticed the blank, semi-shocked look on Joey's face, "What's wrong Joey?"  
  
"The Ice House?" Joey looked frantically from Jen to Jack to Pacey and back to Jen. Pacey looked at his shoes uncertain what to say.  
  
Jack was oblivious to the tension and said, "Yeah, you heard Pacey reopened the Ice House didn't you? It's going great too. Open what? five months and still the talk of the town."  
  
Joey stood up and set her plate on the coffee table, "Pacey could I speak to you for a minute. In the hall."  
  
"Your eggs will get cold Potter."  
  
Joey didn't respond and she didn't wait; she walked out the front door without another word. She paced back and forth in the hallway and tried to calm down but a strange mixture of claustrophobia, anger and regret rushed through her blood made her want to scream. When Pacey finally came out to talk to her she was breathing rapidly and her face was stormy.  
  
"Jo?" said Pacey cautiously.  
  
"You reopened the Ice House." It wasn't a question and the hurt in her voice was obvious.  
  
"I thought you knew..." Pacey was unsure what to say. He really had thought she would have heard about it from someone by now. He mentally chastised himself for being nine kinds of wuss and not being man enough to tell her himself.  
  
"The Ice House? Pacey...why?" Joey leaned against the wall and slowly slid down it until she was sitting with her head on her knees. The claustrophobic feeling was getting stronger.  
  
"It was a good business decision and ...are you going to throw up Potter? Should I get a bucket?" Pacey's concern was apparent in his voice.  
  
She looked up at him with her big brown eyes and said, "The Ice House, my Dad...why can't you just let the past die Pacey?" A single tear slipped down her cheek.  
  
Pacey sighed and sat down next to her, "The past never dies Jo. It gets farther away. It fades but it's never gone." He reached over to hold her hand but she yanked it away from him. "It's never finished. And excuse me for feeling like some things are worth hanging on to."  
  
"It's my past Pacey! God! You had no right!"  
  
"I had every right Jo – that place has been sitting empty for years. Wasting away...all this potential and nothing happening. I wanted to change that and I did!"  
  
Joey heard the conviction in his voice and it touched something in her, "Since when does wasted potential register with Pacey Witter?"  
  
"Since it does ok? Maybe a person can only squander so much, throw so much away before a person realizes what is actually real and valuable."  
  
Pacey looked at Joey and she couldn't look away. The air between them was filled with electricity, emotion and history. After a long moment she tore her eyes away and started at her shoes. She sighed, "Still you should have told me..."  
  
"I thought Bessie would have said something..."  
  
"Well she didn't."  
  
"Well yell at her."  
  
"Well I will...Pacey? Is it...?" Joey couldn't finish her question; she didn't need to.  
  
"It's beautiful Jo. It's yesterday, today and tomorrow. It's...You should see it."  
  
Joey looked into Pacey handsome, hope-filled face and whispered, "Maybe..." The bittersweet smile on her face told Pacey almost everything.  
  
Just then the door to Jen's apartment flew open and Jen stood there holding Amy. "Don't mind me, I just thought you two might want a break from all the emotional falderal what with this being a party and all." She flashed them a quick sheepish grin.  
  
Joey stood up and said, "Good thinking Jen."  
  
"Always said you were smarter than the average bear," agreed Pacey reluctantly. He didn't stand up.  
  
"And look who's awake!" cooed Joey "Can I hold her?"  
  
"Of course you can," said Jen as she passed the small bundle over. "Amy, this is your brilliant Aunt Joey. She'll teach you all about triangles and loyalty, kicking ass and determination."  
  
"Please don't encourage the ass kicking," groused Pacey from his spot on the floor.  
  
Joey took the baby, harrumphed at Pacey and went back inside the apartment.  
  
"You coming Pace?" asked Jen.  
  
"In a minute," said Pacey. "Hey could you send Jack and Doug out here for me?"  
  
Jen looked quizzically at Pacey but only said, "Sure thing." She went back inside and closed the door but quickly opened it again and leaned out, "What are you up to?"  
  
"Me? Nothing. Ever." Pacey winked at Jen and gestured for her to go away.  
  
A few minutes later Jack and Doug came out into the hallway. Jack handed Pacey a beer and sat down next to him, "What's up dude?"  
  
"Oh you know...Doug you gonna sit down?"  
  
"Not if I don't have to." Both men looked at him like he was crazy. "The floor. It's dirty." He sighed and sat down, "Fine, sure. Happy now?"  
  
"So Pacey," began Jack, "What's wrong?"  
  
"Wrong? What makes you think something is wrong? I just thought..." Pacey stood up swiftly, "You two could use some time to talk. Thanks for the beer." And with that Pacey disappeared into the apartment. Both Jack and Doug heard the turn of the three locks on the door. The two men just looked at each other.  
  
Doug was the first to speak and said, "Well what Pacey lacks in subtlety he makes up for with an abundance of artless impudence."  
  
Jack chuckled, "I guess I don't exactly mind having a minute to say thank you. What you did...it's just unbelievable. I'll never be able to thank you enough..."  
  
Doug felt a flush creep up his face. Gruffly he said, "I didn't do it for you, you know." He regretted the words the second they left his mouth.  
  
Jack looked taken aback and hurt. He sputtered, "I...of course...ah...I mean...you...uhmm."  
  
"Ok that's not true. I did do it partially for you but I also did it for Jen and Amy. And you." Doug tried to lighten the mood, "Just don't go getting a big head about it ok."  
  
"Seriously dude, thanks." Jack stared at Doug and smiled softly. Without realizing it, Jack licked his lips; he wished more than anything that he could kiss Doug right there in Jen's hallway. His desire was written all over his face.  
  
Doug felt his knees go weak and was very glad he was sitting down, "You're welcome. But could you not call me dude?"  
  
Jack burst out laughing, "You're killing me Doug. You really are." Jack ran his hands though his hair and shook his head at Doug. "God. Killing me." He smiled at Doug, "You know that right?"  
  
Doug smiled back at Jack and nodded, "I know. I don't mean to."  
  
"I know."  
  
They sat in silence for a moment. Doug's voice was hoarse when he finally spoke, "I guess we should talk."  
  
"Yeah, I guess so."  
  
----  
  


_ The dawn is breaking_  
  
_ A light shining through_  
  
_ You're barely waking_  
  
_ And I'm tangled up in you_  
  
_ Yeah_  
  
_ I'm open, you're closed_  
  
_ Where I follow, you'll go_  
  
_ I worry I won't see your face_  
  
_ Light up again_  
  
_ Even the best fall down sometimes_  
  
_ Even the wrong words seem to rhyme_  
  
_ Out of the doubt that fills my mind_  
  
_ I somehow find_  
  
_ You and I collide_  
  
_ I'm quiet you know_  
  
_ You make a first impression_  
  
_ I've found I'm scared to know I'm always on your mind_  
  
_ Even the best fall down sometimes_  
  
_ Even the stars refuse to shine_  
  
_ Out of the back you fall in time_  
  
_ I somehow find_  
  
_ You and I collide_  
  
_ Even the best fall down sometimes_  
  
_ Even the wrong words seem to rhyme_  
  
_ Out of the doubt that fills your mind_  
  
_ You finally find_  
  
_ You and I collide_  
  
_ You finally find_  
  
_ You and I collide_  
  
_ You finally find_  
  
_ You and I collide_  
  
_ -- Collide_  
_ - By Howie Day_  


  
  
_**Author's note: Thanks to everyone for their feedback and encouragement – especially SamCnd who seems to know just when to poke at me. :) The opening bit of this chapter was just for you folks who are dying of anticipation for some Doug & Jack action. I hope you don't think I'm dragging it out too too much! According to the timeline Jack and Doug have another six months before they finally really get together for real. But there's still some good, mushy stuff in the near future I promise! This chapter's kinda heavy on Joey/Pacey – what can I say? I love them too. And if anyone is wondering, we haven't seen the last of Cliff and Olivia. I apologize for any typos -- I'm anxious to get this chapter up since it's been so long since the last update. If anything looks too crazy, I'll try and fix it in the next day or so but hopefully it all makes sense.**_  
  



	23. Just Keep Telling Yourself That

**Seek and Go Hide  
part twenty-three**

Jack and Doug sat on the floor in the hallway outside of Jen's apartment. Inside the party continued without them. The two men looked at each other. Doug shifted uncomfortably under Jack's direct gaze.

Jack began, "So..."

"So..." agreed Doug.

The silence hung in the air between them. Jack couldn't help it he chuckled softly. He tried again, "So, this thing between us..."

"Yeah," sighed Doug. He didn't say anything else.

"It's getting kind of " Jack waited to see if Doug would say something. He didn't. Jack continued, "It's complicated and silly and painful and exhausting. And correct me if I'm wrong, but both of us are miserable right?"

When Doug still didn't say anything, Jack got upset. "Seriously man, can't you say something?"

Finally Doug spoke; his voice was thick with emotion. "I don't know what you want me to say Jack. You know I have feelings for you. Feelings so powerful they blow me away. Feelings that literally make me feel like...make me want to be a different person. I'm vulnerable, and excited and scared. I'm more alive than I've ever been. And these are feelings that I want to explore. With you Jack. To be close to you. To let you be close to me. I long for that. But I'm just not ready to have everyone know my personal business. And that's what you want right? For me to be loud and proud. For me to wear my heart and sex life on my sleeve for the whole world to see. And I can't. I can't do it. It's not who I am. I'm a very private person. And..." Doug cleared his throat and wiped angrily at his moist eyes willing himself not to cry. "And none of this is news to either of us. So what am I supposed to say Jack? Should I beg you to see things my way? Should I pretend to be what you want and take what I can get in the moments before you realize that I'm just telling you what you want to hear? Should I lie and say this doesn't hurt me? What should I say Jack? What will make this all ok?"

Doug looked at Jack with frantic, searching eyes. This time, it was Jack who remained silent. "That's what I thought," finished Doug.

They sat wordlessly for a few moments. Jack knew Doug was right. There was nothing either of them could say that would change the situation but he also knew there was more to it than that. They had to figure out a way to deal with this with something other than avoidance. And the simple fact of the matter was hearing Doug say that he longed to be close to him had weakened Jack's resolve. He wondered, not for the first time, if he could possibly deal with a secret relationship if it meant being able to be with Doug. Part of him really wanted to do just that – to fall into this thing with Doug no matter what it took – principles be damned. But the part of him that had worked so hard to be upfront and honest with the world rebelled. The part of him that had been mocked and scorned for who he was, the part that had stood up anyway wouldn't let him do it. Being out wasn't just a principle – it was who he was. He sighed dejectedly.

"So?" asked Doug sarcastically.

"Yeah...so," agreed Jack. He drained the beer he had forgotten he held in his hand and said, "The thing is Doug, you're one of my best friends and as much as it sucks that things are...the way they are...well I hate the idea of us not hanging out. We used to have fun remember? Before...everything..."

"Got complicated," finished Doug with a wry smile. "Yeah, I remember. Maybe we could ...still be friends?" Doug didn't sound too confident.

"I dunno. Isn't that what everyone always says?"

"Do they? I've never said it to anyone before." Doug's voice held just a hint of sarcasm.

"Count yourself lucky. 'Let's still be friends' is usually a terrible omen in any relationship." Jack paused briefly, "But still... if we just took it off the table...it might take some pressure off. As long as we both agree..."

"Less pressure is good. I mean if we're being honest about where things stand...it could be ok." Doug felt his spirits rise; he had been so sure this conversation was going to be the end of things between them. But something was better than nothing as far as he was concerned.

Jack nodded, "After all, no matter what happens or doesn't happen between us, we've still gotta work together." When he saw Doug's puzzled expression, he clarified, "The Safe Harbor program?"

"Right. Right, Safe Harbor. That's going to keep us really busy. The kids need us. Plus we're both registered to run the Daleman Fairfest Marathon this summer. We're planning on training together right?"

"Yeah. Plus there's Pacey and the Ice House – we'll end up running into each other there all the time. I don't want that to be all weird."

"Very true."

"It seems to me we don't really have much choice -- we have to be friends. I mean, we are friends but we have to keep being friends. We've just got too much in common and too much stuff to do."

Doug nodded enthusiastically, "I agree. So we take romance or the potential for romance or whatever off the table and just...be friends. We can do that."

"We have to," laughed Jack uneasily.

"Right, we have to," agreed Doug.

The two friends looked at each other and smiled and then laughed. After a minute, silence descended again. They both sighed and then laughed again.

"Still it might be awkward sometimes," said Jack.

"I can handle awkward. It's been plenty awkward lately anyway," replied Doug.

"I'm just saying..."

"I know. So should we head back in there?" Doug gestured to Jen's apartment with his head.

"Dude, we're locked out," Jack reminded him.

Doug stood up and brushed off his pants. He smiled down at Jack and said, "Oh, I've got the keys." He held his hand out to Jack who accepted it with no hesitation.

As Doug pulled him to his feet Jack said, "If you had the keys the whole time, why have we been hanging out out here?"

Doug shrugged and pulled the keys out of his pocket, "Seemed as good a time as any for us to talk. Plus I had to get away from all that pie in there! I'm so full!"

Jack laughed ruefully and grabbed the keys from Doug. "You're very close to being an evil mastermind you know that Doug?" He began undoing the locks on the door.

"I think evil is overstating things a bit. I prefer mischievous."

"Keep telling yourself that Doug," teased Jack.

He had unlocked the door and had just opened it few inches when Doug spoke again. "Jack?" His voice was soft and serious. Jack turned to face him.

"This decision...it's good and all but it's just...for now? I mean, things change. People change." Doug took a deep breath and continued. "Maybe someday?"

Jack's breath caught in his throat, "People do change Doug. But I can't promise anything. I mean...maybe but maybe not. Maybe we'll always be friends and that's it. Maybe we'll have missed our chance."

"But maybe?" pressed Doug as he stared intently at Jack.

Jack felt a shiver run up his spine and he nodded, "Maybe."

---

_We can't play this game anymore, but  
Can we still be friends?  
Things just can't go on like before, but  
Can we still be friends?  
  
We had something to learn  
Now it's time for the wheel to turn  
Things are said one by one  
Before you know it's all gone  
  
Let's admit we made a mistake, but  
Can we still be friends?  
Heartbreak's never easy to take, but  
Can we still be friends?  
  
It's a strange sad affair  
Sometimes seems like we just don't care  
Don't waste time feeling hurt  
We've been through hell together  
  
La la la la, la la la la  
Can we still be friends?  
Can we still get together sometime?  
  
We awoke from our dream  
Things are not always what they seem  
Memories linger on  
It's like a sweet sad old song_

-- Can We Still be Friends  
- By Todd Rundgren


End file.
